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Articles on this Page
- 01/16/13--12:15: _What Kratos Will Be...
- 01/16/13--17:35: _6 Disney Animated M...
- 01/16/13--19:17: _6 Signs That Tell C...
- 01/17/13--11:11: _Did Notre Dame Line...
- 01/17/13--13:13: _9 Stars Overdue For...
- 01/17/13--14:17: _6 Movies To Stay Aw...
- 01/17/13--15:28: _5 Ways Nerd Fake Gi...
- 01/17/13--16:41: _10 Things I Can't W...
- 01/18/13--10:10: _Skrillex Sets His H...
- 01/18/13--13:36: _11 Worst Live-Actio...
- 01/18/13--15:20: _10 Pairs Of Celebri...
- 01/18/13--17:56: _The Undiagnosed Men...
- 01/21/13--11:58: _Glee Rips Off This ...
- 01/21/13--14:37: _6 Reasons It's Your...
- 01/21/13--15:49: _6 New Monopoly Toke...
- 01/22/13--14:47: _10 Best Movie Bulli...
- 01/22/13--17:22: _7 Ways For Nerds To...
- 01/22/13--18:35: _Worst Places to Hid...
- 01/23/13--11:38: _Justin Bieber Offic...
- 01/23/13--14:01: _9 Laughably Bizarre...
- 01/16/13--17:35: 6 Disney Animated Movies That Were Never Released
- 01/16/13--19:17: 6 Signs That Tell Celebrities Their Fans Are Leaving Them
- 01/17/13--13:13: 9 Stars Overdue For A Comeback
- 01/17/13--14:17: 6 Movies To Stay Away From If You Don't Want To Cry
- 01/17/13--15:28: 5 Ways Nerd Fake Girlfriends Are Better Than Jock Fake Girlfriends
- 01/17/13--16:41: 10 Things I Can't Wait To See On TV This Year
- 01/18/13--10:10: Skrillex Sets His Hair On Fire
- 01/18/13--13:36: 11 Worst Live-Action Movies Based on Cartoons
- 01/18/13--15:20: 10 Pairs Of Celebrity Girls That Look Creepily Similar
- 01/18/13--17:56: The Undiagnosed Mental Diseases of Video Game Characters
- 01/21/13--11:58: Glee Rips Off This Guy’s Cover of ‘Baby Got Back’???
- 01/21/13--14:37: 6 Reasons It's Your Fault You're In The Friendzone
- 01/21/13--15:49: 6 New Monopoly Tokens We Really Need
- 01/22/13--14:47: 10 Best Movie Bullies Of All Time
- 01/22/13--17:22: 7 Ways For Nerds To Lose Weight
- 01/22/13--18:35: Worst Places to Hide from Zombies
- 01/23/13--14:01: 9 Laughably Bizarre Real Megan Fox Quotes
Ever since I started taking anger management classes, I pass out due to lack of oxygen from screaming in disappointed horror over humanity's unwillingness to save itself WAY less often. Thanks to anger management, I give up! If there's anyone who should take a page from my book, it's that pouty fellow Kratos. Let's take a look at what Kratos will be like when he WE WASTE OUR TIME ON MEANINGLESS ENTERTAINMENT WHILE THE OCEANS BOIL AND GUNS ARE CALLED MORE VALUABLE THAN THE LIVES OF DOZENS OF CHIL--whoa-ho-ho, that was a close one! Time to go back to class. Anyway here's the article:
He'll Get A Cat
I don't care how consumed with vengeance you are, one look at a cute kitty's fluffy little face and you will forget all about your dead family. Kratos will get a cat and eventually start having pretend conversations with it. "I guess getting all mad wasn't worth it, huh?" he'll say. The cat will meow. He will stop believing in coincidences.
He'll Be All About Herbal Tea
You gotta push all that hate energy somewhere! To get his anger management counselor off his back, Kratos will learn everything there is to know about herbal tea. His counselor always perks up when he tells her about the great conversation he had in Teavana the other day. "You're making real progress," she'll say. Then Kratos doesn't have to actually deal with his problems.
He'll Pick Up Some Sponsorships
Sure, Kratos is popular, but no one wants that guy as the face of their product! As soon as he says he's on the straight and narrow, he's right back to chopping off gods' heads. A few months of anger management will change all that. Expect a Kratos-endorsed line of cameras with this slogan: "I Would Trade Everything For Just One More Memory With My Family (You Know, The One I Was Tricked Into Murdering). Preserve Your Memories Today, Pathetic Mortal!"
He'll Pretend Meditation Is Anything Other Than Just Self-Important People Wanting To Be Thought Of As Deep Because They Waste Time
Kratos will mention that he meditates daily in every interview. The public will go, "Wow, that guy is like, super-centered."
He'll Finally Get That Movie Made
Cuddly, anger-managed Kratos will finally get the movie based on his life green-lit. It will be an action comedy about him and a black comedian (TBD, we're thinking Kevin Hart?) beating Ares in a tennis tournament and it will make $120 million.
He'll Come To Terms With The Terrible Rage That Drives His Every Waking Moment
Haha just kidding. This is impossible. Pain is eternal.
Do you burn with hate? Let us know in the comments!
You would think that after actually okaying “The Hunchback of Notre Dame II” that there wasn’t a single animated movie idea Disney wasn’t willing to foist on a public already wondering how the hell it got suckered into seeing “Cars 2.” But some ideas proved so troublesome or outright disastrous that even the studio had to pass on them, but only after wasting millions in preproduction…
It’s only natural that when a baby deer is born in a Disney cartoon the first reaction is “Oh crap, when is a parent going to get shot?" And when the parent in this case is Bambi himself, everyone is already sobbing hysterically before even a single frame of animation is drawn. But this would have been based on an actual book sequel by the author of "Bambi" and focused on the happy-go-lucky adventures of our hero’s adorable twin fawns…and all the animals who die over the course of their particular story. But Disney eventually passed on the idea and instead opted to wait 64 years before releasing the 2006 direct-to-DVD, much lower body count sequel "Bambi II, " which takes place almost immediately after Bambi’s mom dies and tells the story of the woodland creatures great anxiety…over celebrating Groundhog Day.
Yellow Submarine (Remake)
When director Robert Zemeckis announced/threatened that he was going to do a 3-D remake of the classic 1968 Beatles cartoon "Yellow Submarine, " the first question people asked was "How can you do the film when half The Beatles aren’t even around to voice the characters anymore? " Well, that wouldn’t have mattered because The Beatles didn’t even do their own voices in the original version (though obviously they did sing their own songs). The second question people asked was “WHY would you even remake the film?!?” That one proved harder to answer, especially when Zemeckis promised to use the same motion-capture animation that helped make the dead-eyed characters in his “The Polar Express” look like “The Walking Dead Christmas Spectacular.” Fortunately, saner heads—and the failure of the mo-cap cartoon “Mars Needs Moms” (which contrary to initial reports was not based on NASA findings)—put an end to a potential disaster that would have caused people to endure such pathetic movie critics’ headlines as “Submarine Cartoon Sinks to New Depths” or “Submarine Movie Torpedoed by Own Incompetence. "
This cancelled cartoon was to feature a poor kitty who is a nervous wreck because he’s already lost three of his nine lives. (Though it was never specified how he lost them, perhaps one time he owed a lot of money to the mob.) If “cat fears impending—and repeated—mortality” doesn’t already feel like the “feel-good family film of the year” (but does make you wonder just how many children’s animal cartoons are obsessed with death), the movie would have also featured countless references to Hitchcock films that no one under the age of 45 would have gotten without having a parent whisper to them in the theater “Why would a children’s cartoon pay homage to ‘Psycho’?” (Or Hitchcock’s “North by Northwest” as seen in the above image.) Add to that a plot about a cat accused of a crime he didn’t commit (no word on the crime but my guess is embezzlement) and Disney decided the movie wouldn’t sell as many toys as one about talking cars.
Where the Wild Things Are
Shortly after its first foray into computer animation with “Tron” (which was denied an Oscar nomination for special effects because the Academy Awards thought the use of computers was “cheating”), Disney decided to try making a computer animated cartoon. The result is the test reel you see above, which used Maurice Sendak’s “Where the Wild Things Are” with a combination of traditional character animation and computer-designed backgrounds to create a whole new form of storytelling. Alas, this new take on cartoons so confused the older Disney executives (who most likely screamed “This be the work of witches, ‘tis is!” and then commenced a burning in the corporate break room) that they swiftly fired the head animator on the project, John Lasseter. Lasseter then went on to head up Pixar, win several Academy Awards, and ultimately become the head of all of Disney animation.
