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Articles on this Page
- 08/06/12--13:38: _8 Fictional Places ...
- 08/06/12--14:16: _Bane's Tips for a R...
- 08/06/12--16:31: _8 Inexplicably Popu...
- 08/06/12--20:32: _Caption The Photo, ...
- 08/07/12--11:11: _Lil' Wayne Quits Ra...
- 08/07/12--12:50: _Real-Life Endings T...
- 08/07/12--14:54: _Celebrities That Sh...
- 08/07/12--16:37: _The 5 Least Useful ...
- 08/08/12--11:16: _Director Joss Wedon...
- 08/08/12--13:17: _10 Movies That Shou...
- 08/08/12--17:02: _10 Teachers You To ...
- 08/09/12--11:00: _New Hobbit Trailer!...
- 08/09/12--12:45: _7 Undiscovered Cana...
- 08/09/12--14:33: _The Very Best of FM...
- 08/09/12--16:54: _Japanese Wendy's to...
- 08/10/12--11:09: _Is President Bill C...
- 08/10/12--13:40: _8 Amazing Artworks ...
- 08/10/12--14:41: _The 8 Worst Pieces ...
- 08/10/12--16:41: _10 Hot Daughters Of...
- 08/11/12--13:15: _Caption The Photo, ...
- 08/06/12--13:38: 8 Fictional Places That Should Host The Olympics
- 08/06/12--14:16: Bane's Tips for a Relaxing Weekend!
- 08/06/12--16:31: 8 Inexplicably Popular YouTube Videos
- 08/06/12--20:32: Caption The Photo, Win A Shirt WINNER!
- 08/07/12--11:11: Lil' Wayne Quits Rap For Skateboarding?!
- 08/07/12--12:50: Real-Life Endings To 'Call Me Maybe' Situations
- 08/07/12--16:37: The 5 Least Useful Items in Legend of Zelda
- 08/08/12--11:16: Director Joss Wedon Back For Avengers 2, Marvel TV Show!
- 08/08/12--13:17: 10 Movies That Should Be Amusement Rides!
- 08/08/12--17:02: 10 Teachers You To Avoid On Your Schedule
- 08/09/12--11:00: New Hobbit Trailer! Sort Of!
- 08/09/12--12:45: 7 Undiscovered Canadian Singer/Songwriters
- 08/09/12--14:33: The Very Best of FML: Grocery Edition!
- 08/09/12--16:54: Japanese Wendy's to Serve LOBSTER Burgers?
- 08/10/12--11:09: Is President Bill Clinton A BRONY!?
- 08/10/12--13:40: 8 Amazing Artworks Created With School Supplies
- 08/10/12--14:41: The 8 Worst Pieces of Batman Merchandise!
- 08/10/12--16:41: 10 Hot Daughters Of Famous Rock Stars
- 08/11/12--13:15: Caption The Photo, WIN A SHIRT!
People always make such a big deal about where the next Olympics will be held. They always pick some boring place on Earth. They need to branch out and find some more exciting places to host the games so they aren't so boring. Here are Fictional Places That Should Host The Olympics!
Hoth from Star Wars
One of the main reasons for the Olympics is diplomacy. The general idea is that nations can come together to battle each other in sport so they don't have to go to war. Sure, holding the games on Hoth means that a few of the competitors will be eaten by Wampas, but that's a small price to pay for people between the Empire and the Rebel Alliance.
Bikini Bottom from Spongebob Squarepants
Everyone has become so obsessed with swimming this year. Why not just have every event under water?
The Mysterious Island from Journey 2
The coolest thing about this place is that big things are little and little things are big. That means instead of having horse events, all of the riders will have to ride giant bees. Luckily, the giant bees on this island are totally cool with people riding them. Just don't make it mad or you might get a stinger through your chest cavity.
Mordor from Lord Of the Rings
Gollum would probably confuse the Gold Medals for the One Ring and try to steal them. Of course, it wouldn't really matter because the evil Necromancer Sauron would turn all of the atheletes in to a zombie army.
The Capitol of Panem from Hunger Games
These games would be a little different in that there will be no Bronze or Silver Medals. The winner of the Gold will be the only person who survives each event.
The Matrix from The Matrix
This would be the only way you could get me to watch gymnastics. Of course, Skrillex would play the opening games.
Springfield from The Simpsons
Surprisingly, Springfield has never hosted an Olympic Games. In one episode, they were picked, but then the Olympic committee decided to move the games after Bart tells some offensive jokes. I mostly just want to see Groundskeeper Willie win every event by accidentally flashing the other competitors while wearing a traditional Scottish Kilt.
Hogwarts from Harry Potter
You might be thinking that Hogwarts is too small to host an Olympic games. I'm pretty sure that they could remedy this problem with a little something called magic. Seriously though, why is Quidditch not an Olympic sport yet?
What other fictional places should host the Olympics? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
When I, Bane, took control of Gotham, I chose to poison the soul of its citizens with hope before reducing their city to ashes. But as it turns out, my plan of sending them cowering into their homes and patroling the streets with armed guards did not prove as hopeful a situation as I had planned. And so, I would like to offer to you, THE PEOPLE, my tips to relieve some of the horrors of your workweek—Here is how you shall enjoy a stress-free weekend! LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
Go see a scary movie
I do not feel afraid while I watch a scary movie in the theaters, because it is not the time for fear. That comes later. Like when you're back home and about to go to sleep! EVERYthing seems like a monster!
