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    It’s no secret that most pop artists get a little help writing their songs, but sometimes the amount of “help” is outrageous. Entire teams of dudes wearing sunglasses indoors, slaving over their ipads trying to get another word that rhymes with “booty.” I’ve looked into the official songwriting credits of a few pop songs, and these are some of the most surprising. If Taylor Swift can write her stuff by herself, what are these people doing?


    Starships – Nicki Minaj

    Nicki Minaj Starships


    Number of writers: 5

    This isn’t just Nicki working here. It takes a few people to try and rhyme “on” and “zone.” Maybe one of the credited writers is the person who came up with “Twinkle Twinkle little star.”

    Sample lyrics:

    Starships were meant to fly

    Hands up and touch the sky

    Can’t stop ‘cause we’re so high

    Let’s do this one more time

    (Oh oh, oh oh)


    Baby – Justin Bieber

    justin bieber baby songwriters


    Number of writers: 5

    Whatever devil’s brew these five guys put together seemed to work, since this was Justin’s first big hit, and is the 2nd most viewed YouTube video of all time.

    Sample lyrics:

    And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh

    Like baby, baby, baby, no

    Like baby, baby, baby, Oh

    Thought you'd always be mine, mine


    Califronia Gurls – Katy Perry

    Califorina Gurls


    Number of writers: 6

    Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg (I’m sorry, LION) I can understand, but when did they invite the other 4 people over? Were they stuck finding a way for “greener” to rhyme with “water?”

    Sample lyrics:

    California girls, we're unforgettable,

    Daisy dukes, bikinis on top!

    Sun-kissed skin,

    So hot we'll melt your popsicle!

    Oh oh oh ohhhhhhh!


    Whistle – Flo Rida

    flo rida whistle


    Number of writers: 6

    To get the radio to play a song about being pleasured orally, one man isn’t enough. It takes TEAMWORK. Congrats guys, you did it!

    Sample lyrics:

    Go'on girl you can work it

    Let me see you whistle while you work it

    I'mma lay back, don't stop it

    Cause I love it how you drop it, drop it, drop it, on me

    Now, shorty let that whistle blow

    Yeah, baby make that whistle blow


    Run the World (Girls) - Beyoncé

    wun the world


    Number of writers: 6

    Who runs this song? 5 dudes and Beyoncé.

    Sample lyrics:

    Who run the world? Girls!

    Who run the world? Girls!

    Who run the world? Girls!

    Who run the world? Girls!


    Imma Be – The Black Eyed Peas

    Imma be


    Number of writers: 6 (9 if you count the members of The Black Eyed Peas individually)

    I was shocked that anyone would claim credit for this, but LOTS of people want to be known for writing one of The Black Eyed Peas’ most irritating songs.

    Sample lyrics:

    I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be

    I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be

    I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be


    Shake Señora – Pitbull

    pittbull sucks


    Number of writers: 9

    Harry Belafonte got a credit for writing the song "Shake Señora" was based on, but what were the other 8 people doing? If these people really want to help Pitbull, they should get him to quit music.

    Sample lyrics:

    My girl got a big old booty, yeah

    Your girl got little booty, oh no

    My girl got a big old booty, yeah

    Your girl got little booty, oh no

    No, my girl got a big old booty, yeah

    Your girl got little booty, oh no

    Oh no, my girl got a big old booty, yeah

    Your girl got little booty


    Power – Kanye West

    kanye west power


    Number of writers: 10

    This one is surprised me since POWER is kind of awesome (YOU try not getting attached to it after listening to this song whilst killing people in your jet fighter in ‘Saint’s Row the Thrid’), and Kanye is an experienced producer so he should know what he’s doing. Maybe the writers on this one spent a lot of time on the music track, while Kanye did the lyrics?

    Sample lyrics:

    I'm living in the 21st century doin' something mean to it

    Do it better then anybody you ever seen do it

    Screams from the haters, got a nice ring to it

    I guess every superhero need his theme music


    Don’t Wake Me Up – Chris Brown

    don't wake me up


    Number of writers: 10

    This song is 80% just chorus. Did just one writer work on song while the other 9 went off and tried being a baseball team? Was this like a lyric potluck, where each writer brought one sentence worth of song, and they just made a song from that?

    Sample lyrics:

    Don't wake me up (no)

    Don't wake me up,

    Don't wake me up (yeah)

    Don't wake me up up up up up up


    Did any of these really surprise you? Let me know in the comments or on twitter @carpetislava.


    Check the 10 Worst Pop Songs Of 2012!

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  • 01/05/13--12:09: Why Seth MacFarlane Sucks
  • Seth MacFarlane has had quite an accomplished career – he created Family Guy, one of the most successful cartoons of all time, and recently directed Ted, the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time. But screw him. He sucks. Allow me to explain.


