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- 08/23/12--12:22: _Download SMOSH's Pe...
- 03/18/13--17:29: _Nerd Franchises To ...
- 03/19/13--12:05: _Teen Shoots Himsel...
- 03/19/13--13:23: _6 Tense Situations ...
- 03/19/13--14:28: _10 Gross Ingredient...
- 03/19/13--15:55: _7 Things Your Paren...
- 03/19/13--18:16: _6 Toys Left Out Of ...
- 03/20/13--12:02: _YouTubers Start Get...
- 03/20/13--13:30: _6 Video Game Heroes...
- 03/20/13--14:47: _9 Worst Things To S...
- 03/20/13--16:29: _6 Horribly Blatant ...
- 03/21/13--11:59: _Kanye West To Name ...
- 03/21/13--13:16: _9 Celebrities Doing...
- 03/21/13--14:35: _Japanese Schoolgirl...
- 03/21/13--17:15: _10 Now Famous Actor...
- 03/22/13--13:38: _6 Superpowers It Wo...
- 03/22/13--14:46: _8 Jokes You Won't B...
- 03/22/13--17:48: _90's Toys That Are ...
- 03/23/13--12:36: _Smosh Schedule for ...
- 03/23/13--13:30: _Celebrities I Would...
- 08/23/12--12:22: Download SMOSH's Pen15 Song!
- 03/18/13--17:29: Nerd Franchises To Revive Via Kickstarter
- 03/19/13--12:05: Teen Shoots Himself In Groin, Claims Ninjas Did It
- 03/19/13--13:23: 6 Tense Situations Where It Pays to Have Played Stealth Video Games
- 03/19/13--14:28: 10 Gross Ingredients You Won't Believe Are In Everyday Food
- 03/19/13--15:55: 7 Things Your Parents Will Ultimately Be Right About
- 03/19/13--18:16: 6 Toys Left Out Of the Toy Story Movies
- 03/20/13--12:02: YouTubers Start Getting Arrested For 'Gallon Smashing' Videos
- 03/20/13--13:30: 6 Video Game Heroes As Teenagers
- 03/20/13--14:47: 9 Worst Things To Start Collecting
- 03/20/13--16:29: 6 Horribly Blatant Video Game Knock Offs
- 03/21/13--11:59: Kanye West To Name His Baby 'North West'?
- 03/21/13--13:16: 9 Celebrities Doing Impressions Of Other Celebrities
- 03/21/13--17:15: 10 Now Famous Actors You Didn't Know Were In Movies You Probably Saw
- 03/22/13--13:38: 6 Superpowers It Would Suck To Have
- 03/22/13--14:46: 8 Jokes You Won't Believe They Got Away With On Drake & Josh
- 03/22/13--17:48: 90's Toys That Are Due For A Comeback
- 03/23/13--12:36: Smosh Schedule for PLAYLIST LIVE 2013
- 03/23/13--13:30: Celebrities I Would Want As My Mentor
If you watched the smosh video Secret Club Revealed, you remember Ian looked like a badass.
You also remember the rocking anthem of awesomeness, the PEN15 SONG. That rock now can be YOURS, just by clicking the download link below.
After last week's incredibly successful Veronica Mars Kickstarter, which funded a movie based on the long-canceled CW show and set Kickstarter records, fans of cult TV, movie, and video game franchises have discovered a new way to make their voices heard. If they speak in the only language entertainment companies understand, cold hard CASH, they can influence their decisions. Although, I have to ask: How do you think that makes Veronica Mars feel, huh? The damn thing comes back after being canceled for seven years and the first thing you can think of is what comes next? How do you act on Christmas morning? How about you say "thank you" for the present you just opened before ravenously tearing into the next one, you petulant child? But now that I've chastised those who are looking ahead to other geek franchises they want revived by Kickstarter, I'd like to present my list of the other geek franchises I want revived by Kickstarter.
The reason to Kickstart a new Battletoads game is simple: It was really really HARD. The only people who ever got through the game's surfing level were those of us with big brothers. And this is an important message to send to gaming companies right now. The new Tomb Raider is incredibly good, but it doesn't have any of the older Tomb Raider's challenging, obtuse puzzles. Games are getting easier, and if we don't prove that there's still a market for hard games, we're on a path to a Zelda game where small keys are all over the ground and when you finally face Gannondorf he just cries and offers you a hand-written apology.
The Golden Compass
Since no movie studio is going to throw good money after bad, the failure of the first film in this series makes it certain that the franchise will never be resurrected. UNLESS THE FANS DEMAND IT. And here's why we should demand it — despite the fact that the first movie was awful, in the hands of a good director, the sequels to this movie will be AWESOME. They would feature such RAD SH*T as a KNIFE that cuts through REALITY, a POLAR BEAR wearing ARMOR EATING HIS FRIEND out of respect, and an INTELLIGENT CRITIQUE of RELIGIOUS CULTURE.
Freaks and Geeks
Freaks and Geeks was, no more and no less, a great show. We can use Kickstarter to remind Hollywood that, sometimes, that's enough. And movie studios quite often need to be reminded that quality is important. The movie executive In invited to my house last Thanksgiving just brought a poster of green bean casserole and spent the whole evening saying it was a "can't miss dish" for "the whole family".
Almost the exact opposite of Freaks and Geeks, Killer Instinct is a good example of pure nonsense selling a game. Sometimes studios need to be reminded that pure nonsense is fun too. I mean, this game featured a ROBOT fighting a GARGOYLE. And it's announcer couldn't say "Combo Breaker" without having a stroke. Nothing made sense. Why didn't the robot or the gargoyle ever help him?!?
Look, no way is Nintendo going to make a Star Fox game if we don't Kickstart it. There's no way Nintendo is making ANYTHING besides Mario games and spinoffs unless we kickstart them. If we don't force them into a new Star Fox game our world will look like the begininng of Wall-E except instead of Trash the streets will be lined with piles and piles of Mario All-Star MMA and Luigi's Mansion Golf.
I watched the entire Firefly series AND the movie that came after it, and I honest to God don't remember a goddamn thing. So why would I hope for a Firefly Kickstarter? Because I NEED THE FIREFLY PEOPLE TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Everywhere I go, it's "Oh Firefly was the BEST show." "Oh, have you seen Firefly?" "Firefly was canceled WAY too soon!" "Oh I can't believe what happened to Firefly!" "How can we get FIREFLY back on the air?"
