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Articles on this Page
- 07/30/12--20:18: _Caption The Bear, W...
- 07/31/12--11:31: _Will Human Beings b...
- 07/31/12--14:13: _7 Body Parts I’m Gl...
- 07/31/12--16:44: _Ten Classic Video G...
- 08/01/12--11:01: _Is Apple Working on...
- 08/01/12--13:16: _6 Alternate Theorie...
- 08/01/12--14:03: _What a Christopher ...
- 08/01/12--16:50: _7 Cute Child Stars ...
- 08/02/12--11:12: _Billionaire To Clon...
- 08/02/12--12:43: _The Greatest Pop Cu...
- 08/02/12--14:11: _Five Shocking Toppi...
- 08/02/12--17:02: _Japanese Company Wa...
- 08/03/12--11:04: _Jerry Springer Want...
- 08/03/12--13:46: _Young Adult Books T...
- 08/03/12--14:36: _How to get as Much ...
- 08/03/12--16:44: _10 MORE Pairs Of Ce...
- 08/04/12--11:19: _Saturday Morning Ca...
- 08/04/12--11:50: _Kristen Stewart Exp...
- 08/04/12--14:33: _Caption The Photo, ...
- 08/06/12--11:08: _Olympic Gymnast Per...
- 07/30/12--20:18: Caption The Bear, Win A Shirt WINNER
- 07/31/12--11:31: Will Human Beings be Immortal by the Year 2045?
- 07/31/12--14:13: 7 Body Parts I’m Glad Humans Don’t Have
- 07/31/12--16:44: Ten Classic Video Games That Are Still Better Than Current-Gen Games
- 08/01/12--11:01: Is Apple Working on Video Game Controllers?
- 08/01/12--13:16: 6 Alternate Theories for Why Dinosaurs Became Extinct
- 08/01/12--14:03: What a Christopher Nolan Pokemon Movie Would Be Like
- 08/01/12--16:50: 7 Cute Child Stars That Grew Up to Be Weird Looking Adults!
- 08/02/12--11:12: Billionaire To Clone Dinosaur And Make His Own Jurassic Park?!
- 08/02/12--12:43: The Greatest Pop Culture Lizards!
- 08/02/12--14:11: Five Shocking Toppings that Would Be Awesome on Your Sandwich!
- 08/02/12--17:02: Japanese Company Wants to Make You Your Own Mech Robot!
- 08/03/12--11:04: Jerry Springer Want To Do An Episode About BRONIES?
- 08/03/12--13:46: Young Adult Books That Need To Be Movies
- 08/03/12--14:36: How to get as Much Food as Possible In Your Chipotle Burrito!
- 08/03/12--16:44: 10 MORE Pairs Of Celebrities That Look Creepily Similar
- 08/04/12--11:19: Saturday Morning Cartoons: All The SHUT UP! Cartoons From This Week
- 08/04/12--11:50: Kristen Stewart Explains Cheating
- Pokemon Theme Song REVENGE (Smosh Video)
- 15 Things Cops Say, And What They Really Mean (College Humor)
- Quiz: Which Olympic Gymnast Are You? (Teen.com)
- Harley Davidson Tried To Trademark Their Motorcycle Sound (OMG-facts)
- Emmy Rossum: Starbuck's Run! (Just Jared)
- KOHL’S: HEADS UP! (Photoshop Disasters)
- The 7 Greatest Ensemble Casts Of All Time (Screen Junkies)
- 20 Geeky PIcs For Pizza Lovers (Super Booyah)
- 10 Worst Things Ever (According To A Google Image Search) (Holy Taco)
- 08/04/12--14:33: Caption The Photo, WIN A SHIRT!
- 08/06/12--11:08: Olympic Gymnast Performs to ZELDA Music!
This past weekend we asked you to come up with a funny caption for this bear running in a race. After thousands of entries, we've unscientifically picked a winner! It is, of course terribly sexist. Sorry.
So congrats to DrumsSD, for coming up with the caption for this picture!
Who would've thought a bear would win the race to the kitchen...
Thanks for all you funny submissions! Look for another contest later in the week!
Just this weekend I upgraded my Mac to OS X Mountain Lion and I lost all of my files. But it's not a huge deal because the only thing I ever saved were photos of cats, Smosh articles, and the MPEGs of that one season of Smallville I liked enough to buy from iTunes. Ultimately, pretty unimportant stuff, right? But what if I had been storing my brain?
"I'm just gonna throw all the thoughts and feelings I've ever had into Dropbox here."
That could very well be the future we're looking at as Russian media mogul Dmitry Itskov has relayed his plan to create cybernetic, fully-functional human avatars for us to store our brains in by the year 2045. Of course, if our brains aren't limited by our ever-decaying meat bodies, our consciousness will live on forever, making us immortal.
And if Ra's al Ghul has taught us anything, it's that immortality does wonders for the human mind.
Speaking at the probably well-catered Global Future 2045 International Congress event in Moscow, Itskov announced he has assembled a team who is, according to him, is capable of building such technology. Now Itskov is writing letters to ask for funding from the only people who will, at least initially, be able to afford this technology— the world's billionaires. This is far and away the worst part about this story because billionaires are, without question, the worst people in the world. You know Mitt Romney? Imagine if every year we collected another forty five of him.
My book club used to be a lot better before it was full of Mitt Romneys.
