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Articles on this Page
- 02/12/13--14:19: _7 Games Whose Innov...
- 02/13/13--11:29: _Local TV Station An...
- 02/13/13--12:39: _Animals I Would Rec...
- 02/13/13--13:50: _8 Most Blatant Prod...
- 02/13/13--16:33: _6 Strange Love Ritu...
- 02/14/13--11:10: _Leonard Cooper Wins...
- 02/14/13--13:08: _6 Bad Valentine's D...
- 02/14/13--14:13: _These Dudes Have Be...
- 02/14/13--15:21: _The 7 Most Realisti...
- 02/14/13--20:34: _6 Chick Flicks Even...
- 02/15/13--16:02: _The 5 Most Influent...
- 02/15/13--17:10: _8 Things To Avoid W...
- 02/16/13--12:16: _The Ten Best Love S...
- 02/18/13--12:22: _Strangest Celebrity...
- 02/18/13--14:37: _Dating Advice From ...
- 02/18/13--17:16: _Celebrity Choices T...
- 02/19/13--11:15: _YouTubers Arrested ...
- 02/19/13--12:34: _6 Video Games That ...
- 02/19/13--13:49: _What Would Happen I...
- 02/19/13--15:00: _8 Pairs Of Cartoon ...
- 02/13/13--11:29: Local TV Station Announces ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE Has Begun!
- 02/13/13--12:39: Animals I Would Recruit if I Was Starting an Animal Justice League
- 02/13/13--13:50: 8 Most Blatant Product Placements In Video Games
- 02/13/13--16:33: 6 Strange Love Rituals You've Never Heard Of
- 02/14/13--11:10: Leonard Cooper Wins Teen Jeopardy with an AWESOME Answer!
- 02/14/13--13:08: 6 Bad Valentine's Day Tips from Movies
- 02/14/13--14:13: These Dudes Have Been Playing A Game Of Tag... For 23 Years!
- 02/14/13--15:21: The 7 Most Realistic TV Parents!
- 02/14/13--20:34: 6 Chick Flicks Even Guys Will Like
- 02/15/13--16:02: The 5 Most Influential First Person Shooters of All Time!
- 02/15/13--17:10: 8 Things To Avoid When Taking A Selfie
- 02/16/13--12:16: The Ten Best Love Sucks Films Ever!
- 02/18/13--12:22: Strangest Celebrity Endorsed Products
- 02/18/13--14:37: Dating Advice From Cartoon Characters
- 02/18/13--17:16: Celebrity Choices To Replace The Pope
- 02/19/13--11:15: YouTubers Arrested Over Kidnapping Prank
- 02/19/13--12:34: 6 Video Games That Should Star Different Characters!
- 02/19/13--13:49: What Would Happen If Real Plumbers Went To The Mushroom Kingdom
When it comes to being an enormous success and staying ahead of your competition in business, innovation is key. The innovators hold the keys, folks! But once the innovation starts, and the cash then starts rolling in for the people who revolutionized their fields, the non-innovators take a good look and say “I could do that! No, not be creative and use our my skills to take us even further into the future, but to simply copy what made these people so successful!” This is when the bad imitations start rolling in, looking for a quick cash grab. Which is too bad, because it makes you resent the original product that seemed so revolutionary before you got sick of all it’s terrible clones. And there probably isn’t any industry more interested in the quick buck rip-off than the video game industry. Don’t believe me? You jerk. As proof, here are 7 Video Games That Spawned So Many Bad Clones You Now Resent Them:
Sonic The Hedgehog
Not only was Sonic’s intense level design and incredible sense of speed poorly copied over and over in a myriad of increasingly frustrating cheap-o imitations, he as a mascot also led to the rise of cartoon animals with “tude” in video games. Remember Bubsy? Or Gex, the sunglasses wearing Gecko? They were the most annoying, and it all came from Sonic’s sly grin and mocking finger wag (later copied by Dikembe Motumbo).
Street Fighter II
With the death of the arcade, this one isn’t really an issue anymore, but man, 2D fighters were REALLY prevalent for a long time. It got to the point where every franchise, be it Power Rangers, or Ninja Turtles, joined the legion of vaguely-martial arts themed fighters already on the market. And none of them brought anything to the table! The haduken motion always led to some sort of projectile, back was block (occasionally there was a block button) there flaming uppercuts, spinning kicks, it was the same garbage, just with different sprites pasted onto it. Also, I had a really hard time with the “forward-down-diagonal down/forward” motion that was required for the uppercut, so I always resented my own weakness.
Space shooter! “Killer” system launch app! Can only carry two weapons at a time! EVERY SYSTEM DOES NOT NEED ONE OF THESE!
Call of Duty
I don’t even hate this game for all the other games that have cannibalized it, I hate this game for its constant sequels that have done almost nothing to differentiate themselves from each other. “Honey, there’s a new Call of Duty out.” “Oh, I didn’t know we’d changed months.”
Grand Theft Auto III
Essentially the creator of the modern “sandbox” genre, where you’re free to wander around doing what you want if you’re not interested in focusing on the main plot, SO many games went to sandbox style, and SO many of them did a terrible job. The GTA series, whatever problems you may have with its content, crams so many different activities and things to do in it, there’s essentially something for everyone. Most imitators just turn it into an excuse to make you slog through bad fetch quest after bad fetch quest.
World of Warcraft
SPEAKING OF FETCH QUESTS World of Warcraft took the existing genre of MMORPGs, which had initially been popularized by Everquest, and streamlined everything into a very playable, very intuitive system. And then every single MMORPG afterwards did the exact same thing. I don’t want to kill nine of something! Or go talk to this guy! Give me a little variety!
Good God, the endless 3D platformer clones! The Blastos, the Bubsy 3Ds, even Sonic Adventure was a pretty unsuccessful series. The designers of these games thought the novelty of 3D would be enough to make them popular and good, but Mario 3D was such an insane work of love and attention to detail. All of its bad imitators suffered from inaccurate controls (because when you spend the whole game jumping, why would you need accurate jumping mechanics?) and a really, really frustrating camera. At least in 2D you can see what’s happening in front of you clearly!
What games got ruined for you by bad imitators? What?! My father designed that game, how dare you!? Let us know in the comments!
There are few things more sacred than taking a sick day from work. When you call your boss, lie about this "weird throat thing you have happening here", and commit to staying home, you best believe you will spend the day doing absolutely nothing productive. So what could be more jarring in that near-comatose state than learning the zombie apocalypse is upon you? Stockpiling ammo and boarding up windows is really hard work.
"Yeah, I'd WAAAY rather be doing this than eating potato chips and touching myself."
So imagine how these useless layabouts felt when Montana's KRTV station played the following emergency warning over their Monday afternoon Steve Wilkos Show broadcast, alerting its viewers that the dead had risen from the grave and were attacking the living:
The end of the world is scary and all, but I have to know — will the teen cheaters still be talking lie detectors?
The broadcast turned out to be a hoax, as a Michigan station that was also pranked has since traced the hack to overseas sources. That means that someone has been abusing the Emergency Broadcast System. This is a fairly dangerous prank, since it could teach people to ignore the alerts when a real emergency occurs, leading to people being caught in disasters unaware.
"A hurri-WHAT's going on?"
To be honest, I'm kind of getting sick of waiting for the zombie apocalypse. I feel like we've been teased with it so often by movies, video games, and guys who eat other guys' faces that by the time it finally gets here, I'll be over it. Hey, society? When the zombie apocalypse really happens, I'm not even going to believe it. You're basically the boy who cried "zombie". At this point, it's going to take a lot for me to believe the zombie apocalypse is really happening.