A Few Good Ghosts
One look at the above storyboard art featuring a very stereotypical Native American and you would have every right to wonder what the hell people were thinking back in the 1940’s. But that sketch is from a 2003 preproduction storyboard for “A Few Good Ghosts,” which was also known as “My Peoples,” “Elgin’s People,” “Angel and Her No Good Sister,” “Once in a Blue Moon,” and “If a Movie Has to Go Through This Many Title Changes Maybe It’s a Warning Sign of Sorts.’ Of course, the reason for that look is the movie was about ghosts who inhabit 1940’s folk art dolls carved from tree stumps who help an Appalachian Romeo and Juliet find true love with the guidance of a toy wooden Abraham Lincoln which is all set to bluegrass music. And by “of course” naturally I mean “WTF,” which is eventually what Disney thought and so the production was shut down.
Roger Rabbit Two: The Toon Platoon
How do you follow up a critical and commercial smash about cartoon characters interacting with live-action humans that was beloved by all? Apparently Disney’s response was “Nazis and lots of ‘em.” This prequel to “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” was set in 1941 and centered on Roger Rabbit’s search of his true birth parents, only to discover that Bugs Bunny is his dad (and maybe also his mom, given how often Bugs liked to dress in women’s clothing). Meanwhile, the future Mrs. Jessica Rabbit, a struggling Hollywood actress, is kidnapped by the Germans and forced to make pro-Nazi radio broadcasts in a deep, sexy voice. Then Roger gathers a group of beloved cartoon characters to fight the Nazis in a comedy-musical that ultimately caused producer Steven Spielberg—who had just completed “Schindler’s List”—to more or less say “Are you f***ing kidding me?!?” And so the project was mercifully stopped before we all had a chance to stare slack-jawed at the movie screen in wide-eyed horror.
What do you think the plot of the 'Tangled' Sequel should be? Let me know in the comments!
They’re on top of the world for weeks, months, even years. Then suddenly things start to change and celebrities realize they are on the downward spiral to a shortened IMDB credit list once they see the following warning signs their fans have all but forgotten them…
Fans relieved when you’re thrown in jail
Once they came to a celebrity’s defense whenever he or she was accused of bad behavior, tainted with bad publicity, or proved exceptionally bad at reading cue cards on “SNL.” Now like parents who are overjoyed for the peace and quiet whenever their kids go to sleep-away camp for the summer, fans are just thrilled that the celebrity’s 30 days in jail gives them time off from having to defend their latest Lifetime TV movie, co-starring role with a porn star, or winding up in jail the previous month.
Fans’ hashtags all a variation of #meh
There was a time when every announcement by or about the celebrity was greeted with fans’ rapturous tweets and hashtags that ended with “4ever,” “love,” or “yesyesyes.” Now they’ve been replaced with #yawn, #thisagain, and #whoarewetalkingabout, often accompanied with the bored, dead-eyed stare of Grumpy Cat. Worse, many fans have abandoned the celebrity’s real Twitter account for an obviously fake one, realizing if they have to keep putting up with bullshit, it might as well be funny.
Threads in fan forum about everything but celebrity
”Guess what I ate today?” “Here are six videos of my cat.” “Sometimes when I’m asleep I dream I’m awake so when I’m awake I wonder if I’m really asleep until I get hit by a bicycle.” On and on and on the off-topic comments go until the celebrity finds that the very first mention of them on their own fan forum doesn’t happen until page 27, and only in a unanimously agreed suggestion that the group change the forum’s name to better reflect its now true focus--“My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.”
Fans unaware that celebrity’s new movie opened weeks ago
First fans camped out all week for the celebrity’s movie. Then they bought tickets two days in advance of the movie. Then they showed up noon the day of the premiere because at midnight they were in the middle of a “RuPauls’ Drag Race” marathon on Netflix. Then they saw a poster for the movie on the side of the bus but figured they might as well wait until it premiered on VOD or iTunes. Then they said, “I can’t be expected to see every movie that comes out! Especially there are such upcoming classics as ‘Scary Movie 5’ and the current ‘Scary Movie 5’ with Marlon Wayans.”
Celebrity’s tearful confession met with chants of “Cry! Cry! Cry!”
The misty-eyed apology or sobbing revelation about some dark secret used to be a celebrity’s greatest weapon to win back the sympathy of the public and connect with their most ardent admirers. But when such emotional outpourings are met with “What else you got?” “Call me when you lose a limb” or “Please don’t bother me while I’m breathing,” the celebrity realizes the only thing they accomplished was ruining both their mascara and their 9:57 am spot on “Live with Kelly and Michael.”
Celebrity’s premature obituary online greeted with shock that celebrity hadn’t passed away months ago
When everybody already assumes they are long dead, a celebrity has nowhere to go but up—in another profession, like supermarket bagger or self-impersonator.
What do you plan to throw at Adam Sandler when you see him? Let us know in the comments below!
Manti Te'o, star linebacker at Notre Dame and one of the most decorated college football players in history, played the game of his life against Michigan State this past September, making 12 tackles and an interception to set up a field goal that would seal the game. It was an inspired performance, one motivated by the fact that Te'o heard earlier in the day that not only had his beloved grandmother passed away, but also his girlfriend Lennay Kekua had lost her battle against Leukemia.
This is Manti Te'o, reacting to the death of his loved ones. Or something else.
I don't know when this picture was taken.
Obviously this story received huge coverage from sports journalists at ESPN and Sports Illustrated. But according to Deadspin, Lennay Kekua not only didn't die that day, but never existed at all. So when the South Bend Tribune wrote in November of 2009 that Te'o met Kekua in person and that "their stares got pleasantly tangled, then Manti Te'o extended his hand to the stranger with a warm smile and soulful eyes", they were either lied to or were accidentally reporting on a promising football player falling in love with a ghost.
And I mean, we've all been there, right fellas? You fall in love with a girl you pick up off the highway and give her a ride to the graveyard, but she leaves her sweater in your car! Then, you look her up and go to give the sweater back, maybe ask for a number, and her mother answers the door and asks if you're playing a sick joke, that her daughter's been dead for over two years!
And I'm all like "Hey it's still her sweater so how about you stop being such a b*tch about this?"
The timelines as to when exactly Kekua died in relation to the grandmother get sketchy across different outlets, and there are a number of players in the story, including Te'o's former high school friend who seems to have had access to Kekua's Twitter account and the woman whose picture was used as the public face of Kekua. I'm super excited by the mystery of it all.
Who IS Lennay Kekua? Who is involved? Who in this story is the hero and who is the villain?
With all the various players and intrigue, this story reminds me of my days spent with Lost, not only because it's so hard to tell who's lying and what everyone's motivations are, but also because there's been a split between two factions — like Jack and Locke's bickering about whether it was their destiny to crash on the Island or just a random occurrence, there are those who believe Manti Te'o is the victim of a cruel prank and those who think he's a monster.
"Maybe Manti Te'o's girlfriend is down in the HATCH, huh Jack?"
Manti Te'o issued a statement, saying he's the victim of a hoax, that he had been manipulated into feeling for a woman he discovered was not real. He writes that he feels humiliated, and goes on to say that he believed that his relationship, which was based on online interactions and telephone calls, was authentic.
Notre Dame also released a statement, saying that Manti Te'o and his family had informed his football coaches that he was "the victim of what appears to be a hoax in which someone using the fictitious name Lennay Kekua apparently ingratiated herself with Manti and then conspired with others to lead him to believe she had tragically died of leukemia".
Actually, in accordance with its Catholic views, I wouldn't be shocked to see Notre Dame encouraging its players to take up with fake girlfriends.
"Whatever happened here, I think we can all agree that the true villain is human sexuality."
So either someone is playing a huge prank on a college football player, or Manti Te'o told a story — an emotional tale of a girlfriend who loved him so much that she told him to play while she struggled and lost a battle against leukemia — that was made up to gain publicity. And until we get more information, we have to decide for ourselves which we believe. But keep in mind, Te'o played phenomenally against Michigan State the night he thought Kekua passed away. If he was in on the plan, does that mean Michigan State was in on it too? Or did Michigan State plan this all along?
Check it out — you're coming up on a big game against Notre Dame, so you start this Twitter account and start flirting with their star player. Then, the day of the game, you kill her off. Manti Te'o, who believed he was in a beautiful, loving relationship with this girl, would have his hopes dashed and be unable to play in the game. Yes, the plan is so simple — take away the man's hope, and you crush his spirit. Sound like anyone you know?
