For years, I would spend every morning weeping in bed for hours, desperately trying to come up with a single reason to get up. (Most of the time it was having to pee.) Though all my friends kept telling me, "Even though we don't exist we think you should get help," I knew there had to be something out there. Finally, I found them. The two greatest things a man can do with his life: make out with a girl, or capture every Pokemon. But I can only have one. Which should it be? Read on and find out!
Making out with a girl: To make out with a girl, you must first get one to like you. Per girl, this takes anywhere between a couple of hours and your entire life, depending on how likable you are. ("Likable" is a polite way of saying "attractive.")
Capturing every Pokemon:To capture every Pokemon, you must first make one weak enough to be caught in a Pokeball. Per Pokemon, this takes anywhere between seconds and hours, depending on rarity, capture rate, and in-game events. The problem? You need 649 out of 649 Pokemon, and only one out of 3.5 billion girls. WINNER: Girls.
Girls 1, Pokemon 0.
Feeling Of Accomplishment
Making out with a girl: Great. You feel like you've done everything you've ever wanted to do, except for several other things you now want to do but don't think you're allowed to.
Capturing every Pokemon:Perfect! Everything is done forever (until X and Y come out). WINNER: Pokemon.
Girls 1, Pokemon 1.
Making out with a girl: Finding a real cutie pie and lockin' lips with her can put butterflies in your stomach for DAYS! Kissing someone you're not attracted to just because you're lonely ain't bad either.
Capturing every Pokemon:After the hundreds of hours you've poured into five generations of games, there's no feeling on the planet quite like checking box number 649 out of 649. The only downside? You will quickly realize your life is empty. WINNER: Girls.
Girls 2, Pokemon 1.
What About If You DON'T Do It?
Making out with a girl: You are probably a perfectly normal person who just happens not to be attracted to women. If you ARE into girls, but never make out with one, you will feel real sad all the time because girls are nice and a lot of people kiss them so why not you?
Capturing every Pokemon: Most people will never capture every Pokemon and are okay with it. If that's really one of your goals in life, not completing it will probably eat away at you for awhile until you realize how big the world is. WINNER: Girls.
Girls 3, Pokemon 1.
Making out with a girl: A solid makeout sesh can lead to lots of things-- a relationship, stuff you should be learning from your parents instead of this website, and the feeling that you are not alone in this enormous, mean world. Stick around after the makeout! Sometimes girls like the fact that you're alive.
Capturing every Pokemon: Capturing every Pokemon leads to only one thing-- telling people that you captured every Pokemon. Video games are fun and all, but Pokemon can't love you back. Don't get too focused on them. You might miss out on every beautiful thing. WINNER: Girls.
Girls 4, Pokemon 1.
Go make out with someone, everybody! Feel warm and good! Tell us about it in the comments!