If you’re anything like me, you’ve blocked out the vast majority of your childhood memories. The memories you’ve kept, however, probably all have something to do with either receiving or playing with a sick-ass toy. Not only did the sick-ass toys of our youths keep us from interrupting mom during Margarita Mondays with the gals, they taught us a few things about life– valuable lessons that the selfish little twerps of today could surely use. Straight up, these 90’s toys need to be brought back from the dead ASAP. (And not just so I can unload all these slammers that have been stashed in my closet for the past 15 years.)
POGs were the playground’s great equalizer; after all, you didn't need to be rich in order to afford cardboard circles plastered with images of sharks on surfboards. Also, since POG battle winners got to keep the POGs involved in said battles, you could use your superior slamming skills to basically steal from your classmates. If you had the talent and the chutzpah, all you needed to invest in was a bomb-ass slammer and you were good to go.
Listen – kids today have it too damn easy. Doing homework on their iPads? Letting Roombas vacuum their floors? They’re gettin’ soft! They need to be taught a little somethin' about responsibility – they need Tamagotchis! (After all, if you didn’t clean up a Tamagotchi’s poop, it’d die...just like a non-digital baby!) Kids these days also need to be taught how horrific LCD screens were; maybe then they’d appreciate that iPod their parents gave them that they DIDN’T EVEN SAY THANK YOU FOR.
Hacky Sacks exist because The Dave Matthews Band exists. I don’t know why they fell out of favor – The Dave Matthews Band is still the most popular band in the world, right? Or have I just been too high for the past twelve years to notice otherwise? Marijuana's legal in multiple states, people! Bring back the hack!
Ah, Koosh. 'Cause if Rosie O'Donnell likes it, it's gotta be good! (The exceptions being Tom Cruise and calling grown-ass adults “cutie patootie.”) In the 90’s, there was nothing more fun than hitting your siblings in the face with a garishly colored hard rubber projectile. The constant threat of Koosh Balls being thrown at my head taught be there is no safe place. And what kid doesn’t need to learn that lesson?!?
Going to outer space is still a luxury afforded only to astronauts and rich weirdos like Richard Bronson – average Joes like you or I are never gonna make it to Deep Space Nine. Moon Shoes, however, replicated the Moonwalk experience by making a kid’s steps, like, super bouncy. And when they were cross-branded with Nickelodeon? GET OUTTA TOWN! They were unstoppable! (At least, until the rubber bands on ‘em broke.)
Hey, America! Wanna nip that whole "childhood obesity epidemic" in the bud? Get Michelle Obama to hop around on TV wearing one of these and BOOM, the Skip-It will once again be the greatest thing since sliced bread. (Which, incidentally, you should only eat in moderation.)
Ah, kids and ovens…a match made in heaven! I’d constantly try in vain to "creep out" my long-suffering mother with the neon-colored bugs that popped out of this glorified Easy-Bake Oven. The lesson I learned via Creepy Crawlers? My mom wasn’t a moron. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, KIDS? YOUR PARENTS AREN’T MORONS, OK?!?
Remember how insufferably long it took to fill up a Super Soaker? Let me know in the comments!