Since BIRTH, we've been told that Mario is the good guy. The HERO. But have you ever even questioned that assumption? Or were you too busy being a SHEEPLE, using your iPHONE and VOTING FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA? Because as it turns out, Mario is actually one of history's great villains. Don't believe me? Well let me open your eyes to the TRUTH!
He throws parties where people fight to the death
You know what we call people who invite their best friends over to play games where they can literally roll a ball off a cliff to their doom? Murderers. Those kinds of people are called murderers. And they are just the worst. The only difference between Mario and the Jigsaw killer is that the Jigsaw killer wouldn't be caught dead dressing up like a goddamn bumblebee.
Captured Donkey Kong
Would you call someone who abducted and imprisoned your father a good guy? Of course not. Unless the guy who abducted and imprisoned your father was a sheriff and your father was, like, CLEARLY guilty. Then you would be the villain for climbing vines to save him and also eating fruit to get points for some reason.
Lied about being a doctor
Yeah, like a plumber from BROOKLYN really went to MEDICAL SCHOOL. How many people do you think Mario has killed with his fake medical opinion? "Hmm, tuberculosis can be tricky. My advice? Eat a leaf and fly into the clouds."
He shoots FIRE out of his HANDS
So, when Mario finds certain types of flowers, he gains a psionic ability to create fire, and he uses it to burn smiling turtles to death? What could be more villainous than that? Mario, this isn't kill-or-be-killed, okay? You're not in the Hunger Games.
I mean, I get that if Mario touches them, he dies. But that's the same thing that happens to me if I put a fork in an electrical socket, and you don't see me burning down every restaurant or power plant I run across.
He punches Yoshi in the back of the head to activate his tongue
Next time you have a Yoshi in Super Mario World, watch closely when you press the Y button. You're going to notice that Yoshi doesn't just stick out his tongue himself. No, Mario PUNCHES that poor baby dinosaur in the back of the skull. The only thing non-villains punch are hungry bears and racists. And if you punch a racist bear? Well, how do you think Barack Obama got to be president?
What villainous things have YOU witnessed Mario do? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!