SOMEONE CHECK MICHIGAN STATE'S ENROLLMENT RECORDS.
What do you think is going on with Manti Te'o and his not-so-real girlfriend? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 5 Freakiest Hauntings In the World!
You'll notice straight away that most on this list are still working in their respective fields in one way or another. But every single one is a shadow of their former star power and it's my hope that one day they will be back on top. It's not that I can't move on to today's stars, it's that I won't. I FEAR CHANGE!
This list might as well begin and end with Rick Moranis. Boy, do I miss that bespectacled spectacle of warmth and humor. How do I know he's an excellent human being? Because when his wife sadly passed in 97 from cancer he selflessly left a storied career to be the best father he could be to his kids. So many stars piss their notoriety away by being destructive and it's high time (heh) we brought back one who genuinely deserves it. That is, if he even wants it at this point. Does anyone need a Key Master?
There's a legitimate reason we haven't seen Blade blading it up lately. And that reason is he's in federal prison for tax evasion. Lucky for us, he is scheduled for release, July 19, 2013. Here's hoping Tarantino snatches him up for whatever he's working on next.
In the 90s, nobody was cooler than Cher Horowitz, aka Alicia Silverstone. So what happened? It could be that her vigilant vegan and animal rights activism took up more of her time. Or, it could be her focus on parenting. But she's never stopped trying to spark the public's interest again. Between a mass grave of failed pilots and some straight to DVD turns it's clear her heart is willing, it's only a matter of time before we all give in.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
It's sad there are no more JTT's walking the earth. Once they were plentiful, charming scamps, roaming the BOP and Sassy covers of another era. I've heard it rumored we hunted too much in their natural habitat and now they have no more grazing grounds in which to thrive. It is my wish that one day, the JTT will come back to us, stronger than ever.
Like I said in the introduction, it's not that Winona hasn't been attempting a comeback all these years it's that she has yet to come close to being the stone cold sh*** she used to be. I don't know why we were all so mad she stole some things. She already stole our hearts in Heathers, Reality Bites and Beetlejuice. And, speaking of BeetlejuiceÉ
(Most Of) The Cast Of Beetlejuice
Where the frak is Michael Keaton? Has anyone been checking on Geena Davis? Maybe they should listen to their old friend Alec B Closing and go out and make something of themselves.
Every February 2nd Dave Chapelle comes out of his mansion and if he sees less than 15 million there will be 3 more years without his contribution to comedy. From reports I think we're at 66 years but I'm hopeful.
Missy Elliott has never left my gym mix and she never will. Hopefully one day she will make more music, til then I wish to stand vigil in a billowing trashbag filled with dreams. Feel better Missy Miss, and come back to us soon.
Who do you wish would make a comeback? Let me know in the comments!
Don't forget to follow me on Twitter or I'll release the Lindsay Lohans.
Failed exams. Sick pets. Neighborhood murders. We have enough hardship in our lives; why seek it out in the form of entertainment? When I watch a movie, I just want to eat my popcorn, laugh at silly people, and pick stray popcorn out of my shirt folds. If you, like me, hate any kind of discord in film, be warned! Here are some movies you should stay away from if you don’t want to cry.
I bet a lot of you guys saw Les Miz. Really sad, right? Wolverine dies, Ann Hathaway gets her teeth pulled out, and there are just so many violin motifs. It’s like every time you hear the “da na na na da na na na” of the violins (you know the one), the tears know they’re supposed to happen. I guess that’s what you get for paying to see a movie called The Miserables.
There was no reason for Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet not to end up together. The writers just wanted to make sure that if seeing hundreds of people freeze to death in the icy waters of the Northern Atlantic wasn’t enough, you would be devastated for two hot people who made love in an old-timey car.
Charlotte’s Web (1973 Animated Version)
We're told we can have it all: loyal pets, stable relationships, a spider-free household… But when Fern starts dating that boy, she totally ditches Wilbur, reminding us that even our true friends are eventually going to get married and forget about us. Thank God the spider was still around! “I think we all know who the real pig in that story is,” she said over brunch.
Toy Story 3
I saw Toy Story 3 for nostalgia purposes (what a great franchise that affected me when I was young! I am now mature!), thank you very much. But when those toys held hands and began willfully marching to their death, I freaking lost it. Jeez, Pixar, where did THAT come from? No one signed up for such emotions!
Yeah, yeah, I’m a girl and this is a sappy movie, but I dare you not to cry at the above scene/montage/cheesy rock music. They’re young and then they’re old and then they’re young and they’re fighting but he’s going to take care of her forever and it’s Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams!
This one deserved a second paragraph because, okay, maybe you’re a fan of the show, but WHAT WAS RUSSELL CROWE DOING? I’M SO HAPPY TO HAVE A PUBLIC PLATFORM TO EXPRESS MY RESENTMENT AT THIS CASTING DECISION. THE MAN CAN’T SING. I WAS SO UPSET. By the ending reprise of “One Day More” I was sobbing uncontrollably… over the fact that this was our one shot at a decent Les Miz movie, and it was ruined by that guy in high school chorus who never gets picked to solo. I did a YouTube search for Russell Crowe’s big solo, “Stars,” and shock of all shocks, the Les Mis account was keeping a tight lid on that one. So, fine, note who’s NOT featured in the above video.
What other movies do you recommend people stay away from if they don’t want to cry? Let us know in the comments!
There's a lot jocks can learn from us nerds, including algebra, chemistry, and even the basics of putting together a sentance in English. But with the news breaking yesterday that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o potentially making up a girlfriend, it loks like nerds have something else they can teach jocks — how to fake a girlfriend. I mean, us nerds have been doing it for years! Here are the ways nerd fake girlfriends are better than jock fake girlfriends.
Nerd fake girlfriends are nicer
Since all nerds have figured out that Canada is where fake girlfriends come from, they're inherently nicer, because Canadians are the friendliest people in the world. You could run over a Canadian parent's newborn baby girl and they'll ask if they can help you replace your tire.
Nerds have no national stage to be embarrassed on
When your buddy running the Twitter account of your quote unquote "girlfriend" goes rouge and decides to destroy your public image, he can ruin your position in the NFL draft if you're a jock. But if you're a nerd, what's he gonna do? Tell your fellow CMS programmers?
Jock girlfriends are based on fewer and less interesting sources
If we take it as read that the advantages in lady-getting football gives you are rendered mute by the need to fake a girlfriend, nerds actually have MORE experience with girls. Jocks can base their fake girlfriends off cheerleaders and maybe female ESPN reporters. But nerds can base their fake girlfriends off characters as diverse as Lara Croft, Catlyn Stark, GLaDOS, Claire Redfield, Veronica Mars, and Cheetarah from Thundercats.
Nerds have more fake-able activities
The jock has a lot of explaining to do to his jock friends, because they all want to know why his girlfriend isn't coming to their games. If you're a nerd, your friends understand that she's probably at home playing X-Box Live or solving math equations or whatever. Worst case, nerds can convice their friends they're Skyping with her but putting on headphones and displaying a full screen still image of a girl. A nerd's friends will walk past and know what's going on. A jocks' friends will want to know what SORCERY is coming from their screen.
Jock fake girlfriends are less believable
Nerds are just happy to have ANY girlfriend, so when they tell their friends about the quote unquote "real human person" they're seeing, they just describe her as "like, a girl. With hair. She has hair." But since jocks come up in the high-stakes world of sports, they have a desire o one-up their friends who have real girlfriends. Suddenly, jocks are describing their fake girlfriends as this hot, foreign girl with these, just, HUGE boobs and perfect ass and two heads and the ability to eat a lion whole through any one of her three mouths.
So what's your fake girlfriend like? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
It's too early in the year (and pilot season) to know exactly what TV in 2013 will bring us. But, with some of the best shows coming back to complete our lives and make us whole again, there are plenty of things to anticipate. Salivate on!
Game Of Thrones. Period.
I’m so completely in the throes of this show that short of having Hodor win the Iron Throne it can do no wrong. And even that would be endlessly watchable. “My King, the Lannisters have kidnapped all the kingdom’s puppies and are dangling them over ledges also winter is coming and we’re out of Hot Pockets. What say you my King?” “…Hodor”. Brilliant.
How They Wrap Up Breaking Bad
All I ask is that they don’t end the show as Junior’s dream before he wakes up for breakfast and goes to school. Also this is painfully accurate…
Well played Seth McFarlane. I wonder if anyone has ever written an article talking about how great and/or terrible he is. That should go well.
