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Very Best Of FML: Roommate Edition!

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I hope my roommates know they're nothing more than half a rent check to me.

 

Economists see the world through the eyes of an economist

standing on scale

Today, my roommate came out of the bathroom, and asked me how the scales knew her weight in both pounds and kilos, even though "the exchange rate is always changing." I actually live with this idiot. FML

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At least they're not shooting up reese's peanut butter

mars barToday, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

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As gross as a thing can be

sniffing underwearToday, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

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Sharing the lease with a monster

suicide note

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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BONJOUR

close up faceToday, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

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Not its intended use

hanging towelToday, my new roommate moved in. It seems that instead of using toilet paper like a normal human being, she instead opts to use the nearest towel in reach. I found this out when I went to dry off with mine after a shower. FML

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In which many problems are presented

weighting testiclesToday, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "weighing my testicles, you should try it sometime, if they are too heavy you may have cancer". I'm a girl. FML

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They aren't hard to distinguish

dry erase markers

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

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No. NO. NONONONONO.

loofa

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the sh*t of four college boys for the last six months. FML

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