There are a lot of strange jobs here in Los Angeles. Sign spinner, graffiti artists, and of course the dreaded personal assistant. Every celebrity has one, so I decided to put together a list of the 10 worst celebrities to be the assistant of. Let me know what you think in the comments below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli
10. ANDY DICK
Aside from his current irrelevance in the world of entertainment, this “comedic” actor would be a nightmare to work for. He is constantly finding new ways to piss people off and get punched in the face. Not much of a role model for a budding young actor. Plus his legal troubles alone are enough for this position to require a law school pre requisite.
Daily Tasks Include: Buying illegal fireworks from a kiosk in Chinatown, explaining how computers work, and posting bail money.
9. KIM KARDASHIAN
She may be nice to look at but that voice… So much of being an assistant is having a close relationship with you’re boss. You’re essentially married. Could you imagine marrying Kim Kardashian!? Dragging her Coach luggage through LAX while she whines about how the waiter at STK was totally rude to her last night. You know that “kill me now” look some husbands/wives get when they’ve just quit on life? Yeah you have that now.
Daily Tasks Include: Pricing gaudy jewelry, fending off paparazzi, and sexting Kanye.
8. GARY BUSEY
This would just be fun. Like raising a small, Oscar nominated, insane baby. Aside from having to explain to him that having a “smart phone” doesn’t mean the government can track his brain waves, you’d have to manage this guy’s public image. Really, you could tweet/facebook/say anything as this guy and you couldn’t go wrong. The crazier the better.
Daily Tasks Include: Learning how to start a fire with two sticks and learning all the lyrics to Steal My Sunshine by Len. Knowing how to drive stick is a plus.
7. BETTY WHITE
It’s hard caring for the elderly. It’s even harder when that elderly person is off making millions starring in TV shows. The only problem with this gig, aside from explain what email is, is that it has no job security. Not to get dark here but we’re talking 2-3 years TOPS. Which could parlay into a lovely career assisting a younger star, somebody up and coming, like Joan Rivers.
Daily Tasks: Checking the battery in her Life Alert™, updating her facebook page, and mashing up various vegetables.
6. TIM TEBOW
His creepy religious convictions aside, this guy has be super annoying. He plays three downs of football a year, the rest of his day is downtime. You’d probably spend a majority of your time looking at cat pictures on Reddit.
Daily Tasks Include: Surfing Reddit for cat pictures, prayer, and drawing pictures in crayon of Mark Sanchez looking stupid.
5. DAVID HASSELHOFF
Yeah I don’t…just…that’d be terrible.
Daily Tasks Include: Picking up Carl’s Jr., uploading videos from a Flipcam, and being a friend of Bill.
4. MICHAEL BAY
The tasks wouldn’t be too bad, and the career opportunities would be amazing. But you’d have to spend the next year of your life sitting there, watching somebody ruin your childhood. Although you would have the opportunity to soil the whole thing.
Daily Tasks Include: Repairing and replacing megaphones, pricing flights to Europe, and sexting Megan Fox.
3. PARIS HILTON
SO much pet care. Plus, you’d have to manage all that property. She owns islands. PLURAL. And one bad financial decision and boom, she’s Nick Cage. And Amurrca has to sit through Wicker Man 2, the bees are back.
Daily Tasks Include: Managing Excel sheets, Updating finances, and being hotttttt
2. MITT ROMNEY
I sometimes wonder what it was like to have been on the Titanic and make the conscious decision to stay on the ship as it was sinking. I imagine the fine people in camp Romney are having to make the same decision right now. 10 years from now they’ll look back at all this and laugh; like the rest of Amurrca is doing right now.
Daily Tasks Include: Drowning your sorrows, sending out job applications, apologizing to everyone you made fun of for working on the Kerry campaign 8 years ago.
1. LINDSAY LOHAN
Creepy video aside, she is the culmination of everyone who has been on this list so far, a spoiled rich girl who doesn’t act anymore and uses her free time to ruin your childhood memories of Freaky Friday. Plus she’s like one night at Palihouse away from going all River Phoenix on us. Although it would give you a lifetime of stories, the stress may shorten your own lifetime as well.
Daily Tasks Include: WHAAAAT!? Shut up!
What celeb would you hate to work for? Let me know in the comments below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli