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Articles on this Page
- 02/19/13--17:22: _Stuff I Do Now That...
- 02/20/13--11:18: _Shark Girl Goes Swi...
- 02/20/13--12:27: _6 Coolest Made-Up S...
- 02/20/13--14:44: _Artist Creates Gory...
- 02/20/13--17:34: _6 Daily Rituals You...
- 02/21/13--11:37: _Mom Gets Son Stripp...
- 02/21/13--12:57: _The Emotions I Went...
- 02/21/13--15:25: _7 Mediocre Celebrit...
- 02/22/13--13:47: _8 Funniest Characte...
- 02/22/13--15:06: _5 Actors *Almost* C...
- 02/23/13--09:54: _Taturday! Unicorn T...
- 02/24/13--12:34: _Hilarious Amusement...
- 02/25/13--11:32: _'Friend Zone' Now A...
- 02/25/13--12:33: _6 Romantic Lessons ...
- 02/25/13--14:32: _7 Worst Types Of Po...
- 02/25/13--16:45: _8 Least Scary Horro...
- 02/26/13--11:14: _Harlem Shake Video ...
- 02/26/13--13:30: _6 Consequences if '...
- 02/26/13--14:48: _15 INSANE Russian D...
- 02/26/13--17:10: _6 Ways To MAKE More...
- 02/19/13--17:22: Stuff I Do Now That Would Have BLOWN MY MIND as a Fourth Grader
- 02/20/13--11:18: Shark Girl Goes Swimming with GREAT WHITE SHARK?!
- 02/20/13--12:27: 6 Coolest Made-Up Sports
- 02/20/13--14:44: Artist Creates Gory Zombie Teddy Bears! [Pics]
- 02/20/13--17:34: 6 Daily Rituals You Wish You'd Never Started Doing
- 02/21/13--11:37: Mom Gets Son Strippers For His 16th Birthday
- 02/21/13--12:57: The Emotions I Went Through as the PlayStation 4 was Announced
- 02/21/13--15:25: 7 Mediocre Celebrity Poets!
- 02/22/13--13:47: 8 Funniest Characters In Video Games
- 02/22/13--15:06: 5 Actors *Almost* Cast On Disney Channel Shows
- 02/23/13--09:54: Taturday! Unicorn Tattoos!
- 02/24/13--12:34: Hilarious Amusement Park Ride Freak Outs
- 02/25/13--11:32: 'Friend Zone' Now A Word According To The Dictionary
- 02/25/13--12:33: 6 Romantic Lessons From Video Games
- 02/25/13--14:32: 7 Worst Types Of Posts People Are Still Making On Facebook
- 02/25/13--16:45: 8 Least Scary Horror Villains
- 02/26/13--11:14: Harlem Shake Video Gets Teens Suspended
- 02/26/13--13:30: 6 Consequences if 'Star Wars' Gadgets Were Real
- 02/26/13--14:48: 15 INSANE Russian Dashboard Camera Videos
- 02/26/13--17:10: 6 Ways To MAKE More Time In Your Life for Video Games
When you're a kid, you don't have a lot of control over your life. You watch grown ups — your teachers, your parents, your senators — and think that they can do whatever they want all the time, and how GREAT it would be to have that power. Well, I went through that, and I've come out on the other side, shocked at how much awesome stuff I can do in my life! These are the things I'm doing these days that would have blown my mind as a fourth grader.
Play hours and hours of video games at a time
When I was in fourth grade, and I had math AND science homework, I knew the entire time that I would have no chance of playing video games that night. Now that I'm an adult, I can spend an entire DAY playing video games if I want. And why not? Is my mom going stop me? She lives in Florida! Is the government going to stop me? It's called the First Amendment, guys. Is the power company going to stop me? Yeah, the power company might stop me. I wonder if my mom will pay my power bill again this month, and also from now.
Own a laptop
I'm aware that I'm amongst the last generation that is going to feel this way, but back in fourth grade, I had a math teacher who had a laptop and he seemed like a god. Now I have a laptop of my own, and it's one of many things, along with staying up late on nights before I have to go to work, that made me realize I am finally in control of my own destiny. I now understand what my math teacher understood. I understand what it is to be God. And apparently God gets really tired on workdays.
Buy a puppy
When I was growing up, I wanted a dog so bad, but my parents said I couldn't have one. They suspected I would be too impatient to train a dog, but they were wrong. Now, my dog Marcus doesn't bite if you yell "NO" at him over and over and over again like I always see everyone do at tog park. Some say this is because dogs don't understand English. To that, I say, uh, nah. He'll get it. Eventually.
Drive a car anywhere I want to go
I used to have to ask my mom to drive me wherever I wanted to go. Now I just hop in a car of my OWN and drive. That is, assuming my car is working — it's been doing this thing lately where it overheats and just grinds after I shut it off, trying to cool down. I should probably bring it to the mechanic, but that isn't one of the places I want to go! Let's see if my car can make it to Yogurtland. It's just around the block but it might be the last drive it ever makes.
Not talk to my friends basically ever
Man, I sure did like hanging out with my friends in fourth grade. I wonder what they're up to. I should call them. But what would we talk about? My latest discoveries vis a vis microwave chicken tenders?
Eat pizza for every meal
Did you know pizza will come right to your door exactly 45 minutes after you start thinking about it? It's the BEST! I don't have to eat ANYTHING besides pizza anymore if I don't want to! Sure, I've put on a few pounds, but it's my CHOICE to eat pizza every meal, since I'm an adult and I get to make these choices for myself!
Oh my God. How did this happen? How did I get here? Did I really NEED all those limitations? Would the things I'm doing now blow my mind because I had never seen another adult live like this? Maybe the reason is because the adults who live like this don't live long enough for me to see them.
Oh God I have to call my mom and see if I can move back in with her, or I am going to die VERY soon.
What are you doing these days that would've seemed impossible in fourth grade? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
There is no creature more frightening than the great white shark. It has razor sharp teeth, beady, soulless eyes, and doesn't ever sleep because it's too busy killing. So why did conservationist Ocean Ramsey make a video of herself swimming with nature's most potent death machine? Well, she wanted to prove that maybe great whites aren't as murder-prone as we all thought. OR the shark could just be trying a new tactic, like Ra's al Ghul tried killing Gotham with economics rather than fire. Perhaps this shark is killing Ocean Ramsey with kindness.