"STILL not buyin' it, guys!"
How do you suspect we'll discover the dead are walking the Earth? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Has the Zombie Apocalypse Already Begun?
You never know when a megalomaniac billionaire or alien race is going to attack a major American city. And since our world is not the world of DC Comics and we don't have superheroes, I'm ready to assemble a team comprised of our second most powerful beings. These are the animals I would recruit if I was making an all-animal Justice League.
You put a bear on your Justice League so he can f*ckin eat Lex Luthor. I'm surprised Superman never thought to eat Lex Luthor. That's the first thing a bear would think of.
Like Martian Manhunter before him, the giraffe would be the brains of the all-animal Justice League. Wait, are giraffes smart? Giraffes eat a lot of leaves, and their necks are tall. That is literally all I know about giraffes. What about that makes me think they're smart?
UM. YOU PUT A RHINOCEROS ON YOUR TEAM TO GORE BAD GUYS. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU.
Yellow lab puppy
Since yellow lab puppies are the cutest animals in the world, the yellow lab would be perfect against any all-powerful Solomon Grundy-types who need to be distracted while the rhinoceros prepares to gore. Of course, the puppy would be instantly torn apart when the villain gets their hands on him, but hey, there are plenty of yellow labs to be adopted and used to distract all-powerful Solomon Grundy-types at your local humane society.
You'll want to get a bald eagle on any team you put together to fight injustice to prove how much you love America, or else you could end up a target of the government. It's not that the animal Justice League couldn't handle some predator drones, but who needs the distraction, you know?
The cheetah would handle the SPEED for the animal Justice League. Although, I'm not sure what specifically the cheetah would be running from. Or to. What did the Flash do for the Justice League? Which villains were able to be defeated by running fast? Is it easier to defeat Black Adam if he's sad from being reminded that he's slipped on his New Year's Resolution to go jogging every day?
This stupid big-mouth bird
This bird is a living utility belt. Not even Batman's utility belt was alive. So take THAT, real Justice League! Looks like the score is Animal Justice League: 1, Real Justice League: significantly more than 1.
What animals would you recruit for your animal Justice League? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Product placement has been around for a long time. You can see it in just about every movie and TV show that you watch. Even old cave drawings can be found where all of the people in it are killing a wooly mammoth with "Uglunkitin And Sons Old Timey Bone Spears." It makes sense that this noble tradition would transfer to the new media of video games. Sometimes the products are integrated well. Maybe a character will have a certain brand of phone and drive a certain kind of car. A lot of times, that product placement isn't so smooth. Here are the most blatant product placements in video games.
Crazy Taxi had a lot of tie-ins with retail stores. That makes sense to me. Sometimes you just got to get to Tower Records to pick up that new Justin Bieber record NOW. The one place in this game that made no sense to me was Pizza Hut. What kind of moron would take a taxi to Pizza Hut? Pizza Hut delivers pizzas. Just stay at home and order your pizza. That way when you get sick from eating a ton of gross pizza you will be in the comfort of your own home instead of puking in the back of a taxi that's swerving wildy all over the road.
The product placement in this game is so bad that it completely took over the entire game. Yo! Noid is really the Japanese game Kamen no Ninja Hanamaru. For the American market, it was released with the title character replaced with the Domino's Pizza mascot. There are always tons of terrible games based on marketing for fast food. Yo! Noid was actually pretty fun. I kind of wish they would do this with more fun Japanese games that would never otherwise get brought over the America. I wouldn't mind it if I had to play as Jared from Subway shooting footlongs at bad guys as long as the game was fun.
Billboards in racing games is pretty common. That's because racing games started out by having billboard advertisements in them with the Pole Position series. There are several versions of the game with different billboards. Most of the billboards are for things like soda pop or other video games. Some Japanese versions actually have billboards for booze and cigarettes. That's not something you would ever find in a modern racing game. I don't care how edgy your game might pretend to be.
A lot of games try to incorperate their advertisements in to the game in some fun way. Not Counter-Strike. They just started putting random movie posters on walls for no reason. It was pretty distracting when you were in a heated stand-off with some sneaky terrorists. Why is there an advertisement for a terrible direct to DVD movie on the wall of this Aztec temple?
Fight Night: Round 3
The Burger Kind is an unlockable trainer in Fight Night Round 3. This is a boxing game not a competitive eating game. I don't feel that the Burger King is properly qualified to train a professional boxer. I'm pretty sure the sessions would consist of eating 6 Whoppers and then taking a long nap. That's what I do whenever I go to Burger King.
Everquest did something kind of awesome with their Pizza Hut promotion. An MMORPG gives you pretty much every need you could ever want except one. You would still have to log out occasionally to get food. Everquest 2 made it so you could order actual Pizza Hut pizza in game and have it delivered to your house. I wish every game would do this. I would love to be playing Halo or Call Of Duty and have some Chinese food delivered. Now I just need to give every a delivery place a copy of my keys so I don't have to get up to answer the door.
If you play on-line video games, then there is a good chance you saw an ad for Barack Obama. In 2008, he had political ads in 18 different games. They must have thought it worked because they advertised in video games again during the 2012 election. I can't wait to see what kind of ads they run in the next election. My prediciton for 2016 is that one of the debates will take place inside World Of Warcraft. I would definitely vote for anyone that promised me a Teebu's Blazing Longsword.
Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
This one is pretty ridiculous. In the Japanese version of this game, you could drink Mountain Dew, eat Doritos, and wear Axe deoderant. The problem is that this game is supposed to be about stealth. I don't think you're going to be able to sneak up on anyone if you can't stop burping and farting from all of the Doritos and Mountain Dew you just had. I guess wearing Axe is a good disguise though. If you get caught, the bad guys will just think you're from an MTV reality show.
What advertisements have you seen in video games? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Some of these might seem odd. But, centuries from now, they will look back and wonder why we would eat giant red sea bugs and then silently stare at a glowing wall in a room full of people in order to get laid. And then they will holoscissor.
How 'Bout Them Apples
Bavaria, where it's rumored the Sexy retreats to in order to be retrieved.
In the 19th Century Bavarian ladies would place slices of apple under their armpits and then dance the night away. When they were through they would hand them off to the men they were interested in. If it was a mutual attraction, they would then eat it.
I've made a terrible mistake.
Kreung Shack Baby
Can I holla atcha? Holla, holla holla
They may live in a remote region of Cambodia, but the Kreung tribe are very progressive when it comes to sex and love. Parents will build huts on their property where their daughter can explore her sexuality with prospective suitors. We have this too but it's called our 20s. The concept may be a little taboo for westerners with the ages of these girls sometimes going as low as 13, but the tribe allows these young women to embrace and take ownership of their sexuality without shame and and their own terms. Which is exemplary in this day and age. Incidentally, the Kreung have an almost unheard of lack of divorce so something is going right.
Movement of Dai People
The Dai people of China have many rituals to find love. One involves a suitor serenading a lucky gal who if interested will take out a small stool for him to sit on by her for the evening.
This doing anything for ya?
ItÕs kind of like speed dating but with dignity.
So, whats your name? Im Bruu...wait a second!
When I say love spoon, you obviously thought of these guys:
None of you thought of these guys.
But in Welsh and some Scandinavian traditions, crafty suitors would carve incredibly precise wood spoons to woo their lady love. They carved symbolic language; symbols that embodied loyalty and even how many kids their looking to pop out with them. Ive always been told spooning leads to forking.
