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The Most Unusual Things You Can Buy At A Rite Aid

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Sometimes you wander into a pharmacy to buy a drink and then remember that there's something else you were planning to pick up but you have no idea what. You have entered the Rite Aid Zone and there is no going back. Perhaps you will uncover one of these, the most unusual items you can buy in a Rite Aid:

 

A Rusty Old Trash Can Full Of Lice Eggs

unusual rite aid purchases

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You thought ditching the sheet metal and hitting up the junkyard section of Rite Aid like you used to would recapture what made you a premier 3D collage artist, but all you got was prescription shampoo and stern warnings from boring people.

 

A Handful Of Baby Snakes

unusual rite aid purchases

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You just wanted a pal who could lend your trailer a certain menace that anyone could identify as the musk of a man who owns a snake and is not to be trifled with. Rite Aid only has these cute little fellas by the handful. When you hold them in your hands and realize you want to snuggle them and protect them from this dangerous world, Rite Aid is telling you that maybe you were going about the business of buying a snake all wrong before.

 

An Attractive Body For You

unusual rite aid purchases

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Maybe it's the kind of body you wish you walked around in all day so that people would view you with awed terror. "Is that (your name)? My god, (he/she) is so attractive I must pull off all my skin and lay it at (his/her) feet to declare my unworthiness!" Maybe it's just a body you want to have sex with. Rite Aid's got 'em by the bushel, and they aren't really worth it, because buying one awakens you to the emptiness inside yourself. (Also they have gross fingernails.)

A Very Tiny Leaf

unusual rite aid purchases

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Every relationship you've ever been in has ended because of differences you and your partner have had over interior decorating. Sometimes it's the restaurant you went to on your first date and sometimes it's the living room of the home you bought together and planned to one day raise your kids in, but everything can be traced back to your uncompromising attitude towards daintiness. Nothing is ever dainty enough for you-- or nothing was, until you found this tiny leaf. "It's so tiny," you'll sob into your doily when you find it on sale at Rite Aid. Don't cry over the leaf. Marry it.

 

The Truth

unusual rite aid purchases

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To this date, only a few brave souls have ever ventured deep enough within the bowels of the human condition and Rite Aid to find this unusual item. Each Rite Aid contains a tarsier who, if paid the price, will whisper in your ear The Truth. The price is whatever you are least willing to sacrifice, except during Rite Aid Wellness+ Rewards Members Savings Week, when it is $19.95.

 

Your Own Face

unusual rite aid purchases

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Where did it come from? Why does Rite Aid have it? You are asking the wrong questions. The right question is, "When do my Rite Aid Wellness+ Rewards Member Points expire?", and the answer is, "On the day you seek your face in a Rite Aid and cannot find it, for on that day Rite Aid has turned away its favor."

 

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