Why watch townsfolk, armies, even international coalitions try to defeat some hideous monster when you can easily defeat the creature with some common sense and tools you can find around your house?
What is it: The giant, carnivorous plant in “Little Shop of Horrors” that keeps demanding human sacrifices without growing even one damn tomato or strawberry in return.
How to defeat it: Kill it the same way anybody kills any other plant—by assuming someone else is watering and caring for it; Keep pruning it a little each day until all that’s left is a stem and the teeth that should have been a signal not to purchase this plant in the first place; Spray Ortho Weed Killer
What is it: The main villain of the “Child’s Play” movies, created when a serial killer transferred his soul into a copy of the real “My Buddy” dolls that were very popular in the 80’s and perhaps resulted in far more homicides then that toy’s commercials let on.
How to defeat it: Re-gift doll for some kid’s birthday party; Give to little brother who will almost immediately take off all its clothes, remove its head, and then lose it completely; Keep anything he could use as a weapon at least three feet above ground and then send the Roomba after him.
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
What is it: The 100-foot tall walking marshmallow shape the demon Gozer assumed in “Ghostbusters,” because M&M Guys hadn’t been created yet and the Trix Rabbit would have made his attack look like an Easter parade sponsored by illegal growth hormones.
How to defeat it: Have everyone start squishing and stretching his marshmallow feet until he either falls down or can’t pull himself apart from 100 New Yorkers; Give a bunch of little kids marshmallow shooters then point at Stay Puft and say, “There’s your ammo.”; Just wait until he gets stuck to two cars while walking down the busy New York City street, which will then inadvertently cause him to roller skate right into the Harlem River.
What is it: An evil little creature who stalked Jennifer Anniston in her first movie role and who wants to reclaim his stolen pot of gold, perhaps his bowl of cereal, and maybe his Smurf berries should the mythology get really fuzzy.
How to defeat it: Create a rainbow using cheap prisms that leads to a trap or at least a deep enough sinkhole; Elect him Grand Marshall of the St. Patrick’s Day parade and make sure the floats go far out of town; Lower his defenses with several rounds of Guinness and then give him his damn gold already.
What is it: A giant, fire-breathing creature that initially was a metaphor for the horrors of nuclear war, then a hero who fought other huge monsters, then finally a bumbling rubber lizard who had a thing for chasing green-screened Japanese people and tripping over power lines made possible by a Erector Set add-ons.
How to defeat it: Lead Godzilla to your city’s most reflective skyscraper so he will spend all his time getting into a fight with his own mirror image; Construct a large, rolled-up newspaper out of previous papers and whack him on the head every time he does something wrong until he learns; Install a lot more power lines
What is it: The undead who either move slowly (“The Night of the Living Dead”) run quickly (“28 Days Later”) or start to feel love again (“Warm Bodies”), usually while trapping you inside a house, mall or maybe poorly chosen Redbox machine.
How to defeat them: Unless you find the cause quickly (“Everybody! Stop eating McDonald’s Fish McNuggets!”) and nip it in the bud, you can’t really defeat several million zombies easily. Your best bet is to simply find a group of people you like enough to hide out with for weeks on end but don’t like so much that you’ll be heartbroken when they’re picked off one by one. Also, bring a deck of cards, first for poker and then eventually for solitaire.
How easily defeated are you? Let us know about it in the comments!