Go to the batting cages! WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I wondered what would break first! Your spirit, or your record! Of thirteen consecutive hits!
Crash this plane. WITH NO SURVIVORS!
If you don't consistantly crash a plane WITH NO SURVIVORS, you risk losing your ability to crash a plane. WITH NO SURVIVORS!
Make ice cream soup!
Did you realize that stirring your ice cream will make it SOFTER? The only problms is that stirring it can me your arm... TIRED.
Take a class... in YOGA!
Only through yoga can you truly strengthen your body... and your mind. And then. When it is done. When yoga is... over... then you have my permission to fart.
Spend some time... at the DOG PARK!
There are such cute PUPPIES! How I WISH I could pet them ALL!
Stay in and order a pizza. No... Order TWO pizzas!
I am pizza's reckoning!
How will you employ these tips? Respond to the Twitter feed @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Some video's popularity on YouTube is incredible! And even though they are getting views in the hundred million range, you get it. They are music videos from the world's biggest pop stars, they star a cat or it's a kid biting his brother's finger. Okay, maybe what makes any YouTube video a success is still a little inexplicable. But the success of these 8 YouTube videos, makes absolutely no sense to me. Seriously, WTF?
Video Stroboscopy of the Vocal Cords
I'm gonna go out a limb here and assume there is some vagina curiosity related reason for this video's success. I don't even have to go that far out on a limb because a lot of the comments on this video are from guys who can't afford a fleshlight. Seriously, dudes...I hope you're trying to just be 'funny'.
It's like a poor man's Diet Coke and Mentos experiment. Only with a cute girl screaming what I think is 'NOOKIE! NOOKIE! NOOKIE! NOOKIE!' And like 200,000,000 million more views. I mean she's cute, but not that cute!
5 Little Ducks
If these numbers were about viewing the comments than I would completely agree with these numbers, because this is one of the most hilarious comment threads on YouTube. I'm just hoping all these Pedobear wannabe sounding guys are kidding. They're kidding, right?
Michel Teló - Ai Se Eu Te Pego - Oficial (Assim você me mata)
This dude makes Justin Bieber look like Kurt Cobain. I can only assume his mom watched this 408,992,859 times.
MEGALADON PREHISTORIC SHARK - but does it still exist
This video is the stuff of my nightmares. Not only is there annoying as hell music, but I friggin' hate sharks! Especially big a@@ scary ones that are supposed to be extinct. At least there was this comment to help lighten the mood: See this is what happens when whales and sharks f*@k each other. That's some serious science there, guy!
Jessica Alba & Hayden Christensen Use the Force
It seems pretty inexplicable that people would want to watch Hayden Christensen in anything after he almost single-handedly ruined the Start Wars franchise. I can only assume the thumbnail of him and Jessica Alba getting it on had something to do with the clicks. Too bad that 'scene' in the thumbnail is about 5 seconds of an incredible boring interview. Better luck next time fappers.
Justin Bieber Baby Chipmunks
This is like the opposite of a Reese's Peanut Butter cup, two horrible things that are more horrible together. It makes me feel like stabbing a pillow to death. The weird things is seeing comments from people who prefer this version to the original. DAFUQ?
The Glory Hole - Lake Berryessa
The best thing about this video is thinking of all the poor saps looking for a glory hole video. The worst thing is thinking of all the poor saps looking for a glory hole video still being turned on by this one.
Which video do you find the most inexplicably popular? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
This past weekend we asked you to come up with a funny caption for this athlete. After thousands of entries, we've unscientifically picked a winner! Sorry for the zillion people who made sandwich jokes, but we went with something else!
So congrats to Popagof, for coming up with the caption for this picture!
Thanks for all you funny submissions! Look for another contest later in the week!
We've all feared this day would come. Well, I'm sure someone feared it would come. Lil' Wayne has stated he's quitting rap, at least for now. His life had been consumed by skateboarding, and now Lil' Wayne has chosen to focus on that lifestyle. So yeah, hanging out all day at the skatepark—that's a grown-up way to want to live. At this point Lil' Wayne basically has the same life goals as an 8th grader.
Also on the agenda: buying goth pants and marrying his first girlfriend.
"I picked up the skateboard and I thought it'd be a hobby and what happened is it's a lifestyle." Lil' Wayne told Atlanta's HOT 107.9 radio station. "In order to be fully committed you have to live that lifestyle. ... Rap is taking a backseat to skating. I believe my fans deserve some peace from me. I'll be on my skateboard in the meantime." And look, knowing how saturated pop culture got with Lil' Wayne when he was making music, if he spends as much time on a skateboard as he did making music, he literally will be on a skateboard the entire time he's on hiatus.
"Just throw food at me and I'll catch in my mouth!"
But, he's devoting himself to the entirety of the skateboarding lifestyle. In the grand scheme of things, there are much worse subcultures he could have fallen into.
He could've joined the Legion of Doom, for instance.