My spoon is too big. Like my heart.
Speaking of forking, let me tell you about the kinktastic New England custom of Bundling. Back when the colonies were still under British rule, some parents would allow young folks who were courting to share a bed.
There is nothing hotter than direct parental eye contact.
Each person would be swaddled in their own blanket and then separated by a block of wood to prevent Hanky Pilgrim Panky. I'd like to think they had great conversations while being human burritos in heat.
Mmm burritos in heat.
I have to be honest. When I was researching rituals I read this one as filling instead of filing. And Im no stranger to filling rituals.
This is indecent.
But the actual ritual performed by some Balinese Hindu is a filing down of the canines to vanquish animal instincts like greed and jealousy to make way for adulthood. Only then can they be considered ready to marry - where sitcoms have told me no filling is done by either party ever.
Itsh oweh speshal deh!.
Any ritual you want to try out? Let us know in the comments!
If you've ever watched Teen Jeopardy, you know it's populated by nerd kids who look like they were born nine months premature, wearing dandruff-laden suits and somehow talking at age 12 like they're in the goddamn British Parliament. And while that's who populated two thirds of the most recent tournament, those weird little wiener kids were soundly defeated by Little Rock, Arkansas' Leonard Cooper.
And he did it without even giving a sh*t.
Cooper shrugged his way through a bunch of questions and rolled his eyes when he got a Daily Double, only to bet all his money on the question and take the lead. Later, when Cooper wins the game by answering the question "On June 6 1944 he said 'the eyes of the world are upon you'" with the the nonchalant answer "WHO IS some guy in Normandy But I just won 75,000!", Jeopardy host Alex Trebek forced a laugh and called Cooper over to congratulate him. Trebek went on to say "One of the thing I love about the teen tournament is these guys have marvelous senses of humor!" But I have to imagine Trebek hates people dicking around on Jeopardy. There is no way Trebek didn't totally wreck up his dressing room after the show.
"I SHALL SUFFER NO DISRESPECT. NOT IN MY HOOOOOME."
Here's my question — did Cooper have to write down that he'd won 75,000 before he'd won 75,000? I mean, you can't go back and change your answer after your opponents have already shared theirs, can you? If the other kids had gotten it right, or bet bigger, I assume Cooper's answer would still read "I just won 75,000".
It's not a huge deal to lose at Jeopardy — two thirds of its contestants always do — but to brag about winning before you've actually won? That added stakes to the final round. It's like at the end of A Few Good Men, when Naval lawyer Tom Cruise can mostly question his superior officer Jack Nicholson like he would any other witness, but accusing him of murder could send Tom Cruise to jail.
"Holy christ, I really can't handle the truth."
Had Cooper written that he'd won, and proceeded to not win, this would be a much different story — one about the most shameful bravado ever displayed on a game show.
Well, maybe the second most shameful bravado ever displayed on a game show.
She got the question wrong despite the fact that she was a Roman deity.
What would you do with 75,000 dollars? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 10 Things To Try When You Become Super Rich!
At one time or another we’ve all wondered “Why can’t life be like the movies? After all, that would mean I’d be getting paid for starring as myself. Plus, it would almost certainly end on a happy note. And maybe I’d even get to pilot a spaceship.” But when it comes to romance movies, it’s best that when we see the following moves on the screen we never repeat them in real life …
Wait Until the Last Minute
In movies the late, surprising display of love is known by the very romantic term “Act Three.” It’s the whole reason you spent the first 80 minutes watching two people (that you already know are meant to be together because their names appear over the words “Nicholas Sparks” on the poster) do everything possible to screw it up after the happy montage scene at the carnival. But in real life if you wait until the last minute you’ll find that the supposed love of your life has either moved on, put you squarely in the friend zone, or is wondering how you thought crashing a wedding would not end with her brothers and various groomsmen beating the crap out of you.
Tell Someone You Choose Them
Romantic movies often require the main character to choose between two potential partners—one who is clearly their perfect match and one who is so unbelievably unpleasant their last name might as well be “Kittenkicker.” And when the main character finally does make his or her choice, their pick is overjoyed (and the audience is just happy they didn’t pay extra to see the whole fiasco in 3-D). However, if you ever said to someone “I finally decided on you” or “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe…” the response wouldn’t be “Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!” so much as them shoving a foot so far up your ass that when you open your mouth people can read the words “Steve Madden.”
Hire a Violinist for Your Private Dinner
In romantic movies (and even TV shows) there is inevitably the scene where one character surprises the other with a private rooftop dinner, complete with candlelight, chilled champagne, and a personal violinist. Then the two lovers can have a perfect evening as the violin music slowly fades away so you can hear their conversation. But if you hired a violinist he would still be outside with you as an awkward third party, probably listening in on your conversation as he plays, watching as you two make out, and even asking if the two of you are going to finish your dinner now that you’re both half-naked so he can pull up a chair and dig in before the food gets cold.
Pretend to Be Someone You’re Not
In films it is remarkably easy to simply put on a disguise or assume a new identity to get close to the person you long for and want to learn more about. It’s also remarkably easy for you to do that as well, although on this side of the movie screen it goes by such names “catfishing,” “stalking,” “illegally assuming a false identity” or “realizing a fake mustache falls off after minimal sweating.”
Consult a Wacky Friend
Every person in a romantic comedy has a wild best friend who freely gives love advice despite the fact they’ve never had a relationship last longer than a champagne room visit. But that’s okay because apparently the friend’s only job is to listen to the protagonist go on and on and ON about how much they miss/long for/hate but really love the other main character. Try that with your own friend, however, and after about the sixth time you say “How can I get her to notice me without doing something as obvious as asking her out?” your best pal will remove your name from their cell phone, block your messages on Facebook, and probably just start hurling fists every time you show up on the same block as them.
Fall in Love at First Sight
In movies nothing says “true love” like suddenly falling for someone you just saw across the street, on a train, or holding your best friend’s hand. In reality, though, nothing says “between prescriptions,” “clearly raised by wolves” or “looking for people who all wear size 12 so you can stitch together your own human skin costume” like suddenly chasing after someone simply because they looked in your direction when you accidentally dropped all your lithium pills on the subway platform.
What do you for Valentine's Day? And to whom? Let us know in the comments!
Generally, when friends graduate from high school, they go their separate ways — to college, the workforce, their parents' basement — and lose touch with each other. But this group of friends, who went to high school together in Spokane, Washington, have managed to stay close. And they do this by staying far apart, from one member of the group at least. They have a 23 year-long standing game of tag. Which is, to me, the most horrifying way to play tag.
These children are already trapped in their eternal prison.
This endless game of tag started when the group was in high school, when the game was scheduled to end on their last day. On that fateful day, Joe Tombari tried and failed to tag one of his friends and was therefore dubbed "It" for life. But eight years later, he and his friends reconvened and decided to start the game up again.
And now, Tombari and his friends live in a perpetual state of fear. Mike Konesky broke into the house of Brian Dennehy's house late at night to tag him. Sean Raftis once jumped out of the trunk of a car to catch Tombari, and scared Mrs. Tombari into falling and injuring her knee.
This groups' feelings, their humanity, has been purged. They care about nothing but Tag.
The group, now in their 40s, has limited to the game to the month of February, since no man can live with this danger looming over their year-round. At the end of the month, whoever is It is It for the entire year. Consolidating all this high-pressure tag action into one month means that is one month these men spend without sleep.
This is what the city of Akron, Ohio looks like after a month without sleep.