Here's Itskov's proposed course of action—step one is making robotic copies of ourselves that we can control with our brains. Most moral, sane people would stop right there. But no! Step two is to create a method for transferring a human brain into the robot body at the end of life. Step three is to create an artificial duplicate of the brain itself, and finally, step four is to make the whole thing holographic so we don't even have to mess around with physical media anymore.
Pictured: Your new apartment.
And then, there's the question of the intangibles. If we remove the fear of death are we removing our very humanity? There's at least one summer blockbuster that suggested that the fear of death is what makes us human. And furthermore, is there a practical benefit to putting a timer on our lives? As it stands, our lives are this complex, beautiful mystery, and we see so many wonders when we're alive, and there is this impetus that, for the bravest amongst us, that gets us off the couch and out into the world. We are forced to take action because if we don't death will take from us not only all that we are, but more importantly, all we ever could be. I would argue that it's the scarcity of life that makes it special; that there's something to be said for going gracefully into that good night.
Plus, if they're around too long, grandparents get annoying.
Would you want to live forever? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 6 Worst Super Powers To Have!
Body parts; we got ‘em, you want ‘em! Wait… that’s not right. Well, anyway, people generally come with standard body parts. Sure, there are some variations, but there’s a small general pool that we draw from in the “incubation stage”. And that’s good! But, as someone who generally has too much time on his hands, I’ve thought of body parts I’m glad we don’t have. So, here now, are the 7 Body Parts I’m Glad Humans Don’t Have:
An Extra Head
I've heard what comes out of my head, trust me. It's annoying. Plus, it creates all sorts of logistical problems. Do the heads have the same taste in things? If not, are they just arguing all the time, or have they learned to peacefully co-exist?
At first glance, you probably thought "I like coffee/tea, that seems convenient." But do you like other liquids? Maybe water, or juice? You can't have a mug of those! You need a much bigger drinking container, maybe tumbler hands, or pint-glass hands. Also, it would be probably be a touch (get it?) difficult living your life with no fingers.
I have a lot of big trees in my neighborhood, and whenever the wind picks up, branches get ripped off and blow all over the place. i'm just not crazy about limbs that can be torn off by some bad weather.
Teeth In… Unfortunate Places
Take a guess why this would be bad (though, handy if you need to chew two things at once).
I imagine you would have to pay a royalty fee, and that doesn't seem fair. To have to pay money, just because a copyrighted piece of fad technology grew on your body. Also, you'd probably burn threw batteries if you actually used the thing.
All Sorts Of Faces
Imagine meeting someone who was white, but they had an extra face that looked like it was a black guy. Or a Latino woman. That would be weird and unsettling. Now imagine what it would be like to be the man/woman with the multi-faced head. We already dealt with the logistics issues outlined in "Extra Head", but there's something just creepy about the idea fo someone having another face on roughly the side of their head.
It would just be cruel to give humans, who have long dreamed to fly under their own power, the wings of a flightless bird. CRUEL IRONY! WHY???????
What parts are you glad we don’t have? Let us know in the comments!
Sometimes, when I'm lost in inFamous or stuck in Portal or trying for like the fiftieth time to understand what people like so much about Grand Theft Auto, I get distressed about video games. But like my mom's mashed potatoes, there are some comfort games that will always make you feel good. Here are some classic games that still hold up.
Have you ever had more fun playing video games than when you had your three best friends in the same room eating pizza and sliding around the Facility with the C left and C right buttons? I'm sure you haven't and don't bring up Halo because I know for sure that that game came out after 9/11 so there was, without question, more sadness in the world.
9. Super Mario RPG
Mario RPG was goddamn epic. A giant sword crashed into Peach's castle from, like, outer space and Mario had to team up with Bowser to save not just the Princess but the world. What's Paper Mario about? Folding origami crafts? What are you, a Japanese calligraphy artist? Get out of here.
8. NES Ducktales
If you held the B button in Disney's Ducktales your cane turned into a pogo stick. It is far and away the video game industry's greatest shame that that did not become the default game mechanism. What Mario 64 did for analog control Disney's Ducktales should have done for holding the B button and pogo jumping.
7. Basically any Sonic the Hedgehog game on Sega Genesis
It's not so much that the old games are that good, but the new ones are so shockingly, world-alteringly bad that the old ones seem great by comparison. It's like when you get a swirly every day from the school bully, until one day when he beats the crap out of you, and then the next day you almost welcome the swirly. I know that sounds like I had a hard time in high school, but listen, it was sort of my fault. I couldn't stop talking about Dungeons and Dragons until I got that interest swirly-ed out of me.
6. Parappa the Rapper
If you want to understand why Parappa the Rapper was so great, just imagine guitar hero except with a funny, endearing lead character instead of a hollow metal tube of scrolling notes. Also, you could play it with a regular controller, not an enormous hunk of plastic destined for the GameStop used accessory bin, which is basically a trash can that never gets emptied.
5. Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers
In this game, boxes were as big as apples and Chip and Dale fought robot dogs and giant racist cats. It's probably the game that caused our generation to be one of the lowest drug-using generations in decades, because when we were offered LSD at a party we were able to say "no thanks man, I've already SEEN some sh*t."
4. Resident Evil 2
This game was so scary. It's the only game in the series where you don't play as some sort of special agent— you were just a rookie cop or some sort of motorcycle girl who were incredibly susceptible to monsters. And the games controls actually worked toy take control away from you—it was terrifying trying to fight zombies when it felt like you were underwater and wearing a thousands scarfs.
