Today you might very well get a speeding ticket and later realize your vote didn't really matter in the last presidential election. It's easy to feel powerless in this world. We're at the mercy of forces which we cannot control. But there's one place where we hold all the power—Chipotle Mexican Grill. At Chipotle, you hold the power, and you can get as much food in your burrito as you want, as long as you know how to do it. How do you do it? Here's how you do it!
Look tired and hollow as you order
If the Chipotle employees think you're starving, they're more likely to give you bigger scoops. But remember, simply sucking in your cheeks will be fine—you don't have to go all the way like my dad did and actually get addicted to heroin.
Order in Spanish
If you speak Spanish like you're just learning it, the employees of Chipotle will think you're trying to connect with them. They'll think of you as a little puppy who they can help along, and besides, people like it when you try to understand their world. Granted, this act of making them feel sorry for you gives up a lot of your power, which was sort of the point of all this, but if you get through this one indignity, you'll have more food than you could have ever dreamed of! You'll have meat for miles, enough tortillas to use for blankets! You could probably furnish your house with Chipotle, and I don't even know what that means.
Time your indeciveness
Order chicken. As they scoop chicken, change your mind to barbacoa. As they scoop barbacoa, change your mind back to chicken. If you do it right, you'll get six or seven servings worth of meat on your burrito before they hit a combo breaker and kick you out of the restaurant.
Don't underestiate the power of your own sexuality when you're at Chipotle. If an employee there likes you and thinks you like them, they're likely to scoop some extra food onto your burrito. You don't have to actually like them. In fact, you almost certainly won't. No one who has ever worked at Chipotle is capable of being loved.
Demand extra everything
Most humans are inherently weak. If you demand something of them nine times out of ten they'll cave. "Extra hot sauce. More. More." It is not polite to take grasp their face in your palm and say "I knew I would break you" as they ladle, though.
Ask for extra lettuce
Don't want Chipotle giving you the stink eye on your next visit? Ask for extra lettuce at the end. In the employee's mind, no one who is trying to game for food is going to ask for extra lettuce. You must legitimately like this food, these choices you've made. I mean, you'll have to go home and cut open your burrito to get all that sh*tty lettuce out, but what do you care? You weren't going to be able to eat that burrito whole anyway—it was always destined to be a bowl. Don't pretend you didn't know this. You had to know it. You had to have always known it.
Have youir burrito double wrapped
If your burrito is too full—and if you've been following this list's advice, it should be—your burrito will probably pop while it's being wrapped. The'll ask if you want another tortilla, which of course you do. If your burrito for some reason doesn't pop open, though, you're going to have to reach around the glass and dig your finger right into it. Listen, no one's happy with this solution, but sometimes, to get what's yours, you have get your hands, or even more disgustingly, one of your fingers, dirty.
What do you get (in excessive amounts) on your Chipotle? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!