Japanese 'Cuddle Cafe' Let's You Cuddle With A Cute Girl... For A Price

It used to be that if you were a sad, lonely man, you had to make a person-esque body out of hay and burlap sacks to keep you company. But why create a vaugely human-shaped partner when you could make a real life woman feel like she's vaugely human? Well, like any uncomfortable idea, it's happening in Japan. We're about to see A LOT of jilted scarecrow-lovers.

"Y'all goin' be back. You think that new girl gonna keep away yo crows like I do?"
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At the Soine-ya cafe you can sleep with a real-life lady! And when I say "sleep", I literally mean "sleep". You just go lie down with a girl and nap.

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AND NO IT'S NOT SEXUAL. No one is allowed to do anything too weird.

That said, because you can't do anything weird, the whole thing paradoxically
becomes more weird.
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The base sleeping-with-another-human price is 3,00 yen, or about 38 American dollars. There are add-ons you can pay for as well, in case you want your sleeping girl to do specific things while sleeping. AND NO IT'S STILL NOT SEXUAL. For a price, you can get your purchased sleep-lady to lie on your arm or rest your head in her lap. Heck, for an extra 1,000 yen you can even look her in the eye.

You know, you could make eye contact with a female at Starbucks
for free if you just acted like a goddamn human being for thirty seconds.
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Hey, anyone who thinks this is in any way a good idea? Listen up, I'm about to save you THOUSANDS of Yen. You ready? Buy a stuffed animal. They're soft, they cost less than a dollar at garage sales, and best of all, some of them are lions.

You can't objectify a stuffed lion.
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Would you patronize a cuddle cafe? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!