Call me un-American, but I'm just not that into watching sweaty men hug. UFC is still a super big deal, though, because other people are American I guess. I say we devote as many resources as possible to making the substantially awesomer Super Smash Bros our new national Fight Sport. Why? Read on...
Powerups Are Legal
First of all, SSB has mushrooms, flowers, bunny ears, stars, metal cubes, and spicy curry, just to name a few. UFC? Steroids. That's it. Do steroids turn you into a twenty foot tall demigod? No, they turn you into a sad person overcompensating for insecurity. And does the UFC allow even the tiny power boost that comes from using steroids? Well, probably, but they say they don't, so I have to give the edge to SSB here.
Most Fighters Are Fully Clothed
Fact: there's no rule anywhere saying that you have to wear nothing but silk underwear to fight in the UFC. (Fact #2: I did not research the first fact.) I get it, UFC dudes, you want us to know how sick your abs are. Now put them away and upload pictures you took of yourself in the mirror like everybody else. Super Smash Bros, ever the source of class and decency, at least insists that all of its human characters wear actual clothing. Except for Mr. Game and Watch. That guy's a perv.
No Douchey Spinoff Brand!
Just look at that freaking logo. I'm pretty sure it was designed so that people would want to punch anyone wearing it. Tapout shirts: telling the world "COME AT ME BRO" so you don't have to.
SSB Characters Can't Die (And Leave You An Emotional Wreck)
You punks are too young to know who Joe Frazier was, but anyone who knows anything about boxing had to hang up their gloves and weep for a few days when he died in 2011. The guy beat Muhammad Ali! He was the greatest workhorse underdog there ever was!... great, now I'm tearing up. Anyway, no matter how many times you walk Link off a cliff, he'll always show back up in the character select screen. Unlike Smokin' Joe. I need to call my dad.
Kirby: Thief of Power, Destroyer of Worlds
No UFC fighter could ever hope to defeat Kirby. Wanna kick him? He'll turn into a rock and shatter your foot. Try a grapple? Nope! If you get too close he'll unhinge his monstrous jaws and swallow you whole. Then, after the nightmare of passing through his adorable pink digestive system, Kirby will add insult to injury by beating you with your best move. Don't let the cute looks fool you. Kirby is God's punishment on mankind.
Unlimited Replays
If you screw up in Super Smash Bros, no worries! Hit restart and try again. If you screw up in the UFC, you will die of a painkiller overdose at 34.
Have you sustained numerous head injuries? Let us know in the comments!