Warehouse 13’s New Gadgets and Artifacts
Great Sharktapus’s ghost I can’t wait for the second half of the 4th season. As is the case for all Warehouse episodes, I will to try to figure out what the artifact is before they reveal it on the show and try not to get stuck in a Wikipedia wormhole for the next 4 hours finding out everything I can about it. The entire series is on Netflix, time to get cracking on the catch up before April!
If SyFy Can Pull off Defiance’s MMO Component
Speaking of SyFy and watching their programming so scripted science fiction can still have a home, have you heard about Defiance? The mad wizards are attempting to merge a massive multiplayer online role-playing game with a television show so that what happens in the game affects the characters and the plot. It would be a neat hat trick if it worked and perhaps the start of a beautiful multi-platform entertainment relationship. If it doesn’t, have I mentioned Warehouse 13 is on Netflix streaming yet?
Finding Out The Date The Legend of Korra Comes Back
Just give us a date! GIVE US A DAAAATE. Unless they did and my googling skills are not what they used to be in which case, isn’t it fantastic/horrible that Korra is coming back so soon/not soon enough?
The 50th Anniversary of Doctor Who
It’s Doctor Who’s 50th anniversary, and I expect gold. Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey, gold! I expect to not really know any Doctor before Eccleston (remember that guy?). I expect lots of British handsome. And I expect them to exterminate it right out of the park! …I may be expecting too much…nah.
How Will S.H.I.E.L.D Resurrect Agent Coulson
As it was said in Buffy times of old, in Joss we trust.
If The Walking Dead Will (Please) Kill Andrea
No, but seriously. Kill this horrible time wasting character before I feebly, impotently, threaten to stop watching the show for the billionth time. Or don’t, I’ll probably still watch.
Billith and True Blood.
The most amazing thing about True Blood is that it never had a mind to lose. It’s the most batsh*** crazy show that ever dirt humped, spine ripped and boobied into being and I can’t wait to yell at my TV some more this summer. It’s a bad, bad show and I can’t wait to watch the Billith out of it this summer.
Does Community Need Dan Harmon and Chevy Chase?
A question for the ages: can Community continue without its creator and show runner Dan Harmon or will the massive sink hole left by his ego consume the show whole? And, to a much, much lesser extent, will Chevy Chase be…let’s go with missed? Only time and DVR recordings can tell.
There’s so much TV to be excited for in 2013 that we can’t even begin to imagine (pilot season is a magical time). What are you excited about? Let me know in the comments!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or you’ll never find out who or what Oswin Oswald is.
Oh NOOOOOs! Everyone's favorite musical punching bag, Skrillex, was almost taken out by a turntable shaped birthday cake! Looks like a turntable finally turned the tables on him for using it as an instrument of ear murder. I kid, Skrillex fans, I kid. OR DO I?
The incident occurred during the 'musician's' 25th birthday celebration in Hollywood. As he was blowing out his candles, the long side of his hair caught fire. Maybe he should shave both sides? Oh but I guess that wouldn't be a 'cool' hairstyle. I just realized I use a lot of sarcasm quotes when writing about Skrillex. 'Wub' you, Skrilly Poo!
Skrillex quickly diffused the situation and then everyone laaaaaughed. Unfortunately the incident was not serious enough for the 'musician ' to take an extended leave from dub dub wubbing.
Here's a look at the HORRIFYING* video!!
*Not really that horrifying.
What do you think of Skrillex? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
For years Hollywood has proven almost incapable of making a good live-action version of a cartoon, to the point that this article was originally called “6 Worst Live-Action Movies Based on Cartoons” until a mere three minutes of research caused that number to immediately jump to “427.” However, since we only have so much space and too much information would cause you to lose all hope in film as an art form, let’s just focus on these eleven glaring examples of abysmal adaptations...
Howard the Duck
If you ever wondered what it would be like to watch a four-foot tall duck from another dimension have sex with a human punk rocker played by the mom from “Back to the Future”—and then see his feathers go erect—your chance was in 1986. That’s when George Lucas took a cult-favorite Marvel comic book and produced what is considered one of the worst movies of all time, complete with an animatronic duck suit that took six midgets to operate, all of who shared a Razzie Award for “Worst New Actor.” Critical and audience reaction was so bad, in fact, that not only could many of those involved in the production not find work afterwards but when Lucas was asked if “The Star Wars Holiday Special” was the most horrible thing he ever had his name attached to, he could only look up at the sky and quietly utter, “No, there is another.”
In a move that made “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties” look like the “Godfather II” of CGI comic strip pet movies by comparison, 20th Century Fox decided to do a live-action movie based on the long-running one-panel comic about a Great Dane who slowly but surely destroys his family’s life. The result was a disaster so universally panned that even ardent dog lovers hoped it would have the same ending as “Marley & Me,” only within the first three minutes of the film. Starring Owen Wilson as the voice of Marmaduke, Fergie as a Collie, and George Lopez as the voice of a cat who sounds like he had his own talk show on TBS before Conan arrived, the film ends with all the animals dancing and singing to The Romantics’ “What I Like About You,” a scene that will travel for years through space before reaching an alien civilization and informing them that for the good of the universe Earth must be destroyed.
Masters of the Universe
The cartoon series “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” was considered a joke even when it first appeared in 1983, since it was nothing more than a half-hour commercial for a new line of Mattel action figures featuring a main character who looked like a cross between a 2(x)ist male underwear model and the logo for Dutch Boy Paints. So when it came time to make a live-action movie version apparently no one on the movie crew took the production seriously, especially since it was released long after the original fans of the series had long stopped playing with the toys in favor of attending college. How else to explain star Dolph Lundgren being forced to wear Khan’s mullet from “Star Trek II” while trying to save a teenage Courtney Cox from a shrieking Skeletor in a movie so bad that of course they are currently planning to remake it.
The Last Airbender
Once M. Night Shyamalan was considered an innovative, engaging writer-director by people other than M. Night Shyamalan. Oh, how times have changed as the result of several high-profile flops (and every time he opened his damn mouth), including this critical and commercial bomb that hoped to launch a movie franchise based on the Nickelodeon cartoon series. The controversy began when the director hired many white actors to play roles originally intended as Asian. Then the real backlash kicked in when the audience realized Shyamalan had forgotten to write a plot (even one with a twist ending). Instead, he chose to rely on random 3-D effects, a voiceover that describes every meaningful scene Shyamalan forgot to shoot (which was clearly all of them), and acting so atrocious that it would make parents at an elementary school play scream at their own kid to get their sh*t together or get lost.
Hey, kids, remember the Hanna-Barbera cartoon “Yogi Bear”? Of course you don’t, especially since it hasn’t been on TV since before even some of your parents were born. But older Hollywood executives remember it and mistakenly thought the story of a tie-clad (but pantsless) bear who is apparently so hungry for human food that he’s just one missed meal away from a string of campground maulings would bring in both the wee ones and their folks. Starring Dan Aykroyd as Yogi and Justin Timberlake as his best friend Boo-Boo (a team-up that probably won’t be repeated on Timberlake’s upcoming album), the movie uses CGI for the bears and a random word generator for the script, resulting in a story so generic, so pointless, that 80 minutes later when you’re awoken in your chair by theater security you’d be hard-pressed to remember anything except your kids sobbing because you took them to see “Yogi Bear.”
Before Robin Williams was “ROBIN WILLIAMS!” and then eventually “Oy, it’s Robin Williams,” he was a TV actor looking to make his big break in the movies. And this was his first real chance, a family comedy-musical based on the comic strip/cartoon “Popeye” with tunes from a guy whose last hit was the theme song to the X-rated film “Midnight Cowboy.” Featuring a Popeye who actually hates spinach, songs with such creative titles as “He’s Large,” “I’m Mean,” and probably “That Guys Has Two Eyes,” and a heartwarming kidnapping, the movie is a big, bloated mess that ends with a giant octopus getting repeatedly punched because by that point even the screenwriter had given up and said, “I don’t know. Just hit something for 20 minutes.”
Featuring a cast of people including a future James Bond and several actors whose eventual IMDB credits lists would include mostly night shifts at Walgreen’s and knock-off KFC restaurants, “Flash Gordon” was based on a still-running sci-fi comic strip from the 1930’s. In an attempt to both update the comic to 1980—and apparently make the campy “Batman” TV series look like a Frontline report on vigilante justice by comparison—the movie turned the main character into a New York Jets player who gets sent to the planet Mongo and does battle with creatures that look like the studio forgot to check in on wardrobe occasionally. Despite being an absolute mess, the film—and especially a Queen soundtrack so spectacularly over-the-top even by Freddie Mercury standards—still has its loyal fans and even served as a plot point in the movie “Ted.”