3. Super Metroid
This game was before Metroid: Other M turned Samus into a male-dependant crybaby. Back in Super Metroid, she was a kick-ass bounty hunter who doesn't give a sh*t about anything besides missile expansions. Little girls really need to learn not to depend on a man to find their missile expansions.
2. Metal Gear Solid
Let's be honest—the point of Metal Gear games has never been the gameplay. It's about experiencing a tense, gripping spy story. And the Playstation's Metal Gear Solid had the most clear, straightforward story, which cannot be said for its sequels. Honest to God, if I was playing Metal Gear Solid 2 and Harvey Keitel rode in on a half-whale/ half-woman with a rainbow flag and a civil war musket I would've been like "I guess so?"
1. Super Mario 64
Obviously, every Mario game is great, but Mario 64 was wide open. You had to earn stars to progress, but once you got into a level you could just run around and explore! It was like a happy Grand Theft Auto with good controls. Seriously what the f*ck do people like about that game?
What's your favorite old school game? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
iPhone games are just good enough to be disappointing. They look great, and the open market fosters innovation we never see on consoles. But those touch controls, ammiright?! They feel like a worn-down Nintendo 64 controller smeared with gasoline. Or really, it's just like using a Nintendo 64 controller. Those things were slippery?
Like playing with a controller that was just birthed.
But man, can you imagine playing iOS games with a controller? That had buttons? And joysticks? And, I don't know, R1? That might be the direction we're heading, as Apple has just patented tech that would allow an iPhone to support game controllers.
As you can tell, this patent is full of both technology AND gigabits.
While Apple itself may not make a controller—something with that many buttons is probably a little too scary for your mom who just likes to poke a screen while she drools on herself—it implies Apple is designing with third party controllers in mind and is at least finally thinking about gaming. I guess then the question becomes, why didn't Apple pay attention to the biggest entertainment medium in existence until now? I mean, there's a giant video game section you can't miss almost the moment you walk into Best Buy.
Oh right. Apple already murdered Best Buy.
It's always hard to tell where tech companies in general are headed based on their patents, but even this small sign is exciting. Come on—if Apple devices could support a controller, the console war is over. The one thing holding back iOS gaming is the lack of buttons. If someone could develop a controller, developers could release not only casual games, but every goddamn game they're ever made available on iOS. Then we can send them to our Apple TV and before we know it, Apple runs the home gaming business like they run the smartphone and tablet business. It'll be like Video Killed the Radio Star, except instead of feeling nostalgic about listening to the wireless back in '52 we feel our chest tighten up from getting three red lights and day one DLC.
The App Store came and broke your heart. Oh, oh oh oh ohh.
Would you be stoked to see an Apple video game controller? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out what to do with your old iPad once you buy the new iPad!
Over the years many solid, well-regarded theories have been proposed for the extinction of the dinosaurs, from asteroids to volcanoes to climate change to committing suicide after seeing one too many “Ice Age” movies. But that still hasn’t stopped researchers—and people with far too much time on their hands and on the Internet—to offer other reasons, from bowel movements to, of course, ancient aliens.
Dinosaurs Kept Farting
As much as it sounds like a theory created simply to make paleontologists giggle after years of looking at dried bones and desperately needing a laugh, “farting” may indeed be the strongest hypothesis on this list. Researchers recently stated dinosaurs might have emitted over 550 million tons of methane gas a year (with the giant plant-eating—and rarely invited to enclosed social gatherings—sauropods cited as the key culprits), resulting in early global warming and a noxious environment that all the cans of jasmine-scented Lysol could not dispel.
Dinosaurs Went Blind
Cartoon by author
Another current theory is that immense heat and radiation caused dinosaurs to develop cataracts (clouding of the eye lens), resulting in eventual mass blindness. This in turn could have prevented the creatures from locating food or even finding mates to continue their species. Such blindness might have also caused the dinosaurs to quicken their demise by unknowingly walking off of cliffs, into volcanoes, straight into each other’s mouths, or right into the path of that “Dinosaur Train” they keep showing on PBS.
Dinosaurs Were Mutated by Aliens
As anyone who has watched even a single of episode of “Ancient Aliens” can tell you, theories are best proposed by simply saying the first six words that come to your head and then exclaiming, “Done! Science!” So naturally a show that claims everything from human evolution to spicier Doritos are the result of extraterrestrials had to sooner or later look at the extinction of dinosaurs and—like an autistic kid after seeing “E.T.”—keep saying “spaceship.” Their specific theory, though, as proposed by the show’s leading “expert” Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, is that aliens mutated dinosaur DNA, thoughtfully turning them from colossal, ferocious beasts into things we could all enjoy, like birds or pyramids.
Dinosaurs Couldn’t Fit in the Ark
Sometimes science and religion shake hands and decide to form a new school of thought. And that school of thought leads to a whole new theory that dinosaurs and man actually lived side-by-side, resulting in a kind of “Flintstones” world in which the creatures found renewed purpose as can openers, garbage disposals, turntable needles, and—depending on the caveman’s socio-economic level—olive spears for martinis. And that later right before the “Great Flood” Noah had to turn away all the still-living allosaurs and tyrannosaurus rexes because of space and bouyancy issues while all the other mammals, lizards, and birds said, “Doesn’t Noah know dinosaurs died 70 million years ago, he’s actually blindly declining entry to some large shrubs, and maybe someone else should pilot this boat?”