Like, do these guys have friends in their life that care about them? Then why aren't those friends intervening? If Firefly people would take their energy spent complaining about Firefly and put it into, say, getting an engineering degree, WE WOULD ALREADY BE LIVING IN A WORLD AS TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED AS FIREFLY.
Which franchise do you think most deserves your Kickstarter money? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
It was a pretty awesome story. A teenage boy driving with some chicks told police he was shot in the groin by two ninjas who jumped out of a van wielding semi-automatic weapons.
Ninjas pretty much live to shoot people in the groin. It is their ultimate attack.
The Chicago Tribune reported today that this is all a cruel hoax. Police became suspicious of the boy's story when quote, "Every single part of it sounded like a bunch of bull****." Then they went to check out the scene and there was no evidence of ninja foul play at all. Then the hospital confirmed that the gunshot wound trajectory indicated that the boy had clearly shot himself in the groin. It was looking less and less like ninjas with machine guns were involved here.
And more and more like this son of a bitch was to blame.
What then, was the real story here? Well, it turns out the kid had been driving around with two chicks and showing off his gun when, like an a**hole, he shot himself in the dick.
Hey sexy lady, can I buy you a drink? You ever been with a guy who shot himself right square in the dick?
The police are busy figuring out what to charge the kid with, although if you ask me, shooting yourself in the dick with your own gun in front of two chicks you are trying to impress is punishment enough. Also, the fact that he was awesome enough to make up a story about ninjas with machine guns to cover it up earns him bonus points so I would go ahead and categorize this one as time served.
The next time he shoots himself in the groin, he plans to make up a story about how furries descended from the sky, bit off his dick, then used it to make a crown for their king.
Why do you like shooting at your penis so much? Let us know in the comments below!
Check Out Fictional Weapons That Wouldn't Work In Real Life!
I've played tons and tons of Metal Gear, but once I realized how infrequently I'm assigned missions to infiltrate enemy bases, I started to wonder if it might be a waste of time. But there is ABSOLUTELY a reason to play stealth video games — they'll teach you to get out of these incredibly tense situations. I hope you're prepared.
Accidentally getting off the elevator on the wrong floor
Everyone else in the elevator is going to think you're an idiot if you get back in, but what if someone else is getting out on that floor? This is, of course, the nightmare scenario, where you must take advantage of every nook and entryway to try and disappear from sight. If your mission is unsuccessful, everyone in the office building will know how dumb you are, your reputation as a human misfire will spread, you'll never get into a relationship, and your dog won't recover from his car accident, and the new Arrested Development will suck, and if you haven't been to college you never will and if you have been to college your degree will have to be returned.
Easter egg hunts
If you become a shadow, an idea, a myth, you're likely to collect more Easter eggs.
When breaking out of prison
Whatever your reason for wanting to break out of prison — maybe you were wrongly convicted of your wife's murder. Maybe you embezzled from your company. Maybe you were rightly convicted of your wife's murder — you'll be better at it if you've played Splinter Cell.
Watching movies that have sex scenes with your parents
It's cool that you and your dad have the kind of relationship where you can hang out and watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall together, but no one is cool enough with their parents to sit comfortably through a sex scene together. Hopefully you've put in enough time playing stealth video games to escape so your father will only find an empty seat next to him when he looks over awkwardly out of the corner of his eye. Otherwise, the only way your father will ever again look at you will be awkwardly out of the corner of his eye.
Your ex's wedding
Seeing someone you used to love get married can be emotional, sure, but it can be awkward as well, so you'll want to avoid detection. Especially from your ex's new life partner, since they're sure to ask why you came. That can be a tricky question to answer, especially since you probably don't even know YOURSELF why you came.
If you find yourself taken hostage at the bank by armed robbers, any knowledge you have in terms of sneaking away will be valuable. You'll at least do better than the guy who played a bunch of Mortal Kombat and tries to hit the robbers with a flying bicycle kick, because that guy is definitely getting shot.
How have you used stealth skills to just only barely get by in day-to-day society? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
If you're like me you just shove your face full of whatever tastes good with absolutely no regard for the consequences of my actions. Sometimes I do make an effort to eat healthy and buy things that are organic and 'all natural'. But 'all natural' isn't exactly as appealing as it may sound! Here's 10 disgusting food ingredients that are made from super gross animal and bug parts and juices. Yeah, I said juices. Be prepared to cry, vegetarians!
What it is: Ground up red beetles
Have you ever eaten anything pink or red? Then you've eaten the carmine-filled abdomen of a bug that was killed by immersion in hot water, or exposure to heat, and then dried and ground up to make things look cherry and strawberry. So basically the two best Starburst flavors are beetle guts. Still better than lemon!
What it really is: anal glad secretions and urine from a beaver
This ingredient is commonly found in vanilla ice cream and raspberry flavored foods. I guess vanilla does sound more appealing than anal juice. Glad I've always been a chocolate lover. Please don't tell me that's made from dehydrated armadillo poop.
What it really is: Dried fish bladders
This ingredient gives beer it's appealing golden hue. It's kind of strange to think of your bladder being full of bladders. Also who's job is it to extract fish bladders? Great, now I'm gonna go down an internet research wormhole. See you in a day or so.
What it really is: Boiled down pig skin (46%), bovine hide (29.4%) and pork and cattle bones (23.1%).
So if you get raspberry flavored, you're hitting the gross food ingredient trifecta: gelatin, castoreum and carmine. Mmmm pig skin, ground up beetle belly and anal juice. Thanks, mom!
What it really is: An oiley secretion found in sheep's wool
Lanolin is commonly used to soften chewing gum. Chew on that for awhile! And then laugh to yourself every time you see someone obnoxiously smacking away on some Bubble Yum. Look at their faces as they savor sheep secretions. Yummy, juicy sheep secretions.
Shortening (in Hostess products)
What it really is: The shortening in Hostess products contain one or more of the following: partially hydrogenated soybean, cottonseed and canola oil, and BEEF FAT.
Maybe it's a good thing these products are going away? I like my desserts beef-free. I also like them to go 'bad' after a day or two, not that they ever last that long...BUT STILL!
What it really is: An amino acid made from human hair or duck feathers
Do you like mass-produced bread products? Who doesn't? You're basically eating hair and feathers. Well not really...but still! It's in there! Maybe I'll jump on the gluten-free bandwagon after all. Are there gluten-free Italian subs and pizza that taste as good as the real thing? *crickets*
What it really is: Calf stomach
Enzymes produced from calf stomach are used to make cheese. Why is it that rennet is gross but eating dairy that came from a cow's teets isn't? I guess it's just one of life's little mysteries, folks.