For some reason, the internet is full of joy about the announcement. The prevailing meme on Reddit is Ice Cube driving, thinking "We landed on Mars and Lil' Wayne quit music. Today was a good day." So, I get that not a lot of people like Lil' Wayne, but why does anyone care? There are so many things that are great in the universe that youll NEVER have time to care about. Have you ever watched Friday Night Lights? Read Vonnegut? Eaten ostrich meat? There are so many awesome tings, internet, that we would enjoy but simply haven't had the time for, why would we waste our time gloating about something we don't like?
Seriously. It's better than any other rare bird.
What do you think about Lil' Wayne's departure? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out My Top Ten Problems With Lil Wayne's 'How To Love' Video!
“Call Me Maybe” has proven itself to be the song we love to love. We’ve spent all summer belting along in cars, concerts, and clubs, and we’re still not sick of it. (Maybe the YouTube response videos, but the song itself is timeless.) But have you ever stopped to examine why we like the song so much? …It’s our fantasy version of what we can do about having a crush. As long as the plot cuts off after those pristine three minutes, we don’t have to think about the inevitable rejection or awkwardness from pulling a “call me maybe.” Here’s how the situation would most likely play out in real life.
The Guy Does Call, It’s Awkward
It was really stupid of her to tell him to call. Nobody actually calls anyone anymore, unless it’s to report that an immediate family member has died. The girl was probably freaked out that the guy was using voice instead of text, so she only gave him one word responses. And then he didn’t feel like asking her out, so they just kinda chatted and ended the conversation with no plan for the future. Upon hanging up, the girl turned to her roommate, exasperated, and declared she was going back on OKCupid.
The Guy Doesn’t Call, The Girl Questions Verbiage
In her tenth analysis of the interaction, the girl realizes that in saying “maybe,” she might have led the guy to believe she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted this to happen. I mean, it’s possible the guy is insecure, and she was basically telling him there was a chance that he’d call, and she’d decide to reject him. What was she thinking? Maybe she should call him. Does he want her to call him?
The Guy Doesn’t Call, Girl’s Proposition Goes Viral
Either she handed him a “Call Me Maybe” business card, or his buddy was standing there with an iPhone. Somehow, there was a record of this interaction, and this girl became the next big internet joke. Maybe now she’ll learn to never ever let her guard down again.
The Girl Facebook-Stalks The Guy, Is Disillusioned
The girl went home to figure out the guy’s last name via a mutual friend, and she was delighted to find that he hadn’t updated his privacy settings in a long time. Ten minutes later, she was over him. He’s got more selfies up there than she does!
The Girl Gets Committed To A Mental Institution
It’s one thing to be self-aware that something you’re doing is crazy. It’s quite another to know what you’re doing is “crazy” and then repeat the same action over and over again. The guy told the girl’s parents that he was concerned, and she’s finally going to get the help she needs. Our hearts go out to her.
The Guy Becomes The Girl’s Male Prostitute
The economy’s really bad, you guys. And I’m just saying, if she has pennies and dimes for a kiss, you know there’s more where that came from. Looks like this is the beginning of a mutually beneficial commodities exchange.
Can you think of other ways in which “call me maybe” sitches might play out? Write them in the comments!
Didya hear? Loveable pothead Snoop Dogg ain’t Snoop Dogg no more. All y’all should now address His Snoopness as "Snoop Lion." Why, you ask? According to Mr. Lion, "I have always said I was Bob Marley reincarnated. I feel I have always been a Rastafari. I just didn't have my third eye open, but it's wide open right now." Snoop isn’t the only public figure that could benefit from putting some Visine in his third eye. The sooner the celebs on this list embrace their true selves, the sooner they’ll be, like, liberated from the madness that is society. Or whatever.
Lady Gaga, a.k.a. Madonna Two
Remember Gallagher, the watermelon smashing comedian from the 80’s? In the early 90’s, his brother started smashing watermelons for the sake of “entertainment” as well. The name he went by? Gallagher Two. It’s common knowledge that Lady Gaga is to Madonna as Gallagher Two is to Gallagher. She should just embrace it, maaaan.
Carly Rae Jepsen, a.k.a. Carly Rae Jetson
The beauty of “Call Me Maybe” lies in its absurdly, disgustingly catchy chorus. Carly Rae should continue the line of absurdity by re-branding herself Carly Rae Jetson, a human relative of the 60’s cartoon clan. ‘Cause screw it – nothing makes sense in pop culture anymore.
Lindsay Lohan, a.k.a. LiLonely
Miss Lohan desperately needs to embrace the fact that she will never be liked or relevant again and emerge, self-aware, as LiLonely. Afterwards, she can follow her true calling – wandering the halls of the Chateu Marmont alone, asking international businessmen if they'd like to buy her a drink.
Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Bonus Brit Brit
For the past few years, Miley’s desperately been trying to shed her good girl image and appear sexy by smoking pot, getting tattoos and generally just acting wild. Basically, she’s doing the same thing Britney Spears did when she was “not a girl, not yet a woman.” If Miley realized the coincidences that exist between her and Brit Brit – their comparable mediocrity at singing, acting and being southern – she could label herself Bonus Brit Brit, have some kids and an emotional breakdown, and start judging reality shows.