Dinosaurs Needed Nicotine Patches
Proposed only once by cartoonist Gary Larson on “The Far Side,” the theory that dinosaurs smoked themselves to death has clearly caught on as evidenced by the number of books, calendars, greeting cards, and office doors sporting the above image. Plus, it dovetails nicely with a previous scientific fact that the tobacco industry will kill anyone—or anything—to make a buck.
Dinosaurs Never Went Extinct
”Isn’t it possible,” some say, “That if man can still keep finding new species to this day then maybe, just maybe, somewhere out there exists a place where dinosaurs survived the asteroid, survived the volcano and climate change, survived even farting, blindness, aliens, and cigarettes, and are still out there undetected, alive, and roaming free?” And the answer is 45 minutes of thunderous laughter followed by a polite, “No.”
What do you think happened to the dinosaurs? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out Dinosaurs I Want to Give the Commencement Address at my College!
Now that Christopher Nolan has wrapped up his vision of Batman, it’s time for him to utilize his “realistic” tone and serious film schoolery for other cult favorites. What if Pokemon was that franchise?
Pokemon Now Titled “Pocket Monsters”
You know Nolan wouldn’t go for an abbreviation; he’s an OG kind of cinematic ninja. I bet the first thing to go in his reworking of the Poke saga would be bringing it back to the longform Pocket Monsters name – branding be damned!
One of my favorite parts about Christopher Nolan as a director is that he always tries to do practical effects before resorting to CG. Sure, he could go the puppet route (Henson children gotta eat). But with the kind of funding he commands, perhaps he’ll just genetically create them in a lab and then have them sign with the Screen Actor’s Guild.
Castings Made From His Own Company of Actors
Joseph Gordon Levitt as Ash, Christian Bale as Brock and Michael Caine as Squirtle.
Pikachu May or May Not Actually Exist
Expect there to be something extremely convoluted about the essence of Pikachu and the other non-human characters. Maybe it’s all an allegory for Ash’s crippling drug addictions. Or maybe Brock will enter into the mind of a Pikachu only to find the Pikachu within us all. Or maybe Pikachu will unzip and reveal another Pikachu inside a layer of Pikachu inside a ham sandwich inside of Ben Watanabe. The possibilities are as endless as they are half baked and squishy.
Misty Has One Scene, Is Now A Brunette
A blonde actress killed Christopher Nolan’s entire family. Now he only casts brunettes by day and does grown up stuff with blondes at night in an Alfred Hitchcock mask because human sexuality and auteur worship is weird.
Everything Looks Cool, Nobody is Happy
On this I’m certain, with Nolan running the show, everything will look incredible and everyone will be bummed - no matter what. You will not see a hint of a smile in the most fantastically awesome set-pieces or scenarios. “Oh, there’s a pokeball that turns into a submarine that is also a zeppelin and a TARDIS that rains candy and orgasms for everyone. But my mother/lover/father/cousin/orphan is missing/dead/covered in scotch tape, I must avenge them!” Why so serious Nolan? You chase the blues like you gotta catch ‘em all.
Would you pay to see Christopher Nolan make a realistic Pokemon movie? Let us know in the comments.
Hollywood is incredibly looks-driven – as a result, it’s damn near impossible to be a successful actor without being a total babe. That being said, some folks still have careers in spite of having a gut (Jack Black, Queen Latifah, Kevin James, etc.). Child stars, however, aren’t so lucky. In order to be a successful kiddie actor, you need to be cute – there are virtually no exceptions to this rule. These kids had cuteness in spades – when they were kids, that is. They sure as hell don’t now.
Lil’ Lipnicki’s reward for playing Tom Cruise’s precocious pal in Jerry Maguire was a career that lasted approximately five years, the final act being his role as Lil’ Bow Wow’s pal in the awesomely forgettable basketball picture Like Mike. He still attempts to act – most gigs he gets, though, are voice only. Which makes sense.
Taran Noah Smith
Taran spent virtually his entire childhood, from the age of 7 to 16, acting as Mark Taylor on ABC’s hit sitcom Home Improvement. Once the show ended, though, he quit acting to marry a chick 16 years his senior and focus on his love of, uh, vegan cheese. Neither his marriage nor his company (PlayFood, manufacturers of cheese substitutes “Nacheezmo” and “Cheezy Cheeze”) worked out.
Haley Joel Osment
The adorable Haley earned an Academy Award nomination for his role as Cole “I See Dead People” Sear in The Sixth Sense. Once his face started filling out, though, the award nods and acting roles stopped coming. Now he collects DUIs and voices characters in video games. Oh, and golfs. He also golfs.
The Macster was the child star of the 90’s, as evidenced by his questionably close friendship with perma-kid-at-heart Michael Jackson. He made a butt-ton of money acting in classic flicks like Home Alone and My Girl – once he hit adulthood, though, he focused primarily on smoking copious amounts of cigarettes, getting arrested for marijuana possession, writing an experimental novel (2006’s "Junior") and playing World of Warcraft (seriously).
Ask your mom who Leif Garrett is – I guarantee you the question will make her stare wistfully into the distance and say, “A total dreamboat,” or something else comparably dated. Leif Garrett was one of the hottest teen idol of the 70’s – before people like Paris Hilton were famous for being famous, he was famous for acting in a miniseries (which is tantamount to being famous for being famous). Later on, he became famous for being infamous (for confirmation of this, please refer to the above shot of Mr. Garrett in court).