What it really is: Bone char
Bone char is used to filter and discolor sugar. So basically every granule of delicious sugar we eat has touched the charred remains of 'animals'. I'm adding unnecessary quotation marks to heighten the horror of it all.
What it really is: The refined secretions of Kerria lacca insects
Basically any candy that has a shiny outer shell on it is shellacked with bug secretions. Think of that the next time you ask for sprinkles on your anal juice cream cone.
Were you surprised by any of these? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
Bad news kids; you are not going to be right about everything. I know that right now, during your fits of screaming that end with you slamming at least one door (you can do two if you’re lucky enough to have a bathroom attached to your room), you know you’ll be vindicated on every single thing you’ve ever said. But you won’t. You’re wrong, and your parents are right, at least about some stuff. Here is a list of 7 Thing Your Parents Will Ultimately Be Right About:
Guys, outside of the social element of going outside, there’s a very basic reason not just sit in your house and play video games. The sun has vitamins in it, and if you don’t go out in the sun, you will get rickets. Is that what you want? Rickets? Go outside, kid!
Our culture has a bad habit of shaming people who are bigger than the so-called “norm”, but beyond the fallacies of judging people for their weight, your parents are right about the garbage you eat. Whether or not your metabolism will stop you from putting ‘em on, you will still suffer the health consequences of your terrible food choices. And by the time you start to show the consequences of eating garbage (metaphorically, garbage would actually be healthier than what some of us eat) you’re so old and set in your ways it’s incredibly difficult to change your ways.
Spending Time Talking To Each Other
Talking to your family is important! Turn off the iPads, the PS3s, the books (stupid books) and have a conversation with each other. Maybe your dumb brother actually has a good story about school (doubtful, but back me up here guys).
Turning Your Music Down
WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUE I IGNORED THE WARNINGS ABOUT WHAT LISTENING TO LOUD MUSIC WOULD DO TO MY HEARING. SOMEONE HELP ME TURN ON MY COCHLEAR IMPLANT…
Your Effort Level
Try hard in school. Your parents are always saying it, and you’re always ignoring it, but you should try hard. If you don’t get into a good school, it’s hard to get a job in the upper-echelon of your field, and then it’s hard not to die in a gutter.
Being Nice To Your Elders
They might know important stuff! Like… a locker code, or… forget it, let’s move on from this one.
The End Of The World
My new mothers and fathers from my family of the high-ordained moon-buddies are totally right about the world ending in 2015. That is why we now must feast… FEAST!
WHAT SHOULD WE FEAST ON THE INFANTS WILL WEEP AS THE ENGAGE OUR SLAUGHTER. Let us know in the comments!
I was rewatching Toy Story 3 the other day, because @danborrelli has feelings too, and it occurred to me that all of the toys from these 3 movies were based off of classic 70s toys. A barrel of monkeys, a cowboy, the bookworm, etc. So I started thinking back to when I was a kid and wondered what toys were totally left out of this trilogy. So I made a list! I also left out the reoccurring internet joke about Andy’s mom’s "toy". God internet you ruin so much childhood on a daily basis…
There’s NO way Andy would have grown up Pogless. 0% chance. And incorporating Pogs into the movie as some sort of Toy Story version of the paintings in Harry Potter would have been awesome! They could have spoken solely in riddles, voiced by every cast member from every NBC sitcom. It would have been fantastic. I’m writing a letter…
5. MAGIC 8 BALL
How awesome would it have been if Woody had some weird Aviator-like obsession where he had to consult a magic 8-ball before making any major decision. We could have had an entirely different outcome. Instead of rescuing Buzz in the first movie, he might have ended up just staying inside watching The Wonder Years on Netflix.
EDITOR NOTE: There WAS an 8-Ball in Toy Story. Get it together, Borrelli!
4. OPTIMUS PRIME
Oh, there’s a really mean teddy bear terrorizing you and your friends? That sounds SOOOO awful for every toy involved. Except Optimus #($&ing Prime! These movies would have lasted 10 seconds. We meet the toys, they face a problem, OP delivers a bunch of bullets. #Disney
3. BEANIE BABIES
Andy’s sister totally would have had a massive collection of these sitting at the foot of her canopy bed. A small, mindless army that could have been a rival brigade to the young alien race that inhabited the Toy Story universe. Every loveable character needs a rival, and this would have been an epic battle. Bears vs. Aliens, by Sir Michael Bay. Mark it.
2. GAME BOY
A highly intuitive supercomputer that the group could have used while hatching their plans. The Game Boy would be the Rosetta Stone of the toy universe. And just as everything came to a head in the climax, he would give his own life, for the safety of his friends. For this computer had finally learned how to love…
1. THAT BALANCING BIRD THING FROM THE 90S
Things things were awesome. And one of them would have been a great companion to the core group. Of course it couldn’t do much, pretty much, just balance and stuff… But it could have provided sarcastic, witty one-liners. Maybe be voiced by Martin Short or something. I’ll add it to my letter…
What toy would you add to the movies? Let me know in the comments below or by screaming at me @danborrelli
Because the internet is at least seventy percent selfish d-bags, "gallon smashing" has become a big deal on YouTube. If you haven't yet seen anyone gallon smash, it's a prank where a kid — probably an adolescent white male whose father is distant and whose mother never told him anything he did was wrong — goes to a grocery store and spikes jugs of milk or juice on the ground, exploding their contents all over the place and pretending to slip when some nice fellow customer tries to help them up.
Although, the lessons these gallon smashers are learning in terms of preying on helpless citizens to make their own lives feel less hollow will certainly serve them well if they decide to go into finance.
Gallon smashing is a potential 201 class next semester at Harvard Business School.
But as the fad has caught on, teens are finding themselves being arrested for gallon smashing. Four teens in Mississippi were arrested for disorderly conduct after gallon smashing in a Walmart, while a teen who smashed some gallons in Butte, Montana was charged with mischief and theft. So these kids are being arrested for copying a YouTube fad. I mean, if you're going to get arrested, at least be arrested for something original. There's nothing worse than going to jail for a crime that we've all seen before.
Dude, murder's been around since, like, the ancient Greeks. YAWN.
