Almost anyone who’s ever watched a “Star Wars” movie has thought, “Gee, I wish I had a lightsaber.” “Gee, I wish I had a robot sidekick.” “Gee, I wish I could wield the Force and protect the galaxy from ever seeing ‘Attack of the Clones.’” But what if all the “Star Wars” gadgets—numerous technical flaws included—really did exist? How would society change thanks to limb-severing glow sticks and driving a Harley mid-air through a crowded forest?
Every disagreement would end in elegant dismemberment
Given how quick people are to react violently in a bar, at their kid’s soccer game, or even while getting their kid an ice cream cone only for them to think some elderly grandfather looked at them funny, it would take almost nothing for people to whip out a lightsaber, especially since it leaves no incriminating blood or shell casings and automatically cauterizes the wound. Within a week everybody would be reaching for their eating utensils with prosthetic claws.
Every battle would be a tactical fiasco
Whether attacking an ice base with slow-moving, unbalanced mechanical elephants (with defenseless necks), failing to shoot straight ever (even when a phaser is pressed against someone’s temple), or using the same plan twice (once when building contractors clearly did not show up every day to work), the Empire’s incompetent warfare strategies and inept technology would cause any nation to switch their manufacturing industry to making white flags and are obviously the real reasons Darth Vader always sighed like he did.
Everybody would wind up as somebody else’s trophy
Everybody has a grudge. And often those grudges can get the best of us, festering over time until you just want to exact the best revenge possible on someone. Now imagine if you were told that you could freeze that person (or people, should you opt for the group discount) and place them in your living room forever, allowing you to taunt them every day while pointing at the carbonite block as a warning whenever anyone else starts to tick you off just a little. Then imagine how long it would be before everybody is trying to throw everybody else into carbonite freezing chambers, until we’re all just wall mounts waiting for rescues that now can never come.
Everything would end in a fiery crash
Much like if jetpacks had become cheap and plentiful 85% of the world’s population would have died in mid-air collisions, so, too, would using almost any means of “Star Wars” transportation end in a deadly explosion. That’s because although they look fantastic, most of the assorted ships and whatnot have the practicality of a Razor attached to a jet engine. Hence why it seems like Speeder Bikes are sold specifically to drive into redwood trees and every time Han uses hyperspace in the Millennium Falcon he winds up smack in the middle of asteroids or planet shards.
Every robot conversation would be a mind-numbing ordeal
Who wouldn’t want a robot sidekick to call their own? Especially a “protocol droid” that is fluent in “over six million forms of communication” and was specifically designed to serve humans? But then you would find out that protocol droids apparently never shut the hell up. And that all they can talk about is how you’re “doomed” or how it “knew this was a bad idea” when not having a complete nervous breakdown like an 90-year-old women confronted with a tiny breeze. Add to the fact that all the other non-agitated droids require a protocol droid for you to even understand their clicks and beeps and you have a situation in which almost every robot would “accidentally” be run over by their owner’s car six or seven times.
Everything would be recalled
When the most advanced weapon in the galaxy—clearly the product of years of research, huge financial investments, and the chutzpah to suggest “planet, but with a gun”—is designed so that its exhaust port leads directly to its main reactor, triggering a self-destruct mechanism that would never be necessary outside of an elaborate April Fool’s joke, one can only assume that no one in the “Star Wars” tech industry has ever heard of beta tests, product inspectors, or saying “Let’s go over this one more time” before okaying the manufacturing process.
What would you do if you had an AT AT? Let us know in the comments below!
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