Once the Saturday morning cartoon “The Smurfs” was the #1 show on NBC, proving just how often that network has been in the ratings toilet. That’s something for a series that focused on a bunch of tiny blue people and the evil wizard Gargamel who wanted to boil them into gold. (A transformation you think would have resulted in a lot of scalding drownings back in the seemingly cash-strapped Smurf Village.) Then almost 25 years later the Smurfs were resurrected on film (by the director who unleashed “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” unto the world like a horrible contagion), in which they get lost in New York City, use the word “smurf” so much you’d think it was a Tourette’s tic, and generally make you wonder which family member the studio was holding hostage to make Neil Patrick Harris star in this admittedly very successful embarrassment.
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
“The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show” was a highly praised cult cartoon series from the early 1960’s, meaning this movie was already primed to be a financial disaster in the year 2000. But if “40-year-old cult cartoon” wasn’t a big enough nail in the profit coffin, the film offers a story in which the main cartoon villains Boris and Natasha become real thanks to a Hollywood contract, Rocky and Bullwinkle become living CGI characters because of a plot point, and Robert De Niro becomes “Fearless Leader” because he probably had payments on a fifth house he needed to make. The movie got a resounding “meh” from critics and audiences instead chose to stay home and watch Ross date Rachel, Rachel break up with Ross, or whatever the hell was happening on “Friends” at the time.
The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas
Though attacked by critics, the original live-action “Flintstones” movie from 1994 was such a success that a sequel was a given. Or a prequel in this case. A prequel that starred absolutely no one from the original film. (Hell, even Dino the Dinosaur isn’t in it, no doubt thanks to a wise agent who thought the pet was better off posing for Flintstones Chewables instead.) This time out we learn how Fred and Barney met Wilma and Betty with a little help from the Great Gazoo (the green alien from the original cartoon series) only to almost lose them to prehistoric rock singer Mick Jagged. Then Fred becomes a hopeless gambler, is charged with jewel theft, and is jailed because family film or not, Hollywood has a responsibility to show the dark underbelly of prehistoric life. Eventually all ends well…unless you invested in the movie, which took such a huge financial hit that it ended any plans for a third film, in which perhaps the Flintstones slowly sink into a tar pit and die.
Batman & Robin
“Rubber nipples.” When it comes to why the fourth Batman movie killed the franchise before Christopher Nolan rebooted it, the first answer is always “The rubber nipples on Batman and Robin’s suits.” (And perhaps the complete lack thereof on Batgirl’s suit.) The second through 149th answers cover a wide range of topics from a movie so unwatchable that even the director apologized to fans, acting that consisted of Arnold Schwarzenegger constantly making horribly unfunny one-liners like a drunk uncle who doesn’t realize everyone else already left the room, a godawful Smashing Pumpkins song with the title “The End Is the Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning and It Goes on Like This for Five Whole Minutes” and a cameraman who apparently was given only one direction—“No matter what is happening, no matter who is speaking, zoom in on the Batcrotch.”
Which was the worst live action cartoon? Let us know in the comments below!
Celebs they're just like us! They have Doppelgangers! If these ladies are on the red carpet at the same time it's a more embarrassing faux pas than having the same dress on. Here's a look at 10 pairs of lovely ladies who aren't as unique as we thought.
Jessica Lowndes and Megan Fox
Looking like twinsies isn't the only thing these two have in common. One is the star of the current hit show 90210 and one is married to the former star of the former hit show Beverly Hills, 90210. Megan Fox knows she's a big movie star who can get anyone she wants, right?
Ellen Page and Sophia Bush
These two are cute as hell don't you think? I bet Sophia is super grateful she didn't get Juno-ed by Chad Michael Murray! Married couple babies can be mistakes too.
Amy Adams and Isla Fisher
Can you ever have enough adorable ginger girls? You know right at this moment some hack Hollywood producer is pitching a pedestrian rom-com starring these two as sisters unlucky in love. Don't do it ladies! You're better than that.
Alexis Bledel and Emily Blunt
I had to look at this pic a million times to make sure it wasn't the same girl. I'm still not sure. I guess the only way I'll know for sure is when someone named AlexisBledelfan18 comments below and calls me dumba** writer who needs to learn what the eff I'm doing.
Lauren Conrad and Carmen Electra
LC is famous for starring on The Hills. Carmen is famous for showing her lady hills and valleys in Playboy. Also they both date bad boys and are boring as hell. Yeah, I said it!
Portia De Rossi and Drea De Matteo
Lookalikes with fancy schmancy Italian names! Only I feel it's my duty to say that Portia's real name is the far less fancy Mandy Rogers. The reason I feel it's my duty to tell you that is because one time I saw her be really mean to a hairstylist in West Hollywood. I just think she should remember where she came from. DO YOU HEAR ME, MANDY ROGERS!
Kim Kardashian and Nicole Scherzinger
If someone is dumb enough to ever film The Kim Kardashian Story, Nicole has totally got the part. I'm sure she's doing the world's saddest yay right now just thinking about that.
Brittany Snow and Reese Witherspoon
Why has Brittany not played Reese's little sister yet? They're both so goddamned blonde and wholesome it's almost annoying. Okay, now I'm hoping one of them has a Lindsay Lohan moment. Just a moment. I wouldn't wish a Lohan lifestyle on anyone. Even Lindsay Lohan.
Lucy Hale and Selena Gomez
Speaking of annoyingly cute...these two are off the charts. We can all like Selena again because she was cured of Bieber fever, right?
Pink and Eddie Izzard in drag
AHAHAHAHAHA! Please don't kick my ass for enjoying this one so much Pink. You're a mother now but I still fear you.
Which do you find the most identical? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
We all have our heroes from popular culture. Kids in every generation have grown up loving first cowboys, then superheroes, then action movie stars, and now, video game characters. In much the same way kids were horrified when former Superman George Reeves took his own life, we're about to discover that our favorite video game characters are not the idyllic heroes we thought them to be
I've discovered long-lost profiles of some of our most prolific characters, analyzed by various therapists through the years, and here now are the undiagnosed mental diseases of video game characters.
Bowser - Codependency
The Princess OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to be around Bowser but he simply can't imagine his life without her. So he takes her back, again and again, in a vicious cycle that won't ever end until Bowser believes not in his Koopa army, not in his creepy blue-hooded wizards, but in HIMSELF. And until Bowser is able to do this, the Princess will keep leaving him for some mustachioed furry who keeps hitting her with his tail every time he turns around.
Nathan Drake - extreme sociopathy
Now, I get that they're horrible pirates or whatever, but throughout the Uncharted series, Nathan Drake spends most of his time pointing a gun at people and pulling the trigger. That kind of emotional distance from such an extreme situation reeks of sociopathy. I mean, Nathan Drake must have killed THOUSANDS of human beings by the end of Uncharted 3! And I kill just ONE guy that ONE time and from beneath the floorboards I can STILL hear the beating of his hideous heart!
Earthworm Jim - Sex Addict
Mega Man - Anterograde amnesia
In very rare cases, a patient can lose the ability to form new memories, and therefore begins to mimic those around him. Who does THAT sound like? "Oh, hey Mega Man? Who did you just fight? Bomb Man? Let me guess, now you're using the Hyper Bomb? BIG surprise."
Master Chief - Body Dysmorphic Disorder
The poor Master Chief. He is so concerned about his appearance that he wears that armor, appropriate really only for combat, EVERYWHERE — weddings, bar mitzvahs, even the dog park — terrified someone will look at him and really, really see him. What Master Chief needs to realize is that he's really, truly beautiful! But this is a psychological disorder, so Master Chief will probably feel this way until he seeks professional help, despite the fact that His long flowing locks would give ANY woman whatever the lady-equivalent of a boner is.
Man from Manhunt - Mild Sessions
Really? A case of the "mild sessions"? Okay, two things - a) This man has "KILL" tattooed all over his chest — this is CLEARLY more serious than the "mild sessions" and b) Is the guy from Manhunt being diagnosed by a physician from the 1920s?
Oh. After digging deeper into the Man from Manhunt's file, I've found that his parents were incredibly wealthy, and didn't want their fellow affluent friends to know of their son's disorder.
