I formed an emotional bond with the Resident Evil series the first time a bloody monster hand plunged through the roof of a train. A train, mind you, that was somehow powered by wolf and eagle medals. But as much as I love the series, even I have to admit that it has had some stupid, stupid moments through the years. In the interest of making sure they never happen again, let's point out all of these blunders in front of the entire internet. Resident Evil, I hope you know I'm only doing this because I love you.
Barry tells Jill she was almost a "Jill Sandwich"
What does that even MEAN? A sandwich between the floor and cement ceiling? Because then Jill wouldn't BE the sandwich, she'd be an ingredient IN the sandwich. Do you even know how sandwiches WORK, Barry? Have you ever BEEN to Subway? Do you EVER Eat Fresh™?
Sherry immediately recovers from the G Virus
Near the end of Resident Evil 2, Sherry Birkin is infected with the G Virus by her father because, uh, whatever. So then Claire picks up, like, two chemicals, puts them in a machine, and then MAKES THE VACCINE IN LIKE A SECOND. What did she do, put the vials in the machine and press the "science" button?
And then they give Sherry the vaccine, and she just immedaitely wakes up and is fine! I was bedridden for a week after I got my tonsils out and they weren't even eating away at the structure of my very DNA.
Every time The Nemesis showed up after, like, the fourth time
The first time we see The Nemesis, yeah, it was terrifying. Even the second time, it was pretty scary. Third time it induced a feeling of panic. I began to wonder if I would ever be safe. But eventually, seeing The Nemesis was just an annoyance, like an about-to-be-divorced neighbor who hangs out at your place every day because he's afraid to go home. It's like, come on The Nemesis, deal with your sh*t, you know?
Claire falls in love with Steve after he turns into a turtle monster
Oh sure, when Steve was a HUMAN Claire couldn't give him the time of day. Then when he turns into a muscled, tentacle-equipped turtle monster, she can't get ENOUGH of him! But then again, what else would you EXPECT from a girl?
(I actually don't know what I would expect from a girl. This scenario has never occured before in history. Nor should it.)
Leon gets saved by a dog
It's not so much that the dog jumped in at the last minute to save Leon from an El Gigante. That was set up in the begining of the game when Leon saved said dog and it's actually a nice little bit of storytelling. No, this moment is stupid because of the brain-dead way Leon says "Hey, it's that dog". He says it as intensity as he would say "I think I bought the wrong pushpins from Home Depot but these will work fine too."
Resident Evil 6
It pains me to write this, it really does, but BOY is Resident Evil 6 dumb. But maybe "dumb" isn't even the right word for it. Resident Evil 6 is scared. It doesn't know what it wants to be. Is it a moody, atmospheric thriller? Is it a balls-to-the-wall, gun-toting, knuckle-breaking action ride? Or is it a tense, Resident Evil 3-like sprint from a terrifying, overwhelming single enemy? It is ALL OF THOSE OUT OF THE BOX
Resident Evil 6, you can't be everything to everyone. You have to be YOURSELF. That's what's going to make gamers like you! Do you think they like Mario because he uses powerful, upgradable weapons? No! Gamers like Mario because he's a fat, happy plumber who likes to jump. THAT'S WHO MARIO IS. So now, Resident Evil, I want you to take a few years and figure out who YOU are. And don't come back with Resident Evil 7 until you do. Because Resident Evil, I love you and what I want most is for YOU to love you.
Which was the stupidest Resident Evil moment? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!