Whatever your opinion of Justin Bieber, give the kid some credit: he's worked very hard to get to his current level of success. If you are a staunch Republican like myself you will agree that he should not be shamed for being successful. On the contrary, we should mock those who have less money than him and are therefore lazy and stupid. Since I'm both older and poorer than Bieber, I deserve my wrath as much as anyone. Here are the biggest differences between his 6.5 million dollar house and my cheapo apartment in Suck City.
His Kitchen is Clean And Free of Insects
While doing the dishes last night I found a large earwig living comfortably in a mixing bowl I made pancake batter in a few days ago. I screamed like I had never been trained by society that men are not supposed to scream, then closed my eyes and crushed it with my rubber dish gloves. Justin Bieber doesn't have to deal with this, as he has both a staff of domestic servants to keep his sink clear and way more masculinity than myself.
Bieber Has Nice Neighbors
Biebs lives near the Kardashians in Calabasas, CA, one of LA's wealthiest suburbs. I live within a five minute walk of six liquor stores whose owners do not speak English. Last week, my neighbor screamed through my American Apparel model-thin walls that she would call the police on my roommate and me for talking quietly at 11 pm. Since Bieber lives in a giant compound, he is free to make as much noise as he pleases.
My Cinema Room Is Just My Computer And a Couch
If you are planning on being poor, I recommend adopting a political stance that will make people think you don't own a TV because of some deeply-held belief. That way, I can say "I don't trust the liberal media!" instead of the far more accurate "I can't afford anything other than my rent and edible sawdust bricks." Justin Bieber is rich enough to use one of his rooms as a movie theater, complete with antique popcorn cart. I hope I can meet him someday so I can ask him if popcorn tastes even better than Uncle Barry's Mesquite BBQ Flavored DustBrixx.
His Pool Is There on Purpose
I have a pool in my apartment building. It is a deep puddle of stagnant water above a clogged drain in the courtyard, which, as you all know, is the perfect breeding ground for kitchen insects. (In unrelated news, it hasn't rained here in over a week.) Bieber's pool is way cooler, because it has hot water jets, scantily-clad attractive people, and almost zero lice eggs (except when The Situation visits).
We Both Eat Outdoors (But For Different Reasons)
Justin has himself a fantastic al fresco dining area surrounded by palm trees. After last night's bug scare shattered my consciousness into a thousand irreparable pieces, I decided to eat breakfast at the taco truck across the street rather than risk further insect contamination. The taco truck has no chairs and is popular among Hispanic day laborers; Bieber's al fresco dining area, on the other hand, has six chairs and is popular among women of all ethnicities who are paid to wear bikinis.
Hugely Different Game Rooms
My pool table has green felt instead of red felt. They are otherwise identical.
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