Every great thing has its dark side. For every NFL game we enjoy, an offensive lineman takes a few months off his overall life expectancy. For every Dove™ brand chocolate bar, there is a wrapper left to clutter up our Earth, eventually bringing about Global Warming, somehow. And with pizza, we of course must contend with pizza mouth burns. Sometimes, our pizza is too hot, and we have no choice but our hunger is such that we HAVE to bite into it right then and there. And not a lot of people realize this, but pizza mouth burns can be DANGEROUS.
This little girl DIED from this pizza's temperature, okay? She DIED.
But thankfully, science is here to help. Scientists from the University of Texas at Autin have crafted a dissolvabnle oral strip to combat pizza burns. Like the Listerine Pocketpacks that have saved so many a first date, these strips dissolve in your mouth, but instead of freshening your breath, these strips provide instant pain relief.
Well, physical pain, at least. Your girlfriend's still not coming back.
Wow, dissolvable oral strips have now cured us of bad breath AND pizza mouth burns. What other horrendous mouth problems might they solve next? I hope it's bad teeth. I really, REALLY can't get into a girl with bad teeth. Hey, we all have our hangups, okay? I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful girls who happen to have bad teeth.
I can't look at her without thinking of cows on a conveyor belt
being slaughtered by machines.
To me, this is one of the most impressive things science has ever done. Sure, we've been to the moon and cured Polio or whatever, but we all KNEW those were problems and were EXPECTING a solution. Curing pizza burns? Why, that's an uptick in quality of life NO ONE was expecting. It's why Christmas presents are always just a LITTLE bit of a let down...
Even if they're PERFECTLY suited to your gender.
.. while presents you get on any old random day are always awesome.
Even if it's whatever this is.
Are you excited to finally be free of pizza burns? Is that a term you've heard before? Pizza burns? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 20 'Special Request' Pizza Box Drawings!