A new Tomb Raider game is now out in stores, which can only mean one thing: mountains of sexual frustration for gamers everywhere! Now, I'm not saying that playing video games automatically means you don't get any action, just that a lot of people wish they could kiss Lara Croft and make her feel better. Don't worry, folks. If you ever get to meet her, I've got you covered. Here are the best ways to approach asking out Lara Croft:
Be Unrelentingly Confident
I'm talking SO CONFIDENT THAT YOU STRIKE TERROR INTO HER HEART. This will be difficult, as Lara is one of the most fearless and powerful women in the world. Your words must cause hair to sprout from your muscular chest; your eyes must literally never blink. Chicks dig it.
Fake A Horrible Injury
As strong-willed as Lara Croft is, she's got her soft side too. Maybe you can get her to pity you! Try going to one of the tombs she raids and fake an injury. Then you can trick her into nursing you back to health! Be warned, though- Lara cannot STAND being lied to. If you really want to get her digits, you should actually break your legs. Two birds, one stone: if she doesn't come and save you, you're already in a tomb. Convenient!
Challenge Her To Contests Of Strength And Agility
Lara Croft is a proud woman who can never turn down a challenge. She is also an Olympic-level athlete, which is more common than you'd think among archaeologists. One great way to win her heart is to spend ten to fifteen years becoming the world's greatest rope climber. If you can climb stone blocks and swing on ropes better than her, she will have no choice but to be your bride. The only thing she respects more than history is the right of the strong to conquer the weak.
Get Her Drunk
Let's be honest, this is probably what you'd try. But Lara Croft has too much willpower to consume alcohol, so that's not an option. What should you do instead? I recommend blow darts full of diluted poison. They should slow her down enough that she'd consider dating you, but not so much that she'd die!
Try To Become Her Friend First, Then Gradually Express Romantic Interest
Trust me, this one never, ever fails. It's your best bet. Women love it when you become friends with them and then surprise them by saying you wanted to be their boyfriends the whole time. Try doing it to Lara Croft! She'll be all like, "Wait, you didn't just want to be my friend? Everything you've done so far has been dishonest manipulation to make it hard for me to turn you down romantically? Awesome, let's date!"
Tell Her How You Really Feel And Invite Her To Something You Know She'd Like
Women hate this, so don't do it. Lie instead.
Are you a hyper-charismatic sex god/dess? Tell us in the comments, so we may worship you!