It’s our loved ones who are capable of hurting us the most, and there’s no better tangible manifestation of this concept than the Group Text. What might start as a simple, “Happy Hannukah! Miss you guys!” will inevitably end in a string of inside jokes, responses from foreign phone numbers, and pictures of someone’s engagement ring. But one cannot simply write, “Take me off the list,” for fear of insulting the integrity of each person’s well-thought-out communiqué. What, then, is a person who has a life to do? Here are some ways to get out of a group text without looking like a jerk.
Announce A Party At Your House
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em in person. Or at least make them think you’re wanting to join them in person. Invite the whole group to a last-minute party at your house; this time of year, they’ve probably all already got plans and/or are relieved to have a night off from holiday parties. They’ll need you to think they’re super busy doing their other thing (and can’t possibly be texting right now) or they totally would have come. Sit back and listen as the text pings start fading away like end-of-microwave popcorn pops.
Say You're In A Foreign Country
Texting is still really expensive if you’re in a foreign country. Tell them you would love to enlighten them as to how you’re doing on your trip to Eastern Europe, but it might bankrupt everyone involved. As long as they’re okay with that… yeah, that’s what I thought. Na Zdorovie!
Suggest Everyone Move Over To GroupMe, Then Delete The App
GroupMe is an app that allows you to hold ongoing text convos among different groupings like, “Ski Trip Peeps” and “Peep Show Peeps” and “My Peeps Who Like Peeps The Easter Thing.” It sounds like a great idea for anyone who wants to talk about how blessed they feel to have you in their life. Suggest the group moves over to GroupMe, then delete that sucker and pretend it’s technology’s fault.
Tell Them You Went Amish
Amish people don’t use technology (or at least are super restrictive about what it can be used for), and your friends should respect your newfound religious beliefs. To help sell it, send one last pic of you wearing your choice of the above hats.
Start A Fight Via Other Text Threads
Nothing squashes a group text like a little trash talking. Use separate individual texts to spread rumors about different people in the group thread, and smile as you successful divide and conquer. You may now have to keep up with, like, five different conversations, but at least they’ll all be relevant to your life (because they’ll be damage control)!
Seppuku is an ancient Japanese tradition of killing oneself in order to die with honor rather than fall at the hands of one’s enemies. It’s a simple abdomen slice. Just saying.
Or actually, you know what might be better is to turn your phone off. Yeah, that might be smarter than cutting your stomach open with a sword.
How else can you get out of a group text without looking like a jerk? Let us know in the comments!