By now you’ve probably heard that the Disney Channel is going to air a sequel to the 90’s series “Boy Meets World” called “Girl Meets World,” focusing on Cory and Topanga’s daughter and possibly even featuring the original, older cast. Which of course gets one to thinking what other shows from that decade should get their own pointless follow-up?
“Perfect Strangers”
When we last left Balki and Cousin Larry, they had each gotten married, had kids, and were doing one final “Dance of Joy” for the studio audience. Years later they are still dancing wildly in a now empty, silent TV lot, having lost all control of their lower limbs and having been abandoned by families who longed for a life that didn’t constantly involve shouting, “Hey! Hey! Hey!”. Eventually a doctor examines the two and discovers they suffer from a very rare but extreme case of “restless leg syndrome.” The mismatched cousins then become roommates once again as they share a psychiatric ward space, enjoying such fun-filled adventures as repeatedly screaming at each other to stop doing the “Dance of Joy,” accidentally kicking each other and any passersby during the “Dance of Joy,” and failing every single attempt to get a newspaper columnist or sheepherder job by leaping into the interviewers’ arms at the end of the “Dance of Joy.”
“Family Matters”
A spin-off of “Perfect Strangers,” “Family Matters” was originally conceived as a gentle family-oriented sitcom and starring vehicle for the actor who played the cop in the original “Die Hard” movie. But then Steve Urkel arrived and quickly took over not only the entire show but also the whole Winslow family. And so we return almost 15 years after the series finale to find that Urkel is still in charge, now literally holding the family hostage in their Chicago home. Only now Urkel keeps angrily demanding that everyone in the house refer to him as “Thespian Jaleel White” and constantly acknowledge how the actor is so much more than that one character. And so in each episode the very frightened family members must suggest another role the self-proclaimed highly versatile actor can perform for them, from “Hamlet” to “Macbeth” to “Toys R Us Kid #7” he played in a 1984 commercial.
“Married…with Children”
By now every actor from “Married…with Children” has gone on to enjoy continued success post-series finale…with the exception of David Faustino who played “Bud Bundy” in the series and probably went on to play “Bud Bundy” at supermarket openings, speaking engagements in which he was paid with food, and in erotic “Married…with Children” fanfiction the actor may very well post online. And so the sequel would find a now almost middle-aged Bud living alone in the Chicago suburb Bundy home, sitting on the couch, hand tucked into his pants, staring directly at the viewer in silence for minutes on end only to mutter occasionally how he should have saved his money or at least enrolled in a trade school.
“Saved by the Bell”
True, there already was “Saved by the Bell: The College Years,” in which all the characters amazingly attended the same university by apparently taking turns writing one college submission essay. And yes, there was “Saved by the Bell: The New Class,” in which Screech returned to Bayside High to toil for Principal Belding probably due to some delayed form of Stockholm Syndrome. And yes, there was even “Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas,” in which Zack and Kelly elope, perhaps with each other, perhaps while sh*tfaced drunk to Cirque du Soleil performers. But in “Saved by the Bell: New Career Paths” we would join the now late-thirtysomethings as they deal with layoffs by all attending the same adult education school…online. The screen would be split into six panels, each featuring a single cast member alone staring at their laptop in their home/apartment/elderly parents’ basement, taking classes, tweeting, downloading pictures of Jessie from “Showgirls.”
“Sabrina the Teenage Witch”
Like the proposed “Boy Meets World” sequel, the new “Sabrina the Exhausted Parent of a Teenage Witch” would focus on the main character’s child, who turns out to Voldemort. This would lead to such lighthearted hijinks as Sabrina’s cat Salem almost being digested by Nagini, Sabrina constantly having to clean up Voldemort’s messy room only to find pieces of her son’s shattered soul scattered everywhere, and Sabrina demanding her son stop hanging out with that clearly crazy goth chick Bellatrix because it’s lowering his test scores and raising his body count.
“Full House”
A new family moves into the old Tanner house in San Francisco only to find the entire original Tanner clan still holed up in the attic, living off the meager funds from Uncle Jessie’s Greek yogurt commercials and eBay sales of “The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley” VHS tapes. And so now all the Tanners—Danny, Jesse, Joey, Donna, Stephanie, two Michelles, Rebecca, Nicky, Alex, and a stuffed Buddy the Dog—help raise the new family’s four children along with those parents, their grandparents, and that family’s friend who then gets married and has octoplets of his own until the entire house is inhabited by 106 characters and the police condemn it for massive illegal cohabitation and insufficient plumbing violations.
What would you like to see remade? Let us know in the comments!