Kindness is just about the least effective method of killing.
So let's talk about sharks for a minute. Ramsey wanted to show "that this is what they're really like — not the Hollywood movie where you put a drop of blood in the water and the animals go crazy." But I don't get how Ramsey discovered this in the first place. The first time she went swimming with sharks, what made her think she wouldn't be immediately eaten? Who instructed her to just find out if sharks are actually monsters? Because simply hopping in the water with the most dangerous creatures, at least mythologically, human beings have ever seen is far from a good idea.
The only reason we should ever go swimming with sea monsters is to get the
"Can the Eel Come Out to Play" star from Jolly Roger Bay.
But Ramsey might be working in its goal to reshape our assumptions about sharks. Once I saw this particular great white acting so nice, I looked up the number of shark attacks in the United States, and found that they're actually at a ten year low. And besides that, there was only one shark-related fatality reported last year. That means that, last year, as many people died from shark attacks as they did from planking.
Let's see Spielberg make a terse thriller out of THIS.
So, maybe I was wrong. Maybe sharks aren't quite the analog to the Angel of Death I thought they were. I'm glad I saw Ocean Ramsey's video, because as economist John Maynard Keyes once said, "There is no harm in being sometimes wrong — especially if one is promptly found out." I hope sharks can look past my ingrained biases, and maybe we can even be friends.
"Ha ha ha! No YOU'RE it!"
Are you willing to turn around your views on sharks? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Animals I Would Recruit if I Was Starting an Animal Justice League!
Over the years movies, TV shows, books, and even comics strips have introduced completely made-up sports either for fun, to help better define a fictional universe, or because a lot of movie, TV, book, and comic writers aren’t really good at actual sports. But that doesn’t mean these pastimes sound any less fun to play, so long as you realize no health plan in the world will cover your almost certain serious injuries…
Like a Reese’s Cup that brings together peanut butter and chocolate, Quidditch from the “Harry Potter” books and movies finally combined the two great tastes of “lacrosse” and “low-flying aircraft” to create a British sport that—unlike cricket, rugby, or watching televised dart matches—could finally be explained and enjoyed by non-English natives, so long as they didn’t mind running around their backyard with their mom’s good broom or Swiffer.
Wish baseball was a little more exciting or at least combined elements of both paddleball and pinball? All you have to do is be frozen 1,000 years like Fry in “Futurama” to experience Blernsball. Using a ball attached to the field via a large rubber band, a special hole that shoots countless more balls in mid-play, batters who get to ride “Tron” cycles, pitchers brought in on giant tarantulas, and mandatory steroids, “Blernsball” may be just the thing you need to make your parents actually want to attend your Little League games, as opposed to lying about enjoying watching you play like they do now.
Over its many versions “Star Trek” has introduced fans to countless sports no reasonable person would want to play, from Parrises Squares (a mallet, a ramp, and a couple of idiots) to Tsunkatse (kickboxing with taser harnesses) to realizing you can’t really play Water Polo on a holodeck. But the series upped the stakes with Anbo-Jyutsu, a fake Japanese pastime considered “the ultimate form of martial arts” because opponents beat each other with large drink stirrers while blind in an on-ship arena that can best be described as “a significant waste of space that should have been rented out to make some extra cash instead.”
Created in a moment of sheer boredom by Chandler and Joey on “Friends,” Fireball involves a small ball, oven mitts, and lighter fluid. The later version Ultimate Fireball involves a bowling ball and a blowtorch. Had the episode run an extra ten minutes viewers would have witnessed the creation of Premium Fireball, no doubt involving a medicine ball, high-grade explosives, and the untimely detonation of Central Perk.
In a future where the world is ruled by corporate states (but fashion and hairdos never got past 1975), Rollerball (from the 70’s film of the same name) was created as an alternative to warfare and a means to crush individual spirit (which previously had been accomplished with grade-school Dodge Ball). Resembling a hyper-violent version of Roller Derby for guys, it features a magnetic ball, circular track, motorcycles, body armor, perhaps fire, and a death rate so high it could only have been one-upped if the controlling states had introduced a competition called “Grizzlies Vs. Toddlers.”
The rules of Calvinball (from the comic strip “Calvin & Hobbes”) are as simple as they are bewildering—All players must wear a mask and occasionally burst into song; new rules can be made up at any time, even silently, depending on which zone you’re in; the zones can appear or disappear at any point depending on player’s whim; the calvinball can be used for whatever purpose the player sees fit, so long as it embarrasses his or her opponent; scores often end in “oogy to boogy.” In short, Calvinball is the perfect sport for anyone who doesn’t want to play sports but has a backyard, several flags, and some croquet wickets that can be used to fracture time.
What's your favorite made-up sport? Let us know in the comments below!
Since I'm so stunted emotionally, I own a lot of teddy bears. Some wore little bowties, some have hearts on their tummies, and some even say "I love you!" when they're squeezed.
These bears are different.
This bear only says "The worst nightmares are the ones you have
when you're awake!" and I didn't even squeeze it.
Illustrator Phillip Blackman created a line of zombie teddy bears, or "Undead Teds", as he's dubbed them. Some of the bears hold their hearts on the outside, some have their mouth flesh ripped away, exposing their teeth. The first was made a few weeks before Valentine's Day, and since posting to Etsy, Blackman has been unable to keep up with demand for the bloody little guys. Blackman summed up the popularity of the bears, saying "there are always people who like the macabre". And that makes sense, I suppose, since Tim Burton is still making movies.
Can someone get this guy some Skittles or something?
Blackman sells the bears from between 70 and 140 dollars and spends about 2 days making each one. At least one major toy company has asked him to make 100 bears for more than his usual asking price, but Blackman turned them down. He apparently wants to limit the zombie bears to those who have already entered into the Etsy que. It's like that iOS Mailbox app — the only way you're getting one of these is to wait in the Etsy line, pal.
Waiting in line for an app is like Christ waiting in purgatory. It is NOT
what I've been lead to believe is supposed to happen.
I'll be honest, these zombie bears make me feel kind of sad. For one, there are so many alive teddy bears that need homes. But also, simply seeing them mangled does kind of turn my stomach. Clearly these nice animal friends who just want to be LIKED by you met with a terrible, violent end. And that' isn't a good way for a friend to go out. As I scrolled through the Undead Ted tumblr, I was forced to ask myself — What did I do to deserve seeing bears like this?