Here's the thing. All comedy has a target. There's always a butt of the joke. When we think about that in the context of gallon smashing, who are the laughs coming at the expense of? Old ladies. Minimum wage-earning employees. Helpful citizens. And what did these people do to earn our disdain? Entered a grocery store. So congratulations YouTubers. You're laughing at helpful people who have the audacity to go grocery shopping.
Let's tear these a**holes to to shreds.
Now, I've been pretty harsh on gallon smashing here, but I think we can all agree that one truly horrible thing has come out of it. Gallon smashing is a topic that is serious enough topic for local newspapers to write about, but not so serious that those newspapers think they can "have a little fun with it". That means every lazy local journalist is literally writing the EXACT SAME OPENING PARAGRAPH.
"And then we'll say that the kids getting arrested are 'crying over spilled milk!'"
Have you gone gallon smashing? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Youtuber Charles Ross Arrested for Giving Strangers Wedgies!
When I was but four days old, I ran into a burning building and saved the lives of dozens of orphaned kittens. I bathed each and every one of them with my infant tongue and adopted them as my own, raising them to adulthood. They and their descendants remain my loyal servants to this day. But most heroes are not like me, and have to get through adolescence before they start beating baddies. I know, for I watched them grow at a loving but safe distance. Here's what your favorite video game heroes were like as teens!
Kratos doesn't like to talk about it, but he once had a serious weight problem. Trust me, the dude was pissed off WAY before Ares tricked him into killing his family. How would YOU feel if you got picked last in dodgeball despite being half-god? He was really sensitive about it, too: if you called him fat, he'd cut off your head and jam it into your spurting neck hole.
John-117 is, was, and always has been too cool for school. See him shreddin' that axe? That's because MC don't play no rhythm guitar. Nah, homie. MC's a lead man. The kind of man whose uptight teacher hates him for never coming to class, but who gives him an A+ when he saves Spartan High's honor in the Battle of the Bands versus those darned Covenant. Even as a teenager, Master Chief would swaddle you in his warm charisma and sweet riffs until your will was putty in his hands and you would love him for it.
It's best we don't talk too much about Sonic's teen years. Let's just say this: meth is bad and hedgehogs are never born blue.
I know what you're thinking: with a build like that, Marcus (better known as "that Gears of War guy who looks and sounds exactly like the other ones but is the main one I guess") must have been a mega-jock. WRONG. Like Hugh Jackman before him, this bad boy was a musical theater prodigy. To this day he still remembers most of his tap training. Listen closely next time you hear him crush an alien skull with his feet- you just might recognize "Singin' in the Rain"!
From the ages of 15-17 Ryu was sad all the time and no one knew why. He had this big crush on Chun-Li, who was dating his buddy Ken back then. Chun-Li tried to get Ken to talk to him about his problems, but Ken was 15 so what did he know? He just told Ryu to "lighten up," which totally didn't help. Anyway, it turned out Ryu's dad was dying or something. Wait. Maybe his parents were getting divorced? Hang on, maybe I'm thinking of someone else. Ryu was definitely a bummer though.
Teen Lara Croft had no personality whatsoever, unless you count "having a chest people like staring at" as a personality. Good thing that changed!
Are you the one true savior and messiah, come to rescue us from ourselves? Let us know in the comments!
There is a primal urge in all humans to collect things. I don't know why we need to have stuff, but we do. You have to be really careful about what you collect, because there are a lot of really dumb things that you can own. You want a collection that's going to be worth something some day or at least has some sort of cultural importance like books. If you have books then at least people will think that you're smart despite that fact that you've never read anything in your life. Here are the worst things to start collecting.
Taxidermy is the art of stuffing the skin of dead animals to make creepy skin statues. There's no reason you should ever own any stuffed animals unless you're a hunter and live in an abaondoned old farm house. The worst thing about taxidermy is that there is a lot of really bad amateur taxidermy that barely looks like the animal that it is supposedly made out of. There is no faster way to scare away a potential mate than to say, "Would you like to see my collection of dead animals?"
Classic Video Games
Owning classic video games may seem like a good idea. Unlike most of the things on this list, it's something that you can actually use. You probably think that if you buy a bunch of old games then you'll play them all the time. It's just not going to happen. Most old games just aren't very fun by today's standards and any of them that are fun can probably be found in one of the many on-line stores that are offered by current generation consoles. The only reason to start collecting old games is if you are just really in to blowing on stuff and then yelling at your TV because Silver Surfer on NES is impossibly hard.
There's a weird business model for past their prime celebrities where they sell autographs. If you've ever been to a comic book convention then you've seen the rows and rows geriatric actors who were in one episode of Buck Rogers. The only reason to collect celebrity autographs is to remind yourself why you never tried to become an actor.
New Action Figures
There was a time when collecting action figures was actually a good idea. No one thought that they'd be worth anything so everyone ripped open the boxes and played with them until they fell apart. In the 90's old action figures became crazy valuable. This resulted in a new generation of people keeping their action figures in mint condition in the boxes. That's why they aren't worth anything any more. There are just too many of them on the market. In today's world, action figures have gotten insanely expensive because toy companies know that single 40 year old dues will shell out huge amounts of money for that fleeting sense of nostalgia from owning a toy from some obscure cartoon from their childhood.
The idea of owning swords is way cooler than the reality of owning swords. There are swords that are worth a lot of money, but I doubt you're going to be buying any full tang hand folded steel katanas from Japan. You're buying some dull polished aluminum crap from some hillbilly at a flea market. The only reason to own swords is if a zombie apocalypse suddenly breaks out. It's going to really suck for you when your cheap swords break on the first day of the apocalypse.
Empty Booze Bottles
For some reason, a lot of people start collecting empty booze bottles when they first start drinking. They think it's cool to let everyone know that they like to party. What people really think is, "This person has a drinking problem." Take all of your old booze bottles and go to the recycling center. Then you'll get some money for more booze you disgusting booze hound.
If you are in to collecting Blu-Ray movies, you should have a conversation with someone with a massive DVD or VHS or BETA or LaserDisc collection. There will always be an amazing new video format on the horizon, and you've totally got to upgrade all of your movies or you're not a real film buff. Then you haven't take all of your old movies to a used movie store and sell them for maybe 5% of what you paid for them. Unless it's something that you know you're going to watch over and over then just rent or stream it.