Kanye West, a.k.a. House Hubby
Remember when Kanye West used to rap? And was, like, really good at it? All he does now is post pictures of his girlfriend's ass on Twitter. Admit it, dude – you’re ready to settle down and raise a whole mess of large assed babies with your large assed girlfriend. There’s no shame in that. (Other than the obvious shame that’s in that.)
Kristen Stewart, a.k.a. Sad Girl
Ever since she got caught steppin’ out on Robert Pattinson, Kristen’s been really good at publicly acting sullen, remorseful, and plagued by demons. She should do that in movies...oh, wait. She already does. But if she changed her name to Sad Girl, everyone would know what they were in for when they saw her name on a marquee.
Nicki Minaj, a.k.a. Nicki Minaj
Just kidding; Miss Minaj doesn’t have to undergo a spiritual awakening. She's already the most self-aware person in pop music, in spite of being totally bat$#^t.
What other celebrities need to throw a monocle on top of their third eyes? Let me know in the comments!
To be honest, most items in The Legend of Zelda are useless. You get them in one dungeon, you use it to stun the boss, and then you use the sword, your only real item, to defeat him. But some are exceptionally useless.
Climbing device number one
Every Zelda game gives you some sort of claw—be it a Ocarina's hook shot, Wind Waker's grappling hook, or Twilight Princess' single clawshot—that is just set up for the real money—the longshot, cel-shaded hookshot, or double clawshot. Every minute you spend with these items is like the first ten minutes of a superhero origin movie. We're just counting minutes until the real show begins.
I also like that the Twilight Princess producers didn't know where to go after "clawshot", so when it came time to make the leveled up version of it they were just like "f*ck it, give him two. I gotta make all the decisions around here?"
Let me get this straight—you want to ruin the game's controls so that Link can go a little bit farther than he could by jumping? That's like throwing away a sausage, peperoni, and mushroom pizza because it's not a sausage, peperoni, mushroom, and extra cheese pizza.
Um, mirror shield? Do you understand the point of a shield?
You can tell an item has no place in your epic adventure when airlines hand it out so their brainless passengers have something to mindlessly chew on while the plane takes off.
When you get the slingshot, you use it to stun enemies before you attack them with your sword. Maybe half a temple later, when you get the boomerang, you use that to stun enemies before you attack them with your sword. So the slingshot is a DUPLICATE of a USELESS item. It's starting to read like Link could probably defeat Gannondorf with just a sword. By picking up all these unnecessary items, he basically becomes a homeless man. I wouldn't be shocked if the inventory screen in the next Zelda game was designed like a shopping cart.
Which item do you think is the most worthless? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
It was announced yesterday by Walt Disney Co. CEO Robert Iger that Avengers director Joss Whedon will be coming back in 2014 for the sequel. This greast news for everybody, because if there's one thing the internet loves, it's Joss Wedon.
And if there's one thing Disney executives love, it's money.
In addition to the film, Whedon will also create a TV show based in the Marvel universe. It'll be interesting to see what kind of adventures The Avengers get into with a TV budget since they can't afford to have aliens blow up New York City every week.
This week, Captain America discovers Ashley's
been cheating on him and Iron Man has to protect
an egg like a baby to pass Health class!
And this news, while not necessarily unexpected, is sure to bring a huge sigh of relief from Marvel fans. Let's be honest, with all those characters, all those plot threads, and the overall weirdness of mashing together different superhero worlds, The Avengers should have fallen apart. But Joss Whedon proved to be every bit as vital to that movie as Robert Downey Jr. and, uh, Hulk Actor combined.
"It's cool man. I know my name's not Hulk Actor."
Whedon's deft handling of character, pathos, metaphor, and humor held that movie together. Without Joss Whedon, The Avengers would've been as frantic and nonsensical as Super Smash Bros. except with less likable characters and a few more explosions. Although, it still wouldn't have had Marth, so there's that.
Nick Fury would never recruit Marth.
How excited are you for The Avengers 2? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out The Avengers if they were Real People!
Sometimes I feel like the last, decent Amurrcan who is still pissed about Universal Studios Stevie-nixing the Back to the Future ride. I mean I left some quality @danborrelli childhood in that thing and for them to demolish it so they can put up a Simpsons ride is like tearing down the Statue of Liberty to put up a McDonalds. Just leave it be! But all this got me thinking, what are some other movies that would make great amusement park rides? Well here’s ten.
10.) LORD OF THE RINGS
This has the potential to be the greatest ride in the history of rides. For the sake of this movie, and the rest of the list, we’ll ignore who owns the property rights and just say that in any park, these will all be epic. What would be great about this ride is it would be the first time the line was a real integral part of the experience. I mean think about it! All this movie was was waiting in line. We watched two digitally shrunken actors walk across their universe. We, as the audience, can take that same walk as we meet Gollum, find talking trees, and watch Sean Bean die. And when we get to the actual rollercoaster, we’re flown by Gandolf’s magic Falcon buddy all around the battle of Mordor as we try and destroy the ring. Who WOULDN’T ride this thing!?
9.) TOP GUN
Come on, how is this not a thing? This movie was MADE for a theme park ride! A large, thrilling, exciting, beach volleyball coaster of awesome! We could fly around shirtless dudes playing beach volleyball in a motorcycle while blasting Danger Zone. It would be epic!