Oh right. All the sins.
Are you going to order one of these monster bears? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out These Dudes Who've Been Playing A Game Of Tag... For 23 Years!
People like to do the same stuff over and over. It’s comforting. But much like a comforter that you use over and over without thinking to examine if it needs to be washed, habits can be detrimental to our well being. Here are some sneaky daily rituals to watch out for.
Getting To School With Only One Minute Or Less ‘Til The Bell
Believe it or not, how good you look in the morning directly corresponds to how early you arrived at school. The longer you’re there before the tardy bell, the better – if you’re early, that means you made a concerted effort to get out of bed when your alarm rang (er, after snooze bar #1). You probably had time to blow dry your hair AND find the clean pants. If you’re rolling up to class with no time to spare, that’s going to have had less to do with you spending time perfecting your curling iron technique and everything to do with you sleeping until the last possible second.
Just Eyeballing How Much Water You Put In Your Oatmeal
It takes very little effort to bust out the measuring cup, but for whatever reason, when you switched your morning routine from cereal to oatmeal, you decided you also wanted to test your skillz as a liquid guesser. Three months later, it continues to be hit or miss as to whether you’re going to have a soggy breakfast. What a risky way to start the day!
Combing Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, Weather, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat, Etc. Within A Minute Of Waking Up
Yes, all these things contain vital information for our everyday lives [name that old Nick show in the comments!], but checking these sites/apps while you’re still in the process of waking up can inadvertently freak you out. Your beloved mother isn’t even allowed to talk to you first thing in the morning; why would you want to give everyone in the universe access to your brain?
Checking Your Face For Signs Of Clogged Pores
Trust me. They’ll be there. And what you do next will NEVER help the cause.
Sending A Text To Test Your Crush’s Response Time
You know that thing when you send an open-ended question to your crush and he takes an hour forty to respond even though that little “Read” sign came up right away? What was he doing that was so important?! Was he trying to tell you something in making you aware that he doesn’t feel compelled to respond to you in a timely manner? You need some more data to figure out the answer to these questions, but you’ll need to wait ‘til tomorrow to try again, lest you seem “texty.” Texting was the worst thing ever invented sometimes.
Watching Breaking Bad/Homeland/Downton Before Bed
Maybe you could’ve fallen asleep shortly after hitting the mattress, but you’ve somehow convinced yourself that you can’t drift off without unwinding to some quality television (--television because a feature-length movie at that time of night would be crazy; everyone knows that!) So you turn on Breaking Bad/Homeland/Downton Abbey, and five hours later, you’re red-eyed and terrified to fall asleep for fear that something terrible will happen to one of the Crawley sisters.
What other daily rituals do you wish you’d never started? Let us know in the comments!
Judy Viger is the type of Mom anyone would want to have. You want a Mom that knows how to throw you a great birthday party. One that will delight and surprise you. And Judy Viger, when it comes to throwing great, surprising birthdays, f*cking takes the cake.
This is the kind of typical ordinary kind of crap birthday you get when Judy Viger isn't your mom.
The Huffpost reported today that Judy Viger put a great deal of thought into her son's 16th birthday plans. She said to herself, "Judy, what would you want if you were a sixteen year old boy." And after some real soul searching she came up with the exact right answer:
Sixteen year old boys like in order: 1. Strippers 2. Strippers 3. Pokemon 4. Strippers
Judy Viger, 33, should have been awarded Mom of the Year, however instead she was arrested on five counts of endangering the welfare of a child. Because, as any sixteen year old will tell you, there is nothing they find more dangerous than a hot woman gyrating at them.
Apparently some of the kids at the party were as young as 13. The company that made the deal to send the strippers says that none of the strippers knew anyone at the party was underage. Now I may not know much about stripping myself, but I find that suspicious. I feel like if I was a stripper grinding on a 13 year old boy I would know he was not a 37 year old guy in a trench coat like I was used to. If only because of how I would keep having to bump his Nintendo 3DS out of the way with my ass.
"And here to give a big happy 2nd birthday to the twins, here's DIAMOND dancing to their favorite band MEGADEATH!"
How many strippers do you plan to have at your next birthday party? Let us know in the comments below!
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Yesterday, Sony revealed its next-generation console, the PlayStation 4, and I watched it in a goddamn fervor. Man, we were going to hear new things about video games! I don't know if you guys know this, but video games are the best. So while I went into this press conference with my expectations at an all time high, I went through a WIDE range of emotions, which I will now describe for you, so you can know that I'm confident enough in myself to talk about my feelings in a public forum. Here are the emotions I went through as Sony announced the Playstation 4.
Pure joy as Sony announced it would be called the Playstation 4
It was during the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and Halo: Reach days that I fell out of BOTH of those franchises, waiting for the official, canonical 4th entry in the series. If the new Sony console was called "Orbis" or simply "Playstation", as was rumored leading up to the event, we would never be able to shake the thought that this new system wasn't the TRUE successor to the Playstation 3. No, the new Sony console would seem like a pretender that no one really wanted around, like that dude who keeps coming to your parties in neon green sunglasses and two collared shirts or every United States president since Lyndon Johnson.
Mild, expected disappointment when I saw the new controller
Of course the Playstation 4's controller was going to be the Dualshock with a touchpad. That was to be expected. But man, I was still holding out hope that at least the left joystick would switch places with the d-pad, or best case, both sticks switch places with the d-pad and face buttons, a la the Wii U.
I know, I know, we've all used Dualshock controler for a long time, but this is Stockholm syndrome — we mainly use the joysticks to play games, and our hands would be far more comfortable if they were in the positions at which our thumbs naturally rest. And I say this not to bash Sony, but as a person who has human hands and not the craggily, broken hands of a witch.
Guarded excitement watching Killzone Shadow Fall announcement
Killzone Shadow Fall — which I can't imagine will get out of the PR department without being renamed Killzone Sh4dow F4ll — looks amazing, but I'm weary about uncontrollable gameplay videos at this point. The Playstation 3 was announced with a Killzone 2 video that proved to be, well, less that honest.
