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What A First Date With Master Chief Is Like

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Now that Halo 4 is out, I know the pressing question on everyone's minds: Is Master Chief single? I mean, just look at him: he's tall, strong, and steadily employed, which automatically elevates him above 99% of available guys. But slow down there, ladies. Dating Master Chief isn't everything you wish it was. Here's what a first date with John-117 Spartan is REALLY like.

 

He's Not Much Of a Talker

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Master Chief doesn't bother with small talk, and has zero interest in how your day was. One time I asked Master Chief for his opinion on same sex marriage and he just started loading his shotgun. Dinner with the guy is a lot like dinner with my parents: completely silent, because they're dead.

 

He's a Workaholic

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Whenever Master Chief isn't on a mission, he's locked in cryosleep. First of all, this makes scheduling a date a nightmare, as you'll probably have to unleash the Flood just to wake him up. Second, he hasn't seen any movies in the last 300 years, so expect only awkward silence when you bust out your hilarious Bane impression.

 

He's Not Over His Ex (And His Ex Is a Computer Program)

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Look, I get it: the same woman/program has been living in his head/helmet for seven years, so it's tough to start dating again. But yelling "CORTANAAAA!!!!" every half hour is still creepy.

 

He's Super Immature

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If you go out with Master Chief, be prepared to date a full grown man who often acts like a 13 year old boy. One moment he'll be a drop-dead serious super soldier, and the next he'll be teabagging corpses. Grow up!

He's Afraid Of Intimacy

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Sure, not everyone kisses on the first date. But Master Chief won't even take off his helmet. He says it's because an alien attack could come at any moment, which is an awfully convenient explanation for the thick emotional walls he's throwing up. Master Chief needs to open up his heart and let love in. Trust me, homegirl, thinking you can change him will end in you getting hurt.

 

Sex Is Out Of The Question

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700 pounds of armor doesn't remove itself.

 

Why are all the good ones gay or taken? Let us know in the comments!

 

Check out 25 Funny Halo Motivators!

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