8.) THE LAND BEFORE TIME
Dinosaurs. F*cking dinosaurs! And not like Jurassic Park where they’re real and scary and the whole thing is creepily self-aware. This would have to be a simulation ride where we hang out with Big Foot and friends as we try to avoid extinction. It would be exciting, and educational. Plus the tar pits provide like 30 nostalgia points alone. Who WOULDN’T line up around the block to go on a ride designed after an esoteric early 90s kids movie!?
7.) STAR TREK
So there are a few lame ones around the world but come on; with the reboot of the franchise and a cast of the most movie star movie stars the world has ever seen, how is this not the pinnacle of theme park attractions? Hear me out, J.J. Abrams directs the RIDE. While you’re on it! Just imagine the lens flair while an uber type-A Hollywood director screams at you to “find the source of your character’s anger.” But if you think nothing could top this, you’re forgetting one thing…
Let them draw first blood if it means we get to go on a thrill-ride fighting off a small town’s police force! The ride itself can be rickety and unstable, you know, as a metaphor for Rambo’s psychological state in a post-Vietnam Amurrca while he— You know what, I’m gonna do the rest of this list later. I have to go watch First Blood.
5.) FANTASTIC VOYAGE
Okay I’m back. Sorry, what the hell did I think this was? Some kind of a circus!? Anyway, Fantastic Voyage, the original Honey I shrunk Raquel Welch. This ride would be an incredible simulation ride as we travel through the human body. It would be education, and exciting. Plus, if we can hologram Tupac we might as well use our powers for good and bring back Raquel Welch. Seriously, google her, she won at genetics.
It’s an emotional rollercoaster. Get it… Do you get it? Do you get i—
3.) JAMES BOND
There was an attraction once, and now it’s gone. But as the opening ceremony of the Olympics proved, it’s certainly not a forgotten film franchise. Think about it, it’s a three tiered roller coaster. First we’re on land, in a car, zipping around turns and dodging bullets. Then we move onto the water and the coaster literally turns into a speed boat as we zip around turns and dodge bullets. Then we’re LAUNCHED into the air as we fly over the entire park zipping around turns and dodging bullets. Finally, we’re forced to parachute out and gracefully land right in the gift shop.
Awesome movie, better ride. They had one in Vegas but that doesn’t count because Vegas is where crystal meth goes to get fat and be sad. This could be a fantastic ride, however, in say a Disney Land. Because you could actually have a runaway bus. Sure it would be on a track, but it could have numerous routes taking the riders all around the park; every time with a different experience. You’d nearly crash into Pirates of the Caribbean one time, and almost take out Tomorrow Land the next. Also, another great albeit forced opportunity for a Raquel Welch hologram. You’re welcome Amurrca.
1.) SPACE JAM
It starts as a simulation ride, taking you back to Michael Jordan and the glory days of 90s basketball/cartoon hybrids. It takes us through the story as we let ourselves fall in love with the sport and Bill Murray’s sarcasm. Then we get LAUNCHED into outer space where we have to bring the game to the aliens with today’s basketball stars. We’re dunking with Lebron, hitting threes with Durant, getting in a brawl with Meta-world-peace-made-up-probably-has-a-serious-mental-problem. Did you know when Artest got drafted, he also tried work at a Circuit City and the NBA had to tell him that he couldn’t both work at Circuit City AND be an NBA superstar. Anyway, Space Jam would rock, and I’m glad it hasn’t been remade. But it would be fun to experience again in ride form.
What movies do you think would make awesome rides? Let me know by telling me on twitter @DanBorrelli or in the comments below
Yes. Teachers are the life blood of modern society. They educate the youth of the world today so that we can have a better tomorrow. And honestly, most teachers are great. Unfortunately, some are not so great. Here are Teachers You Want To Avoid On Your Schedule.
The Facebook Friender
This teacher wants to get way too involved in your personal life because they really want to be your friend. You guys get along so well in the classroom that to them it only seems like the logical next step to extend that friendship in to the cyberworld. They don't realize that friending a teacher is worse than friending your grandma. And then, the teacher gets to see all of the stuff your friends post to your wall. No one wants to comment where the teacher can see it.
This teacher lives by one mantra. Recently single and ready to mingle. They've been married to the same person for 15 years and now they're free. If you do wind up with this teacher, just make sure you're not alone with them because things can get really inappropriate really fast.
The Dress Code Cop
Shirt untucked? Go to the office. No belt? Go to the office. Wrong color socks? Go to the office. If you have this teacher, you're going to spend more time in the office than in the classroom. That will result in you flying way too high on the Principal's radar.
The Dumb Coach
Not all coaches are dumb. Some are very intelligent. Others only got teaching degrees because they thought it was the easiest subject in college while they made their way to the Pros. Dreams don't work out for everyone. Sure this might be the easiest pre-calculus class you've ever taken, but you're going to pay for it next year when all of your classmates look like they're writing in Martian and you still have to take your shoes off to count to 20.
The Depressed Drunk
Things just didn't pan out for this poor sap. Their plan was to teach for a year or two while they wrote the greatest novel ever written. You can see somewhere behind their sloshy eyes that there was once a smart, hardworking, caring person. All that's left now is someone who occasionally has to close the blinds and put on a movie because the light is just "too much."