Remember Mrs. Doubtfire? The big-screen adaptation of Matilda? Of course you do! Do you know who’d like to forget those films? The adorable lil’ scamp who played the girl in ‘em! Apparently Miss Wilson didn’t have a lick of fun acting in all that schmaltz – now she’s a serious playwright and actress. She also, cough, doesn’t really look like the cute kid who acted in all those sappy movies. I cannot confirm or deny if the two facts are related.
Steven Anthony Lawrence
Steven Anthony Lawrence peaked as a child. You know him because he played Bernard "Beans" Aranguren in the hit Disney Channel show Even Stevens. Folks nowadays, however, know him as the five-foot balding weirdo that played a pink elf in a T-Mobile commercial. Hollywood, like kids, can be so cruel!
What other kiddie stars became unfortunate looking grown-ups? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!
Every great film asks a question not of its characters, but of the audience. In Citizen Kane, we were asked what moments make up a man's life. In The Searchers we were asked if a man's sanity is a fair price to pay for a society. And in Jurrassic Park, we were asked if man should make dinosaurs.
And the answer was no. Don't create dinosaurs.
But seemingly, multi-billionaire Clive Palmer doesn't give a crap about that. There are reports that he's been talking to the team who cloned Dolly the sheep a few years back about working their peculiar brand of science on dinosaurs. Palmer, you see, is building a 5 star resort in Australia an wants to have a free-roaming dinosaur on the grounds for his patrons to look at and not at all get eaten by.
"We're known for our decorum and self-restraint."
I should also point out that Palmer is the guy who is rebuilding the Titanic. The Titanic. Dawg, things ended almost as badly in Titanic as they did in Jurassic Park. This guy is either willfiully ignorant of movies or has less foresight about dangerous situations than that businessman who hired Bane in The Dark Knight Rises.
"I consider myself a team player."
Of course, it would be rad to see a real-life dinosaur, but let's have scientists with noble intentions make it, not a mogul looking to increase his bottom line. Movies resonate with us because they give us a good does of Old Testament style morality. Don't play God or sh*t is gonna go down. At this point, I can only pray that Clive Palmer stumbles upon this very article and follows this link to the Jurrassic Park trilogy on iTunes. It sucks that iTunes only offers them as a set, but if downloading Jurassic Park 3 is what it takes for Clive Palmer to see the first one, then so be it.
"I can only recommend this movie if it
saves the lives of wealthy, Australian tourists."
- Roger Ebert, 2001, Chicago Sun Times
Would you risk going to this dinosaur resort? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Dinosaurs I Want to Give the Commencement Address at my College!
You all know and love Krogzilla, the big giant lizard just trying to make it in this workaday world, but he isn't the only lizard in pop culture. In fact, we have a long history of telling stories about giant lizards. Here are some of our favorites—
I know, I know, Spider-Man's The Lizard was the star of his movie this summer. But if there's one thing my grandpappy taught me, it's that no matter what the circumstances, Batman tops Spider-Man every time. Every. Time. It was a weird lesson to learn from him. I would've rather learned how to be a good man or how to ask out a girl, but we don't get to choose our family any more than we get to choose which giant lizard supervillain we include in lists about pop culture's greatest lizards for Smosh.com.
How are you going to list the greatest lizards and not mention Godzilla? It'd be like making a list of Top ten Cheeses and not including cheese.
I actually saw this movie last summer, but hard pressed, I could not tell you a single thing about it. Isn't that weird? not one thing. But hey, Rango is voiced by Johnny Depp, so he must be pretty rad. Johnny Depp has a pretty good record of only playing rtad roles if you discount all the movies he makes with Tim Burton. Jesus Christ, why does he keep doing movies with that guy? Did Johnny Depp one year spill the ashes of Tim Burton's mother all over Thanksgiving dinner?
The best thing about these lizards from Land of the Lost is that the're half-human. Everything's cool when it's half-human, like Minotaurs and Lady Gaga.
In the first Mortal Kombat, Reptile was jsut some insecure guy wearing basically the same clothes as the cool kids, in this instance Sub-Zero and Scorpion. But he became more and more reptilian as time went on. Could reptile be going through the same DNA modification as Dr. Curt Connors, also known as SPider-Man villain The Lizard? Because if he is I swear to God I will replace him with another Batman villain right goddamn now.
The dragons from Game of Thrones
I'd say the dragons are pretty important on this show, considering one of the main characters, Daenerys Targaryen, spent the entirety of season two doing nothing but shouting "where are my dragons".
"Hey, Daenerys, do you need some water?"
"WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS."
"I'm not really in charge of dragons, I'm more of the water guy..."
"I wish I could help..."
"Look, I don't know where your—"
Which lizard is your favorite lizard? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
I know, I know. You just slap a quarter pound of turkey on white bread and call it a sandwich. But have you ever thought that you might be biased against certain sandwich toppings? It's a real problem, as Miracle Whip has shown:
So now that you finally, finally have an open mind, what else might you try adding to your sandwich?
You know when the internet was becoming popular, but there were still a few newspapers and magazines that fought hard against it? That's what regular cheese is doing against cream cheese—so clearly the superior cheese that once the general populace tries it, there'll be no going back. So get the internet. Cancel your subscription to the Times. And put cream cheese on your sandwich.