And remember, Aliens: Colonial Marines looked great in videos, but when you bought it and opened up the case instead of a game disk there was a cloud of insects that all flew into your mouth and gave you the disease you fear the most.
Literally nothing during the announcement of DriveClub
I'm sure some people will be super into DriveClub, but me? Nothing. It was like my grandfather's funeral up in there. Not a damn thing.
Anger at the Sucker Punch guy who announced Infamous Second Son but was all "Who amongst you will have the bravery to fight for our freedom?"
Hey, guy form Sucker Punch? How about you quit shaming me for not being so punk rawk that I want to attack every police officer I run across, huh? I'm sorry you got tear-gassed in 1999 for protesting all the wars we were involved with in 19 goddamn 99, but there's a time to be anti-authority and it's called high school.
Holy Christ an overwhelming love for The Witness
If you take the built-up good will from Braid and combine it with the interesting things creator Jonathan Blow spoke of, like a dense, important open world and the distillation of the ephemeral concept of epiphanies, and you literally get the greatest game of all time.
I heard purchasing The Witness is like eating ice cream on a sweltering day. I heard that the working title for The Witness was "The Feeling of What the World Would Be Like if Santa Was Real". I heard that purchasing The Witness causes that swarm of Aliens: Colonial Marines bugs swarms around you, but instead of giving you the disease you fear most, it goes out and finds that girl you've been crushing on and convinces her to give you a chance.
Every emotion ever during the Media Molecule 3D sculpting demo
At first I was happy to see Media Molecule, creators of Little Big Planet, talking about a new game. Then I was mad they were focusing on the Move controller. Then I was impressed when I saw what they were doing with their 3D sculpting tech. Then I was overjoyed when I realized how fun that music scene looked. Then I was sad because it reminded me of Rock Band, and the knowledge that Rock Band is a thing of the past. Then I got even sadder when I remembered how much my grandfather loved me and for the very first time began to experience his death. And then finally, I was super stoked to see what else Media Molecule might do with the Playstation 4!
Despair at the overall length of that press conference
Sony went on to show Watch Dogs, and Diablo 3, and Destiny, but by that point the conference had been on for like 11 hours and I had to go to bed. It was exhausting having all these emotions! Is this what people who aren't dead on the inside feel ALL THE TIME?
How did you feel watching the PlayStation 4 announcement? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Gawd, it must be SO cool to be a celebrity. To have people fawn over you all the time, offer you sexual favors in exchange for Instagram photos with “their girls”, and buy you top shelf cocktails has got to be heaven on Earth. People treat celebrities like they’re infallible – it’s no wonder, then, that they all have god complexes. In fact, some of ‘em are so delusional, they think they’re artists. (I know, right?!?) Stars that fancy themselves poets are the worst of the bunch. I mean, get a look at this “art”.
In 1990, approximately two decades before Uncle Charlie showed the world he was “winning” by getting fired, banging pornstars and snorting smack, The Sheenster self-released a book of his own poetry, poetically titled "A Piece of My Mind." Lines in the (thankfully slim) tome include gems like “Turtle, android, pain / Endeavor, endless, end” and “All eyes held in stare, all mouths locked open in shock, as he pulled the latex Charlie Sheen mask from his head, revealing the rotted skull of President Lincoln.” NOTE: This was written BEFORE the drugs ruined his brain.
The baby genius himself recently wrote a poem for President Obama’s inauguration entitled “Obama in Asheville.” The needlessly long, fantastically narcissistic epic name-drops famous folks like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Claire Danes; it also does a fantastic job of making the momentous occasion that was the kicking off of Obama’s second term all about the the star of Spring Breakers (in theaters soon!). It’s probably the only poem in existence that contains the line, “I went to class and then the little burrito place where they know me.”
Rosie uses her blog as a safehouse for her grammatically incorrect musings – poems there cover subjects like motherhood, Pink’s musical oeuvre, what it feels like to have a heart attack (“my skin was clammy / i was very very hot / i threw up”) and how cool Dr. Oz is (“ok so yesterday we filmed dr oz / who is perhaps the kindest man ever born / a guy who truly cares / i love him"). I worry Rosie may have took a few too many Koosh balls to the head during her talk show years.
Sean Penn, a.k.a. The Guy Who Saved New Orleans and Haiti, saw himself as a real deep and brooding character back in the day (not that he doesn’t now, of course). In the mid-80s, the former Mr. Madonna Ciccone published a few of his poems in a now defunct literary journal called Long Shot; the best by far was entitled “This Water’s Cold,” and contained the lines, “what is this on my chin...? / it’s f**king s**t, man / allright / f**k this / f**k it / give me a f**king shower. / (OH F**K THIS WATER’S COLD.)”
When Brit Brit gets upset, she doesn’t just lock herself in a bathroom and caterwaul (although, in fairness, she does a great deal of that) – she expresses her feelings via the timeless art of poetry. She once wrote a poem to her mother, entitled “Dear Mama,” that made the poor matriarch break down in tears on the set of “Zoey 101”. When she broke up with baby daddy K-Fed, her poem "Remembrance of Who I Am" graced the front page of her official website. And with lines like "Look who’s smiling now / Damn, it’s good to be me!" why wouldn’t it?
In honor of her 13th Playboy cover, Pam wrote a poem specifically to run alongside the mag’s shots of her, cough, "lady lumps" – the poem in question proved that there’s a reason why she’ll never make a 13th appearance on the cover of The New Yorker. Here it is in its entirety: “Our best isn’t good enough — right now our eyes are far-reaching. Please let’s show the good in us. . . The brilliance. . . The wonderful. . . It’s abundant — it’s just not tapped as it should be… The youth … The wild that rose up from the ashes. The adults … Living and dead that fought for our rights … Artists … Sweet artists …. Hold on … Crazy, the world goes on … And goes ….”
All hail the classic, and still the best, mediocre celeb poetess of all time. Her collection “A Night Without Armor”, while a huge seller, was the butt of dozens of late-night jokes in the late 90s and still holds its ground as one of the worst poetry books of all time. I mean, it’s incredible. Next time you’re in Books-a-Million, do yourself a favor and pick it up. It’s incredible. Did I mention it was incredible?
If you saw two roads diverge in a yellow wood, which one would you take? Let me know in the comments!