And BOY does renaming his disease help the perception of whatever disease this guy has! Hell, I could get along with a guy who had a case of the "mild sessions"! I'd even let him walk my dog, so long as he promised to pull out all the tiny knives he'd stabbed into his own back and left them on the counter.
What undiagnosed mental disorder do you have? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
In 2005 Johnathan Coulton covered the timeless classic "Baby Got Back," by Sir-Mix-Alot, which is itself a cover of Pachelbel's Canon In D-Major, and put it on Youtube.
A painting of Sir-Mixa-Lot, circa 1717. Titled "In Repose"
CNET Military Times reports that GLEE then came along recently and did an exact version of his cover. John did his cover in 2005. In typical white-guy-covering-a-rap-song-ironically fashion, he turned it into a lilting, beautiful, sweetly sad indy song. Not to get into the condescending nature of privileged white males looking down their nose at cultural touchstones from other cultures they see as bombastic and over simple and therefore "inferior," we can admit, as you'll see from the two songs played below, that the Glee version and Johnathan's version are eerily identical:
Admittedly, Johnathan Coulton has a case. They definitely, 100% ripped off his cover. But here is where his case gets flimsy: his song is a f*cking cover. His song is a song that isn't a song he wrote. It's not his song! It's Sir-Mix-A-Lot's song. And if Johnathan is all butt hurt about his unclever,already been done attempt to make an indie version of a rap song, ask yourself this: do you think Johnathan Coulton contacted Sir-Mix-A-Lot before he covered "Baby Got Back"? Do you think he's paying Sir-Mix-A-Lot royalties every time he gets eight cents from Youtube? No, dude. I really doubt it. And I'll be happy to take that back if it's true. If anyone should be butt hurt here it's Sir-Mix-A-Lot. Because a bunch of people (Read: Johnathan Coulton) are getting famous, or making money (Read: Glee) by making fun of him.
Picture above: Sir Mix-A-Lot, taking the recent controversy in relative stride.
Johnathan tweeted "Hey Glee ripped off my cover of Baby Got Back and never even contacted me. Classy." Classy? Yeah, like how you were classy when you did a cover of I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE and threw it up on Youtube. Apologies to the King Of Integrity Johnathan Coulton. But dude, get over yourself. Getting mad at someone for covering something you covered in your style is like if you were a comedian and you stole Rodney Dangerfield's joke, and you went around telling it, slightly modified. And then you found out someone is telling the Rodney Dangerfield joke onstage too, but they're doing it your way! Hey, someone stole that joke I stole and modified slightly! Mind you, Johnathan Coulton, I totally think it would be f*cked if Glee, or anyone, covered your original song without asking. But you can't complain when someone "steals" the work that you yourself "took and modified."
Johnathan Coulton, thinking about how incensed he's going to get when he does a Christmas themed cover of "F*ck Tha Police" and someone else covers that cover.
Do you think Johnathan has a case to make or not? Why or why not? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out Brains that Even Zombies Wouldn't Eat!
I know it's fun to laugh at guys who are stuck in the friend zone, but I'm getting a little tired of them blaming the girls for their position in life. No one forced you to wear Hello Kitty PJs and buff her feet at that nookie-less sleepover. No one told you to become a bench when her feet got tired. Look in the mirror friend zoned dude!! Maybe the problem is you!
You Never Tell Her How You Feel
Okay, it is possible that she legit doesn't know how you feel. I mean the very least you could do is be a man and lay it out for her...amirite? I don't know about most girls, but I wouldn't necessarily assume the fact that a guy watches The Notebook with me while he buffs my feet calluses down, means that he's in love with me. I might also think that he's an Adam Lambert type and I'm his fruit fly. Just sayin'!
You Ignore Her When She Tells You How She Feels
Then again maybe she does know and you're the one who is clueless to the hints she's giving you that she's just not into you that way. You know it is possible for a guy and girl to just be friends. You're the one who made it awkward by falling in love. Sure, maybe she should be more direct instead of just tiptoe-ing around the issue, but it's kind of hard to break someone's heart when they once brought you cake pops and trashy magazines when you were sick.
No One Is Attracted To A Chump
Having someone carry you over puddles and chauffeur you to dates might seem great at first, but eventually you start to lose all respect for a guy who does whatever you say. One girl I know actually got a guy friend to come over every day to clean out her cat's litter box and pick up all the dog crap in her yard. When I told her he was probably in love with her, she said 'Ewwww. I love him, but I could never kiss 'sh*t boy'." Let that be a cautionary tale for you, friend zone prone guys.
They Don't Want This Either Though
The only thing more unappealing than a pushover, is someone overly-aggressive in turning a BFF into a GF. Sure, the girl above might honor her totally stupid bet, but trust me she will feel hella violated afterwards. It's kind of rapey, yes? So, do things like this and not only will you not have a GF, you probably will no longer have a friend as well. Pro tip for the ladies: Never leave your fate in the hands of d*cks on FB.
Your Crush Is A Mean Girl
Okay, maybe it is possible that she's just taking advantage of you. Still what does that say about you? It says you have bad taste in girls. I'm also betting that while you consider yourself a nice guy who's being treated like a POS by your one true love, there's probably a nice girl who feels like she's being friend zoned by you. You know the girl who sits and listens to you while you complain about how the mean girl made you wait in line for her at the Apple store to get the latest iPhone while she went on a date? Yeah, you're a jerk.
Maybe You're The Problem
Sometimes you're not in the Friend zone. You're in the Forever Alone zone. There's a very fine line between those two things, so I can understand your confusion. The difference is you have some hope of escaping the Friend Zone, Forever Alone is, well, forever.
What do you think? Have you ever been friend zoned or have you ever friend zoned someone? Let me know the juicy details @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
Recently the makers of Monopoly launched a campaign to let players not only vote on which game tokens to keep but also which new one to add from such choices as a cat, a helicopter, and a guitar. But what Monopoly really needs are tokens that not only better reflect the game but also make it far more exciting or at least interesting enough to stare at a square board for eleven straight hours. Hence the following alternatives to a thimble that somehow can secure a bank loan to buy real estate…
The problem with Monopoly tokens is that aside from their designs it doesn’t really matter which piece you play since they all do the same thing—slowly move around the board while your family gets into louder and louder arguments. But with the wizard token you would actually get unique powers that could help you win the game, including causing everyone else’s houses and hotels to simply fly away, easily avoiding both jail and frankly any rules thanks to your fire-breathing pet dragon, and turning the middle of the board into a giant volcano that can immediately erupt whenever you don’t get to buy all four railroads.
How do you prevent a game of Monopoly from going on so long that you begin to hate the very sight of your friends or start using a pair of 20-sided dice in the hopes you can just zip around the board and buy all the remaining properties in three minutes? Well, mostly by just yelling “I hate this game! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!” and walking away. Bt if you’re committed to seeing it through, the Mogwai/Gremlin token is for you. At first in its Mogwai stage it seems like just another adorable piece. But when you’ve finally had enough, you can either pour some water on it or feed it after the game has gone on past midnight. Then the Mogwai turns into several hundred Gremlins who just destroy everything—opponents properties, their money, your kitchen table, your kitchen, the foundation of your very house—ensuring both the end of the game and the possibility that anyone will ever ask you to play Monopoly again.
80’s-Style Home Computer
For over 70 years Monopoly has pretty much used the same tokens over and over again, including such not-quite-up-to-the-minute pieces as a top hat, a non-electric iron, and a World War I howitzer. So clearly this is not a game that can just jump into the 21st century (especially when the game manufacturer’s idea of amazing modern technology is a “guitar”). Instead, Monopoly must be slowly led towards the new high-tech era with the baby step that is a 1980’s home computer token, featuring a green monochrome monitor, keyboard with no lowercase function, giant floppy drive, dot matrix printer, screeching modem with landline phone, and just enough memory to realize it’s a token in Monopoly.
Another way to deal with an unending game of Monopoly is to simply fast-forward. Whenever you feel things are moving too slowly or everyone is starting to lose focus or the will to live, simply press down on the time machine token and the action will suddenly leap ahead half an hour. Not only will this make the overall game move quicker but it will add an extra element of excitement and tension as players who were in the lead now find themselves in the poorhouse, those who only had a dollar to their name and no deed cards now find themselves laughing as you land on all their hotels, and everyone just stares in wonder as dinosaurs, our future ape rulers, and alternate realities of all the tokens now roam the board, because that’s what happens when you mess with the time continuum too much.
