There are very few fun things to look forward to when going back to school. I mean, obviously, recess. Lunch is fine. And I guess English if you're some sort of nerd. But one fun part of going back to school is using all those sweet supplies you picked up. And here are the funnest school supplies to use!
You want to write your name on the bathroom wall that is the internet
This is the same reason anyone has ever written poetry—sometimes you do something that has absolutely NO value to the world writ large just so it knows you exist.
You've learned the secret of the first comment
Whoever writes the most "FIRST!!" comments on internet articles by the time the clock strikes twelve on Ocober 13, 2012 will receive three wishes. You can't wish anyone back from the dead though. So that's sort of a bummer.
Your parents raised you to be competetive
Just the fact that someone else wants to get the first comment means you cannot let them get first comment. Do you think your parents raised you to be number 2? Absolutely not! If they wanted you to accept being second at anything, they wouldn't have forced you to do battle with your older sister on the roof of that castle and right now you'd be living at your aunt and uncle's house.
You're accidentally running Google Chrome's "FIRST!!" extention
Man Google Chrome extensions don't even make sense anymore.
You're making fun of those idiots who actually care about being first
Mm, irony. Is that gonna be your defense? Really? Because there is truth in every joke. So go ahead and tell everyone that's your reason for postin "FIRST!!", but don't expect us to believe it. We saw through it when uou started wearing skinny jeans because you thought they fit better. We saw through it when you started listening to Fleet Foxes like a day after everyone else started listening to Fleet Foxes. We see through your game, hipster, and we know you're only being dishonest with yourself.
No one has noticed you—really, really noticed you, in over two years
Not your teachers. Not your friends. Certainly not Tony Phillips, captain of the football team. But now that you've made the first comment on "Top Ten Reasons Justin Bieber is Still Dumb", they'll have to take notice, won't they? LET'S SEE THEM IGNORE YOU NOW.
Why do you try so hard to be "FIRST!!"? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!