I bought a Wii U on launch day, but not because I wanted it to play games. No, I wanted to put that sh*t on eBay and turn a profit. And guess how well that worked? Nintendo ended up selling, like, 45 Wii Us over the holiday season, so of course no one wanted to buy mine for double the price. So I have two questions: 1) I made two trips to Gamestop — one to buy the Wii U and one to return it — so who do I write to at Nintendo to get that reimbursed, and 2) Why is there so little interest in the Wii U? My guess is its lack of games — a new New Super Mario Bros. is not enough to sell a system. So here are the games that, if released by Nintendo, would get me to buy a Wii U. Again.
Metroid Prime 4
Metroid Prime is one of the best Nintendo franchises, because it gave you tangible rewards for exploring your surroundings. Whenever you found a missile expansion or energy tank in Metroid Prime, it mattered. A lot of games hide trinkets around the world to inspire you to explore, but too often the reward is concept art, a worse rendering of something you've already seen. That's like opening a birthday card from your grandma and finding a carbon copy of the check she gave you last year.
Donkey Kong Country Returns Some More
Granted, we got Donkey Kong Country Returns last year, but it was so great I would honest to God trade my dog to get a new Donkey Kong Country every year. That's right Nintendo, you do whatever you want with Cookie, who I love very much and is very cute. She's a good dog but I've had my time with her, and I will send her to you to send to the afterlife if that is what you demand.
Resident Evil 2 Remake
The Gamecube launched with a Resident Evil 1 remake, so why follow suit for the Wii U? It only makes sense! It makes sense strategically. It makes sense economically. And it makes sense emotionally. IT MAKES EVERY KIND OF SENSE. And I say this, sure, as a guy who loves Resident Evil 2 more than anything in the world, sure as a guy who can set the world record for a Claire A speed run, and sure as someone who literally created a petition to urge the White House to pressure Capcom into remaking Resident Evil 2, but I don't think that makes me biased or anything.
A grown-up Legend of Zelda
All right, I get it Nintendo. You like little cartoon baby Zeldas. That's fine. My baby brother needs video games too. But make me a Zelda I can sink my teeth into, okay?
Super Smash Bros. Online
It is time for Smash Bros. to get online already. And not in the super laggy, broken way Super Smash Bros. Brawl was. Listen Nintendo, I'm not in high school anymore, all right? I don't have friends who can come over. I don't have friends who want to sit on my couch. I don't have friends who exist.
Star Fox Wii U
BOY OH BOY is it ever time for a new Star Fox game. Did you know we haven't had a console Star Fox since Star Fox 64? I know, there were some Gamecube iterations of the series, but Star Fox Adventures was so bad it actually canceled out Star Fox Assault. The Gamecube Star Fox games were like having a Mafia boss break your leg but then kissing it to make it all better.
SOMETHING ORIGINAL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
Holy Christ everything on this list is a sequel! What was the last new series Nintendo started? Pikmin? Was it Pikmin? And I barely even remember Pikmin! You could tell me Pikmin was all a fever dream and I would believe you. Although, I would believe you if you told me anything I remember was a fever dream. I've been having a lot of fever dreams since I ate all those plants in the desert.
What games would convince you to buy the Wii U? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!