You've seen these machines at just about any amusement park in the country. For only one dollar and a penny, these machines will press a logo in to a penny that you get to take home and keep forever. These are supposed to be a reminder of everywhere that you've visited. Really they're a reminder of how bad you are at spending money. Technically, defacing money is illegal so I think that anyone who presses a penny should have to go to jail.
I know a lot of people that collect the worst art they can possibly find. Whether it's cat statues, ugly family photos, or unicorn paintings, they want their house covered in the worst art that has ever been created. You don't want your house to look like an art gallery that only a crazy old cat lady would curate.
What dumb stuff do you collect? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
For every product made there is a cheaper, illegal knockoff version available. But when it comes to video games the level with which some people will try to convince you an Etch-a-Sketch is really an iPad for the colorblind is astounding. And it’s that very commitment to outright deception that has resulted in these blatant rip-offs bound to make someone very upset when they unwrap their gift…
How do you up the ante on a popular game console that already sounds like a cross between a plural pronoun and a body function? With a Chinese clone of the "Wii" that basically says, "When you think Mario Kart, think urine." Alas, you can’t use "Mario Kart" or any Wii games on this because it’s actually a 20-bit game system with enough processing power to let you play an illegal version of "John Madden Football ’91." The system also comes with a WiWimote and something called a WiWipad (which sounds suspiciously like the "wee-wee pads" used to housebreak puppies) but no WiWi nunchuck, which would mean even if the system did offer "WiWi Boxing" you’d spend most of the game just trying to slap your opponent with one hand.
A knockoff of the Sony PSP with a name that practically promises severe hallucinations and extreme paranoia (and features a second name—"Game Advance"—in case you were in the market for a Nintendo handheld unit from 2001), the PCP comes with five games (two of which don’t actually exist). It’s the perfect way to spend an afternoon playing such not-quite classics as "Thunderbolt Airplane" (a flight simulator that may not feature a plane), "Super Mary" (think "Super Mario" but with gender reversal or a very Catholic character), "Nonesuch Fly Racing" (with no details if this is about planes, cars, or house insets), "Street Overlord" (maybe a feudal "Street Fighter"), and everybody’s favorite "Chanticleer Hegemony" (which, if taken literally, would mean a game about rooster dominance).
There are countless Xbox 360 clones, from the PX-3600 to the X-80000 to probably a mislabeled Microsoft Windows XP to even something called "BATTMAN" with the cast of the movie "Batman & Robin" on the box (thereby ensuring dual copyright infringement and scathing reviews). But the X-Game 360 is perhaps one of the best (by which we mean "startling") knockoffs around because in addition to resembling a Babycakes Cake Pop Maker complete with a light zapper, the console is in reality a Mexican 8-bit NES emulator, meaning at least your parents can relive the joy of playing a subtitled "Duck Hunt."
No doubt someone’s gender-neutral answer to Game Boy, the Game Child was a handled game cartridge unit that did not allow for any game cartridges. Instead, where one would normally insert a cartridge there was an empty container in which perhaps you could store loose change or a list of your now dashed childhood hopes and wishes should you have gotten this for Christmas in 1989. In lieu of game cartridges, however, you instead got a single LCD game in which you stopped people from dumping oil on your land by shooting at them with a weapon that resembled a surface-to-air metal detector. The game ended when you hurled the entire unit against your bedroom wall and cried yourself to sleep, dreaming about next holiday season.
Any plans on playing "God of War: Ascension" will immediately end the moment you see the "Z" on the console. Or realize that the unit is no bigger than a Kindle wrapped in a plastic clamshell. Or notice that this video game console isn’t a console at all but rather an unwieldy handheld device with its own equally unwieldy remote and a pop-out two-inch screen that lets you endure such games as "Soccer" (minus the FIFA seal of approval probably because of the square ball), "Formula 1" (a racing game that lets you relive Atari’s "Pole Position"), "Submarine Invasion" (which may be a land-locked game), and "Space Guardian" (the game of babysitting large swaths of inky black emptiness).
Not every blatant video game knockoff is a console or available only in stores that sell partially unwrapped candy and DVD copies of "Teenager Transformed Japanese Mercenary Tortoises." This shockingly obvious rip-off of "Angry Birds"—with foxes instead of pigs and product theft instead of creativity—is available right now for the Blackberry. The game even calls out its true origins in its very own marketing copy, which reads "The animals are armed with a catapult and they fly through the air like furious birds." So if you were thinking of making and marketing your own version of "Jetpack Joyride" called "Jetpack Drive-By," the door has already been opened for you.
Are you perpetrating a scam right now? Let us know in the comments below!
Kanye West is just the best. His girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, is pregnant, and the latest reports indicate that he's leaning towards naming the baby North West. Like, the cardinal direction. As in "go North West on Spring street to get out of downtown."
"Hey girl, let's name that baby the direction I'm lookin' right now."
Every website reporting on it says that Kim Kardashian wouldn't allow the baby to be called North West as her family begins ALL their names with a "K". But is that really a tradition? Is a K, like, on their family crest or something? Why do "K"s matter to the Kardashians? They're not goddamn Marvel characters.
"Hello Peter Parker! I'm Betsy Brandt! This is my piece of paper, Nigel Notesabunch."
Kanye West is someone who just goes with his GUT, you know? He does what he think is right and, clearly, doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks. And while it's easy to make fun of the name "North West", I actually think that insanely high level of self-confidence would make Kanye West a great leader. In fact, I would seriously elect him to a position of power. Maybe not, like, President, but at least state senator.
Kanye's potential chief of staff.
Although, if he's to live past 40, Kanye West needs one dude whose ONLY JOB is to hang out, nod along with everything Kanye West does, but when it gets past a certain level of stupidity, just put up a hand and shake his head. Just tell him "no". Now, Kanye might whine. He might fight. He might pout. But this guy, this Gatekeeper of Ego, will earn his salary by simply holding strong. He will NOT let Kanye file a birth certificate naming his child North West. He will NOT let Kanye get on stage at award shows when he doesn't win. And he will NOT allow Kanye to build giant gold statues of himself in his front yard.
"Yo man let's get one of those but of me and also that shoots pudding out it mouth."
What other cardinal directions should Kanye West consider naming his child? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Celebrities Walking Other Celebrities!
These celebrities heard you like celebrities so they decided to impersonate other celebrities while being celebrities for you. Ouch, my brain. Can someone impersonate some Advil?