The only thing harder than making a really awesome game is making a really awesome game that is also hilarious. There have been plenty of attempts at humor that just completely fell flat. There are those shining beacons of hope found in certain games and with certain characters that make me believe that one day we will live in glorious future where all of the jokes in video games are actually funny instead of just being annoying and repeated 500 times in a row. Here are the funniest video game characters.
The Great Mighty Poo (Conker's Bad Fur Day)
I'm not generally a big fan of scatological humor, but this is one of the best exceptions. The Great Mighty Poo is exactly what he sounds like. A giant pile of poo that sings opera at you and attacks you with poo. There's a fine line between gross and hilarious. This character jumps that line like he's on a school jump rope team. A disgusting, poo covered jump rope team.
The evolution of GLaDOS throughout Portal is one that I'll never forget. She goes from spouting off snarky passive aggressive insults to full on trying to murder you. The saddest part of this is that my relationship with GLaDOS is the best relationship I've ever had with a woman. I finally worked up the courage to ask her if she wanted to move in together, but then she just tried to murder me with neurotoxin. So adorable.
The Rabbids (Raving Rabids)
Slapstick comedy is really hard to pull off well. It's so much more than just someone getting knocked in the head. The Rabbids are masters of slapstick comedy. They are so incredibly dumb that pretty much anything they do fails in a hilarious way. I laugh out loud while playing a game with the Rabbids more than almost any game. It's so fun to make them scream. DAAAA!
Beavis and Butt-Head (SEGA Genesis)
Most licensed games are bad. That goes double if the game is based on something that is supposed to be funny. People like funny stuff because of the writing, and most video game developers aren't comedy writers. The Beavis and Butth-Head game is one of the few exceptions where one of the games is both fun and hilarious. The plot of the game revolves around trying to collect pieces of your GWAR tickets that were torn to shreds and scattered all over town. This game is a mix of a side scrolling shooter with weapons like burps, farts, and a baseball bat with a glove on the end, and an adventure game where you have to use extremely dumb logic to get your tickets back. For example, you have to collect a dead rat and fry it in a deep fryer, then serve it to a customer to make him puke. The GWAR ticket is then collect from his vomit.
The King Of All Cosmos (Katamari)
The whole basis for Katamari is that The King Of All Cosmos keeps screwing up and destroying all of the stars. Of course, after you save everything he takes all of the credit. When he isn't ruining the universe or lying about his acheivements, he spends his time insulting and beating up his son, the Prince. He is pretty brutal when he is upset with his son. He's even gone so far as to hurl meteors at him. I think it's about time the Prince emancipates himself. That'd be way better than having a dad that shoots lasers out of his eyes.
Tiny Tina (Borderlands)
The Borderlands series has a lot of weird eccentric characters. It's the apocalypse. There's going to be a lot of wierdos around. Tiny Tina is an insane 13 year old explosives expert. She's completely fearless and loves mayhem. She's kind of like having 5 characters in one since she changes personalities all the time. Is she going to be British or act like a homicidal maniac? It's fun to find out.
CATS (Zero Wing)
This is the only unintentionally funny character on the list. You may recognize him as the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" guy. The phrase originates from a Japanese game called Zero Wing that was very poorly translated in to English. When this found it's way on to the internet, people went nuts. It was everywhere. It definitely had a big hand in helping to popularize memes. There was a time when the internet was nearly memeless. Those were dark days.
Meat Boy (Super Meat Boy)
Meat Boy is a lot like Mario except that he has no skin and leaves a trail of blood everywhere he goes. I will never get tired of hearing Meat Boy make wet sucking/slapping noises as he navigates a gauntlet of things that want to turn him in to red mist. This game gets insanely hard. I think the only thing that kept me going was how hilarious it was so see Meat Boy die.
Who do you think is the funniest video game character of all time? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Don't you just love finding out who was almost cast in roles made famous by another actor? First of all it's kind of fun to think of famous people being rejected. They're just like us, right? And then it's also cool to imagine how different the role would've been if it was played by them. Here's a look at 5 actors who were almost cast on Disney Channel shows!
Taylor Momsen as Hannah Montana
O.M.G. This one is kind of perfect. I mean Taylor does fancy herself a rock star now, so it would be funny to see her turn Hannah all dark and twisty around season 3. Taylor has been quoted as saying that she is grateful she didn't accept the role. I kind of wish she did. Then maybe we would've been spared the success of Miley Cyrus and everything that came along with it. Think about it...we could still think Liam Hemsworth was cool!
Joe Jonas as Justin Russo (Wizards of Waverly Place)
This casting would have totally ruined this show. First of all, no one would believe Joe Jonas as a braniac science geek. Sorry, pretty boy! Plus having him on the show would have probably made the producers make Justin an aspiring musician. And nothing is more annoying than hearing music played by someone named Jonas. Especially when you aren't hypnotized by seductive camera glances.
JoJo as Hannah Montana
Ya gotta love that Miley was SO not the first choice for Hannah Montana. JoJo claims that she has no regrets about passing up the role that made Miley Cyrus a star. And why should she? She was recently cast on a episode of Hawaii Five-0. Um okay, JoJo...I wonder what her single 'Disaster' was about? Career moves? Just curious!
Bridgit Mendler as Sonny Munroe (Sonny With A Chance)
Bridgit went on to star in the hit series Good Luck Charlie, but she was almost cast as Sonny Munroe a part that eventually went to Demi Lovato. I'm kind of glad it never happened, because I don't like when bad things happen to Demi Lovato. I get stressed out worrying about this girl, because you know apparently I have nothing better to do than worry about rich celebs that I've never met with problems, instead of worrying about my own problems. Hold me!
Lindsay Lohan as Lizzie McGuire
Ohhh burn! I guess Lindsay eventually showed Hilary! Until she ruined it all by being all kinds of effed up and then Hilary was all like 'And I have a super cute baby and happy marriage! Have fun on probation.' There are rumors that Hilary's sister Haylie originally auditioned for the role and lost it to her little sis. That's too sad for me to even contemplate. Of all the people in Hollywood, I want to give Haylie Duff a hug the most. And then advise her to give up onan acting career. It just makes us all too uncomfortable, right?
Were you surprised by any of these? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
In the real world, unicorns are extremely rare. Tattoos of unicorns? Much less so. Could tattoos be the unicorn's last vestige into the world? Perhaps, dear reader. Perhaps.