The Old Virgin
They just haven't met the right person yet. That's because that right person has to be able to deal with massive body odor and the occasional roach that crawls out of their hair. If you do get stuck with this teacher, try to get a desk as far away from them as possible so their stink doesn't transfer to your clothes. You don't want to follow in their footsteps.
The Wannabe College Professor
This teacher starts every class by saying, "No, this isn't in the book. Yes, this will be on the test." I hope you didn't plan on going to a good college, because this class is going to permanently ruin your GPA.
The Fun Teacher
Expect to hear things like, "Ain't No Party Like A Science Party Cause A Science Party Don't Stop" and "Who Let Abe Lincoln Out? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?" at least twice a day.
The Creepy Art Teacher
Hello class. I've got a special treat for you today. We're going to be doing life drawing with a nude model. Unfortunately, the model that we paid cancelled so I will be filling in as the nude model. Let my essence wash over you and fill your artistic spirit with the soft glow of my naked form!
The Militant Band Director
Why do you need to do push-ups in marching band? After about a hundred or so puch-ups, your arms are way too tired to hold up that Tenor Saxophone for more than thirty seconds. And then you have to do more push-ups for not being able to play. It's a vicious cycle that you don't want to be a part of.
Which teacher do you want to most avoid? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Listen, whenever major news outlets start reporting that a new Hobbit trailer's been released, we here at Smosh ultimately have no choice but to cover it. I mean, right? It's Peter Jackson's big return to the Lord of the Rings universe! It's a big deal! But sometimes, I'll admit, we get a little hosed, and the quote unquote "new trailer" is basically the old one. I feel like I sent back a steak at a restaurant and instead of making me a new one they just microwaved the old one and gave it back to me with a new sprig of parsley.
I've seen this steak before.
The new footage, according to the Huffington Post, is seen at 0:23, when Bilbo reacts to Gandalf's reaction, 1:57 when he hides behind a tree or something, and 1:59 Gandalf and all the dwarves do some running. I went back to those time stamps and yeah, I guess they're new. Who can remember the last Hobbit trailer though? I watched it while I was in the middle of an episode of The Newsroom.
Almost everything I do I do while watching an episode of The Newsroom.
And here's the other problem. I don't understand what's happening in this trailer. There are maybe two words I understand and the rest is fantasy gibberish. For instance, when Gandalf is naming the dwarf guys, it seems like he's just making sounds with his mouth.
"This is Biggy, Liggy, Filly, Silly, Quorry, Jory, Hory, Chory, Simpy,
and Cameron. But we just call him Cam."
The big news from last week, of course, was that The Hobbit would be split into three movies as opposed to the originally planned two. So whenever Hobbit news comes out, all I can think about is what the third movie is going to be. Was the amount of story they had planned for the second movie just going to be cut and released in theaters the next year? Is The Hobbit 2 going to be half a movie? That's not how it's supposed to work! That would be like cutting Croutching Tiger, Hidden Dragon into two films.
"I mean, obviously I loved all the crouching tigers, but you're telling
me I have to wait until next summer for hidden dragons?" (source)
What did you think of the quote unquote "new" Hobbit trailer? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Lego Hobbits!
We here at SMOSH like to think of ourselves as taste makers. And part of the reason we have this inflated, overblown perception of what we do is because sometimes we receive e-mails asking for our help in promoting various artists, be they musicians, actors, or sidewalk chalk painters. Recently, I received just such an e-mail (okay, it was more like a letter scrawled on a truck stop napkin) from an agent claiming to represent lots of unknown Canadian singers, as well as a CD containing their debut singles. Because we almost never help these people out, I thought it might be nice (also, he promised me a huge chunk of the residuals) to give a review of 7 Undiscovered Canadian Singer/Songwriters:
John Doe Smith
"Hello" really lacks a point of view. Dealing is mostly vagueries, this song in which a young man greets a young (?) woman, then spends three minutes asking polite questions about things like the weather and traffic, never really finds a hook. Two stars.
"The Eagle Has Landed" is an odd song, hard to figure out as it sounds like the whole thing is written in some kind of code? I'm not sure, because after I listened to it once, the FBI broke down my door, grabbed the CD, and then got into a generic flowery delivery truck and drove off. Three stars.
Amelia B’Delia Hart
"If you've got a phone, use it, and specifically use it to call my number, which I'd like to give you, probably right at this moment, OH MAN I'M AWKWARD" is a song that, coming in at seventy-two minutes and fifty-nine seconds, maybe could have used some editing. In particular, the long stretches of crying followed by Amelia desperately wiling "Help me, Mother!" maybe could have been cut. Three stars.
The Tragically Hip
"New Orleans Is Sinking" These guys have a catchy style, and a bald frontman ala REM, so I hope they can pull it together and at least develop a cult following. Four stars.
"Just B'Cuz I'm 12 (Doesn't mean My Graphic Sexual Language Should Make You Uncum4table)" is an incredibly graphic tale of sexual misadventures. The demo labeled it 18+, but I wouldn't recommend it for anyone under twenty-seven. Five stars.
"Remember Me?!" is a song about someone I don't remember. He was in a movie called the Love something or other? Must have been and indie film. One star.
