Everyone’s a critic...especially on the internet. Sometimes it seems like the World Wide Web exists solely as a platform for stupid people to express their stupid opinions about stupid things. Case in point? The comment thread below this post. (Burn!) For my money, the worst (and therefore most entertaining) “critics” exist on YouTube. There’s just something about webcams that make people reveal their deepest thoughts about fast food, makeup and pregnancy tests...
McDonald’s Happy Meal Review
Straight up, this clip – which also functions as a shout out to the maker’s "homegirl Lily" – is 4:22 of madness. He doesn't actually eat anything until the 2:10 mark. At one point, he yells, "Oh, these fries got it goin' on!" in earnest. The scene at 2:45 will disturb you to the core of your being. Takeaway Quote: "I don't do fruit."
My New Dell Mini 9 Laptop
Has your mind been thoroughly numbed yet today? If not, watch this woman literally take a computer out of a box and turn it on. Watching a woman turn a computer on may not seem helpful – YouTube commenter su783, however, disagrees, saying, "i like how you turned it on. alot of videos just look at the outsid!!!" After turning it on, many tedious moments are then spent waiting for it to boot up. The confusion she expresses while looking at her Dell can only be described as infant-esque. Takeaway Quote: "It's great, 'cause I can carry it in my handbag, 'cause I have some large handbags."
Youth Diaper Review - Underjams (by Pampers)
Clocking in with 14 minutes and 53 seconds worth of craptastic commentary, this clip is fuller than a, uh, diaper. The phantom reviewer never shows his face – the video starts with him buying "Underjams" in what appears to be a foreign Wal-Mart and ends with him standing next to said Underjams in a dark room. At the end, he gives a shout out to "a girl who made videos for young ladies...about their period and stuff." This video has been viewed 103,291 times. And counting. Takeaway Quote: "They're not very bulky, unfortunately. I wish they were bulkier."
Drugstore Makeup Review - Maybelline Baby Lips
These extraordinarily vacant Stepford Wives in training are the most inane, idiotic coozes I've ever encountered – online or off. Almost every quote in this video is a gem (examples: "They have pretty good color payoff for a lil' bitty chapstick." "We were drawn to this color because the packaging was pink, duh."), but the piece de resistance is the scene in which they insert a picture-in-picture of them talking about makeup over scenes of them slowly, methodically, putting makeup on. Takeaway Quote: "I was like, omigosh, those frickin' Maybelline Babylips things are so cute, I've gotta have 'em all. So we got 'em."
Clearblue Pregancy Test Review
The first thing you’ll notice about this video is that the protagonist of it is completely blase about the whole affair – about 30 seconds in, she lets us know why. She’s testing to see if she’s pregnant with her fourth child, which explains why she sighs once every ten seconds. If you’ve never seen a woman put a stick into a cup of her own urine and stand around uncomfortably waiting for results, get to it! WARNING: This woman’s lack of excitement over the existence of her fourth bundle of joy may permanently destroy your perception of the “beauty” of motherhood. Takeaway Quote: "I have three kids. I've always used Clearblue Easy. They've been the best."
Wendy's: 1/4 Single Combo Review
A) This baby genius’ YouTube username is sackboy466. B) He’s shot wearing a Lego shirt, sitting in front of a Lego poster. C) He gives his meal a 3.75 out of 5, because the fries sucked. D) He spends an inordinate amount of time talking about his ridiculous hat ("Before we get into that, I did get a new hat. Now, I actually own this hat. The other one wasn't mine."). E) He asks viewers to comment on whether or not they like the aforementioned hat - no one (so far) has commented on the hat. A+B+C+D+E = LULZ. Takeaway Quote: "Their fries are pretty good. They're not as good as other places like, um, Burger King. The fries are really good there."
CGRHD reviews SEGA CD CASE and MEGA FOAM INSERT
99% of amateur reviews don’t need to exist. 100% of amateur reviews of extinct video game packages don’t need to exist. I'm sure the super dweeb who made this video is trying to be amusing, humorous, and entertaining – unfortunately, he is not. Oh, and the stock music playing in the background is suicide inducing. Takeaway Quote: "Sega CD played newfangled optical media in the form of...CDs."
My Justin Bieber - Boyfriend Review
There’s nothing more cringe-worthy than watching a teen boy try to look cool while talking about how "classic" the Bieb's latest video is. "Boyfriend" isn’t playing in the background of the clip, it’s playing in the foreground – the damn song’s so loud, it drowns out everything the kid has to say (and he has a lot to say). Mostly about his Beyonce posters. Takeaway Quote: "It was nice. It was really cute."
Do YOU have an inane review you’d like to share with the class? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!