Failed exams. Sick pets. Neighborhood murders. We have enough hardship in our lives; why seek it out in the form of entertainment? When I watch a movie, I just want to eat my popcorn, laugh at silly people, and pick stray popcorn out of my shirt folds. If you, like me, hate any kind of discord in film, be warned! Here are some movies you should stay away from if you don’t want to cry.
Les Miserables
I bet a lot of you guys saw Les Miz. Really sad, right? Wolverine dies, Ann Hathaway gets her teeth pulled out, and there are just so many violin motifs. It’s like every time you hear the “da na na na da na na na” of the violins (you know the one), the tears know they’re supposed to happen. I guess that’s what you get for paying to see a movie called The Miserables.
Titanic
There was no reason for Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet not to end up together. The writers just wanted to make sure that if seeing hundreds of people freeze to death in the icy waters of the Northern Atlantic wasn’t enough, you would be devastated for two hot people who made love in an old-timey car.
Charlotte’s Web (1973 Animated Version)
We're told we can have it all: loyal pets, stable relationships, a spider-free household… But when Fern starts dating that boy, she totally ditches Wilbur, reminding us that even our true friends are eventually going to get married and forget about us. Thank God the spider was still around! “I think we all know who the real pig in that story is,” she said over brunch.
Toy Story 3
I saw Toy Story 3 for nostalgia purposes (what a great franchise that affected me when I was young! I am now mature!), thank you very much. But when those toys held hands and began willfully marching to their death, I freaking lost it. Jeez, Pixar, where did THAT come from? No one signed up for such emotions!
The Notebook
Yeah, yeah, I’m a girl and this is a sappy movie, but I dare you not to cry at the above scene/montage/cheesy rock music. They’re young and then they’re old and then they’re young and they’re fighting but he’s going to take care of her forever and it’s Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams!
Les Miserables
This one deserved a second paragraph because, okay, maybe you’re a fan of the show, but WHAT WAS RUSSELL CROWE DOING? I’M SO HAPPY TO HAVE A PUBLIC PLATFORM TO EXPRESS MY RESENTMENT AT THIS CASTING DECISION. THE MAN CAN’T SING. I WAS SO UPSET. By the ending reprise of “One Day More” I was sobbing uncontrollably… over the fact that this was our one shot at a decent Les Miz movie, and it was ruined by that guy in high school chorus who never gets picked to solo. I did a YouTube search for Russell Crowe’s big solo, “Stars,” and shock of all shocks, the Les Mis account was keeping a tight lid on that one. So, fine, note who’s NOT featured in the above video.
What other movies do you recommend people stay away from if they don’t want to cry? Let us know in the comments!
