You may think you know all about Santa from the TV specials, movies, songs, books, and his self-published autobiography “I’m Cold, I’m Old, and All These Midgets Keep Asking for Health Benefits.” But those only scratched the surface about what the real Kris Kringle is like…
Santa Is Not a Good Businessman
When you’re raised by a bunch of elves in the tundra centuries before online classes and long before people were expected to live past middle school, you don’t quite learn the basics of running a major conglomerate. Like not building factories on top of shifting ice floes. Or not promising a single shipping date for the entire planet. Or not counting on people leaving out cookies so you at least have something with which to pay your employees.
Santa Is Not Up on the Latest Gadgets
Each year it gets harder and harder for Santa and the elves to keep up with the latest technology, especially since they all received their training in woodcutting, wood staining, and simply nailing two random pieces of wood together and calling it “Retro Legos.” So when they’re asked to make something like a Wii U or an iPad they do the only thing possible—wrap a black wooden frame around an Etch-a-Sketch and attach a note saying, “Disappointment is a part of life.”
Santa Has Questionable Hiring Practices
People have long wondered why Santa only hires elves. The reason is elves have a tendency to really blow their SATs and so have few opportunities after high school. Couple that with the fact that it takes a certain kind of individual to willingly move up to a place that’s always frozen, has absolutely no hospitals or supermarkets, and is the world’s leader in “death by polar bear disembowelment” and you begin to realize Santa may not be attracting the best and brightest to his workshop.
Santa Has Other Dreams
Santa didn’t always want to spend his life in a frozen wasteland running a toy operation that makes illegal copies of other companies’ products and is barely kept afloat by Russian mob money. He wanted to act. And sing. And dance. Which is why every year Santa forces all his elves to sit and watch his one-man musical extravaganza “Les Miserables Featuring the Phantom and Cats with Music from Mama Mia.” After which the elves usually revolt and burn down a factory or two.
Santa May Be Getting Too Old for This
No one knows how old Santa Claus really is, mostly because he’s assumed so many identities over the years—Santa, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Papa Noel, among many others—each with their own ID, credit history, and wife. But given how often Santa will lose energy on his flight and simply toss the gifts from his sled down to the houses below—often resulting in a Lexus with a big red bow going straight through a roof—or forget what he’s doing and go into people’s houses to try on their clothes, it may be time for one of the younger elves to take over the business.
Santa Could Soon Be Looking for a New Line of Work
As much as routinely breaking into homes, leaving free stuff, and getting payback by raiding liquor cabinets sounds like a great business plan, Santa’s Workshop may be in trouble. So this year before you try to send Santa a Christmas list so large that Gmail says it’s too big for an attachment, think about all he has to deal with, all the troubles he has, and at least thank him for having the courtesy of dropping your parents’ new Lexus through the roof of your neighbor’s house instead.
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