Navigating Facebook is like navigating a minefield filled with annoying crap. Pictures, videos, and status updates from people you kinda sorta know are constantly up in your grill, reminding you that: A) they exist and B) they loooove shows like “Glee.” Because the people posting them are, on the whole, not that bright, the vast majority of these infuriating posts fall into one of the following eight categories. Unless you’re the one wasting everyone else’s time with this hogwash, it’s damn near impossible to “like” anything on this list.
Let me get this straight. I've seen pictures of you mooning somebody – pictures you tagged yourself in, might I add – and you're telling ME who to vote for? Thank God the election’s finally over...if I had to see another link to a Huffington Post article about how this or that candidate's the Antichrist, I would have lost my mind and driven my car through a polling place.
Asking for Things
Everyone has at least one Facebook friend who’s solely capable of posting pleas. Does anyone know of any job openings available? Can someone give me a ride from the airport to another, farther airport? Anyone want to go to a movie, any movie, with me? Please? I’m lonely...so, desperately, lonely. And cold. So very, very cold...does anyone have a blanket I could borrow?
OK, I get it, you have nothing else going on in your life. But do I really need to see another picture of your dumbass dog wearing a sweater? And please, for the love of God, don’t act like it can talk. It can’t. It’s a dog. Though, in fairness, I’d probably rather hear it speak than you.
Other People’s Kids
It (kinda) makes sense when parents show their kids some love online – after all, they’re proud of their progeny. Some folks, however, incessantly talk about and post pictures of kids that aren't even theirs. And that’s, well, sad. Aw, are you the best auntie in the world? Let me know when you’re the best spinster in the world; maybe then I’ll throw you a “like.”
OK, so most people on Facebook (and Twitter, and Tumblr, and in real life) are narcissists – that’s just par for the course. Said narcissists really go above and beyond the call of duty, though, when they upload a butt-ton of pictures of themselves clearly taken with Apple Photo Booth. These people might occasionally look cool, but what’s cool about spending your Saturday night alone, taking pictures of yourself? Nuttin’.
The concept of "checking in" anywhere befuddles me – who the hell cares what chain restaurant you’re currently eating at? The only thing worse than having to scroll through other people’s “check-ins” is when they check you in without consulting you. Dude! I told you I didn’t want my mom knowing I eat Del Taco! She’s a Taco Bell purist!
Every Spotify Facebook post should read, “Such-and-such is listening to some completely embarrassing garbage on Spotify. Like, super embarrassing. I’m talking Katy Perry embarrassing.”
Whenever someone posts about how much they love their friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, mom, dog, car, some crappy band, a “bomb-ass” sandwich, or whatever, it reminds me of how much I’d love to exorcise them from my friends list.
What drives you wild on The Facebook? Let us know in the comments!