Which tattoo contained the most powerful, ancient magic? Let us know in the comments below!
Oh man, a lot of these have swearing in them.
What were they expecting? Let us know in the comments!
Hey fellahs. Not all guys. Some guys know how to talk to women to get them to be cool with kissing them. But, other guys! The ones that are too afraid to assert their desires to their female friends. We've got big news for you.
Yeah, nothing depressing about that.
First Post Life is reporting that your life long dilemma is now officially a word in the dictionary. Are you the kind of guy whose female friends confide in them about their crushes? Are you the type of guy whose female friends feel comfortable farting around? Are you the type of guy whose female friends confide in him about the guys they actually like? Well, now you're a definition.
Fun Fact: Guys in the friend zone are almost always, at some point, end up married to the little girl from The Ring
Here's the definition: "a situation in which a platonic relationship exists between two people, one of whom has an undeclared romantic or sexual interest in the other: example: I always wind up in the friend zone, watching them pursue other guys." So how do you not get in the friend zone with a girl? I've always found the best way not to get in the friend zone is to, whenever your female friend tries to talk, grab her lips and hold them shut and then wiggle her face around a bunch by shaking her by her lips. This shows them that you mean business.
This man will always be stuck in the friend zone, as it is a well known fact that women hate guys who have an extra hand in their mouth.
Last year "sexting" got into the dictionary. Hopefully next year "trill" will get into the dictionary and also: "globefarbulous" which is a word I thought of just now that means, "To seem or appear be "globefarb," example sentence: "She looked globefarbulous in the moonlight, and at the moment I knew I'd be a real globefarb if I didn't tell her how I felt."
A wild Globefarb takes a nap in the sun.
Are you in the friend zone? How do you plan to get out? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out 24 Guys Stuck In The Friend Zone!
People are always saying how video games help foster eye-hand coordination—coordination that will come in handy should quick action be needed during a zombie apocalypse. But few realize that if you play video games long enough you can learn some very crucial lessons about love, relationships, and chasing after your true desire while running away from Koopa Troopas.
Be prepared to face obstacles
Though the little Italian plumber’s heart may be a fickle beast—pining away for Pauline then Princess Daisy then Princess Peach in a shameless attempt to ascend social rank—Mario is always willing to prove his true love by confronting and overcoming whatever lies between and his lady of the moment, even if most of those obstacles seem to be the result of a self-ingested tab of acid.
Find your perfect match
Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to date someone who looks two exactly like you but with a hair bow and 8-bit mascara. But it does help if you share similar interests, even if they are compulsive eating, ghost hunting, and the unique inability to ever escape a series electronic corn mazes.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship
Love is never simple. It’s rarely “meet cute.” Instead, it can more often than not be “meet an assassin living in an abandoned theme park who wants to kill a mob boss out of revenge for her sister and then gets shot for refusing to kill you only to then kill a U.S. Senator and then team up with you to stay alive but then die in your arms and reappear in a difficult game level.” It’s the classic romance story as old as Shakespeare himself.
Get away together
Just as journalist Elena Fisher accompanies Nathan Drake on their many treasure-hunting adventures, so should you and your loved one get away from it all for a few days. Of course, it will greatly help if by “getting away from it all” you mean traveling through the Himalayas, searching for the lost city of gold, or trekking across the largest sand desert in the world. Otherwise, it will just be the two of you staring at each other in a Hilton Express, wondering who will be the first to fall asleep before dinner.
There is nothing sexier than intelligence
Or at least artificial intelligence, as is the case of the relationship between Master Chief and Cortana, the holographic projection that has more than once helped saved John-117 and humanity from certain doom. Of course, it doesn’t hurt when that projection is wearing an outfit that consists of nothing but a pair of black leather suspenders. And when that sexy projection makes the ultimate sacrifice, Master Chief can’t help but feel a little bad for all the times he contacted her only to see her stand around almost completely naked.
Life is about love
Sure, one might say that the hearts in “The Legend of Zelda” games aren’t symbols of love but rather health. And one might even say that most games don’t use hearts but rather standard numeric life meters. And one could even add that for someone so gung-ho on reconnecting with his fair maiden, Link sure does spend an awful amount of time having dull conversations with townsfolk about missing cats. But instead, let’s focus on the fact that many games are about reconnecting with loved ones. That is, when they’re not about blowing up theocratic aliens. Or fighting another sword-wielding panda. Or banging hookers. My point may have gotten lost here at the end…
Any other lessons we missed? Let us know in the comments!
We’ve pretty much all had Facebook for a long time. Hell, the movie about the creation of Facebook is over two years old at this point. So doesn’t that mean we should all be better at posting things? You know what I mean; half of the things that pop up in your feed just make you roll your eyes and say “WHY AM I STILL USING THIS TERRIBLE WEBSITE.” First of all, ease up on the shouting, bud. Second, I know exactly what you mean. I have gone and done a thorough cataloguing of these kinds of posts, and so I present to you the 7 Worst Kinds Of Posts People Are Still Making On Facebook:
Things That Are Brazenly Untrue
Here’s a helpful tip: If the skin tone of a person’s face does not match the skin tone of their body in the photo you just posted of them, IT IS NOT OF THEM! Also, if something “the news media refuses to report” just so happens to match exactly what you’ve always suspected about a politician/celebrity you’ve always hated, then IT IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE. Life is not here to back-up every crazy thing you believe. It’s called snopes.com, give it a look sometime.
”Doing Laundry!” “Gone Grocery Shopping…” “Eating(?)!” Oh man, cool story guys. Hey, you know how all this stuff is way too dull for you to ever tell about in an actual face to face conversation? That probably means it’s not worth publishing for anyone on the internet to read. Some of the details of your life are so boring I can literally see my computer screen glaze over out of boredom (and by “literally” I mean “figuratively”.)
Fifty Things, One After Another
Hey partner, save some of that “gold” for later in the day! And by “later in the day”, I mean more than five seconds apart, because my Facebook thread is starting to resemble your own personal version of 4chan (you sick creep).
Incredibly Vague Posts
Listen, I refuse to fall for this. You’re doing that thing where you post something that is both incredibly dramatic, and incredibly lacking in details, in the hopes that you’ll get plenty of attention from people going “What’s wrong?” “Do you mean me?” “Who r u talking about?” This kind of behavior is, to put it bluntly, gross. If you want to talk about the drama of your life (which, to be honest, would probably then get you filed under “Banality”) just do it.