The game was ostensibly started for the group to keep in touch, but after Mike Konesky traveled across the country to wait in the bushes and tag Chris Ammann and not only didn't tag him, but didn't even see him, that pretense went out the window. I initially wanted to talk some sense into these guys. If you're flying across the country to see your friend, just go see your friend. But after considering it for a second, I wondered who I was to tell someone else how best to keep in touch with the people in their lives? It seems ridiculous to me, sure, but if waiting in the bushes and attacking the knees of their spouses makes these guys feel connected to each other, then by all means. But be warned, a long-standing game with friends doesn't guarantee that you'll stay in touch.
I've been playing Quack Quack Spots Back with some friends for over 16 years
and they could be dead for all I know.
What's the longest game of anything you and your friends have played together? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Russian Woman Gets A Guy's Name Tattooed ON HER FACE
Parents are often the unsung heroes of TV shows. Forced into one of two roles (either the horrible task masters, or the idiots constantly being outsmarted by their children) it’s rare you get TV parents who are good, well rounded characters. But it does happen sometimes (hence my use of “rare” in the previous sentence), and when it does, oh man… you get a well rounded character. Sorry the build up on that, I thought I had something more dramatic up my sleeve. Who are these infamous excellent parents-as-TV-characters? Well, scroll down and discover the 7 Most Realistic TV Parents:
Hal & Lois, “Malcolm in the Middle”
On Malcolm in the Middle, Frankie Muniz played the middle child who was a genius (hilarious in retrospect) but was stuck with his family made up mostly of loud oafs. But this is where the depth came in, because Hal & Lois were proud of their son, they also were his parents, so they didn’t care that he was a genius. To them, he was the same petulant know it all that came into this naked and screaming (as we all do). Also, they often had their own storylines that in no way revolved around their kids. Like the time Hal became a meth dealer in New Mexico.
Hank & Peggy Hill, “King of the Hill”
Maybe it’s just because they were so similar to my own parents, what with her overconfidence attempting to cover up her sometimes lack of confidence, and his discomfort with his weird son’s weirder interests, but these two always struck me as eerily realistic. He’s even got his own bizarre infatuation, “propane and propane accessories”, and she likes Boggle, and stuff. Plus, they still love each other, which actually should count as a not realistic quality…
The Weirs, “Freaks & Geeks”
Why were they so realistic? Because the whole show was realistic! THIS WAS THE MOST DEPRESSING REALISTIC SHOW EVER ON TELEVISION! It only makes sense that the parents would follow the same path. Plus, the writers clearly had a lot of affection for the characters, so they never seemed dumb, just a little out of touch with the changing times.
Marie & Frank Barone, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
These are, of course, Ray’s parents on Everybody Loves Raymond. And maybe they just seem realistic because I do not understand how anyone could ever love a person as miserable as Debra always was. It was the rare sitcom you’d watch and think “HE can do better.”
Dexter’s Parents, “Dexter’s Laboratory”
These two literally had no idea that their son was a mad scientist. JUST LIKE REAL PARENTS! I got into all sorts of trouble when I was young, or at least I would have if my parents had not been incredibly busy to deceive because they were busy living their own lives. Of course, “living their own lives” really meant “Working all the time to provide for a family”, but it still had the same outcome as if they were just partying, and stuff.
The Taylors, “Friday Night Lights”
I don’t know if they’re all THAT realistic, but they do seem like the greatest parents on Earth, so they’re making the list.
Leela’s Parents, “Futurama”
Are any of you mutants? I’m not either, so who the hell are we to judge whether or not this was an accurate portrayal?
You guys doing okay? Let us know in the comments!
I hate the term “chick flicks,” since “chick” is evocative of an undiscerning baby chicken. But because this appears to be a pervasive movie genre, let’s take a step back and examine why it is that many guys drag their feet to these romantically inclined films. My guess is they hate love and hope. Or their flick picker is off. Here are some chick flicks even guys will like.
When Harry Met Sally
”Can guys and girls be friends?” – the age-old question in real-life coed interactions. What guy doesn’t harbor secret friend zone fantasies? Plus, there’s that famous scene where Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm in a public place, which is also probably a secret guy fantasy.
You’ve Got Mail
Along those same Meg Ryan lines, never underestimate the power of 90’s America Online nostalgia. Guys everywhere will smile thinking of that dial-up sound, and by the time the movie is over, they’ll be robot-voicing, “Goodbye,” to preconceived notions about films and fate.
Ryan Gosling has the power to transcend gender boundaries. He’s an extremely sexy man. He’s also the dude from Drive. Reconcile that how you will. In the end, everyone’s onboard with Gos making out with Regina George in the rain.
He’s Just Not That Into You
Guy friends love to use this phrase when giving you advice. So it follows that they’d love to see an entire 129-minute movie about this piece of advice. (And about how that advice is proved wrong sometimes… suckas!) Also, E from Entourage alert.
Silver Linings Playbook
You guys might be like, that’s an Oscar-nominated film! That’s not a chick flick! Umm… let’s see here: jilted lover, man and woman healing each other, ballroom dancing… yep, that’s a chick flick. It just happens to have De Niro and some football stuff in it. You have been duped!
Written by women, starring women, and (seemingly) for women, Bridesmaids is a chick-flick-hater’s worst nightmare. Until he actually sits down to watch it. And then he’s like, this is so funny! And there’s poop! There’s poop everywhere! Poop and boobs! Do we have your attention now?
What other “chick flicks” would guys like? Let us know in the comments!
There are a lot of really great first person shooters, but not all of them are revolutionary. Most of them try to be fun, but don't have a lot of ambition past that. There are those certain games that change the way people think about gaming. They take the genre and revolutionize it so much that every game after it is affected by it. In other words, these are the games that everyone ripped off. Here are the most influential first person shooters.
Duck Hunt was packaged with the NES in a cartridge that contained both Duck Hunt and some game about plumbers. To play Duck Hunt, you used the NES Zapper light gun which was also included. People always give Mario a ton of credit for changing the gaming industry. I think they are too quick to forget that there were two games on that cartridge.
Why It Was Important
Like most kids, Duck Hunt was my introduction to the first person perspective in a shooting game. Duck Hunt wasn't the first light gun shooting game on a console. The Magnovox Odyssey had one a few years before. The thing about the Magnavox Odyssey is that no one actually played it.
Before Duck Hunt, I had never seen a game that gave you a first person perspective. I was used to playing top down or side scrolling shooter games. It was mind blowing to me to actually feel like I was in the video game. There was no more avatar of my player. I was the player. It made me feel as though I had become one with the game.
Look at the entire history of first person shooters after Duck Hunt. If it wasn't for Duck Hunt, we might still be playing Contra rip-offs. Plus it was one of the earliest examples of a sassy side kick who would make fun of you. That stupid dog was always right there to laugh in your face if you missed all of the ducks. Jokes on you, dog. I only missed those ducks because I was shooting at you.
Everyone remembers the first time they saw Doom. I had never seen anything like it. You played as a space marine fighting actual demons from Hell. If you look at the graphics now, they look pretty cheesy. At the time, Doom was one of the most insane games on the market. It was definitely not a game that parents were happy about.
Why It Was Important
What sucked me in to Doom was the promise of sweet demon slaying. What kept me playing was the fact that Doom was a great game. It was the perfect balance of gameplay, graphics, and design. The team that made Doom had previously made Wolfenstein 3D. While Wolfenstein was great, it was very limited in how complicated the levels were. The levels were all based on a grid, they had to all be on one floor, and the textures were pretty limited. The new engine created for Doom allowed for a multiple floors, more complex floor plans, and way more textures.
