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How to Not F#$@ Up Your Trick or Treating

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If you love candy as much as the statistics on diabetes in this country would suggest, Trick or Treating is still a pretty big deal. Do you know what kind of candy tastes the best? Free candy. Let me and my fun size heart try to help you and your friends bring in the biggest haul of your young lives.

 

Bring Someone Younger

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You want a shot at a full size bar from the neighbor with the inflatable spider in front? You bring this cute little sh%&t. Look at him. You put him on point in your trick or treat gang and you will get ALL of the candy. And since small children have the memory recall of sea kelp, I’m sure you can “redistribute the wealth” with little to no crying. Plus there are playgrounds all around your town full of them.

 

Don’t Look Your Age

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Honestly, I think it’s totally unfair that after High School it’s no longer socially acceptable to go trick or treating. Sure, you can just go to any store and STEAL the candy. But heaven forbid you put on a Scream mask and wave a machete around yelling, “death to all the piggly wigglies running up and down the lane” with assortment bags in each pit and they call the cops! Thank you Obama’s America!!! Where was I? Oh. Wear a mask dummy. Then you wont get hassled as much about your face pubes barring you from fun.

 

Pockets

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Whatever costume you have in mind, take a moment and consider this: pockets. You’re out all night, solemnly swearing to be up to no good. You’ve obviously got a pillowcase for the candy, but what about your cell or the neighbor’s garden gnome? You simply can’t put them all in once place! That’s where the pocket comes in. You’re welcome.

 

Shoes You Can Run In

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I know heels go with slutty (I have some expertise in this arena…sigh, check the bio) but nobody wants to hear you complain after the first block that your feet hurt. The sex offender a couple houses down will be just as psyched to see you bounce up to the door in Nikes. And remember, love works in mysterious ways.

 

Body Paint, Just Say No (Unless You Know A Pro)

The next two tidbits are actually just general Halloween advice that should be common knowledge for everyone. I know you think that that tube of Walgreens black paint that came in the jumbo set is going to turn out like this:

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But it’s far more likely you’ll end up like this:

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And don’t get me started on glitter. That stuff never comes off. I’ve had in my stool since 2001. You have to ingest glitter right? For an even coat?

Store Bought Costumes Are Fine

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Store bought accessories are fine but If you’re going to use the entire outfit out of the bag just stay home and leave this, the best holiday that isn’t Christmas, to the professionals.

 

 

Any pro-tips that made your trick or treating memorable? How about the best trick you ever pulled? Let me know on Twitter or leave a comment below! Good luck out there sport’s fans!

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