“Tasteful” Pregnancy Nudes
Listen, just because your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend is covering your naked breasts with her arms while you both gaze down at her protruding belly, doesn’t mean that it’s tasteful. It’s not tasteful; it’s tacky to share something that is clearly supposed to be a very personal, intimate thing. If you want everyone to be a part of your pregnancy, you know what you should do? Post the video of you giving birth. Man, THAT would be informative!
You know how I don’t follow you on Twitter? Well, it’s pretty brilliant of you to circumvent that process by linking your Twitter to your Facebook account. Also, you tweet too much (please see “Fifty Things, One After Another”).
Oh, look at that. Facebook went and took my ironic “praise” of some company and their horrible product and repurposed it as a glowing endorsement that they will now make ad revenue off of! Great, because being constantly advertised to wasn’t irritating enough, I always hoped that I would one day BECOME the advertisement.
Which types of posts make you block people on Facebook? Let us know in the comments!
In the entire history of horror movie villains, there are bound to be some that just aren't scary. Maybe the script was good, but the movie just didn't come out like the writer wanted to. It happens to the best of us. Some horror movie villains are so bad, you have to wonder what they were on to think that anyone would find them scary. Here are the least scary horror villains.
The Laundry Mangle (The Mangler)
I don't think I've ever actually seen a laundry mangle in person outside of a historical reenactment village. They're so old timey, I'm honestly not even sure what they are for. In this movie, an evil antacid brings a laundry mangle to life and it starts killing people. The previous sentence is not a joke. The saddest thing about this is that it was directed by Tobe Hooper who wrote and directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Leatherface is one of horror's scariest and most iconic horror villains. People forgot about The Mangler before they even got to the theater parking lot.
Rabbits (Night Of The Lepus)
Night Of The Lepus is about mutant rabbits who destroy a small town. Crazy, freaky mutant rabbits destroying a town actually might have been pretty cool. Unfortunately, this movie's budget didn't allow for any cool special effects. All they could afford was to film a bunch of regular rabbits hopping around a model train town. If I saw a bunch of giant, cuddly rabbits hopping towards me, I wouldn't be scared of them. I would do everything I could to try to ride one. I'd be the first person to hop all the way around the world.
The Bulldozer (Killdozer!)
To be fair, a bulldozer is the only thing on this list that is actually dangerous. At least a bulldozer could maybe actually kill someone if the circumstances were right. Bulldozers are loud, slow, and can't really get through dense terrain. If you know a killer bulldozer is on the loose and actually let it kill you then you deserve to die in my opinion.
Plants (The Happening)
The big plot twist in The Happening is that plants somehow all magically evolve the ability to release a neurotoxin that makes people kill themselves. This movie was supposed to have a message about why we should try to protect the environment. All I learned from it is that it's either humans or the plants. There isn't enough room on earth for both of us. If we all band together, then one day maybe we will finally be able to destroy the green menace.
Turkie is the star of the horrible Thankskilling movie. Turkie is so non-threatening that even the people he is trying to kill aren't scared of him. They just act like they're annoyed. This movie desperately wants to be a so bad it's good kind of movie. This movie ended up being so bad it was unwatchable.
The Bed (Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People)
The bed in Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People is a possessed bed that eats people. The title is pretty self explanatory. Here's the thing about a bed that eats people. Beds aren't very mobile so this thing isn't going to chase after you. Just don't go in the room. You know it eats people. Stop sleeping on it. The title of this movie should be Hungry Bed: The Bed That Starved To Death.
The Slugs (Slugs)
Slugs are incredibly fragile so it's kind of hard to buy that they've somehow become viscious killing machines. All that you'd need to do kill an army of bloodthirsty slugs is to lay out a little bit of salt for them to slowly slide through. If that doesn't work, then just step on them.
Pinocchio (Pinocchio's Revenge)
I'm not going to be afraid of anything that I can defeat by stuffing it in a sturdy suitcase. My biggest beef with this movie is that this is a horror movie starring Pinocchio and not once does he tell so many lies that he impales someone with his nose. That's pretty much the only reason to have a horror movie starring Pinocchio. That'd be like if Freddy Kreuger started going around and just shooting people with a gun instead of invading their dreams.
Who do you think is the least scary horror villain? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Some surprisingly well built teenage boys at Milford High School are in hot water after filming their version of a Harlem Shake Video.
Why was the school so upset? Because that duck... is the Principal.
Yes, the Detroit Free Press says the school suspended 30 students involved with the video, and another video they shot simultaneously that has been taken down. That video supposedly had a "racially insensitive word." Whether or not that video contained a racially sensitive word, this video did include such shocking things as teenagers having fun, and a duck. One of the students has said of the duck, "Including the duck added a little pizzazz, something no other 'Harlem Shake' video could bring." In Hollywood we have a word for that. We call it: showmanship.
Kim Root, spokeswoman for the school, says she believes the school is justified in their actions because they don't want the school as being misrepresented as the type of place that would let a student take of their shirt, put on a gorilla mask, and dance. She says parents would be less likely to allow their children to go to a school where holding a duck while you were gyrating was permissible.
Milford High School. Gorilla mask free since... NO NOT AGAIN.
Just how offensive is this video, you ask? How badly has it tarnished the once proud reputation of Milford High School? Who's average verbal SAT score was 494 before the video was put out, and then dropped to an alarming -11? Watch for yourself and decide:
How many times would you have suspended the whiteboysmakingnoise, as they call themselves? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out the 25 BEST Harlem Shake Videos!
Almost anyone who’s ever watched a “Star Wars” movie has thought, “Gee, I wish I had a lightsaber.” “Gee, I wish I had a robot sidekick.” “Gee, I wish I could wield the Force and protect the galaxy from ever seeing ‘Attack of the Clones.’” But what if all the “Star Wars” gadgets—numerous technical flaws included—really did exist? How would society change thanks to limb-severing glow sticks and driving a Harley mid-air through a crowded forest?