One of the new tokens Monopoly is letting players vote on is a “toy robot,” which sounds exciting until you realize it has the word “toy” in it. How does that differ from using a toy dog, a toy boat, or that briefly seen toy sack of money piece that looked like you were moving a vegetable dumpling around the board? What people really need to get that crucial advantage is a heavily-armed enforcement droid that can ensure you always win first—not second—prize in a beauty contest, that the bank doesn’t just make a $200 error in your favor but simply lets you walk off with its entire cash deposit, and that when you get bored you can simply launch an attack on the peg people in “The Game of Life.”
Mr. Burns Token for All Editions
When you get right down to it, the whole point of Monopoly is to control everything, destroy everyone, and find happiness and success strictly through money. (Which is why so many games end with people flipping over the board and screaming, “Mark my words! I will destroy you!” to startled grandparents.) So why not really hammer the game’s true evil nature home by making the Mr. Burns token from the “Simpsons Monopoly” edition official in all versions of the game, complete with releasable hounds and the ability to block out the sun so that the other tokens wither and die. Sure, this might at first seem a little excessive for the “Monopoly Junior Dora the Explorer” edition, but even five-year-olds have to learn that love or not, one day there moms will do everything in their power to make sure their precious bundles of joy never, ever get both Boardwalk and Park Place.
What token would you like to see added? Let us know in the comments!
I don’t need to remind you, but bullying is a big deal right now you guys. For the TV tells me so! If only real life bullies were more like movie bullies. Sure they both have deep unquenchable sadness in their souls that can only be lessened through cruelty. But then they’d all get their entertaining comeuppance in under 2 hours while learning valuable lessons about, I don’t know, magical snowflake children needing more love or something. Point is. Wait, I forgot what the point is. Whatever, listen up Turd Burglars! Read this list or else!
10. Rodrick Heffley, Diary Of A Wimpy Kid
From what little I know about Diary of a Wimpy Kid the comic, I’m fairly sure Rodrick wasn’t supposed to be such a little babelette (shoot, here come the sirens). But, for the bully that came from inside the Heffley house, Rodrick is an older brother to be feared as much as laughed at.
9. Gaston, Beauty And The Beast
Gaston is the overcompensating Hummer owner of the cartoon world. If he were in any way literate, he would have The Game earmarked and underlined within an inch of its life. Little does he know if he only abducted Belle and gave her, if not a library maybe a magazine subscription (?), it would be happily ever after.
8. Heather Chandler, Heathers
The Queen Bee of all high school film bitches, before Mean Girls had a training bra to fill. As Heather #1 she set the tone for all the carnage to follow.
7. Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket
I’m fairly sure if I quoted from the good Sergeant I would lose my job here at Smosh. Let’s just say, he’s a bully possessing a way with words so demented you would pay him to insult you for your birthday.
6. Nancy, The Craft
Poor Nancy. All she wanted was the power of the universe and a little perv free attention. The movie that launched a thousand would-be high school wiccans and sleepover “light as a feather attempts” will always be Nancy’s show.
5. Johnny Lawrence, The Karate Kid
Everyone’s favorite karate child soldier of dojo Cobra Kai. Do you think JK Rowling was a big Karate Kid fan or is the Draconess just accidental? HAVE I SAID TOO MUCH?
4. Sid, Toy Story
Ah yes, the serial killer in training next door. Sid is what I imagine Dexter was like as a kid. Except his dark passenger rides a Huffy.
3. Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter Series
I think a lot out there just love to love Draco Malfoy. Maybe it’s all the slash fiction with him “nuzzling” Harry. Or maybe it’s because a lot of the series is about the redemption of Draco’s soul. Either way, I think we can all agree Draco is one of the most ineffective bullies of all time. What with his nearly constant embarrassments when tangling with the Potter crew. Unless sniveling does more damage than making him look like he smelled a wet fart.
2. Regina George, Mean Girls
“She’s fabulous, but she’s evil”. By counting the rings around Lindsay Lohan’s eyes, I can tell you we’re far enough from Mean Girls to declare it a classic. And Rachel McAdam’s Regina is a huge reason why. The devil wears peroxide.
1. Biff Tannen, Back To The Future Trilogy
The man, the myth, the Biff. Biff Tannen is the archetypal bully: big, threatening, deeply insecure and just karmically dumb enough to warrant being embarrassed in every generation.
After you dry off from that swirly, who is the bully you love to hate? Any we missed? Let me know in the comments!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or you’ll get a purple nurple you wont soon forget!
It's only a month in to 2013 and you've already broken your resolution to lose weight. Don't get discouraged. Just because you have had a small set back, that doesn't mean you should give up for the whole rest of the year. You probably just shot way too high. Maybe you should try to find some ways to lose weight that are more complimentary to your lifestyle. Here are ways for nerds to lose weight.
For hose who don't know, LARP stands for Live Action Role-Playing. It's those dudes in the park who are running around hitting each other with foam weapons. What you may not know if that LARPing is crazy fun and burns a ton of calories. In most places, you can find a LARPing organization that meets regularly to throw down on the battlefield. Just make sure it's actual battle LARPing and not the lame paper, rocks, scissors LARPing.
Eat Healthier Gaming Snacks
Instead of round after round of nachos and fried stuff during those marathon Dungeons and Dragons sessions, throw some vegetables in there occasionally. Something like carrots dipped in hummus is really delicious and way better for you than frying everything and dipping it in melted cheese. Plus, eating more healthy stuff is going to result in way less farts. You won't have to take periodic breaks to let your basement air out.
Give Yourself Hit Points
The average adult needs to eat about 2,000 calories in a day. Just think of those 2,000 calories as your hit points for the day and calories as damage. The only way to replenish your health is to exercise so be really careful to not take damage because exercising sucks. EXCERCISING SUUUUUUUCKS!!
Get A Faster Bully
One problem you might be having is that your bully is in worse shape than you are. Running away from your bully is the only exercise that most nerds get. I know that was my main source of physical fitness growing up. This is why you need to get a more fit bully to start harassing you. A faster bully means you're going to have to run a lot harder to get away. Don't get too overzealous and get yourself a cyborg super bully from the future. There's no way you will be fast enough to out run his jetpack and a quantum wedgie is one of the worst things that could ever happen to you.
Walk In Place While Gaming
This may sound dumb, and it definitely looks dumb. Despite how dumb it is, it is a good way to burn calories during really long gaming sessions. Just make sure none of your friends tape you or you're going to end up on a clip show of dumbest people on the internet. This isn't going to give you rock hard abs, but it may help you keep from getting curves in all the wrong places.
Don't Eat Ironically
One of my favorite past times is surfing the internet for really insane food. I can get lost for hours looking at picture after picture of things that should never be fried. It's one thing to look at pictures of the worst food possible. It's a way other thing to actually eat the food. Just because you have the ida to make a chili dog Oreo pizza that doesn't mean you should actually create and consume it.
DRINK STUFF OTHER THAN SODA POP AND ENERGY DRINKS!
Yes, I will concede that Mountain Dew tastes amazing, but drinking sodas and energy drinks by the case is not good for you. You only need water to stay hydrated and definitely don't need all of the empty calories that those drinks have in them. The problem is that if you're going to be up playing Call Of Duty for 3 days straight then you need to get some energy from somewhere. You could always drink a cup of the original energy drink coffee. Coffee is low in calories and high in caffeine as long as you don't gussy it up too much. Don't get some huge fancy chocolate caramel blended coffee drink. Those are pretty much just milkshakes.
How are you planning on bettering yourself? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
Should the zombie apocalypse actually happen—either because of a meteor or the flu shot—here are a few places that despite all their amenities and/or advantages will only prove to be the perfect place to run and hide if you want to be defeated and devoured within a week…
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Plenty of supplies including sporting goods/weapons and all the donuts you can eat; Lots to do during long stretches of inaction, especially if you like watching off-the-air test patterns on several flatscreens at once; Contains what will prove to be not only the latest but also the last in fashion.
Why It Isn’t: Far too many entrances means you can wield all the lacrosse sticks and cinnamon twists you want but like a “Black Friday" for bargain-priced brains, zombies are going to rush in through somewhere eventually; As is the case with any trip to the mall—especially if you’re wandering around with your parents—after about six hours you’ll just want to kill yourself instead; Because of crushing boredom sooner or later everyone—and I mean EVERYONE—will find themselves fighting off an attack while wearing prom dresses, UGG boots, and an embarrassing number of tacky rings from Kay Jewelers.
