I sure am steamed, loyal readers. Yesterday, after drinking about a dozen of daddy's grown up sodas, I wandered down to my local fine dining restaurant. I had planned on a relaxing evening of eating expensive lasagna by myself, complete with excellent service. But to my shock and dismay, my waiter was a WEREWOLF! Though I tried to ignore this, werewolves are terrible waiters. Don't believe me? Consider the evidence:
Werewolves Can't Touch Silverware
As you may know, a werewolf can only be killed by a silver bullet. This makes them extremely nervous around silver, and incapable of performing a waiter's duty to handle a diner's silverware. I first suspected my waiter was a werewolf when he said he "absolutely would not" sit across from me and feed me salad like my ex-girlfriend used to. What's the matter, Ryan? Afraid the salad fork will burn your skin?!
Hair + Food = Bad Combo
When my lasagna arrived, it was just coated in Ryan's werewolf hair. Werewolves are known to shed, so my request for a free order of lasagna was NOT as unreasonable as Ryan the Werewolf made it sound. The fact that I wanted to eat the lasagna I had already been served while the second order of lasagna was placed at the empty chair opposite mine shouldn't matter, and if you think it does, you are falling victim to Ryan's treacherous werewolf lies. Like I carefully explained to the restaurant manager, I didn't notice the thick matting of werewolf hair until I'd already accidentally swallowed it.
The Painful Transformation Process Makes Werewolves Cranky
Ryan started the evening as a polite young man, but grew increasingly pained and agitated throughout. No doubt this is because he was trying to prevent his giant, beastly wolf snout from shooting out of his face before I tipped him. By the end of the evening, his shouting was completely indecipherable, even when I wasn't sobbing.
Unlike Good Waiters, Werewolves Feel No Empathy
If Ryan had never been placed under the monstrous curse of lycanthropy, I'm sure he could've been a great waiter. Truly great waiters make menu recommendations based on the mood they detect at the table, and always know when you want another glass of wine. Sadly, Ryan did not even suggest ordering a Triple Chocolate Cake, which was Monica's favorite dessert. Eating it would have made me feel close to her again and easily clogged up my tears for at least an hour. Alas, since the rising wolf within blotted out everything human in his soul, Ryan wouldn't bring me a dessert menu.
They Deny That They Are Werewolves
When I was sure I had compiled enough evidence that my waiter was a werewolf, I did the only responsible thing: I screamed "WEREWOLF!!! THIS MAN IS A WEREWOLF!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" I hoped that my fellow diners would heed my warning and Ryan would break down and confirm that he was about to transform into a ravenous wolf-beast, thus sparing the lives of the whole dining room, but no such thing happened. Ryan alerted two large men-- the other members of his pack?-- and they dragged me out of the restaurant. I asked Ryan when he would admit that he has a problem, and all he said was, "Dan, this is really not healthy. You're in denial. Monica broke up with you a month ago. You need to stop coming here."
Good waiters are truthful and do not say hurtful things or have glinting, powerful fangs. Don't have a werewolf waiter and also don't ever date Monica Thompson because she'll break your heart.
What mythical beasts work in your favorite restaurants? Let us know in the comments!