There was a time when I was just like you: I watched parkour videos on YouTube, thought, "dang, those guys are cool," then ate a bath tub full of Cheetos while staring at nothing in particular. That time is dead and gone. I am now a thin, wiry parkour expert, here to share with you the many ways parkour has made my daily life a breeze. Crack open a Cheeto tub and let's get rollin'!
Breakfast: The Most Radical Meal Of The Day
Most people crawl out of bed in the morning feeling like a pile of wet laundry, then take 15 minutes finding the correct balance of milk to cereal. Not this guy. I start my day by backflipping out of the hammock I sleep in onto my kitchen counter. Then I start kicking wildly while doing some kinda weird dance thing, when voila! 30 seconds later, I have made a perfect Denver omelette with my feet. I eat it while doing a handstand.
Sitting In Traffic Is For Suckers
What kind of loser drives to work? I parkour there, jumping from rooftop to telephone line to moving truck like Spider-Man with bone spurs in my ankles. I live about ten miles away from where I work (which is a cage containing a bucket of water, a bowl of rice, and a mid-90s computer that only goes to this website) so I get pretty tired if I try to parkour the whole way. Usually I parkour for about five minutes at a time and then sit on some guy's car.
Shopping for clothes is a dull nightmare, much like almost everything else in this world. Not for Parkour Master Daniel Dominguez! I like to continuously flip whenever I'm in clothing stores. If I see clothes I like, I flip into them. They don't fit? FLIP OUT! I repeat this process until I'm wearing as many layers of clothes as I intend to buy. Then I grab a barcode scanner, do a full-body slide down the register while scanning my clothes, and fling my credit card like a shuriken through the credit card reader. It's pretty kickass, you should see it.
I don't date chicks who don't do parkour. Parkour is just such a big part of my life, you know? If she doesn't parkour, it's like we have nothing in common. This is why I make sure to test a lady's parkour ability on every first date. First she has to run up a brick wall then jump onto a fire escape, then she has to frontflip up a spiral staircase, then we see a movie. So far most of them have left, one of them broke her collarbone, and one made it all the way to the movie before she said Les Miserables is a terrible first date choice and left. Still looking for that special someone.
I get released from work at 6, then I have ME TIME. I spend so much time parkouring that I don't know too many people (I used to have friends but I ditched them because none of them could slide down a handrail on one foot), so I usually just parkour it up until bedtime. It's a lot of fun, you should totally try it! You have to parkour for about 9 hours a day for a couple months before you're good enough at it to avoid catastrophic injury, but it's totally worth it once you can make sweet seven foot jumps between buildings. Plus it makes you have almost zero awareness of how desperately alone you are and how getting into a sport won't change that. So hit me up if you wanna start parkouring!
Do you jump off high things? Let us know in the comments!