For as long as there have been families that have nothing to say to one another yet feel as though they should spend “quality” time together, board games have existed. Board games are the go-to source of entertainment for people who are too poor to afford cable, too lame to have a social life or too dull to carry on a conversation. That being the case, most board games are boring as hell. The ones on this list, though, really take the cake. (More like "bored games," am I right? Cough.)
Unless you're playing speed chess (and who the hell plays speed chess?), it feels like hours pass between moves. Sometimes hours do pass between moves. Hours...of your life...you’ll never get back...
Monopoly’s a classic, sure, but no one (I repeat, no one) ever finishes a game. Which means you just spend a butt-load of time circling a board over and over again for little to no payoff. The only people who can be fooled into thinking Monopoly money is real money are children – and we all know children don’t own anything cool, so there’s no point in buying stuff from ‘em with fraudulent dough.
Let's get one thing clear off the bat – my lack of enthusiasm for Risk (the Game of Global Domination) is NOT a by-product of my hatred for dweebs. It's just that it fits the textbook definition of boring. I mean, the damn game takes days to play! Sure, you may have taken over the entire world by the end of it, but was it worth it? You could have been doing something cool like watching TV that whole time!
Scrabble's one of those games that's fun in theory, but in practice turns into a tedious, suicide-inducing ordeal. We all like to think we're hyper-literate super geniuses – in reality, however, we are not. Which is why everyone takes twenty minutes per turn trying to come up with a smartypants word but inevitably ends up putting down "Go."
Any Trivial Pursuit Game From the 80's
You're on vacation with your folks in some busted-ass cabin in the woods. You're bored as hell; you start poking around the cabin looking for something to do. You find an ancient copy of Trivial Pursuit. You start playing; all the questions are about Russia. You circle the board in vain. You will never get all the pies.
If you're a grown-ass person playing Candy Land, it's never by choice. The only reason you're playing is because some snot-nosed kid in your life wants to play it. After all, it's the only game they can actually win because it requires absolutely no skill. Which means they're gonna want to play it over...and over...and over...
The game itself isn't boring – it's over much too quickly to be boring. What is boring, however, is waiting fifteen minutes to watch someone set up the board, precariously place a bunch of balls and plastic tchotchkes on it, accidentally knock the whole thing over and start again, etc. etc.
Kolejka was made to be boring – and boring it is. The Polish game’s point is to teach kids how tedious and awful Communism was; the game’s play mostly involves waiting in lines. Man, those Polish sure know how to party!
What other board games make you want to break down in tears? Let me know in the comments!