Mashed potatoes themselves don't have any flavor or texture really. I mean, unless you add gravy along with them, at which point, what are you? An anarchist? So what do mashed potatoes add to a sandwich? Heat my friend. The answer is heat. Can you even picture cold mashed potatoes? No. Because that's madness. With mashed potatoes you can turn any cold sandwich into a warm sandwich instantly. You're basically a magician. I mean, the world's absolute worst magician, but still a magician.
Do you know what a sandwich tastes like? That's right, delicious. Do you know what a sandwich with cranberries tastes like? Delicious plus Thanksgiving. And Thanksgiving tastes like warmth, like togetherness, like family. What in the world could you possibly think tastes better than the love of family? Candy? Get out of town.
You put tomatoes on a sandwich, right? And onions too, don't you? So you're already 3/4s of the way to putting salsa on your sandwich. Wouldn't it be convenient to just spoon all your toppings onto your sandwich, instead of chopping them up and delicately laying them on the bread? That is convenient, and we all know convenience is delicious.
Is your job terrible? Are you unsure if your wife loves you or not? Do you find yourself walking around in a haze, never knowing whether you actually feel emotions or you just want to feel something so badly that your brain tricks itself into believing it's feeling something? Then what you need to do is melt a Mars bar into some bread, my friend. Are you gonna be depressed after that? It's warm melted chocolate. Of course you're going to love it. And then you'll feel the sunshine on your face for the first time in what seems like years!
Which new sandwich topping are you most excited to try? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Look, I've watched Power Rangers, okay? I know that someday soon space aliens that sometimes look like humans and sometimes are big monsters are going to attack Earth for unspecified reasons. And I'm obviously worried I'll have to defend this planet I love. But what if I don't have a Zordon to send me a giant mech to use when the monsters grow?
"I can't afford mech robots! You think anyone's going to
hire a giant floating head in a tube? In THIS economy?"
Thankfully, I may soon be able to buy my own. Japan-based Suidobashi Heavy Industry has built a prototype 13 foot tall, 4-plus ton mech that you can pilot. Its name is Kuratas, and you can get your own for the low, low price of 1.35 million dollars. Here's a video of Kuratas in action. Look at this thing! Just look at it!
It looks like a tank with a face.
It sounds like, instead of the usual missiles and laser cannons and bullet-shooting chain guns that come standard on most mechs, this one is going to come equipped with water bottle rockets, fireworks, and a BB-shooting chain gun. Honestly, with an arsenal like that, I wouldn't be surprised to see it also dispense puppies and bouncy balls and ice cream sundays with more fudge than ice cream.
I'll bet it can even make your granddad's cancer go away!
Listen, Japan, I know this seems fun and everything, but come on. You don't need a giant mech to ride around in. The only person who has ever needed a giant mech to ride around in is Lex Luthor, and that's only because he wants to kill Superman. And hey, that's another thing—Lex Luthor, stop getting giant mechs to kill Superman. Everyone likes Superman except you.
You're just acting like a d*ck now dude.
If you had an extra 1.35 million sitting around, would you weant a giant robot mech? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out the 27 Most Epic Robot Costumes!
On Tuesday, the Jerry Springer show tweeted "Are you a brony and your lover objects?" This means they want to do a show on Bronies, the adult fans of the Hub network's My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. It shouldn't be a big deal, and I'm sure they'll treat the Bronies with the upmost dignity.
"So you like to bang out on baby cartoon horse butts? Tell me more about that."
But the Bronies aren't going to fall for it. They've sent out a warning, letting other Bronies know to avoid media appearances like this, writing in the Steam group Emergency Broadcast System that aren't trying to give positive exposure to fans of My Little Pony. They're trying to mock us."
You don't say?
And we know why Jerry Springer's interested—there's a weird sexual aspect to the Bronies. But come on, what even is weird anymore? Everyone's got their stuff. For instance, I'm into girls with big noses. I have a friend who can't date brunettes. I don't know, he just doesn't find them attractive! So what reason do we have to judge Bronies for being in to cartoon horse butts?
Right. The reason is ALL THE REASONS.
But beyond this weird sexual element, the reason Bronies are so ridiculed is because so many of them define themselves as Bronies. And that's why the bronies needed to warn each other—the group seems to feel like they need "positive exposure". Ultimately, Bronies don't need positive exposure any more than guys who play Mega Man 2 need positive exposure—it's only one aspect of your life and attacks on it are not attacks on you. We can't let ourselves be defined by any one thing, be it My Little Pony or Mad Men, archery or breakfast cereal, italian cooking or frisbee golf.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don't make your thing frisbee golf.
Would you go on Jerry Springer to talk about the weird stuff you're into? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Rejected "My Little Pony" Ponies!
It is way easier to make a list about the movies that AREN’T being made into films than are (I swear that’s not why this was written, though I am lazy like a fox). Just about every beloved novel, classic to recent, claims to be in some state of production. Highlights include: The Giver, Uglies, City of Bones, A Great and Terrible Beauty, King Dork, The Wolves of Mercy Falls, The Book Thief, and Miss Pergrines Home For Peculiar Children. But even after that sort of stellar list, there are books that either need a reboot or a bootboot to get made. Here are some of our favorites.