Doom also had the best weapons of any game. You start with a chainsaw and work your way up to the BFG 9000. This set the bar pretty high for all later games to try to include really crazy big guns. It's still pretty common to hear someone say, "Oh, that's this game BFG."
Doom cemented the personal computer as the platform to play first person shooters. Since it was released initially as a free shareware game, Doom might be the most played video game on the planet. Doom supported multiplayer that was so popular that many schools and companies had to ban it because employees were wasting so much time during work hours playing the game and clogging up their local network. I wish I worked at a place that let me sit around and play video games all day. Oh, wait. I do. LOVE YOU SMOSH!
I don't think I've played any game more than Goldeneye. I explored every single pixel in that game. It seemed like there was always some new secret or fun way to complete a level. If you've never completed the facility using only slappers then you can't possibly call yourself a true GoldenEye fan.
Why It Was Important
No one expected anything out of this game. It was a licensed game, and most of the people on the development team had never even worked on a video game before. Plus, no one thought a first person shooter would even be worth playing on console. PCs heavily dominated the market when it came to first person shooters.
The depth of this game is unreal. It gave you options like no game had before and made you feel like you were really inside of a living world rather than just following along a preplanned path. In addition to just running around shooting every, there were tons of optional objectives that could be completed or not. This doesn't seem like that big of a deal now, but back then it felt like the first time I really had true freedom in a game. They even let you drive a tank in one level, and give you the freedom to blow yourself up.
Before GoldenEye, you had to play first person shooters on PC. This game showed the world that it really was possible to make a first person shooter on a console that was fun in both single and multiplayer levels. After GoldenEye, tons of first person shooting games started to be developed for console. Even though the market became flooded with games, none of them were anywhere close to as good as GoldenEye. Seriously though, I love this game and I do plan to name my first child GoldenEye. Any ladies out there looking to get knocked up with an N64 love child?
I was a little late to the Half-Life party. I played Counter-Strike LAN games at the local internet cafe for a long time before I even realized that Counter-Strike was just a multiplayer MOD of a much more awesome game. When I first started playing it, I didn't really know what to expect. What I got was one of the most fun and immersive gaming experiences that I ever had up until that point.
Why It Was Important
Valve, the developers of Half-Life, wanted to create a totally new experience from any of game that had come out before. They did this by getting rid of cut scenes. In most games when the story needed to advance, a lame cut scene would pop up and you'd have to take a break from the game for a little bit to watch some dumb movie. All of the events in Half-Life that would normally have been a cut scene instead happened in real time in front of you in the game. When you combine this, the excellent controls, and the challenging puzzles, you get a perfect storm of awesomeness.
The other thing that Valve did right was to encourage third party developers to MOD their game. They released everything someone would need to make their own game from scratch. There's no way they could have anticipated the flood of new games created by third party developers. A lot of times when people MOD a game, it turns out kind of crappy. Most of the Half-Life mods came out great because there was so much support from the developers. Each one is memorable and fun for different reasons. The most popular, of course, is Counter-strike.
Half-Life went on to win just about every video game award it possibly could. It even was cited by The Guinness Book Of World Records as the best selling first person shooter of all time. One game winning that many awards definitely shook up the video game industry. Especially on PC, every first person shooter that is released is still compared to Half-Life.
Half-Life's popularity also had another unexpected side effect. Because there were so many awesome mods, Valve needed a place to release them all. That place is Steam. Steam is the on-line home of all of Valve's games and mods. It has since expended in to one of the largest video game distributors. The cool thing about Steam is that you can access all of the games you have purchased. It's so handy to be able to shelve games temporarily and then re-download them when I feel like playing them again. I still log in to Counter-Strike sometimes for fun. If you want to find me on-line, I'm the one charging in to battle blasting my M-249.
Halo: Combat Evolved
I can't tell you how many hours that I logged playing friends in Halo. This game was so fun. I don't think I had this fun of a multiplayer experience since Goldeneye. That is about the highest compliment that I could give a game.
Why It Was Important
There aren't a lot of games that are so good that they popularize an entire gaming system. When Halo came out, everyone wanted to get an Xbox. Honestly, I don't think the Xbox would have even caught on if it wasn't for Halo. Like most people, I already owned a PS2 so it didn't really seem necessary until I actually got to play Halo for myself. Then I had to have it.
Halo came out before Xbox Live so it didn't support on-line play. What it did support was hooking up four Xbox's so you could get up to sixteen players in one game. I was only able to achieve this a few times in my life, but each time was one of the happiest days of my life.
Halo's perfect combination of great controls and fun to drive vehicles made it an instant classic. It became the standard by which all other console first person shooters were judged. It's no coincidence that just about every new game has vehicles in it.
What do you think is the most important FPS of all time? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Is there anything that can bring someone more derision than an utterly misguided selfie? I mean we all do selfies. It's the easiest way to get a flattering picture of yourself taken.And clearly we're all hand-selecting an image that we find to be most flattering...duh! I don't care about that. I mean what are we supposed to do roll out of bed and take a picture of ourselves with absolutely no filters or adjustments? But there are some selfie cliches that should be avoided at all cost! Like these!
Trying To Be Sexy And Failing Miserably
You know the minute you try to be sexy, you've already failed, right? Ducklips, flexing ab pics, amateur FHM photo shoots with your neglected kids in the background, are all the opposite of sexy. Whenever I see a 'sexy' selfie I always think "That person thinks they look really hot in that pic." Then I get really depressed and feel like maybe I'm the one who doesn't know what's cool and sexy. And then I remember that I don't care. Yay!
Taking It In An Inapproprite Place
Are people always just thinking about taking pics of themselves? I seriously never think about it. Like certainly not at my Nana's funeral. Or like in a Port-a-Potty. I couldn't find one, but I guarantee you that there's a picture of a duck-faced white girl throwing out a gang sign in a Port-a-Potty somewhere on the internet. I'll find you one day poopy selfie!
Not Doing A Background Check First
Please, when taking a selfie always do a background check. No one wants to see your crazy old uncle's plumber butt or your dog humping a pool float in the background. It's really for your own good. Do you wanna take a photo like the one above where the girl's basically lying on a doodoo pillow? Funny pic lady, but for the reason you think.
Using Laptops or iPads To Take The Picture In A Mirror
Come on now, fools! Even the ironic ones are getting tired.
Selfies should only be done when you're alone. Otherwise why wouldn't you ask the person there to take the pic for you? Well, I guess if they're washing their hands you wouldn't, but that's why YOU DON'T TAKE PICS IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS! So that's another thing you should avoid. Don't spend any more time than you have to in a public restroom, people.
Selfies should appear to come about naturally. Like 'Hey I'm sitting in front of my laptop,looking kind of cute, let me snap a pic." or 'Me and my BFF are in the same room with Chris Brown, who's being a total a-hole to a waiter. Let's pretend we're taking a selfie just to get him in the background." There's nothing natural about holding a lawnmower. It is hilarious however. Just this one time, I'll accept it.
Do Anything With Old People Or Babies
Just leave old people and babies out of your desperate attempts to look appealing. It makes us think you're even jerkier than we already think you are. I just don't think memeber of 'The Greatest Generation' should be reduced to helping their granddaughter take a skanky pic.