Leonardo DiCaprio Does Jack Nicholson
Paul Rudd Does Robert DeNiro
Matt Damon Does Mathew McConaughey
Elisha Cuthbert Does Renee Zellweger and Ellen
Maya Rudolph Does Gwen Stefani
Bradley Cooper Does Chistopher Walken
Tom Hiddleston Does Owen Wilson and Chris Evans
Kevin Spacey Does Everyone
Drake Does Lil Wayne
James Franco Does Justin Bieber
Which celeb did it best? Let me know in the comments!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter and I’ll show you my impression of Steve Buscemi.
Since Japan seems to be on a mission to alienate me from their culture, the latest trend is for women to wear panties over their face. Yes, "panties" as in the undergarment, and yes, "their face" as in the front of their head.
Where are they putting their glasses? On their genitals? I hope it's not their genitals.
The trend began with the announcement of a superhero movie called Hentai Kamen. Based on a popular manga series, Hentai Kamen is a superhero whose powers are honest to god activated by wearing his sex worker mother's panties over his face.
Who is this guy's arch-enemy? Commander Basic Human Decency?
Hey, Japan? You don't have to dress like your favorite superhero in day-to-day life just because you're excited about their upcoming movie. I mean, you didn't see anyone in America dressing up as Batman and going out in every day life when we were all so excited about The Dark Knight Rises, did you?
Okay, so at least ONE GUY dressed up as Batman and went out in public.
In fairness, his parents did just die.
So here we are — girls in Japan, regular girls with regular lives, are walking around with panties on their face. So Japan, can I just talk to you for a second? Like, what are you doing? Do you want your young women to be capable of getting jobs? Because you can't get a job with panties on your face.
Unless these panty-faced women are CEOs. But even then, business is global now, Japan. Your CEOs have to deal with people from rational countries in the world all the time. There is officially no reason for this panty face thing to be going on. In fact, I'm starting to realize there is only one logical explanation to all this: The entire country of Japan is a prank being pulled on me.
Of course! It's the only way to make sense of Japan's nonstop stream of nonsense!
What do you think Japan is even UP to? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 14 Incredibly WTF Anime GIFs!
It's always funny and strange to find clips on YouTube and see well known actors before they were famous in really low-budget movies or commercials. It's even stranger though to realize that you actually did see them in a huge movie in a bit role or supporting part years before they became A-listers.It's like realizing you and your sweetheart went to the same summer camp when you were kids and trying to remember if they made an impression on you way back when. Here's 10 famous actors you probably saw in movies way before they were famous.
Megan Fox--Bad Boys II
At the age of 15 (!) Megan played 'Stars and Stripes Bikini Kid Dancing Under Waterfall' in the Will Smith hit. Interestingly enough, this film was also helmed by Transformers director, Michael Bay. I guess she really made an impression! Megan's really come a long way since playing a scantily-clad sex object extra. Now she's a scantily clad sex object lead. Oh yeah and a mother and a healer. We can't forget that!
Aaron Paul--Mission: Impossible III
From screw up brother to screw up who's kind of becoming not so screwed up, I'd say Paul is moving in the right direction. I mean no mission is too impossible for Paul's Breaking Bad character, Jesse Pinkman. See the great train heist episode. If that's not enough proof, I have 3 words for you 'YEAH BITCH! MAGNETS!
Mischa Barton--The Sixth Sense
She played a creepy ghost child years before she played the rich and troubled Marissa on The OC. Season 4 would've been so much better if Mischa went back to her ghost roots and haunted Ryan and Taylor. Am I the only one who hated Rylor or Tayan or whatever they were called? I just called them so effing annoying.
Ryan Gosling---Remember the Titans
Gosling had a supporting role in this inspirational football drama. Now he stars in my dreams every night as my devoted boyfriend. And some other movies you may have heard of.
In Species, Michelle played the younger version of the lead character Sil, a human/alien hybrid monster. Now she pretty much stars in movies that make you snot cry. I'd advise her to try something new, but I can't really picture her in a rom-com opposite Ashton Kutcher.
Jake Gyllenhaal--City Slickers
Jake played Billy Crystal's son in in this cowboy comedy. Judging by this photo, I'm guess he never had an awkward phase. Apropos of nothing, I think he and Michelle Williams should get married. It would just warm my cold black heart to see those two together.
Jaime Pressly--Can't Hardly Wait
Jaime played 'girlfriend # 1' in this popular teen sex comedy. Although sometimes she's credited as 'pretty girl, ugly face meme'. I wish my 'ugly face' was that pretty.
OMG. I'm dying over this one. I'm a total Team Eric kind of girl and now I guess I'm on Team Meekus too. I have to go watch this one again just to see the impossible...Eric Northman act a fool. Well, for a reason other than Sookie.
Katherine Heigl--Bride of Chucky
Katherine played Jade, the woman whose body Chucky wants to use to bring his main lady Tiffany back to human form. I actually enjoy this movie way more than any of Heigl's rom-coms. What can I say? I'm a fan of unconventional love stories.
Ryan Reynolds--Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Okay technically it's a tele-movie, but I'm including it because OMFG look at Ryan Reynolds!?!? He played Sabrina's love interest, Crunchy Yellow Hair, I mean Seth. Informal survey: Did he get a nose job?? Tell me your unprofessional opinion on the matter in the comments!
Were you surprised by any of these? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
We've all dreamed about being a superhero when we were little kids. I know I did. I would wish that a truck full of radioactive waste would crash in to my house or I'd find a magic amulet lodged inside a tree. It never happened. I wanted a superpower so bad that I didn't even care what power it was. Now as an adult, I've come to realize that most superpowers would actually be really inconvenient and lame if you had to deal with having them all the time. Here are superpowers that would suck to have.
Why It Should Rule
Magneto is one of the most badass mutants in the Marvel Universe. He has total control over any metal that has magnetic properties. He can do anything from making force fields to flying to throwing tanks at you. He even pulled all of the adamantium out of Wolverine at one point. With this kind of power you'd definitely be able to rule the world.
Why It Would Suck
Hard drives are magnetic and they get erased when they are around a strong magnet. That's right. If you have magnetism manipulation powers, then you can never use a computer or play a video game. What is the point of ruling the world if you can't spend your free time leisurely playing Call Of Duty while someone feeds you grapes?
Why It Should Rule
Invulnerability is a power that makes it so absolutely nothing can hurt you. You could walk away from the center of a nuclear explosion if you wanted to. There would be absolutely no situation that would be too dangerous for you so you'd go down as one of the greatest superheroes in history.