His Dark Materials/The Dark is Rising Sequence– Phillip Pullman/Susan Cooper
They aren’t being lumped together for the “Dark” in either title (though there’s no shortage of darkness in either). These two are paired because they were given mind bleaching, embarrassing adaptations that are not only below their source material they should be brought behind the shed and Old Yellered in the face. Ambitious young reader, please grow up and right these wrongs! Wont somebody please think of the adult children?
The Westing Game – Ellen Raskin
Generations worth of love keep this book on the top of reading lists everywhere. It was actually adapted into a play as well as a barely seen TV movie but who cares? It’s time for the great Westing murder mystery to make the jump to the big screen and be the successor to the first (and best) boardgame film adaptation, Clue.
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian – Sherman Alexie
Of all the books I looked into for this list, this is by far my favorite find and the most surprising Hollywood omission. Gritty and genuine in equal measure, this book would be a coming of age story from a group that barely gets any recognition on screen unless they’re played by Johnny Depp.
Wicked: the Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West- Gregory Maguire
JUST MAKE THE GODDAMN MOVIE ALREADY – Signed, everyone.
Catherine Called Birdy – Karen Cushman
The feisty heroine and the attention to detail make this YA classic highly adaptable. Birdy may be in another time, but she’s a relatable and sympathetic character that could make a star out of an unknown.
Graceling – Kristin Cashore
The names and sensibilities of Katsa and Katniss are a liiiittle close, but Graceling has charm on its own terms and is a sprawling fantasy to boot. The more young and able female characters that aren’t in expressly codependent relationships with the sparkly undead the better I say.
Leviathan – Scott Westerfeld
The steampunk movement/aesthetic/shiny amusement needs a big budget, live action venture that isn’t Wild Wild West. Though giant spiders shouldn’t necessarily out of the question. Westerfeld wrote the Uglies series, so expect to see this after that gets finished.
Ghostgirl –Tonya Hurley
Cut Burton’s budget and tack a “will not use pointless CG” on his undertaker’s lapel and this would be a spectacular match made in black spiral heaven. It could be like Clueless of the Undead!
What YA novel are you dying to see made into a movie ( I guarantee you wont have to take drastic measures to see most very soon). Let us know your picks in the comments!
Today you might very well get a speeding ticket and later realize your vote didn't really matter in the last presidential election. It's easy to feel powerless in this world. We're at the mercy of forces which we cannot control. But there's one place where we hold all the power—Chipotle Mexican Grill. At Chipotle, you hold the power, and you can get as much food in your burrito as you want, as long as you know how to do it. How do you do it? Here's how you do it!
Look tired and hollow as you order
If the Chipotle employees think you're starving, they're more likely to give you bigger scoops. But remember, simply sucking in your cheeks will be fine—you don't have to go all the way like my dad did and actually get addicted to heroin.
Order in Spanish
If you speak Spanish like you're just learning it, the employees of Chipotle will think you're trying to connect with them. They'll think of you as a little puppy who they can help along, and besides, people like it when you try to understand their world. Granted, this act of making them feel sorry for you gives up a lot of your power, which was sort of the point of all this, but if you get through this one indignity, you'll have more food than you could have ever dreamed of! You'll have meat for miles, enough tortillas to use for blankets! You could probably furnish your house with Chipotle, and I don't even know what that means.
Time your indeciveness
Order chicken. As they scoop chicken, change your mind to barbacoa. As they scoop barbacoa, change your mind back to chicken. If you do it right, you'll get six or seven servings worth of meat on your burrito before they hit a combo breaker and kick you out of the restaurant.
Don't underestiate the power of your own sexuality when you're at Chipotle. If an employee there likes you and thinks you like them, they're likely to scoop some extra food onto your burrito. You don't have to actually like them. In fact, you almost certainly won't. No one who has ever worked at Chipotle is capable of being loved.
Demand extra everything
Most humans are inherently weak. If you demand something of them nine times out of ten they'll cave. "Extra hot sauce. More. More." It is not polite to take grasp their face in your palm and say "I knew I would break you" as they ladle, though.
Ask for extra lettuce
Don't want Chipotle giving you the stink eye on your next visit? Ask for extra lettuce at the end. In the employee's mind, no one who is trying to game for food is going to ask for extra lettuce. You must legitimately like this food, these choices you've made. I mean, you'll have to go home and cut open your burrito to get all that sh*tty lettuce out, but what do you care? You weren't going to be able to eat that burrito whole anyway—it was always destined to be a bowl. Don't pretend you didn't know this. You had to know it. You had to have always known it.
Have youir burrito double wrapped
If your burrito is too full—and if you've been following this list's advice, it should be—your burrito will probably pop while it's being wrapped. The'll ask if you want another tortilla, which of course you do. If your burrito for some reason doesn't pop open, though, you're going to have to reach around the glass and dig your finger right into it. Listen, no one's happy with this solution, but sometimes, to get what's yours, you have get your hands, or even more disgustingly, one of your fingers, dirty.
What do you get (in excessive amounts) on your Chipotle? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
What are the odds of two people becoming famous that also look incredibly similar? Apparently not that great. I guess when it comes to deciding who we want to be famous, we definitely have a type!
Chuck Norris And Tim Allen
So basically Tim Allen is a beardless Chuck Norris? Perhaps like Samson all of Chuck's power lies in his hair. Without his facial scruff he's an inexplicably successful comedian, who has never made me laugh once. Thanks, Middle America!