Basically Anything That Reeks Of Desperation
So remember when Justin Bieber tried to hijack the Grammy Awards telecast by airing his competing Live Stream at the same time? And then it crashed and was just kind of a big fail? And then to make up for it he posted some topless selfies? Yeah, don't do something like that. Also Justin, stop being such a dick about not being nominated for a Grammy. I used to feel bad about making fun of him, but now that he's become kind of a jerk I don't! Yay! I'm no longer a jerk who makes fun of a nice kid! Team Selena 4EVA!
What are some selfie cliches you want to end? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
Whether you’re single or occupied there’s no escaping the pink and red heart shaped vomit this time of year. You could be bitter about it, taking it up with the other lonely hearts of facebook by drunk stalking their exes. Or have eleven coronaries trying to figure out what gift to buy your sweetie to not get you dumped. Or, you could watch these films about how love ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be and call it a day.
Sometimes a person can be choosey in the partners they pick. Or, in the case of May, the body parts.
9. She Devil
I hear they’re making a remake with Lena Dunham and Dakota Fanning. I’ll let you guess who is playing who.
8. The First Wives Club
This film helped my mom get over her divorce from my Dad. Self-love never sucks and neither do any of the leads in the First Wives Club.
The film that made a whole generation conflicted about what they should be taking out of the film (hint: it’s abuse does not equal love not Mark Wahlberg was a stone cold fox back in the day. Side-note: If the fox is stone cold, it probably means it’s dead).
Teeth is the stirring biopic of a young Dame Judi Dench.
5. Fatal Attraction
When people say, “Bitches be crazy” they’re talking about Glen Close in Fatal Attraction. Maybe Glenn Close in general.
Even if everyone lived happily ever after in Closer, the break-up scene between Clive Owen and Julia Roberts is the most intense bare knuckle boxing match you’ll ever see without a single physical punch thrown.
3. Double Indemnity
The film noir all film noir’s crib from. When an unsuspecting man falls for the wrong dame, bodies hit the floor and money isn’t the only “m” word on everyone’s lips (it’s marmoset! Jk, it’s MURDER).
2. War Of The Roses
Love doesn’t just sour in War of the Roses. In this hilarious dark comedy about the dissolution of a once promising marriage, love becomes the acidy spit of the aliens in the Alien franchise.
1. Blue Valentine
If you want to cry with the intensity of a thousand Mufasa death scenes then rent Blue Valentine. Because who doesn’t want to get attached to a heartbreakingly beautiful love only to watch it die over the course of a couple hours?
What is your favorite film about the many splendored suckfests (don’t google) of love? Want to tell me how much you loved (500) Days of Summer? Let’s do that and eat some ice cream together in the comments!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter so we can coordinate voodoo dolls.
Performers have been known to make poor career choices, but usually those choices involve their actual careers. But it takes a certain kind of celebrity to go out of their comfort zone and make a complete ass out of themselves in a whole new arena, whether it involves food, cosmetics, panties, or even death…
The Kardashians: Kardashian Kredit Kard
First, let’s try to get past the realization that this product’s initials are “KKK,” which of course we can’t. Second, let’s also try to get past the impossible visual of anyone handing this card over to a cashier or even an ATM machine with anything resembling pride or a direct gaze. And instead let’s concentrate on how this was a prepaid credit card aimed at kids that required a $100 activation fee, cost an additional $10 a month to use, came with a high fee for every time you did use it, and was eventually cancelled because it violated almost every consumer protection law imaginable, even those that usually have to do with poisoned medicine or exploding cars.
Bob Dylan: Victoria’s Secret
In an apparent attempt to create a lucrative synergy between sequined bras and seventysomething-year-old men, Victoria’s Secret commissioned Bob Dylan to record an exclusive CD for the store chain. A CD that equated “hot and heavy” with a harmonica solo and nasal congestion. A CD that came complete with all the Dylan tracks that have long been used by couples who have given up on romance or comprehensible lyrics. A CD that when prominently seen in Victoria’s Secret stores had customers put back the lace tops and camis and just buy some flannel pajamas, no longer able to comprehend the very notion of sex.
Hulk Hogan: Pastamania
What do you do when you’re the biggest star in the World Wrestling Federation? You start selling traditional Italian cuisine with names like “Hulkaroos” and “Hulk-U” and countless other dishes that sound like Drakes cakes or off-brand cereals smothered in marinara sauce. Then you open up a “Pastamania” restaurant in the Mall of America in the understandable belief that if people are willing to consume their weight in cinnamon pretzels between Gap stores then they will certainly want to eat food inspired by getting one’s head smashed into a floor mat repeatedly. Alas, “Pastamania” proved far less a craze than “Hulkamania,” and so Hogan closed up shop in a year to return to his first love, screaming.
Lindsay Lohan: Sevin Nyne
By now making fun of Lindsay Lohan is about as easy as making fun of Lindsay Lohan. (Really, she’s fallen so low she’s her only possible comparison.) So instead of focusing on a once-successful actress trying to make ends meet by selling a tanning spray (the cosmetics equivalent of “Velveeta”) named after two misspelled numbers (most likely because “Sexty Nyne” was already a porn film she was offered) and featuring a formula reportedly stolen from a chemist (a chemist who specializes in spray-on tans, no doubt making his alma mater very proud), lets just applaud her for apparently showing up for her own product launch as indicated in the hopefully non-doctored photo above.
Sylvester Stallone: Pudding
Is there any possible word that more immediately conjures up images of fast-gaining muscle mass—of pure, absolute strength—than “pudding”? Well, perhaps “tea.” Or “biscuit.” Or “Ensure.” And is there any actor today’s young bodybuilders wish to emulate more than the aging star of “Rocky,” “Rambo,” and “The Expendables”? Well, perhaps the aging star of “The Terminator.” Or the aging star of “Die Hard.” Or “The Thing” at age 80. The point is, “Stallone Pudding” is available in a can, and there is no classier way possible to consume one’s nutrients. Well, perhaps out of a trough. Or off a sidewalk. Or wrapped in a brown paper bag that’s fooling no one.
It takes a certain kind of person to think people wish to be buried in the equivalent of an airbrushed van with satin lining and a small pillow. It takes a certain kind of performer to readily agree to have their face and autograph appear on something someone’s elderly relative is going to have to pass by to pay respects before asking what’s with all the demons on the lid. It takes a certain kind of person to pose next to their coffin while using it as a beer cooler. Clearly, Gene Simmons is that person.
Which one do you think is the weirdest? Let us know in the comments!
We've been getting tons of unsolicited e-mails from people asking for dating advice. I know that I'm no expect on dating so I figured I'd turn the questions over to some of our favorite cartoon characters. They seem like they have their lives together much better than I do. Here is dating advice from cartoon characters.
Finn The Human (Adventure Time)
My boyfriend is such a wimp. Everytime there is any kind of bug in the apartment, he jumps up on the table and start screaming like a harpy until I kill it. It doesn't matter how small they are. He's even afraid of ants. How can I get him to be more brave? - Sarah (Orlando, Florida)
"Oh, man. Sounds like you need to dump that dude and find yourself a real hero. If he can't even defeat an ant then how is he supposed to protect your from the Ultra Mega-Ant? Every princess deserves to have someone who can take care of you. Oh, wait. Unless you're the hero and he's the princess in the relationship. Dude! MODERN GENDER ROLES ARE SO CONFUSING!
Mrs. Potts (Beauty and the Beast)
I just started dating this girl and she's coming over soon for dinner. What beverage do you think I should serve with dessert? - Andy (Walla Walla, Washington)
With dessert, she'll want tea, and my dear that's fine with me. While the cups do their soft shoeing, I'll be bubbling. I'll be brewing. Just don't brew up green tea cause it give gas. It gives gas. It gives gas. It gives gas.