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Middle of nowhere seems like an unlikely destination for zombies, unless they charter a bus; Flat terrain lets you scan for zombies for miles…and hours since that’s all there is to do besides actual farm work; Plenty of livestock will let you stage your own production of “Animal Farm" when boredom finally drives you to brink of insanity.
Why It Isn’t: Unlike marathon runners, zombies rarely “hit a wall," so they can keep going for hundreds of miles until they reach the farm and you realize you’re a long way from help; Farmland may also include tall crops for zombies to sneak through with complete disregard for corn maze walls; Smell of livestock will attract lumbering hordes who won’t care that you already gave the animals roles, costumes, and several hours of intense rehearsals and stage blocking.
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Plenty of distance from street-level where zombies tend to attack or sit on the stoop, talking about brains; Rooftop lets you attract attention of passing helicopters, military jets, or maybe those huge helpful birds from “The Hobbit"; Perfect hideout for those who suffer from claustrophobia or like to look up at the stars and pray for a UFO abduction.
Why It Isn’t: Unless Amazon.com decides to keep fighting the good fight, street level is your only option for getting supplies, food, and books about surviving zombie attacks; Rooftop means if zombies do in fact reach you, you’re only option is to stand on top of a fruit crate to buy yourself another half-second of safety; Worst hideout for those who don’t realize that eventually it will rain or hail or that UFOs usually abduct rural folk instead.
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Single entrance point means people can take turns guarding or just place the most hated individual on duty 24/7; After watching several seasons of “Doomsday Preppers" you’ll have made sure to stock up on everything you could ever need, including another board game besides “Monopoly" so your family doesn’t spend its remaining days screaming at each other; Since zombies tend to want to get the hell out of graves there is less a chance that they will dig through the earth to find you.
Why It Isn’t: Single entrance also means single exit when zombies break in and refuse to politely get out of your way when you wish to leave; You can only play “Trivial Pursuit" for so long until either everyone memorizes all the answers or you realize you are trapped with the world’s most astounding collection of idiots; Even a zombie can hear two siblings screaming “You started it!" at each other through the dirt and then get a shovel.
Why It May Seem Like A Good Idea: Being on a small island is like being surrounded by the world’s largest moat and the only way zombies can get across is knowing the secret password—“Boat operating instructions"; You probably won’t have to deal with strangers suddenly showing up and questioning if that Napoleon hat you made out of newspaper really means that you’re in charge; A tropical island will probably be a nice change of pace from a suburban area now covered in blood and partially-digested neighbors.
Why It Isn’t: Zombies don’t need a boat to get you. They can just keep walking, or floating, or just wait until you’ve had it up to f***ing here with coconuts and go back to mainland for any leftover pizza; Without any new people showing up you’re just going to date and eventually hate everyone in your group; A small island is also what served as the plot device for “Lord of the Flies," so don’t expect everyone to just lie around and tan.
Just Stand Your Ground and Fight
Why It May Seem Like a Good Idea: According to every single zombie movie ever made, it’s going to come down to this anyway.
Why It Isn’t: Unless you’re screaming, “Now who was insane for buying all those homemade axes, explosives, and headgear on Etsy!" it’ll only be a matter of minutes before you’re being gnawed on like a Fruit Roll-up.
What do you think is a good place to hide from zombies? Let us know in the comments!
Having achieved pop super stardom at such a young age, THE dream of nearly all aspiring musicians, I don't know what Justin Bieber has left to work towards. What does he have left to reach for? Does he want to be a nationally-ranked Call of Duty player? Does he want a muscled body like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? Does he hope to finally craft the grand unified model of physics?
"Lot of discrepancies between quantum and classical physics yo."
No matter what his ultimate goals are, it's pretty clear that Justin Bieber just accomplished a major life goal — he surpassed Lady Gaga as the most-followed Twitter user. Yes, with 33,390,642 followers to Lady Gaga's paltry 33,367,227, Bieber has more people following him than anyone else on Twitter. I don't really understand why though — he only tweets the most asinine things.
Of course, Bieber has a stunning number of Twitter followers, but let's look at that number in context. In Twitter terms, Bieber has more support than some of the biggest parts of our popular culture — more than Bill Gates, Major League Baseball, CBS World News, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Jonathan Coulton, Facebook, and even President Obama. I totally get why Bieber would have more followers than President Obama though — he only tweets the most asinine things.
My initial reaction to this story was anger. How dare Justin Bieber conquer Twitter in such a silly, stupid way? I mean, what is Justin Bieber's twitter account really saying? What is he bringing to the conversation? Nothing! So how dare he be the most popular person on Twitter — a medium I so love?
But I started thinking about it, and came to realize that everyone has their own way of using it and they all think everyone is doing it wrong. So you can use Twitter to get your news. You can use Twitter to write jokes. These are all valid uses of the service. But therefore it's also a valid use of the service to feel a little closer to your favorite celebrities. That's a also a valid use of the service, because everyone's own interpretation of Twitter is what makes Twitter so vibrant and lively. To cast dispersions on ANYONE'S use of Twitter does the entire service harm.
Except Emma Watson, who is REALLY dumb on Twitter.
Who's the best person you follow on Twitter? Let me know on, of course, Twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 8 Actually Clever Corporate Twitter Accounts!
Über babe Megan Fox copped some major media flak recently because of an Esquire Magazine interview in which, amongst other bizarre statements, she proclaimed to be an End-Times believing Christian who speaks in tongues. (A sample quote from the interview, which can be read here: "We should all believe in leprechauns. I'm a believer…") This ride on quizzical quote airlines ain’t her first rodeo, though – no sirree. Crazy crap has been coming out of this broad’s yap for years. She gets away with saying stuff like this 'cause she's hot. If she looked like a bag lady, she'd be institutionalized.
Wilde at Heart
When asked about whether or not she possessed sapphic desires, Fox responded, "I could see myself in a relationship with a girl. Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She's mesmerizing." OK, so maybe that quote’s not that weird. Women do love it when you express your attraction to them via animal sacrifice, after all...
Social butterfly? Hardly. According to Fox, "I have no friends and I never leave my house." Dang...who knew those Transformers movies were shot in her house? Her digs must be, like, cavernous!
In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Fox proclaimed, "I think that I'm so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting." Y’know...like Charlie Manson did!
Megan is mega-grody: "I’m horrible to live with. I don’t clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, ‘Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn’t flush.’" Upon reading this, a generation of teenage boys lost their collective boners. And a generation of kinky, creepy, old men gained theirs.
Ef-Wrong, Wrong, Wrong
When Fox isn’t fixating over the unbearable hotness of Olivia Wilde, she’s getting her rocks off by thinking of dreamy teen Zac Efron: “Zac Efron is my obsession, we’re the same person. We’re not actually here, it’s like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it’s me, and you don’t know that. It’s one of the greatest mysteries of all time." She has something comparably creepy to say about Efron’s ouvre, too. She once told a reporter, "Ok, well let me tell you what (High School Musical) is really about. High School Musical is about this group of boys who are all being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron’s dad. It’s about them struggling to cope with this molestation. And they have these little girlfriends, who are their beards. Oh, and somehow there’s music involved. You have to get stoned to watch it." You heard it here, folks! If only the 12-year-olds who liked High School Musical got high before they watched it, they’d be able to appreciate the subtext!
Bi Bi Bi
As is the case with many smokin’ hot babes nowadays, Fox swings both ways: "I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who is bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never sleep with a girl who had slept with a man." That’s all well and good, but Megan Fox is a mother. SPOILER ALERT: She had sex with a dude to become one.
Pattin’ on Rob
Animal sacrifice not extreme enough for you? Well, how does cannibalism sound? The voracious Fox once said, "I would eat Rob Pattinson, so that I could steal some of that pretty. I wanna be pretty like he’s pretty." The most ridiculous part of that statement by far is, of course, the implication that Fox eats anything.
In spite of her eccentricities, Fox always manages to smell as fresh as a daisy: “If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like—you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on Transformers always smells like farts, and I have no idea why.” I don’t know about you, but I wish I weren’t lactose intolerant right about now!
Baby, I Wanna Make You Starscream
The (apparently) insatiable Fox claims, "Starscream is the sexiest Transformer. ‘Cause he just is. Why is Simba (from The Lion King) sexy? He just was. Maybe it was because Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the voice. I can’t tell you. It’s something I just feel." Wanna know how I feel having read that? Icky inside.
If you woke up in the middle of the night and Megan Fox was hovering over you breathing heavily, would you be terrified? Let me know in the comments!