2012 has given us some amazing things. The Mars Curiosity Rover. A new Hobbit Movie. Grumpy Cat. But it’s also given us some pretty terrible pop songs. When I was making this list I tried to avoid songs like “Hot Problems” or “Thanksgiving” since they didn’t really count as “pop.” I also avoided songs that were annoying merely from being overplayed, like “Call Me Maybe” or “Somebody That I Used to Know.” The list is a little hip-hop heavy, since this year hip-hop just sucked a little more, so I apologize. Ke$ha will be releasing new singles next year, so maybe dance-pop will dominate the worst songs of 2013 list. Let’s get started!
Note: Some of these songs have filthy filthy swear words. Listen with caution!
10. Dance (A$$) Remix – Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj
Now a song about asses is fine, but song that is mostly just the word ass? Like ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass? Well, at least it rhymes. How was this approved as a radio-friendly song? The song is called “Dance (A$$)” instead of “Dance (Ass)” like they are fooling ANYBODY with those dollar signs. “Mommy, what is that song A$$ about?” “I don’t know Dakota, that’s not even a real word. We better listen and find out.”
Choice Lyrics:
Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass.
9. Cruising California – The Offspring
Musically, “Cruising California” sounds like one of the edgier Hillary Duff songs, but with an 45-year-old man rapping on top of it. Some people say this is a “joke” song like “Pretty Fly For A White Guy,” but I’m not convinced. “Pretty fly” was actually a fun song to listen to. The joke in “Cruising California” is that it sucks? Fun joke guys!
Choice Lyrics:
I know you heard that bass bumpin' in my trunk
Bum-bumpin' in my trunk, bum-bumpin' in my trunk (oh yeah)
I know you heard that bass bumpin' in my trunk (uh huh)
Bum-bumpin' in my trunk (uh huh), bum-bumpin' in my trunk (let's go)
8. Turn On The Lights - Future
The music is basic and forgettable, the lyrics are shallow and repetitive, but what makes this song stand out is that the lead vocals straight up suck balls. The auto-tune on this song is turned up so far Future’s voice sounds like Lil Wayne’s death rattle. Stephen Hawking talking into a fan would produce a more authentically human sound.
Choice Lyrics:
Turn on the lights
I'm lookin' for 'er
I'm lookin' for 'er
I'm lookin' for 'er
7. Birthday Cake – Rihanna ft. Chris Brown
If some dude were to beat my face up and send me to the hospital, and never show any real remorse, I would avoid that dude for the rest of my life. However, if I did decide to get together my attacker again, it would have to be for a good reason, and not just to record a terrible song. I guess Rihanna and I are just different types of people! This awkward, slow, “sexy” song about cake (hint: the cake is a metaphor!), is so annoying I’m worried people will stop liking cake.
Choice Lyrics:
I’ma make you my bitch
Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake…
6. Trying Not To Love You - Nickleback
For most of these I was trying to base my assessment on the actual song, but HOLY CRAP this video. WATCH THIS VIDEO.
What the hell is going on here, Costanza? I think Kramer’s Laugh Factory meltdown tape is less embarrassing. Oh, and song itself is just another forgettable mid-tempo “rock” track that sounds suspiciously similar to “How You Remind Me.” If you want to feel bad about music, just remind yourself that Nickleback has been North America’s biggest rock band for about 10 years.
5. The Whale Sounding Part from "Some Nights" – fun.
For most of these, I had to dislike the entire song before I included it on the list. For example, just having annoying lyrics wasn’t enough (lucky you, Carly Rae Jepsen). But I made an exception for this song because it has possibly my least favorite pop music moment of 2012. (ALSO, this pretentious pop song about the struggles of a musician for some reason has a CIVIL WAR BATTLE THEMED VIDEO. Yes, America’s bloodiest conflict, a war to save the union and later free the slaves, is the perfect backdrop for you to whine about people jacking your style. Also, what style are they jacking? Your damn auto-tuned WHALE SOUND?)
Choice Lyrics:
Oaahaaaawwwaaahhhahahaaaa
4. Instagram That Hoe – Fat Joe ft. Rick Ross & Juicy J
I bet you forgot about Fat Joe. Well, the “Lean Back” rapper is back, and SURPRISE, he still kinda sucks. Or actually, really sucks. “Instagram That Hoe” makes “Lean Back” look like “Hey Jude.” Of all of the things to do to a hoe, intstagraming them has got to be the most boring. Thematically, this makes sense, since this is a boring song about Fat Joe taking cell phone pictures of his shoes, watch, and (wait for it) hoes.
Choice Lyrics:
Instagram that hoe, Instagram that hoe
Instagram that hoe, Instagram that hoe
3. Breakfast (Syrup) – Kreayshawn ft. 2 Chainz
Normally featuring the over-hyped and under-talented 2 Chainz on your song is the stamp of suckitude, but when Kreayshawn is involved it’s like putting that stamp on a turd. Pushing the “stacks of money=stacks of pancakes” metaphor WAY too hard, Keayshawn delivers another flat, uninspired rap track that’s an insult to the most important meal of the day.
Choice Lyrics:
I-I-I-I’m hungry, hungry for this money
2. Kim Kardashian – Soulja Boy
If a team of the world’s worst musicians slaved for years, painstakingly crafting the very worst lyrics, vocals, and music, they couldn’t come up with a song half has horrible as Soulja Boy’s “Kim Kardashian.” The music track is literally just someone pounding the same chord on a piano over and over, and 50% of the lyrics are just the word SWAG. But let’s not forget Soulja Boy’s horrible, lazy, off-beat rapping. Many musicians mature throughout their career, and as they grow as artists they challenge themselves to explore new ideas or genres. Soulja Boy started off terrible, challenged himself to reach new heights of terribleness, and succeeded beyond his wildest expectations. (I almost didn’t include this since this song wasn’t actually popular and Soulja Boy is more forgotten than Friendster, but I felt I needed to document this atrocity.)
Choice Lyrics:
I got so much swag
Pretty … pretty girl, pretty swag
Kim kardashian, long hair, yellow…
Swear she got a nice hair… swagging with versace
1. Stupid Hoe – Nicki Minaj
Technically this song was released in 2011 but I’m including it since it inflicted most of its ear damage in 2012. Sometimes Nicki Minaj will rap/sing over actual music, but the backing track on “Supid Ho” is just a series of “whoop-whoop-whoops” that sound like someone recorded a malfunctioning fire alarm. On top of this “music” Nicki delivers some of the most asinine lyrics ever written in one of the worst rap styles ever performed. It’s the perfect storm of garbage composition. “Stupid Hoe” isn’t just the reason a lot of people don’t like Nicki Minaj - I’m convinced it’s the reason some people don’t like music at all.
Choice Lyrics:
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe
You a stupid hoe, (yeah) you a, you a stupid hoe
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid)
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)
You a stupid hoe, (yeah) you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)
SPECIAL AWARD: The Motto – Drake ft. Lil Wanye, Tyga
Because, and I beleive I am using this term correctly, YOLO.
What do YOU think is the worst pop song of 2012? Let me know in the comments or on twitter at @carpetislava.
