Listen – just ‘cause a corporation is huge, faceless and solely profit-driven doesn’t mean it can’t have a sense of humor. These corporate Twitter accounts make capitalism...FUN! And when I have FUN, I forget about the fact that I don’t have HEALTH INSURANCE! Do products and/or services make you LOL? If so, follow these blithe businesses ASAP!
As one would probably expect from a company that specializes in manufacturing products to wipe your ass with, Charmin’s Twitter feed is filled to the toilet rim with jokes about, uh, taking a dump. According to their bio, "We all go to the bathroom. Those who go with Charmin really enjoy the go!" (As a Charmin aficionado, I must say I concur with this statement.) Example tweets include “#thatawkwardmoment you make eye contact leaving the restroom. #mybad #therewasnoFebreze #tweetfromtheseat” and "It's the first #2 of the year. Make it a good one."
Ah, Skittles. Who knew the colorful candies were so damn...out there? With tweets like, "Ever been to a 4D movie? It’s awesome, it goes back in time and becomes a play," Skittles’ feed is a tribute to absurdist humor. I mean, they just told a dude who tweeted at them that they were gonna buy him a cumulonimbus cloud! These guys are nuts, I tell you! NUTS!
Taco Bell’s Twitter account is smugly humorous – perhaps a bit too smug, considering that the gout merchant doesn’t sell anything over $0.89. Regardless, these dudes know how to use hashtags. Example tweets include "#ThingsILikeToDo Eat Taco Bell," "#YouGainMajorPointsIf you bring me Taco Bell. Right now." and "#MyPerfectDate includes Taco Bell."
McDonald's Twitter isn’t intentionally funny. Its humor lies in the fact that it’s stupid, tedious and devoid of personality. All day, every day, the braintrust over at Mickey D’s “social media” HQ tweets drivel like "Have you created your New Year's resolutions yet?" and "Good taste doesn't have to cost a lot. RT if you plan to enjoy our Dollar Menu this week!" The funniest parts, though, are people's responses to McDonald’s tweets. One dude recently tweeted, "Somewhere Jesus is crying" in response to a nondescript tweet about the McRib. And, quoth Larry the Cable Guy, “that’s funny right there – I don’t care who you are.”
Cheesy and dumb, Hardee’s Twtitter account routinely spits out happy birthday messages to celebrities of varying levels of fame (examples include "#HappyBirthday to the grooviest evil mini clone we know, @VerneTroyer #YaBabyYa" and "#HappyBirthday to a real American Gangster, Denzel Washington!"). At 16,098 followers, it (inexplicably) has a pretty pathetic fanbase compared to other corporate accounts...maybe if it started tweeting at dead D-list celebrities, more people would jump on board.
The sauce and dough dealers are hilariously needy – about twenty times a day, they ask followers for a RT if they, y'know, like pizza (example: "RT if you LOVE PIZZA."). They constantly ask questions and make statements about cheese, too (example: "With all that cheese, why not RT?"). Yeah...they’re pretty cheesy. (Sorry.)
In sharp contrast to businesses like McDonald’s, Old Spice’s Twitter account has a pretty dry sense of humor. It does a good job of promoting the brand’s products in a self-aware, non-annoying fashion (examples: "Many ppl would say that a real boom box is better than a gift set that looks like 1. But those ppl are ungrateful jerks" and "If u want to give an aquarium full of sharks as a gift but are having a hard time wrapping that, consider this gift set"). It makes sense that their sense of humor would be dry, though, what with them being a deodorant brand and all. (Again, sorry. I’ll show myself out.)
Applebee’s doesn’t just make inedible food – it also makes its own own hilariously stupid Twitter hashtags, like "#NewYearsWithTheBees" and "#ApplebeesPlaylist." When they aren’t saying things like "Hear that? It's the dinner bell. Who's hungry?" and "Oh I just wanna show you off to my friends, making them drool down their chiney [sic] chin chins #KissYou," they’re asking if their followers are "getting hungry.” If they ARE hungry, hopefully they have something other than Applebee’s to eat.
If I paid you, like, $50, would you eat at Applebee’s? Probably not, right? Let me know in the comments!