Every disagreement would end in elegant dismemberment
Given how quick people are to react violently in a bar, at their kid’s soccer game, or even while getting their kid an ice cream cone only for them to think some elderly grandfather looked at them funny, it would take almost nothing for people to whip out a lightsaber, especially since it leaves no incriminating blood or shell casings and automatically cauterizes the wound. Within a week everybody would be reaching for their eating utensils with prosthetic claws.
Every battle would be a tactical fiasco
Whether attacking an ice base with slow-moving, unbalanced mechanical elephants (with defenseless necks), failing to shoot straight ever (even when a phaser is pressed against someone’s temple), or using the same plan twice (once when building contractors clearly did not show up every day to work), the Empire’s incompetent warfare strategies and inept technology would cause any nation to switch their manufacturing industry to making white flags and are obviously the real reasons Darth Vader always sighed like he did.
Everybody would wind up as somebody else’s trophy
Everybody has a grudge. And often those grudges can get the best of us, festering over time until you just want to exact the best revenge possible on someone. Now imagine if you were told that you could freeze that person (or people, should you opt for the group discount) and place them in your living room forever, allowing you to taunt them every day while pointing at the carbonite block as a warning whenever anyone else starts to tick you off just a little. Then imagine how long it would be before everybody is trying to throw everybody else into carbonite freezing chambers, until we’re all just wall mounts waiting for rescues that now can never come.
Everything would end in a fiery crash
Much like if jetpacks had become cheap and plentiful 85% of the world’s population would have died in mid-air collisions, so, too, would using almost any means of “Star Wars” transportation end in a deadly explosion. That’s because although they look fantastic, most of the assorted ships and whatnot have the practicality of a Razor attached to a jet engine. Hence why it seems like Speeder Bikes are sold specifically to drive into redwood trees and every time Han uses hyperspace in the Millennium Falcon he winds up smack in the middle of asteroids or planet shards.
Every robot conversation would be a mind-numbing ordeal
Who wouldn’t want a robot sidekick to call their own? Especially a “protocol droid” that is fluent in “over six million forms of communication” and was specifically designed to serve humans? But then you would find out that protocol droids apparently never shut the hell up. And that all they can talk about is how you’re “doomed” or how it “knew this was a bad idea” when not having a complete nervous breakdown like an 90-year-old women confronted with a tiny breeze. Add to the fact that all the other non-agitated droids require a protocol droid for you to even understand their clicks and beeps and you have a situation in which almost every robot would “accidentally” be run over by their owner’s car six or seven times.
Everything would be recalled
When the most advanced weapon in the galaxy—clearly the product of years of research, huge financial investments, and the chutzpah to suggest “planet, but with a gun”—is designed so that its exhaust port leads directly to its main reactor, triggering a self-destruct mechanism that would never be necessary outside of an elaborate April Fool’s joke, one can only assume that no one in the “Star Wars” tech industry has ever heard of beta tests, product inspectors, or saying “Let’s go over this one more time” before okaying the manufacturing process.
What would you do if you had an AT AT? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out Star Wars Puns!
Until I saw last week's Russian meteor, I thought that I had seen every genre of Youtube videos. The reason there was so much footage of the meteor is that a new fad in Russia is to have a dashboard camera. The cameras are useful to protect yourself from getting wrongfully sued when you get in to a car accident. The side effect is that crazy stuff happens constantly on Russian roads, and now we get to see all of it. Here are the most ridiculous Russian dashboard camera videos.
The Russian Meteor That Started It All
Tanks Do Whatever They Want
It's Illegal To Ride On The Outside Of A Car No Matter Where You Are
This Is Why Fireworks And Cars Don't Mix
Insurance Fraud Fail
Old Lady Road Rage
This Is Why You Pay Attention To Low Clearance Signs
Bus Gone Wild
ANOTHER Insurance Fraud Fail
So This Is Why People Steal Shopping Carts
Turtleneck Gangster Fail
Lightning Strikes A Car
Fighter Jet Flyover
Maybe Let The Guy With The Gun In Front Of You
Do you think you know of a crazier Russian dashcam vid? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
In between jobs, school, and — ugh — relationships, it's getting hard to find time to play video games. And this is a problem because video games are the best. Well, as they say, when the going gets tough the tough get going, so I've decided to MAKE time in my life for video games in the following ways:
There's an extra eight extra hours a day to play video games if you just stop sleeping. The only drawback to sleep deprivation is that your brain will essentially fracture — suddenly, you'll begin to laugh uproariously at things that make no sense, hallucinate, and see colors where there were none before. But that's not necessarily a bad thing — going mad from sleep deprivation may be the only way to make Assassin's Creed III interesting.
Get your grandma to pay your rent for you
If you didn't have to go to work, like, every day, you would have a lot more time to play games. So if you convince Grandma to pay your rent, you can IMMEDIATELY quit that job. Don't even worry about giving two weeks' notice. No employer expects you to honor your two weeks notice when the new Bioshock is about to come out.
Get rid of your cell phone
Who are all these terrible people that are CALLING me when I'm trying to play video games? Sure, social interaction is important, but if you feel like you REALLY need to talk to someone, you can always call someone on Codec while you play Metal Gear Solid.
Plug into your neighbor's power
If there's one thing that can REALLY get in the way of your gaming time, it's the power company's selfish desire to shut off your electricity for not paying the bill. So hey, why not run an extension cord out of your place and into your neighbor's outside outlet? Also, since it's about to get real, REAL cold in your house while you finally finish Mass Effect, see if he has any blankets he can spare. See if he has any blankets he can't spare. Steal all the blankets you can find. NEVER STOP STEALING BLANKETS.
Find ways to drink more of your foods
One of the biggest time-killers when it comes to playing video games is eating. All that time spent cooking could EASILY be spent getting the Platinum in Fallout 3. So here's what you do — make your food as liquid as possible so it can be sucked through a straw while you play! You were going to dip those chicken tenders in barbecue sauce anyhow, weren't you? Why not mash them up and MIX them with the barbecue sauce, thereby making a sort of chicken tender soup? I know that sounds disgusting, but honestly, it only tastes like pure sodium and lemon rind for the first few months.
If you can find the ancient statue of Rag'na'rokk, you become the source of all in the universe. Then, when you are eternal, never-ending, the Alpha and the Omega, the culmination of all that is, was, and ever will be, you'll have plenty of time for the new Tomb Raider.
How do you force video games into your increasingly busy schedule? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!