Should the zombie apocalypse actually happen—either because of a meteor or the flu shot—here are a few places that despite all their amenities and/or advantages will only prove to be the perfect place to run and hide if you want to be defeated and devoured within a week…
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Plenty of supplies including sporting goods/weapons and all the donuts you can eat; Lots to do during long stretches of inaction, especially if you like watching off-the-air test patterns on several flatscreens at once; Contains what will prove to be not only the latest but also the last in fashion.
Why It Isn’t: Far too many entrances means you can wield all the lacrosse sticks and cinnamon twists you want but like a “Black Friday" for bargain-priced brains, zombies are going to rush in through somewhere eventually; As is the case with any trip to the mall—especially if you’re wandering around with your parents—after about six hours you’ll just want to kill yourself instead; Because of crushing boredom sooner or later everyone—and I mean EVERYONE—will find themselves fighting off an attack while wearing prom dresses, UGG boots, and an embarrassing number of tacky rings from Kay Jewelers.
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Middle of nowhere seems like an unlikely destination for zombies, unless they charter a bus; Flat terrain lets you scan for zombies for miles…and hours since that’s all there is to do besides actual farm work; Plenty of livestock will let you stage your own production of “Animal Farm" when boredom finally drives you to brink of insanity.
Why It Isn’t: Unlike marathon runners, zombies rarely “hit a wall," so they can keep going for hundreds of miles until they reach the farm and you realize you’re a long way from help; Farmland may also include tall crops for zombies to sneak through with complete disregard for corn maze walls; Smell of livestock will attract lumbering hordes who won’t care that you already gave the animals roles, costumes, and several hours of intense rehearsals and stage blocking.
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Plenty of distance from street-level where zombies tend to attack or sit on the stoop, talking about brains; Rooftop lets you attract attention of passing helicopters, military jets, or maybe those huge helpful birds from “The Hobbit"; Perfect hideout for those who suffer from claustrophobia or like to look up at the stars and pray for a UFO abduction.
Why It Isn’t: Unless Amazon.com decides to keep fighting the good fight, street level is your only option for getting supplies, food, and books about surviving zombie attacks; Rooftop means if zombies do in fact reach you, you’re only option is to stand on top of a fruit crate to buy yourself another half-second of safety; Worst hideout for those who don’t realize that eventually it will rain or hail or that UFOs usually abduct rural folk instead.
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Single entrance point means people can take turns guarding or just place the most hated individual on duty 24/7; After watching several seasons of “Doomsday Preppers" you’ll have made sure to stock up on everything you could ever need, including another board game besides “Monopoly" so your family doesn’t spend its remaining days screaming at each other; Since zombies tend to want to get the hell out of graves there is less a chance that they will dig through the earth to find you.
Why It Isn’t: Single entrance also means single exit when zombies break in and refuse to politely get out of your way when you wish to leave; You can only play “Trivial Pursuit" for so long until either everyone memorizes all the answers or you realize you are trapped with the world’s most astounding collection of idiots; Even a zombie can hear two siblings screaming “You started it!" at each other through the dirt and then get a shovel.
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Being on a small island is like being surrounded by the world’s largest moat and the only way zombies can get across is knowing the secret password—“Boat operating instructions"; You probably won’t have to deal with strangers suddenly showing up and questioning if that Napoleon hat you made out of newspaper really means that you’re in charge; A tropical island will probably be a nice change of pace from a suburban area now covered in blood and partially-digested neighbors.
Why It Isn’t: Zombies don’t need a boat to get you. They can just keep walking, or floating, or just wait until you’ve had it up to f***ing here with coconuts and go back to mainland for any leftover pizza; Without any new people showing up you’re just going to date and eventually hate everyone in your group; A small island is also what served as the plot device for “Lord of the Flies," so don’t expect everyone to just lie around and tan.
Just Stand Your Ground and Fight
Why It May Seem Like a Good Idea: According to every single zombie movie ever made, it’s going to come down to this anyway.
Why It Isn’t: Unless you’re screaming, “Now who was insane for buying all those homemade axes, explosives, and headgear on Etsy!" it’ll only be a matter of minutes before you’re being gnawed on like a Fruit Roll-up.
What do you think is a good place to hide from zombies? Let us know in the comments!