Here we are, a week into January, and already, people are slipping on — even abandoning completely — their new year's resolutions. Oh, you haven't broken yours yet? WHAT, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME? Well, a) you probably are better than me, but b) it's only by a couple of days.
You see, all new year's resolutions have the specter of failure hanging over them. It's only a matter of time before you revert back to your gross, lazy, 2012-self. Therefore, it makes sense to give up on the HARDEST resolutions right now! Here are the new year's resolutions you should just give up on already.
"After all these years, I'm finally going to become fluent in another language!"
Let's assume you DO learn a new language. Say, French. What are you going to do with that new skill? Go to FRANCE? You know they HATE Americans there. In fact, ninety percent of every American who goes to France is kidnapped by terrorists and held hostage. The ONLY Americans who have ever come back from France are Liam Neeson's children. Don't believe me? Well I watched over half of Taken while ironing my laundry and playing Letterpress on my iPhone, so it'd be great if you could NOT doubt me on this — I'm pretty much an expert on foreign relations.
"I'm going to waste less time reading celebrity news!"
You think you're going to stop obsessively following the lives of people who make infinitely more money than you and will never be capable of caring about you, let alone learning you exist? If you had any love in your life, you wouldn't have cared about them in the first place.
So what's different between this year and last year? Did you FIND someone to love you? Oh, that girl from the new year's party? Guess what — that was just new year's magic. It's not going to last. But Britney Spears? She'll be breaking up with dudes all year long.
"It's time to finally get that college degree!"
You think you're going to go back to college and get invited to the college bars with your new pals? YEAH RIGHT. You're like 25. They're 18. The age gap there is WAY too big.
Think you can overcome it? Consider the way that older guy in your college econ class reacted when you talked about Pokemon. That confusion and fear is what it's gonna be like for you when the younger kids bring up, like, Stiffboarding and Riboflavin Points. You see, for me — and almost certainly for you — the time for college is over, so all I can use to describe what college kids are into these days is GIBBERISH.
"These credit card bills are overwhelming. I'm going to pay them ALL off this year!"
Check it out — it costs A LOT of money to pay off debt, and you don't even GET anything for doing it. If I got, say, an X-Box 360 game for every 60 dollars in debt that I paid off, then YEAH, I'd be out of debt. But why would I EVER pay down my credit card bill when I can USE those credit cards to BUY X-Box games? Do these debt collectors even GET how the economy works?
"I'm going to go jogging every single day"
A lot of people believe that jogging improves your overall fitness and helps you think more clearly. But here's the thing — you burn the EXACT same number of calories NOT jogging as you do jogging, so long as you also drink a lot and do plenty of hard drugs and take up hang gliding or chainsaw juggling.
I learned all this during a consultation with my doctor about my new year's fitness goals, and while he HAS been in love with my wife for years, I don't REALLY think he'd give advice that would kill me. In fact, he even told me HIS new year's resolution was to not kill me!
"I'm only going to cook food at home. No more eating out"
Any idiot can stop going to those expensive, small serving restaurants, but the reason this resolution is NOT gonna hold is that Subway is offering the Chipotle Chicken and Cheese for only FIVE dollars all throughout the month of January. I've literally been living off of Chipotle Chicken and Cheese sandwiches since the 3rd, and I've realized — I'm a man who loves fast food. It feels so great to just be HONEST about that and be myself.
That said, it feels physically disgusting to be honest about that and to be myself.
What new years resolutions have you given up on in years past? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!