"Let's meet up, I'm the guy with a van" is a bit of an odd number. It features no background music, and is just a grave voice, desperately rattling off various items located in his white panel van while trying to seemingly cox the listener inside, metaphorically. In an ode to early-nineties gangster rap, it ends with police sirens. Three stars.
What undiscovered talent are you getting paid to plug? Let us know in the comments!
Have you ever, even once, had a good experience at the grocery store? There's an overwhelming amount of food, you spend way too much money, and none of the other shoppers know to keep moving and get out of the way. I'm shocked every FML isn't a grocery store FML.
The ole' switcheroo
Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML
He does have a tiny, tiny car
Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML
It was all... part of the plan
Today, I was bagging my groceries when I accidentally smacked myself in the face with a box of popsicles, giving myself a nose bleed. I found out that the cashier hates the sight of blood when she passed out behind the register. They called security on me. FML
Pull the ripchord
Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML
Thank you, stranger
Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML
You get sprung
Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML
What a blessed event
Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year old man with a beer belly. FML
He died doing what he loved
Today, I was trying to clean the belt of my register at work at a grocery store. I noticed two strips of rubber stuck in the corner of the belt, and after pulling on them periodically all morning one finally came loose. It was a foot. I had been pulling at a dead rat trapped in the belt. FML
They need to wear a sign to identify themselves
Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML
For more, check out FMyLife.com!
There are a few differences between thr United States and Japan. Like, at least seven. For instance, here in America, we don't have used panty vendy machines. Or Hello Kitty toyshops outnumbering grocery stores. We do have a sh*t ton of Starbucks though, so America isn't completely off the hook.
Hey, homeless people have to take baths too.
But the latest line in the sand between America and Japan has been drawn at fast food chain Wendy's, where the Japanese market has been introduced to lobster burgers.
Japanese Wendy's: Where elegance meets sadness.
Consisting of a single square meat patty and some strips of lobster, the aptly-named Surf and Turf burger will cost around 16 dollars. So does that seem like a lot? I mean, it is lobster, but think about all the other stupid garbage could the Japanese be spending that money on?
Why, that's like a half hour at one of those weird lonely cat cafes!
I honestly don't know which if this is a win for Japan or not. Sure, fast food lobster is one of the top five grossest ideas ever concocted by man, but at the same time, maybe throwing it on a cheap salty meat square is the very best way to consume lobster. I mean, what the hell does America know about seafood?
Our 7/11s sell sushi, so obviously nothing.
Would you try the lobster burger? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Totally Real Fast Food Products from Overseas!
No matter what your politics, I think we all can agree that former president Bill Clinton is kind of a rock star. Unless you're a hardcore hater, then you can't admit anything good about him. POO POO ON YOU! Well now comes the news that this former Rhodes Scholar and Most Powerful Man in the World is also ---wait for it---A BRONY!?! I guess when he's not busy trying to save the world through his foundation or massaging the Secretary of State's shoulders after a tough day on the job, he's hitting it up with Applejack! Makes me feel slightly better about my Toddlers and Tiaras obsession. But not really.
Applejack. You know he'd hit that.
Clinton's recently taped appearance on the NPR radio show, Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me! is making Bronies feel all kinds of legit. One of the show's most popular segments, called Not My Job, quizzes famous people on subjects you would assume they know nothing about. The show's host, Peter Sagal, thought for sure he would stump the former Prez with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Trivia. WRONG! Clinton aced all three questions, making Bronies all of a sudden more awesome for me.
Clinton impressed the panel and audience alike, with his knowledge of Cutie Marks, Rarity's love of makeovers and his quick identification of Pony nemesis, the evil Nightmare Moon. And in the process he may have forever squashed society's mean-spirited stereotype of Bronies being nothing more than fleshlight-loving, basement-dwelling, creepy dudes who may possibly murder you one day. Well, maybe that stereotype hasn't been completely eradicated. A man can only do so much people!
Of course it is completely possible that he may not be a Brony, it may be that he's just an incredibly gifted guesser. Although I don't think it would hurt for other politicians to maybe jump on the Brony bandwagon. Come on Obama! You need to go after every voting demographic you can!
What do you think of this surprising revelation? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
School supplies are good for things like math or maybe writing down answers on a science test, but what if they could be used for more? No, not tiny wooden swords… I’m talking about ART. The visionary artists below took at look at normal everyday school supplies, and turned them into something amazing. Here are 8 amazing artworks made out of school supplies!
Pencils – life size dude
See that man? He’s actually made of colored pencils and zip ties. Instead of using his writing instruments to fill out scantrons, Columbian-born artist Federico Uribe fastens thousands of pencils together to make sculptures. He’s also created portraits out of shoe laces, and metal plants out of gardening tools. Remind me not to lend him and pencils, shoes laces, or gardening tools.
Paperclips – Chandelier
If you have thousands of dollars, you can by this chandelier from designer Gary Ponzo. If you have thousands of hours, you might be able to make you own, since it’s made of the common household paperclip. I don’t either, so I guess I’ll stick to my normal LED flashlight inside a white plastic bag.
Scissors – Spider
Probably the most dangerous art on this list, industrial artist Christopher Locke created this spider from recycled scissors confiscated at airport security checkpoints. I guess a lot of people try and get huge scary scissors onto planes? So there’s that to think about.
