I've been playing video games my whole life and I've never done ANYTHING violent. Honestly, not a SINGLE violent thing, even when violence was CLEARLY warranted. For example, there was the time that guy in a bar broke a beer bottle over my head, or the time I went to war. But I could be an edge case — while I certainly put in my time on Super Nintendo, I also stayed away from a lot of the more potent violence triggers in American society. Here are 7 things that make people WAY more violent than video games ever could.
Your next door neighbor whose dog barks all the time
I swear to God if those dogs don't stop distracting me from playing Halo I'm going to go over there and perform a RUNNING RIOT.
("RUNNING RIOT" is what I call it when I have a reasonable discussion with someone who I feel is being inconsiderate)
The cancelation of science fiction shows before they reach their conclusions
I was as surprised as anyone to learn that the early cancelation of Firefly made George W. Bush so angry he started one of the most violent acts of our time, the Iraq war.
Sensationalist magazine headlines
No America is NOT turning European, The Economist! Simply delaying the admittedly overdue revenue increases and tax code adjustments does NOT mean America is likely to face an debt-crisis like the one currently endangering Europe since their switch to a single currency! DUH. UGH, this makes me so angry I've gotta go play some Devil May Cry to cool down!
Rock n' roll music
Today, over 60 years since the United States senate went after rock and roll music for subverting the youth of our nation and dragging them down to new levels of moral depravity, we can look back and say, yes, they were pretty much right. WAY more people have been punched in the face during rock concerts than at Super Smash Bros. tournaments.
LEGOS! LEGOS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!
GODDAMN IT I SOMEHOW STEPPED ON EVERY SINGLE ONE. LEGOS ARE SO SHARP! WHO DESIGNED THESE THINGS? A RAZOR BLADE COMPANY? THE DEVIL?!
People who haven't decided what they're going to get at Chipotle by the time they get to the front of the line
What were these people doing their entire time in the Chipotle line? Thinking about outer space and sticking their finger up their butt? If you get up to the front of the line at Chipotle and utter even a single "umm", know that I will be killing you and wearing your skin as a beach towel.
Your iTunes library
Why do all these songs sound the same? What are these thousands of untitled tracks at the bottom here? How did I end up with so goddamn many Magnetic Fields songs on here? JESUS F*CK I AM DELETING ALL OF THIS GARBAGE AND PUTTING SOME CATS IN THE MICROWAVE.
Whoa, got a little carried away there. But check it out, my sixteen daily hours of Call of Duty has never made me so angry I threatened to put cats in a microwave! Although, I don't remember getting this angry BEFORE I started playing Call of Duty fourteen hours a day. Ha ha, anyhow, video games are harmless!
What makes you more violent than video games? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!