Why It Would Suck
Since nothing can hurt you then you're going to have to do a lot of incredibly dangerous stuff all the time. Whenever there is a situation where someone could get killed, they will call on you all day every day to come fix the problem. It would probably eventually get boring the hundredth time you have to save a bus full of kids from a volcano. The other thing that would suck is that everyone would constantly try to kill you. They wouldn't be successful, but it would get old about the thousandth time someone tries to stab you with a flea market katana.
Talking To Fish
Why It Should Rule
People make fun of Aquaman all the time because they claim he has a useless power. I personally think it would awesome to be able to talk to fish to have them do your bidding. The earth is covered with over 70% water. That means if you had fish talking powers then you'd be the most powerful superhero on the majority of the planet.
Why It Would Suck
The thing about talking to fish is that fish have extremely short memories. It's kind of hard to get something to do your bidding if it can't even remember that you had a conversation five minutes ago. Fish are also scared of everything so most of your conversations will involve you explaining that you aren't there to kill and eat them.
Why It Should Rule
Every perverted 12 year old hopes that they could somehow get X-Ray Vision. It's mostly with the intent of getting to see some naked ladies. At that age, all we know are teh bewbz r jawesome and we want to see them somehow. You could also use your powers to spot criminals through walls who have maybe broken in to a bank or whatever. The bewbz are the number one most important thing here.
Why It Would Suck
First off, X-Ray vision wouldn't let you see any bewbz at all. You'd see through the bewbz and just see a bunch of skeletons running around all the time. It'd be like living a nightmarish hellscape. Secondly, you're going to give everyone you know cancer. X-Rays are legit radiation and not the good give-you-super-powers kind. It's the give-you-cancer kind of radiation. Not seeing bewbz is the number one more important thing here.
Why It Should Rule
You're on Smosh so you're probably one of the smartest people you know. If you were any smarter than you are now, you'd be able to invent any technology or cure any disease. Having super intelligence would let you lead the Earth in to a golden age of enlightenment where we all fly around with jet packs on and no one has irritable bowel syndrome and everyone has video games built in the their brain.
Why It Would Suck
Being smarter than everyone is depressing. You can feel really isolated when everyone around you is a total moron. There wouldn't be anyone worth talking to so you'll probably end up just staying at home and playing Minesweeper on expert all night. It doesn't matter how smart you are if you never actually accomplish anything.
Why It Should Rule
I love history and there would be nothing more awesome than getting to go back in time and party with all of history's greatest figures. You could go horseback riding with Genghis Khan. You could stow away on the Apollo moon mission. You could even attend an orgy with Ben Franklin. He was really in to those. You could also go back in time and right some horrible wrong and change the course of humanity for the better if you really felt like it.
Why It Would Suck
Time is very sensitive and complex. You never know how your actions might accidentally change the course of human history for the worst. It could be something as simple as stepping on the wrong flower and then you come back to the future and the whole planet is over run by cyborgs. Then you have to go back and not step on the flower, but you instead you accidentally squash a fly and the unthinkable happens. Pokemon never existed. It's just way too much work to go back in time safely to even bother with it at all.
What other superpowers do you think would suck to have? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
I've painstakingly documented the filthy innuendo in iCarly and Victorious, now it's Drake and Josh's turn! I'm like the premiere scientific researcher in the field of dirty jokes on TV aimed at teens. My mom must be so proud! Here's 8 naughty jokes you won't believe they got away with on Drake and Josh. Or maybe you will believe it, because you're already jaded and cynical at a very young age.
Merry Christmas, Drake and Josh
Joke in Question: Josh says to Drake, "Never put your finger in me again!"
Drake needs to leave Josh alone! From the very first episode he's been grabbing at Josh. Maybe that was his main incentive for loosing so much weight. Were his moobs too tempting? Eww. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse than imagining where exactly Drake stuck his finger. Awww man, now I have a gross combo image stuck in my head.
Joke in Question: Drake is uncomfortable when Josh is attached to him from behind before they jump out of the helicopter.
Oh now Drake's the uncomfortable one! There's really only one way to one-up someone sticking their finger in you. That's all I'm gonna say. But live in fear, Drake. Because when you least expect it...wait I forgot I wasn't gonna say anymore. Moving on...
Joke in Question: When Josh sees Gary, the drummer in Drake's band, with sunblock all over his face he looks disturbed before saying, "Okay, what's all over his face?"
Okay, I'm trying to figure out a way to put this delicately, but I don't think one exists. Whatever you do...don't ask your mom. You don't wanna know that she knows what this joke means. Trust me.
Dr. Phyllis / Josh Runs Into Oprah
Joke in Question: Drake puts his rear end on Josh's picture of Oprah. While he does this, he says, "Oh yeah! Me and Oprah cheek to cheek!" and the door to Oprah's hospital room looks a little private part-y.
Since these are both Oprah-themed I'm lumping them together. I think Drake's rear on Oprah's face is pretty self-explanatory, but did you ever notice the weird looking wood grain on the door? It looks like Georgia O'Keefe put down her paint brush and got into wood-working.
Joke in Question: Peggy tells Drake and Josh she also considered a woman, they think she's talking about a date, and they look strangely at each other.
So Peggy swings both ways...when it comes to hiring a new meteorologist. Get your minds out of the gutter Drake and Josh! But I think what we all want to know is WHERE DID THE LOBSTER PINCH JOSH?! Go ahead, tell us. We won't tell Megan.
Peruvian Puff Pepper
Joke in Question: Josh is listening to radio instructions on making salsa . As he is holding two peppers, the announcer instructs him to 'handle the ingredients as if they were a fine woman.' Josh immediately drops the peppers, embarrassed, and says, "Sorry ma'am!"
Hot peppers=boobies. It's nice to see that Drake is finally the one grabbing boobies instead of being the victim of the groping. Hey Girls, did you know about your peppers?
Joke in Question: This convo:
Grammy: Back in my day, I used to go out with band players.
Josh: I don't even want to think about my grandma going out with dozens of musicians!
Grammy: Then I shouldn't tell you what I did last weekend, but I will say, it's a good thing I have this new hip.
Josh: Uh-oh, am I gonna' see you on Grammies Gone Wild?
Okay, so some men find Grammy to be a GILF. An acronym that should not exist. I really don't wanna know how she broke that hip. Especially if it involves getting beads at Mardi Gras.