Zorak (Space Ghost)
I recently joined an on-line dating site, and I've been talking to this one guy I like a lot on it. He wants to meet. I know it's dumb because we live in 2013, but I still feel a little weird about meeting someone off the internet. Am I crazy for wanting to meet him? - Tamra (Excelsior Springs, Missouri)
Of course you should meet him. Are you a moron? You should take any opportunity you can get to bite off a mate's head and lay eggs in his stomach. Once you finish gestating your brood, you can conquer the Earth. MWa ha ha ha ha!
I have really strong feelings for my best friend's girl. It's driving me crazy. Should I keep quiet or tell her and risk awkwardness? - Will (Murfreesboro, TN)
Just tell her, bub. The best case scenario is that she decides that she likes you back and you have a wonderful and happy life together. The worst case scenario is that she'll be possessed by a space alien that ultimately destroys her, and then you move to Japan to try get over her. Why not go for it?
I've become suspicious that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. He keeps making secretive plans, and the other day one of my friends saw him out at a night club when he was supposed to be at the library studying. How do I find out if he's cheating on me? - Molly (Silver City, New Mexico)
I know that whenever I'm suspicious of Tygra I use my sixth sense to look in to the past to see if he's cheated on me and the future to see if he ever will cheat on me. So far, I haven't caught him doing anything wrong. If I ever did, I'd probably tell him we're going to Disneyland and then really take him to the vet to get him neutered.
Plankton (Spongebob Squarepants)
"I've been single for a while and I really want to meet a nice girl that gets along with me. What's the best way to meet your soul mate?" - Ronald (Waterloo, Iowa)
Meeting someone is over-rated. In this day and age, how are two people really supposed to connect and have anything in common? What you need to do is make your soul-mate. A custom built soul-mate will have the exact specifications you're looking for in a woman. And the best part is, you can turn her off when she yells at you!
My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately. His birthday is coming up and I want to do something really special, but am having trouble coming up with ideas. What do you think the perfect birthday date would be? - Lisa (Felton, Minnesota)
"What? Are you kidding me? This one is totally easy. The best way to a turtle's heart is through his stomach. Chow down an extra large pizza with double everything and then go skateboarding in the sewer. You're going to need to burn off some of those calories for the 5 post-skateboarding double extra large pizzas.
I've been dating the same guy for about 4 years. I'm really ready to get married and start a family, but my boyfriend doesn't think he's ready yet. I'm almost ready to give him an ultimatum that he has to marry me or we're through. What do you think I should do? - Allison (Kaizer, Oregon)
Koffing was nice enough to supply us with a video response:
Which cartoon do you think gave the best dating advice? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
It’s that magical time of the year again! No, not the NBA All-Star game (Gold help you if you were looking forward to what ended up being a god-awful dunk contest.) It’s Pope choosing time! While I’m sure the Vatican already has it’s list of candidates ready to go, it seems like the Popes are rarely that different from each other. Benedict was considered a “conservative” Pope, but who’s the last Pope you can think of who you’d describe as free-wheeling and ultra-liberal? That’s why I think they should broaden their horizons a bit, maybe go with an unorthodox pick. Celebrities already bring so much joy to our lives, why not let them also be the mouth piece of God? Here, now, after much thought (about twelve minutes) are 8 Celebrity Choices to Replace The Pope:
He’s already got a tone of live performance experience, so I bet he’d give a hell of an Easter mass from that balcony, and we know that his Mother, at least, is very Christian. Plus, as an added bonus, that giant hat would cover up his terrible hair styles.
Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, et al
I’ll be honest. This idea only intrigues me because of the vast amount of Pope based nacknames we could end up with. Some examples: Pope Daddy. P Popey. Popey. Poppa Popey. Dirty Popey Money. Popey Diddy Money. The Pope Who Dated Jennifer Lopez. And so on.
If you have watched basketball, you know not to question the leadership credentials of the man who kept the egos of kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, and Shaquille O’Neal in check. Sure, some Catholics might be unhappy with the idea of a Zen-Buddhist pope, but just wait until he starts running Sunday service using the triangle offense.
The Catholic church has had a lot of problems attracting new female members. You know what women love, perhaps to an unhealthy degree? Ryan Gosling. He’d just flash one of his weird, crooked smiles and talk in his fake new York accent, and the ladies would be lining up for communion in a heart beat.
No, wait, SCRATCH THIS ONE!!!!!! Also because, cheap jokes aside, he is dead.
Tom From MySpace
The main reason I’d like to see this happen? I’d just like to know Tom was busy, that he was feeling okay. A bit of a charity Pope appointment.
He’s looking for a new job, and after his terrible stint being a terrible governor, it’s probably good if we give him something with a lot fewer legislative duties. And he wouldn’t even need to learn the Latin that mass is usually performed in, because he’s so indecipherable no one would be able to tell the difference anyway.
Someone else who is currently looking for work, and since the Pope is driven around in the Popemobile whenever he leaves the Vatican, this would also serve the function of getting her out from behind the wheel. And I know, women cannot currently be ordained by the Catholic Church, but I really feel like we could pull the wool over their eyes on this one. Lindsay Lohan’s years of abusing herself via partying have left the appearance of someone who could, in fact, be a man in his late sixties and older.
What games got ruined for you by bad imitators? What?! My father designed that game, how dare you!? Let us know in the comments!
Five men from Australia were arrested today after a five-month long police investigation involving a YouTube video, handcuffs, underwear, an overpass camera, and terrified pedestrians came to a close.
That sounds like either the most or the least sexy game of Clue.
The prank involved a fake kidnapping, and the supposed victim was locked in the trunk of a car. When he escaped, handcuffed and in his underwear, pedestrians observing called the police. The event was filmed NOT ONLY by a freeway overpass but by the quote unquote "kidnappers", who were filming a prank video to put up on YouTube.
And despite the fact that I couldn't find the video itself — what, does Australia keep all the evidence of ongoing investigations guarded by kangaroos? — I can picture it in my head. And it sounds hilarious.
"Ha ha! That man is in danger! Ha HA!"
And now, after somehow investigating the incident for over five months, the police have finally arrested the perpetrators, charging them with "creating a false belief". So, if creating a false belief is a crime in Australia, I guess they arrest every politician, lawyer, and employee who calls in "sick" as well?
Is that where Nicole Kidman's been? Is she locked up in Australia jail
for creating a false belief with her stunning performance in The Hours?
And this isn't the only story of a Youtube-based prank going legally awry, as Charles Ross was arrested for giving strangers wedgies. Guys, listen to me — even if something is a "prank", it is still an action you are taking in the real world. That means you can still be held accountable for it by the law. Don't think that filming it for Youtube is going to get you off the hook.
"Hey man, relax! This is just a prank for my channel!"
What videos have you put up on YouTube that would get you arrested? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Student Exposes His Balls In Yearbook Photo!
The problem with most video games is that eventually you either finish them or become bored due to their repetitive play. But by simply introducing a main character from a different game you can add an exciting new dimension of play…or just annoy the hell out of anyone playing with you.
“Assassin’s Creed 3” Starring Kirby
Why spend all that time hiding under cover of night or behind trees, talking great pains to aim your arrow correctly, or even bothering putting on pants when you can just run around like a giant gumball off his meds, happily bouncing off fort walls, spitting out throwing stars, and simply devouring Redcoats whole, thereby instantly gaining such British Army powers as carefully reloading a musket and knowing how long to let a cup of Earl Grey tea steep.
