Look, arguments on the internet happen. I know we all try to be above that, and not get suckered into literally screaming at our computers (the 2012 equivalent of lifting up your Nintendo controller to make Mario jump), but nobody’s perfect. Sometimes jerks just draw you in. And then, the goal is no longer correct, but it’s winning. And people will stoop to some pretty low things in order to win an argument. So, after much “research” (that’s how I tried to justify my many angry message board posts) I have compiled what I believe are the 7 Worst Ways People Try To Win Arguments On The Internet:
Comparing You To Hitler
The old classic! Nothing signals the end of an actual conversation like dropping the “You know who else thought ________? Hitler!” Ironically enough, you know who else was so unstable they would compare any slightest thing to one of history’s greatest monsters? Hitler!
Quitting the Conversation
”And that’s all I’m going to say about. Y’all have a nice night.” First of all, I know you don’t mean that “have a nice night”. Second, disengaging from the conversation doesn’t mean you’ve won! It just means I hate you and will continue posting more and more inflammatory statements in a desperate bid to get you to come back to the conversation. Oh wait, I guess that means you won.
Posting My Personal Information
I know technically I’m the idiot who recorded their phone number somewhere on the internet a savvy enough person could find it, but that doesn’t mean you’re not garbage for going and posting it in a much easier to find place. Good thing you only have 30 Twitter followers, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
Posting Your Personal Information
Maybe that isn’t your real home address, I can’t actually tell right this moment. But even if it is, I am not coming to your home so we can “Settle this like men” (men from what time period, Ancient Rome?)
Referencing Bad Sources
Here’s a tip: When you are totally and unabashedly full of crap, posting an article from a website that is ALSO totally and unabashedly full of crap as evidence of why you’re correct is… well, it’s in totally fitting with your character. But still, knock it off!
You cannot convince me evolution is not real for the same reason you cannot convince me 2+2=5. Those are both empirically, provably true, and your arguments to the contrary are MAKING ME SO MAD WHY CAN’T I JUST SETTLE DOWN AND REALIZE YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST TROLLING ME?!?!
You know how sports are great, and fun, and not that important? Well, if you know that, why are you posting multiple paragraph comments in a discussion about how many goals Wayne Gretzky would score if he was playing today. If your comment is so long it requires the server to break it up into two different comments, bad news; no one is finishing your comment.
Why won’t people just accept that we’re right? Let us know in the comments!