In between jobs, school, and — ugh — relationships, it's getting hard to find time to play video games. And this is a problem because video games are the best. Well, as they say, when the going gets tough the tough get going, so I've decided to MAKE time in my life for video games in the following ways:
There's an extra eight extra hours a day to play video games if you just stop sleeping. The only drawback to sleep deprivation is that your brain will essentially fracture — suddenly, you'll begin to laugh uproariously at things that make no sense, hallucinate, and see colors where there were none before. But that's not necessarily a bad thing — going mad from sleep deprivation may be the only way to make Assassin's Creed III interesting.
Get your grandma to pay your rent for you
If you didn't have to go to work, like, every day, you would have a lot more time to play games. So if you convince Grandma to pay your rent, you can IMMEDIATELY quit that job. Don't even worry about giving two weeks' notice. No employer expects you to honor your two weeks notice when the new Bioshock is about to come out.
Get rid of your cell phone
Who are all these terrible people that are CALLING me when I'm trying to play video games? Sure, social interaction is important, but if you feel like you REALLY need to talk to someone, you can always call someone on Codec while you play Metal Gear Solid.
Plug into your neighbor's power
If there's one thing that can REALLY get in the way of your gaming time, it's the power company's selfish desire to shut off your electricity for not paying the bill. So hey, why not run an extension cord out of your place and into your neighbor's outside outlet? Also, since it's about to get real, REAL cold in your house while you finally finish Mass Effect, see if he has any blankets he can spare. See if he has any blankets he can't spare. Steal all the blankets you can find. NEVER STOP STEALING BLANKETS.
Find ways to drink more of your foods
One of the biggest time-killers when it comes to playing video games is eating. All that time spent cooking could EASILY be spent getting the Platinum in Fallout 3. So here's what you do — make your food as liquid as possible so it can be sucked through a straw while you play! You were going to dip those chicken tenders in barbecue sauce anyhow, weren't you? Why not mash them up and MIX them with the barbecue sauce, thereby making a sort of chicken tender soup? I know that sounds disgusting, but honestly, it only tastes like pure sodium and lemon rind for the first few months.
If you can find the ancient statue of Rag'na'rokk, you become the source of all in the universe. Then, when you are eternal, never-ending, the Alpha and the Omega, the culmination of all that is, was, and ever will be, you'll have plenty of time for the new Tomb Raider.
How do you force video games into your increasingly busy schedule? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!