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Types Of People That Wouldn’t Survive If Borderlands Were Real

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Borderlands 2 is in stores and if you are not playing it right now, you either have a level of willpower I cannot comprehend or you are poor. In the likely event that you have immersed yourself in the world of Borderlands so long that you don't know what's real anymore, I am here to remind you that there are types of people that would never survive on Pandora, and their continued existence is proof that you live on Earth. Take 20 minutes to equip your weapons, then read about them here:

 

Branded Entertainment Integration Specialists

Borderlands Brands

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To everyone's relief, the last person in charge of forcing hip lifestyle brands into entertainment will be gunned down while trying to supply VitaminWater to a band of mercenaries engaged in a thrilling, action-packed firefight with the Murder Murder Murder Murder Murder Murder Gang.

 

Car Salesmen

Borderlands Car Salesman

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It's hard enough to make a living on Pandora when most car buyers die before they can pay off an auto loan. But car salesmen would be doomed in real life Borderlands, because there's that one guy who gives away thousands of tanks and armored jeeps for free. Not even Crazy Louie off of I-90 can beat that!

 

Slam Poets

Borderlands Slam Poets

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Earth already has far too many people who believe, for whatever reason, that all poems should be shouted and about how rape is bad. In a place as lawless as Pandora, people would be shouting about rape so often that slam poets would be redundant. Plus, hair product would be so scarce that no one would be able to afford to twist white people hair into dreadlocks.

 

Hoarders

Borderlands Hoarders

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Hoarders on Earth manage to bury themselves in garbage, even though Earth garbage doesn't respawn when you leave the area and re-enter. Borderlands hoarders would choke on ammo in minutes.

 

People With Depression

Borderlands Depression

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Unmedicated depressives would actually be all right most of the time in Borderlands, as there are fewer homicidal maniacs to be found in the well-trod space between their refrigerators and couches than in the rest of the world. But when they run out of cheese puffs and have to venture outdoors, the sunlight will startle them enough that they'll be unable to dodge the bullet volleys that are a part of everyone else's daily lives. It's a shame, too-- I heard all of them were about to get started on that screenplay.

 

Your Mom

Borderlands Mom

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Your mother's generous servings of peanut butter and jelly on sandwiches will throw off her compound's carefully planned rationing. They will starve to death.

 

Do you think you'd survive? Tell us about it, you crazy badass!

 

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