Joke in Question: 'Steered Straight' is supposed to be about scaring kids from pursuing a life in crime. Yeah.
Drake and Josh is so full of naughty innuendo between it's two leads, that it's hard to believe that the name of this program has absolutely no other meaning than the one presented. But these boys definitely love boobs. Even if they are attached to a man.
What are some other jokes I missed? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below! in the comments!
If you’re anything like me, you’ve blocked out the vast majority of your childhood memories. The memories you’ve kept, however, probably all have something to do with either receiving or playing with a sick-ass toy. Not only did the sick-ass toys of our youths keep us from interrupting mom during Margarita Mondays with the gals, they taught us a few things about life– valuable lessons that the selfish little twerps of today could surely use. Straight up, these 90’s toys need to be brought back from the dead ASAP. (And not just so I can unload all these slammers that have been stashed in my closet for the past 15 years.)
POGs were the playground’s great equalizer; after all, you didn't need to be rich in order to afford cardboard circles plastered with images of sharks on surfboards. Also, since POG battle winners got to keep the POGs involved in said battles, you could use your superior slamming skills to basically steal from your classmates. If you had the talent and the chutzpah, all you needed to invest in was a bomb-ass slammer and you were good to go.
Listen – kids today have it too damn easy. Doing homework on their iPads? Letting Roombas vacuum their floors? They’re gettin’ soft! They need to be taught a little somethin' about responsibility – they need Tamagotchis! (After all, if you didn’t clean up a Tamagotchi’s poop, it’d die...just like a non-digital baby!) Kids these days also need to be taught how horrific LCD screens were; maybe then they’d appreciate that iPod their parents gave them that they DIDN’T EVEN SAY THANK YOU FOR.
Hacky Sacks exist because The Dave Matthews Band exists. I don’t know why they fell out of favor – The Dave Matthews Band is still the most popular band in the world, right? Or have I just been too high for the past twelve years to notice otherwise? Marijuana's legal in multiple states, people! Bring back the hack!
Ah, Koosh. 'Cause if Rosie O'Donnell likes it, it's gotta be good! (The exceptions being Tom Cruise and calling grown-ass adults “cutie patootie.”) In the 90’s, there was nothing more fun than hitting your siblings in the face with a garishly colored hard rubber projectile. The constant threat of Koosh Balls being thrown at my head taught be there is no safe place. And what kid doesn’t need to learn that lesson?!?
Going to outer space is still a luxury afforded only to astronauts and rich weirdos like Richard Bronson – average Joes like you or I are never gonna make it to Deep Space Nine. Moon Shoes, however, replicated the Moonwalk experience by making a kid’s steps, like, super bouncy. And when they were cross-branded with Nickelodeon? GET OUTTA TOWN! They were unstoppable! (At least, until the rubber bands on ‘em broke.)
Hey, America! Wanna nip that whole "childhood obesity epidemic" in the bud? Get Michelle Obama to hop around on TV wearing one of these and BOOM, the Skip-It will once again be the greatest thing since sliced bread. (Which, incidentally, you should only eat in moderation.)
Ah, kids and ovens…a match made in heaven! I’d constantly try in vain to "creep out" my long-suffering mother with the neon-colored bugs that popped out of this glorified Easy-Bake Oven. The lesson I learned via Creepy Crawlers? My mom wasn’t a moron. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, KIDS? YOUR PARENTS AREN’T MORONS, OK?!?
Remember how insufferably long it took to fill up a Super Soaker? Let me know in the comments!
If you are going to Playlist Live this year, and are interested in meeting Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox, here's the schedule below for their signings/meetups. Stop by, say hello, and try not to get lost in Ian's crystal blue eyes or Anthony's crystal dark hair.
Check out the Smosh twitter for more updates, and don't forget to tweet your Smoshy Playlist adventures with the hashtag @smoshplaylist. We'll be retweeting all weekend!
Thanks and HAVE FUN!
3:00 pm – 5:00 pm
Meetup Table 6
1:00 pm – 3:00 pm
Meetup Table 5
Merch Booth – Stop by, grab a shirt or a poster, and say hi!
TWEET US! If you’re going to Playlist Live, tweet us your pics using #SmoshPlaylist… we’ll be retweeting all weekend!
Growing up to be a productive person is really hard. Like, really really hard. Teachers can tell you what to memorize, and parents can tell you what NOT to do, but if you have a specific dream, you probably could use a MENTOR. ACUVUE® has created the 1-DAY Contest featuring celebrity mentors like Demi Lovato, Joe Jonas, Dwight Howard & Shay Mitchell who will spend a day mentoring a teen and giving them the tools to get them one step closer to their 1-DAY dream!
It makes me feel jealous, since all the mentors I had in high school were English or Chemistry teachers - they weren't CELEBRITIES. Here are the celebrity mentors I'd want if I were a teen today.
Dwight Howard as my basketball mentor
It seems like a no-brainer to have Dwight Howard as your basketball mentor, and if being on your school's basketball team is important to you, then yeah, do what you can to secure Howard's guidance.
Will Smith as my dating mentor
If you've ever seen the found-footage documentrary Hitch, you know that Will Smith is the world's greatest dating coach. He got Kevin James a date. Have you seen Kevin James?
Morgan Freeman as my public speaking mentor
I have a hard time speaking in front of crowds, but I'd feel a lot better about it if I had Morgan Freeman's smooth, sultry voice. Although, I don't know if Morgan Freeman is able to teach me how to sound like him, but I have to TRY, don't I?
Bill Nye as my science mentor
If you ever watched his old show, you know how much Bill Nye loves dinosaurs. And while any science mentor you get will of course have the option to teach you about dinosaurs, no one is going to want to do it as much and as often as Bill Nye.
Clooney as your confidence mentor
Goddamn it Clooney is cool. If you need confidence, no one is better than Clooney, because he is so sure of himself that he somehow makes you feel more sure about yourself. It's a remarkable feeling, seeing Clooney and suddenly believing that, yeah, I could be that cool someday too.
Ewan McGregor as my regular-life, day-to-day mentor
Ewan McGregor played Obi Wan Kenobi, who is the greatest mentor of all time. Although, McGregor only played Obi-Wan when he was mentoring Anakin Skywalker, and that whole thing kind of turned into a bust. But listen, if you want to be mentored by Obi Wan Kenobi, you take what you can get.