December 212, 2012. According to the Mayan Calendar and anyone who also describes fortune cookies as “eerily accurate,” that’s the day the world will be destroyed by…well, no one knows that part yet. But if you play it right, the end of the world can be the beginning of the best part of your life…until you blow up, get sucked into a black hole, or realize gravity has somehow been shut off.
Finally Get to Be a Superhero. Or Jedi.
The end of the world means you no longer have to get a job for the money. You can now get any job you want, real or not, for the fun of it! So tie a bed sheet around your neck as a cape and fight crime until you realize a cape is the perfect way for criminals strangle you. Run out into the street wearing only a bathrobe and wielding a yardstick shouting “Where’s Darth Maul?!” to a society too busy screaming and looting to make fun of you for not having the decency to at least cite a good “Star Wars” movie. Or just keep screaming “I’m a nude astronaut!” as you run around your neighborhood wearing only a helmet and a big smile.
Purchase Anything on Layaway
Find out if money really can buy class by diamond-encrusting every limb. Buy a house with a retractable roof so you can let in the sun and your own Harrier Jet. Build three extra floors on your parents’ garage and then get hovercrafts. With no upcoming bills to worry about and no one taking the time to find out your credit history involves being declined for Coca Cola Reward Points, you can now see just how many life-size, working Transformers it takes to submerge a private floating city.
Call It Like It Is
Let’s be honest—you’ve held your tongue long enough for the sake of being nice. But with the world ending on December 21, it’s either now or never to let people know that maybe their baby isn’t the type that should be photographed. Or tell bad drivers that you’re now going to play by Mad Max/Road Warrior rules, hence the train grill in the front of your Honda Civic. Or say to the biggest, meanest bully you know that you’re going to beat the crap out of him behind the school on December 22. But make sure to do all these things with air quotes, that way if the world doesn’t end you can say you were just joking.
Accomplish Every Lifetime Goal That Can Be Done in a Few Hours
Write the Great American Book Review on Amazon.com. Earn a PhD. in air conditioning and refrigeration. Travel to a wildlife preserve operated by Six Flags. Learn to play an instrument, like the tambourine or triangle. See the pyramids for what they really are on the Discovery Channel. Perform stand-up comedy once, while drunk, at a friend’s party. Reorganize your priorities by deliciousness. Just do anything that takes almost no time so that you can say in your last few minutes, “I really did something with my life.”
Overcome Your Fear of Rejection
Too shy or embarrassed to talk to someone? Well, it’s now or never to get over your fear of rejection and ask out every single person you’ve ever had a crush on. Then ask out every single stranger you see. Then wait for your cell phone to butt-dial anyone and ask that person to marry you. Just keep putting yourself out there again and again, because 1) If they do say “no” you won’t be around long enough to feel bad about it and 2) Someone, right now, is also asking out everyone they see, so the two of you are bound to meet up eventually.
Enjoy the Hell Out of Life
We never really apprecaite life until we think we’re about to lose it. So with the world about to end what better time to really make the most of living...or to put it another way, “Go batsh*t crazy.” Start a conga line with every person who passes by on the street. Ride an elephant to, from, and through school. Invent a new language using only crossbows and screams. So put on that astronaut helmet, take off those clothes, and show everyone in your town just how much fun “Nude Mars” would have been. But make sure to have a fake backstory ready in case the world is still around on December 22, that way you can claim all your insane behavior was the result of a bad reaction to flu medicine.
Are you stoked that your government is letting global warming run rampant so that by the time you're 40 the world will be a desert hellscape? Let us know in the comments below!
