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Top Ways Driverless Cars Are Going To Change Our Damn Lives

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The most dangerous thing most people do every day is drive a car. Thankfully, we are moving towards a future where humans have robots to take risks for us. Just because my prototype GamblerBot has a crippling addiction that got his children robo-napped doesn't mean that post-human highways are a bad idea. Driverless cars will change our idiot lives and here is how:

 

Horrible Comedians Will Have To Talk About Something Else

Driverless Cars Comedy

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You know how men never ask for directions, Asians can't drive, and Arabs drive cabs? Chances are good that millions of people who say "my friends are always telling me how funny I am" have beaten these stereotypes into your brains with the insistent fury of a sexually frustrated Energizer Bunny. Soon, these guys will have to find other observations to be overly confident about making. (I suggest talking about how women and people of other races are bad.)

 

Drunks Will Stop Removing Themselves From The Gene Pool, Dooming Humanity

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You'd think that taking drunk drivers out of cars would cut down on accidents, right? Wrong. Drunks usually have children who become drunks. If they stop dying in cars, I predict that in 100 years our species will be too intoxicated to manage the global economy, plunging us into a new Dark Age. Historians will later comment, "Man, where were we last century?"

 

Action Movies Will Need New Climaxes

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Every Hollywood movie climaxes with a car chase. The first time someone tries to work a driverless chase into a movie will also be the last. Oh, Jason Bourne's computer car is better programmed than the bad guy's? Fun. Soon, you may see action movies with radically different climaxes, such as: on-foot chase, plane chase, boat chase, and dogsled chase.

 

Fear Of Flying Will Make More Sense

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Being afraid to fly is usually the result of a serious anxiety disorder. That means when you tell the person next to you on the plane who keeps doing breathing exercises that "flying is the safest way to travel", all you're really doing is lording your logical superiority over their disease. When robots drive all our cars, you'd better believe these people will throw the fact that flying is NOT the safest way to travel back in your mean faces.

 

Tacos Everywhere

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The only thing I love more than elaborately faking my own death to avoid social obligations is tacos. Unfortunately, proper taco consumption requires tilting your head to an angle that turns driving into murder. Full disclosure: my taco lust has killed thousands of innocent motorists. The driverless car revolution cannot come soon enough.

 

Got any better ideas? Let us know in the comments!

 

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