Sometimes I feel like the last, decent Amurrcan who is still pissed about Universal Studios Stevie-nixing the Back to the Future ride. I mean I left some quality @danborrelli childhood in that thing and for them to demolish it so they can put up a Simpsons ride is like tearing down the Statue of Liberty to put up a McDonalds. Just leave it be! But all this got me thinking, what are some other movies that would make great amusement park rides? Well here’s ten.
10.) LORD OF THE RINGS
This has the potential to be the greatest ride in the history of rides. For the sake of this movie, and the rest of the list, we’ll ignore who owns the property rights and just say that in any park, these will all be epic. What would be great about this ride is it would be the first time the line was a real integral part of the experience. I mean think about it! All this movie was was waiting in line. We watched two digitally shrunken actors walk across their universe. We, as the audience, can take that same walk as we meet Gollum, find talking trees, and watch Sean Bean die. And when we get to the actual rollercoaster, we’re flown by Gandolf’s magic Falcon buddy all around the battle of Mordor as we try and destroy the ring. Who WOULDN’T ride this thing!?
9.) TOP GUN
Come on, how is this not a thing? This movie was MADE for a theme park ride! A large, thrilling, exciting, beach volleyball coaster of awesome! We could fly around shirtless dudes playing beach volleyball in a motorcycle while blasting Danger Zone. It would be epic!
8.) THE LAND BEFORE TIME
Dinosaurs. F*cking dinosaurs! And not like Jurassic Park where they’re real and scary and the whole thing is creepily self-aware. This would have to be a simulation ride where we hang out with Big Foot and friends as we try to avoid extinction. It would be exciting, and educational. Plus the tar pits provide like 30 nostalgia points alone. Who WOULDN’T line up around the block to go on a ride designed after an esoteric early 90s kids movie!?
7.) STAR TREK
So there are a few lame ones around the world but come on; with the reboot of the franchise and a cast of the most movie star movie stars the world has ever seen, how is this not the pinnacle of theme park attractions? Hear me out, J.J. Abrams directs the RIDE. While you’re on it! Just imagine the lens flair while an uber type-A Hollywood director screams at you to “find the source of your character’s anger.” But if you think nothing could top this, you’re forgetting one thing…
6.) RAMBO
Let them draw first blood if it means we get to go on a thrill-ride fighting off a small town’s police force! The ride itself can be rickety and unstable, you know, as a metaphor for Rambo’s psychological state in a post-Vietnam Amurrca while he— You know what, I’m gonna do the rest of this list later. I have to go watch First Blood.
5.) FANTASTIC VOYAGE
Okay I’m back. Sorry, what the hell did I think this was? Some kind of a circus!? Anyway, Fantastic Voyage, the original Honey I shrunk Raquel Welch. This ride would be an incredible simulation ride as we travel through the human body. It would be education, and exciting. Plus, if we can hologram Tupac we might as well use our powers for good and bring back Raquel Welch. Seriously, google her, she won at genetics.
4.) BEACHES
It’s an emotional rollercoaster. Get it… Do you get it? Do you get i—
3.) JAMES BOND
There was an attraction once, and now it’s gone. But as the opening ceremony of the Olympics proved, it’s certainly not a forgotten film franchise. Think about it, it’s a three tiered roller coaster. First we’re on land, in a car, zipping around turns and dodging bullets. Then we move onto the water and the coaster literally turns into a speed boat as we zip around turns and dodge bullets. Then we’re LAUNCHED into the air as we fly over the entire park zipping around turns and dodging bullets. Finally, we’re forced to parachute out and gracefully land right in the gift shop.
2.) SPEED
Awesome movie, better ride. They had one in Vegas but that doesn’t count because Vegas is where crystal meth goes to get fat and be sad. This could be a fantastic ride, however, in say a Disney Land. Because you could actually have a runaway bus. Sure it would be on a track, but it could have numerous routes taking the riders all around the park; every time with a different experience. You’d nearly crash into Pirates of the Caribbean one time, and almost take out Tomorrow Land the next. Also, another great albeit forced opportunity for a Raquel Welch hologram. You’re welcome Amurrca.
1.) SPACE JAM
It starts as a simulation ride, taking you back to Michael Jordan and the glory days of 90s basketball/cartoon hybrids. It takes us through the story as we let ourselves fall in love with the sport and Bill Murray’s sarcasm. Then we get LAUNCHED into outer space where we have to bring the game to the aliens with today’s basketball stars. We’re dunking with Lebron, hitting threes with Durant, getting in a brawl with Meta-world-peace-made-up-probably-has-a-serious-mental-problem. Did you know when Artest got drafted, he also tried work at a Circuit City and the NBA had to tell him that he couldn’t both work at Circuit City AND be an NBA superstar. Anyway, Space Jam would rock, and I’m glad it hasn’t been remade. But it would be fun to experience again in ride form.
What movies do you think would make awesome rides? Let me know by telling me on twitter @DanBorrelli or in the comments below
