With “Snow White and the Huntsman,” “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters,” and now “Jack the Giant Slayer,” Hollywood has been telling more fairy tales than the Brothers Grimm trying to impress dates. But some magical tales are meant more for flu-inspired nightmares than the big screen. (Special Note: Count how many times someone is set on fire or killed by a box in the following stories. You’ll be unpleasantly surprised.)
The Plot: A little girl decides to visit Frau Trude against her parents’ wishes. On her way to Trude’s house she sees a coal miner, a hunter, a butcher, and maybe a barrista but probably not. She also sees the devil in Trude’s window. Trude reveals she’s really the devil but really, really a witch. Trude turns the little girl into a block of wood and tosses her into the fire. Girl burns. Witch finally wins in one of these tales.
How to Film It Anyway: Create a series of films letting the witch win every single time—she eats Hansel and Gretel, keeps Snow White’s heart in an Igloo cooler, and discovers that dousing her with water actually cures her diabetes and increases broom flight control.
The Plot: A woman wishes she could have a child. She then gives birth to a son, dies, and is buried under a juniper tree. Years later the father marries another woman who doesn’t like her stepson and so beheads him with a box lid. Stepmother then pins the crime on her daughter before burning the boy and serving him as stew to the father. Suddenly a bird flies out of the juniper tree and drops a grinding stone on the evil stepmom. She goes up in smoke and the boy magically reappears, head and all. Then everyone has dinner.
How to Film It Anyway: Turn the juniper tree into a whomping willow and have it go ape sh*t on the evil stepmom. Spend the remaining 86 minutes explaining why box lids were made with the same materials as guillotines.
The Plot: Woman interviews potential husbands in front of reporters. After each interview, woman tosses the candidate into the fire, thereby proving once again that people in the Middle Ages sure liked to watch visitors burn. Suddenly Blockhead Hans rides in on a goat carrying a dead crow, a wooden shoe, and mud, which he combines to make dinner. Then he throws mud at the reporters. The woman and Hans get married. The shoe is delicious.
How to Film It Anyway: Shoot as “The Bachelorette” finally made interesting. Last man not to be grey ash or a soot stain under a Duraflame log wins.
Boots Who Ate a Match with the Troll
The Plot: A boy challenges an ogre to an eating contest because entertainment options were severely limited back then. The boy cheats by dropping most of his food into a sack under the table. The ogre tries to keep up but says his stomach is too full. The boy tells the ogre to cut a hole in his stomach to let some of the food out so he can keep eating. The ogre does so. The ogre drops dead.
How to Film It Anyway: A 90-minute training song montage leading up to the big eating competition, complete with lyrics about taking things to the limit, triumphant guitar solo, and probably incessant vomiting. Then when ogre cuts open his own stomach the boy’s girlfriend falls out. They get married. The boy declines a slice of wedding cake.
The Boy Who Found Fear at Last
The Plot: Mom tell son that to be a man he must know fear. Boy then goes out in search of being scared senseless. Boy battles a zombie, gets strangled by a girl’s legs, and is almost drowned by a mermaid, but is never frightened. One day he enters a city only to find that the king has died. The city releases a pigeon to choose the new ruler and it lands on the boy. The boy becomes terrified that he would not be a good king, but pigeons keep landing and crapping on him. The boy now knows fear and so becomes incredibly wealthy and powerful.
How to Film It Anyway: Depending on the age of the boy character this can either be an exciting horror/adventure teen film or a terrifying warning about why you should never let toddlers out of your sight.
The Maiden with the Rose on Her Forehead
The Plot: A prince asks his sister to look after his garden while he goes off to fight. The sister falls asleep in the garden and wakes up pregnant. Girl is born with a rose sticking out of her forehead. Rather than pruning the girl, she secretly sends her away to a different school district. One day the girl gets hit in the head with a cherry pit. Mother takes this to mean she told people who she is and so she kills her daughter and locks her in a box. Prince’s wife later opens the box to find the dead girl sewing. Prince’s wife sets the girl on fire because, well, that part’s not really spelled out. Prince finds out and burns everyone and everything to the ground.
How to Film It Anyway: Umm…disregard entirely. Instead film “Three Little Pigs” with the pig from the Geico commercial. Movie ends with him filling out paperwork and splitting the life insurance on his two brothers with the wolf.
Would you watch any of these? Let us know in the comments!