I never played any sports in school. I don't feel that it was because I was so weak I had to carry all of my books around in a red wagon. That's true, but I think it was more because my school didn't offer any sports that I would be interested in. Football? Baseball? Basketball? No thanks. Those games have been around forever. I want to play something fresh. Some people might say that a lot of alternative sports aren't played in school because you can't play them professionally and make a living. I say that these sports would be more popular if high schools adopted them first and then they got popular from there. Here are real sports that your school should play.
Playing video games as a sport has been around since the 80's. So why hasn't this sport been adopted in to the main stream? It's because for a long time it was considered to be a past time of nerds and social outcasts. In the past ten years, gaming has become very mainstream. Now you just need to petition your local school board to make this a legitimate sport wherever you live. If your school board says no then you got to take it all the way to the Supreme Court or the President or something. It's about time this happened.
This is not as gross as it sounds. It's a really simple, fun, and addictive bean bag game. It's really similar to a lot of games that you probably play on your iPhone except, you know, real. Plus, you can really freak people out when you tell them that you're on your school's corn hole team.
Extreme Pencil Fighting
This sport has been going on since about 1995. It basically just involves trying to break each other's pencils by hitting them together. You're in a building that like totally filled with pencils anyway that no one wants to use because you can pretty much do all of your homework on the computer now. Why not use them for something that people will actually enjoy?
There are a lot of shows with insane obstacle courses, but this one actually has some class. It takes some pretty extreme physical ability to conquer this competition. I think putting a permanent Ninja Warrior course on every campus will be the real way to solve America's obesity epidemic.
Competitive eating has gained a lot of respect in the last few years as a legitimate sport. There are hundreds of competitions around the world. And to be honest, kids all over America are already training for this and they don't even know. Now the fat kids of America will finally stopped being looked down upon just for liking food a whole whole bunch. Instead of walking around the halls getting dirty looks, they'll be carried around by 7 or 8 people in triumph like the kings and queens that they are. I know that I would have been on the Varsity squad if we had a Pizza Team.
Not many people know this, but thumb wrestling is actually the world's oldest sport. There were recently discovered cave drawings in France that showed epic thumb wars that lasted for hundreds of years. Even today, most modern international disputes are solved with thumb wrestling. I personally think that instead of Presidential debates, we should just have them compete in a thumb wrestling competition. If it was good enough for cave men then it should be good enough for us.
Yes. This is a real thing. It was, of course, invented in Japan where everything cool was invented. It was brought to America by way of the Alamo Drafthouse and now tours the country. It's pretty much the same as diving or gymnastics. You perform your routine and then get judged by a panel of experts. The winner is everyone in the audience.
Paintball rules. It's plain and simple. A lot of people think that paintball is too dangerous to be played at school. I say it's more dangerous when you're forced to go play out in the middle of the woods like me and my friends had to do. What if I had gotten attacked by a bear or some hillbillies and killed. At least, maybe then my school would have finally opened the Zach Ames Memorial Paintballatorium like I always dreamed about.
What real sport do you want to play at your school? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!