Rubber Bands - Fruit
I like the idea of someone trying to eat one of these. Or better yet, throwing the apple at the doctor. That’ll keep that jerk away. These were created by rubber band artist Donna McLeod. Oh man, I wish I knew that job existed when I was deciding on a career.
Staples – Manhattan
Artist Tofi Stoler created this teeny-tiny Manhattan using only staples. Surprisingly, finding parking in Staples Manhattan is easier.
Paperclips – this guy
Italian artist Pietro D’Angelo makes striking life-sized sculptures using paper clips. When you are made of school supplies you don’t have to worry about grass stains on your suit.
Crayons - Ferrari
Using tens of thousands of everyday crayons, Herb Williams creates wax renditions of everything from dresses to Elvis to wildfire (for real). And you thought coloring inside the lines was impressive.
Everything – tiny X-wing
Less fine art, and more do-it-yourself (see the instructions here), this is just a reminder that even the non-geniuses among us can make our art with a little imagination and a few things lying around the house. I should start on my rubber band Death Star
These artists clearly have plenty of pencils and paperclips and rubber bands, but for a lot of students, they don’t even have money to get enough supplies to get through the school year. Please check out Staples For Students and see how easy it is to help kids in need. You could even win supplies signed by Disney Channel star Bella Thorne. Check it out!
Batman, show us on the doll where the merchandiser stole your shame. Here are a few inappropriate merchandise items that figuratively broke the Bat’s back (don’t worry, one punch and he’ll be right as rain)!
Make sure you point this in someone’s face, that’s how they know you really like them.
Batman is anti-gun. End of story.
I always wondered if Alfred made some money on the side.
For hotboxing the batwing.
It says Dick because that’s his name…but it also says dick. Let’s all rejoice!
This isn’t inappropriate so much as sad. At least mine comes with a working utility belt where I keep my Combos.
It’s a little too inappropriate for Smosh. Let’s just say, it exists and “rises” to the occasion. Wink ,wink. Nudge, nudge. Nod, nod. Say no more.
A Very Happy Happy Meal Toy
There’s nothing like a kung fu grip, amirite batmaniacs?
See anything you like? Let us know in the comments!
And make sure to follow me on Twitter. Because nothing says love like following someone you don’t know on Twitter.
DAYUM! Rock stars have some pretty HOT daughters! I'm thinking it's because they pretty much exclusively date supermodels and strippers. That's gotta up the foxy factor, yes? Whatever the reason, it's probably the only time in a rocker's life when he doesn't hit on a sexy lady. Here's a look at 10 of the hottest rock star daughters around!
Minka is the only child of former Aerosmith guitarist Rick Dufay and exotic dancer mom, Maureen. Good thing she found success in acting, cause her name is very stripper-y. I mean exotic dancer-y! Wouldn't want to take away from the 'art form'.
Daughter of AC/DC bassist Cliff Williams, Erin has found her own fame after appearing on the MTV reality show, The City. Now she seems to spend most of her time making sexy poses for Maxim magazine. Her specialty is inappropriate-seeming lollipop pictures.
Lily Collins is daughter of former Genesis frontman, Phil Collins. But she's for sure making her own mark in the acting world, having recently starred opposite Taylor Lautner in Abduction and the Snow White movie without Kristen Stewart. Hopefully she soon finds a role that makes us forget those two stinkers.
Being the daughter of Bush lead singer, Gavin Rossdale and stepdaughter of Gwen Stefani is some kind of rock star pedigree! Daisy is also famous for being a model that loves of posing topless. Perhaps she'll spawn her own illegitimate rock star child soon? Seems likely.
Daughter of Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler, Liv has definitely stepped out of her father's shadow. Not only is she a big time hottie, she's also a big time movie star. She played Arwen in Lord of the Rings for chrissakes! On a side note one of my dreams is to be in a love triangle with Boromir and Aragorn. Can't wait to go to sleep tonight!
Georgia May Jagger
Mick Jagger's daughter is pretty friggin' sexy, amirite? She has lips that the Real Housewives casts can only dream of getting with all their collagen injections!! Hey ladies, money can't buy you hot lips, but it can buy you anus-looking lips. FYI.
Daughter of rocker Lenny Kravitz and actress Lisa Bonet, Zoe is pretty much drop-dead gorgeous. She could get any guy she wants but has chosen to hook up with Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley. Ummm... okay. TEAM NATE, fool!
I don't wanna hear from the haters, you know she looks good! Plus she's got personality. Which I can't vouch for with most of the hotties on this list.
Daughter of rocker Lisa Marie Presley and granddaughter of The King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley? Doesn't get much cooler than that! Like many on the list, Riley is also a model/actress. I need to get a /second career! It makes you sound so in demand!
She is so old time movie star looking it's ridiculous! LOVE HER! Plus she's smart. I don't have anything snarky to say about her. You just have to admire anyone who grows up with Courtney Love as a mother and has her head pretty much on her shoulders. That was snarky about Courtney and not Frances, right?
Who do you think is the hottest? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
I don't know if this pic shows someone who is super-dedicated to their training or super-obsessed with their cell phone. WHICH IS IT? Give us a funny caption for this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!
If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 8/13/12 will not be considered. Good luck!