Sarah Hyland And Mila Kunis
These girls should SO play hottie sisters in some lame rom-com! They should also probably stop wearing the same hairstyle and color dress to red carpet events. I'm here to help ladies! Especially you Sarah, you don't wanna be considered a second rate Mila Kunis. Actually, that doesn't sound too horrible.
Johnny Depp And Skeet Ulrich
I remember when Skeet Ulrich first gained fame, everyone acted like it was the coming of Johnny Depp. Well, Johnny Depp is still Johnny friggin' Depp and Skeet Ulrich is, I don't know, pumping gas somewhere? Too lazy to Google. Don't worry, If you really wanna know I'm sure some Skeet Ulrich fan will tear me a new one in the comments by reciting his IMDB page.
Cameron Diaz And Helena Christensen
No wonder Cameron stays blonde! No one wants to be compared to a supermodel, even a movie star. Movie stars have self-esteem issues to people. That's why they chose a 'PLEASE LOVE ME' career.
Matthew Broderick And Jon Cryer
Being twinsies isn't the only similarity between these two cuties. One is married to a horse and one used to co-star with a horse's ass. Yeah, I made a hacky Sarah Jessica Parker horse joke. Don't worry, I'm completely ashamed of myself.
Bono And Robin Williams
Besides looking alike these guys pretty much have nothing in common. Well, except for an apparent love of d-bag sunglasses. Seriously, where do you buy those kind of things?
Ginnifer Goodwin And Jennifer Morrison
Holy crap these two look practically IDENTICAL!! No wonder they play mother and daughter on Once. Good thing Ginnifer spells her name so WTF, that gives her a smidge of distinction. It also probably gives her a buttload of hassle, always having to correct the spelling of her name to people.
Gary Busey And Nick Nolte
Not only do they look alike but they've also both sullied successful acting careers by looking homeless and acting like whack-a-doodles. At least Gary has that Paris Hilton eye to distinguish him from Nick.
Scarlett Johansson And Amber Heard
I hate them both equally out of pure and unadulterated jealousy. My dream is to look hot doing an over the bare shoulder sexy glance pose. Instead I look like I need to be wearing a neck brace. If I was Scarlett I totally would've blamed those nude pics on Amber.
Daniel Day-Lewis And Jennifer Connelly
I don't know what I find more disturbing here, the fact that they look so creepily similar or the fact that Day-Lewis is wearing two little hoop earrings. Yeah, I'm thinking it's the earrings too.
Which one do you find the most creepily similar? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
This week's Shut Up! Cartoons episodes, plus a sneak peak for next week's premiere of Samurai Daycare! Don't forget to subscribe!
Did you miss a moment from this week's hilarious Shut Up Cartoons? Well worry no more. Here are all the cartoons from the past week!
LMAO (Nature Break #4)
Dr. Hollingsworth parks his car in a bad neighborhood...
RAT'LL DO IT (Snowjacked #6)
Layta befriends a rat who promises to help find her family.
THE GAY GENE (Weasel Town #4)
Dipster desperately tries to find out if he has the gay gene.
DECONSTRUCTION (Krogzilla #10)
Krogzilla tries his hand at demolition.
THE GAY KID (Oishi High School Battle #4)
Oishi helps a gay kid at school battle some personal demons.
COMING NEXT THURSDAY...SAMURAI! DAYCARE!
Follow Ned (Matthew Lillard) as he "teaches" a bunch of preschoolers, while simultaneously "rooting out evil" in his misguided, yet well intended manner every Thursday in an all new Samurai! Daycare on Shut Up! Cartoons!
The one thing she knows more about than us!
Links for today!
Don't Say We Didn't Warn You:
Um... this photo is just begging for some rude photoshopping...am I right? Let's be on the safe side and ask for a caption instead, mmmkay?Try to keep it somewhat clean! So give us a funny caption for this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!
If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 8/6/12 will not be considered. Good luck!
For any gamers watching the Artistic Gymnastics event, which gamers are wont to do, a cool surprise was provided by gymnast Elsa Garcia, who performed to a violin medely of songs from the Legend of Zelda. Garcia grew up playing Ocarina of Time on the Nintendo 64, and there is no doubt in my mind that game helped Garcia deal with over-bearing, annoying coaches.
Kotaku has the video of her routine, which got Garcia 35th place. BAnd holy crap that is insane. Like, she was doing flips, all right? FLIPS. She jumped into the air and turned her entire body around more than three times in the air! Mario doesn't have anything on Elsa Garcia!
Then again, Garcia's platforms don't ever disappear and leave her to fall to her death.
I honestly can't comprehend the routine Elsa Garcia did not being worth first place. But then again, I ddin't watch any of the other competitors, mostly because they didn't use video game music. But 34 people did better than that? How could that be? Do they have gymnasts that don't even touch the ground? Do they just levitate?
This is less fair than the time Collossus threw shotput.
Garcia's sister, Laura Garcia, wrote a piece explaining that er sister had suffered a last-minute double hand injury that kept her from performing at her peak. And I get it, an injury can make it seem impossible to summon the courage to press on. But I can't help but think that things might have turned out differently if, instead of Zelda music, she'd picked some music that can't help but inspire a competetor to be their best.
Guile's theme brings out the best in us all. .
What video game music would you like to see in the next Olympics? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 10 Awesome 8-Bit Mash-Up Songs!