“The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim” Starring Link
Link’s exploits have always been of the family-friendly variety, good for a little fun but never truly heart-pounding or frankly head-removing. But by dropping everyone’s favorite Hylian teen into the continent of Tamriel, Link would experience overwhelming adventures that will not only truly make him a man but also perhaps cause him to lose his freaking mind (as indicated in the above screenshot), and that is always good for an added level of exciting game play.
“Galaga” Starring Master Chief
Already well seasoned in fighting aliens with a hive-like mentality, Halo’s Master Chief would have no problem whatsoever fighting off hordes of insect-like creatures, to the point the game would last only six seconds and involve far more charred remains than usual. But this would give Master Chief plenty of additional time to then focus on repeatedly killing the ghosts in the “Ms. Pac-Man” game that usually comes combined with “Galaga” in all those pizza restaurants and bars hoping to recapture the glory days of 1982.
“Madden NFL” Starring Mario
Mario has proven his athletic prowess again and again in racing, both Summer and Winter Olympics, and even beating the crap out of Kirby. So it’s only a matter of time before he takes to the football field. Of course, his tendency to become gigantic, throw fireballs, fly, and run around in a raccoon suit would incur numerous fines from the NFL. But Mario could easily afford the costs given his uncanny ability to find boxes full of gold coins always floating overhead.
”Wii Sports Resort” Starring Big Daddy
Who doesn’t enjoy hanging out with the Mii tourists of “Wii Sports Resort”? But after a few games of mild golf, easygoing bowling, and mind-numbing Frisbee, even your grandmother will eventually throw her Wii remote at the screen and yell, “Come on! Give me a game with some real balls!” That’s why the resort should hire the hulking protectors from “Bioshock” as security guards. Then they could patrol the grounds looking for the slightest hint of improper behavior and deliver an immediate, impaling response that would cause any player to start sweating the moment they even consider a round of table tennis.
”Oregon Trail” Starring Call of Duty Zombies
Death by cholera, dysentery, typhoid, measles, and even just being too tired to live. The fact the wagon train of “Oregon trail” has yet to be attacked by zombies seems more an oversight on the programmers’ part and frankly an inevitable conclusion to a grim adventure that at one point probably ends with a drive-by shooting from a “Grand Theft Auto” motorist.
What video game characters do you want to see switch games? Let us know in the comments below!
Mario and Luigi are the two best-known plumbers ever, but when was the last time you saw them fix a toilet? The only person nearly as famous for a job she doesn't do is Kristen Stewart. Let's take a look at what the Mushroom Kingdom would be like if it had actual plumbers instead of filthy lying Italians.
Piranha Plants Exterminated
Mario never does his actual job. (Look, buddy, I enjoy eating mushrooms and killing turtles as much as the next guy, but I don't let it get in the way of my work.) A real plumber would see "thousands of ravenous spike monsters infesting the whole Kingdom's pipes" as reason enough to get out the Drano. The only downside? Some of those Piranhas have kids. It isn't easy telling Petey Jr. he's an orphan.
Crash In Mushroom Supply
BIOLOGY LESSON TIME: mushrooms grow in poo! This is probably the whole reason the Mushroom Kingdom is the way it is, because no one ever disposes of waste properly. If real plumbers figured a way to get the place's pipes working, what would happen to the Toads??? (I'll skip ahead a few steps and tell you: most of them would die.)
Bowser Would Be Way Harder To Beat
You think Bowser LIKES having lava all up in his castle? Naw, man. That guy just needs a proper drainage system. If real plumbers checked the place out, the first thing they'd do is make absolutely sure that bridge Bowser hangs out isn't inches away from molten rock. Then you'd actually need to beat him, which is hard, because he's big and hard and spiky.
Bonus Room Riches!
Plenty of pipes in the Kingdom lead to rooms that apparently only Mario knows about, as they're full of shiny gold coins. If real plumbers showed up, this cat would get out of the bag fast. The plumbers wouldn't even have to charge people for plumbing-- as long as they have a good reason to keep disappearing down pipes, they could keep their moneymaking scheme secret! Pretty sweet deal. Except...
"You're on enemy turf, paisan," Luigi would say to a weeping plumber, twirling his Smash Hammer. "If word gets around some out-of-town scumbags are doing Mario's job better and cheaper, maybe some princesses think they don't need to pay Mario no more. And we can't have that."
"You're a monster!", the plumber would scream, trying not to let his eyes dart over to the flattened mess that used to be his partner's skull. Luigi would smirk. "Monster? It ain't me you gotta be afraid of." He'd drop the hammer. "Oh no! Oh please god no!"
A Fire Flower would spark to life, illuminating a familiar face. "NO! Anything but the Flower! I'll do whatever you want!" But it's too late. The Flower burns ever closer, boiling away the plumber's tears before they fall. "If the devil asks who sent you," the face would growl over the plumber's sobs, "tell him this: IT'S-A ME, MARIO!!!"
Do you know better than to mess with the king? Let us know in the comments!
I love having my mind blown by surprising revelations. And since I'm a huge cartoon fan, nothing is more thrilling than having my ears perk up when I'm able to recognize a hint of another character's voice in the completely different one that I'm watching. I feel like I solved a murder or something. Here's 8 amazing examples that'll give you that same special feeling.
Lex Luthor / Mr. Krabs
I guess actor Clancy Brown has a real knack performing cartoon bad guys!! If you think about it, Mr. Krabs and Luthor have a lot in common, only Luthor is greedy for power instead of money. Does this mean Plankton is Mr. Krab's Superman? Actually Plankton has a lot in common with Luthor too, only apparently Luthor is unaware that the recipe for the Krabby Patty is the key to world domination.
Skips / Ozai
Mark Hamill! YAY! I love me some Luke Skywalker voice! Playing a Fire Lord totally makes sense. But a yeti? I mean I guess he is majestic and wise. Perhaps a little Yoda rubbed off on him after all.
Eliza Thornberry / Gwen Stacy
OMG Eliza got hot! Kind of makes sense since the actress who plays them both, Lacey Chabert, went from total dork to total hottie herself!
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz / Marceline the Vampire Queen
Olivia Olsen has the goth girls with evil fathers market covered, you guys! Although Vanessa is definitely more of an annoying teenager. I like to think she grows up to be Marceline, because yes, I think of those kind of things. No life, much?
Squidward / The Chief
Rodger Bumpass was very helpful as The Chief on Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. Squidward isn't very helpful at all, unless you need help despising things. Namely Spongebob and Patrick Star.
Charmy Bee/ Jazz Fenton
Okay, kudos to Colleen O'Shaughnessey, because these two characters couldn't be more different. I honestly can't think of one thing they have in common...they're both good at tracking? Is it weird that I think Jazz is pretty? She's kind of got a Kim Possible thing going.
Dr. Barber / Peppermint Butler
Equally believable as a peppermint candy butler and a doctor? Steve Little has quite the range! His range also goes from one of the Cartoon Network's worst shows (The Marvelous Adventures of Flapjack) to one of its best (Adventure Time)! Stick with the Peppermint roles, Steve!
Bunnie Rabbot / Dexter
Christine Cavanaugh plays both of these characters to perfection. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that Dexter created the half bunny- half robot creature in his lab. Seriously, I want that bunny robot hybrid. And then I want to go back in time and bring it to show and tell. I would've been the coolest kid in school, in turn making my life much better now so I wouldn't be fantasizing about cartoons becoming reality as an adult. Come on, SCIENCE!
Which pair were you most surprised by? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!