    The Dude Doesn’t Know How to Write a Joke

    why seth macfarlane sucks doesn’t know how to write a joke


    Listen, folks – a stupid pop culture reference does not a joke make. Merely saying the name “Gary Coleman” is not a joke. Hell, even showing Gary Coleman while you say“Gary Coleman” isn’t a joke. The same goes for the twenty-plus cut-away shots that pad every single Family Guy script.


    The Dude’s Been Eating Lunch on the Same Idea for Years

    why seth macfarlane sucks made same show three times


    The dude's made the same damn TV show, like, three times...and the movie he made ALSO involved loveable schlubs interacting with a naughty talking animal. I’m not saying he has to write a heart wrenching drama about a kid with cancer, but come on! Can’t he show a little range at some point?


    The Dude Thinks He’s Frank Sinatra

    why seth macfarlane sucks mediocre swing singer


    He fancies himself a mediocre swing singer. It was bad enough when your grandma got into Michael Bublé – now there’s another nostalgia act you have to tolerate listening to whenever you go to her house (which, thankfully, isn’t often). MacFarlane recorded his vanity album "Music is Better Than Words" in the same room as Sinatra recorded many of his albums, and even used the same microphone as Old Blue Eyes. Someone should “fly him to the moon” and leave him there.


    The Dude Thinks He’s Competent Enough to Reboot The Flintstones

    why seth macfarlane sucks reboot flintstones


    He had the hubris, the unmitigated GALL, to try and reboot The Flintstones, a.k.a. one of the best cartoons that has ever existed. Not only that, but he wanted to voice Barney. I mean...could you imagine?!? Luckily, Fox pulled the plug on this monstrosity before it came to pass.


    The Dude Thinks He’s On the Same Level as Carl Sagan

    why seth macfarlane sucks carl sagan archive


    He donated money to create “The Seth MacFarlane Collection of the Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan Archive at the Library of Congress.” Permanently attaching his name to that of legendary astrophysicist Carl Sagan is unforgivable – it’s like Pauly Shore funding “The Pauly Shore Collection of Albert Einstein’s Tasty Research, ‘Bra.”


    The Dude Put Words in a Cartoon Ace Ventura’s Mouth

    why seth macfarlane sucks thinks lois griffin better than marge simpson


    He wrote for the positively dreadful, universally despised cartoon version of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. How that show was allowed to live for three seasons is a mystery.


    The Dude’s Straight Up Delusional

    why seth macfarlane sucks thinks lois griffin better than marge simpson


    "I would place Lois Griffin above Marge Simpson any day of the week." He said that. In an interview. I read it. And somehow didn’t send a bomb to his place of business.


    The Dude’s Smug as Hell

    why seth macfarlane sucks looks smug


    His face is just so damn punchable. He looks like the smug, evil jock in an 80's high school comedy. Ugh, I get it! You dated Amanda Bynes pre-drug induced meltdown! Good for you, schmuck!


    Why do you think Family Guy rules and I totally drool? Let me know in the comments!


    Check Out Hilarious Family Guy Gifs!

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    These ice skaters are pulling some serious face in this pic! But I wonder what they were thinking at the moment they made this awesomely weird and scary face? Give us a funny caption that explains this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!

    ice dancers weird face


    If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 1/7/13 will not be considered. Good luck! 

    CAN'T WAIT? You can buy a shirt HERE!

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    Conversation. It’s what brings people together. It’s also what causes you to tear out your hair or heart should be stuck in a really bad one. So to help you save both your day and your life, here are six easy-to-remember statements that can ensure your escape from a boring talker, a rambling friend, or even a teacher during a particular heinous lecture.


    “I should let you go.”

    conversation man on cellphone


    Approach:“Insincere Sincerity.” Usually used over the phone, this allows you to seem considerate of the other person’s time when in fact you’re just counting down the seconds to either the call ends or that person winds up hearing 42 straight minutes of you smashing the receiver over your skull while sobbing.

    Alternative:“I’ve taken your family hostage and don’t want you to waste any more valuable time that you could be using to meet my demands instead.”


    “What time is it?”

    conversation wrist watch closeup


    Approach:“Ejector Seat.” By simply asking for the time not only do you break the flow of whatever in God’s name they were babbling about, but you get to follow it up with “Sh*t! I’m late! Gotta go!” “Sh*t! My mom/dad/significant other/impatient pet is going to kill me!” or “”Sh*t! The time bomb! Run!” Of course, it helps if you actually do run off, rather than wander into a nearby store or just lie on a bench.

    Alternative:“Where’s the emergency room/my baby/the antidote?”


    “What on earth are you talking about?!”

    conversation frustrated man pointing


    Approach:“Bluntly Inquisitive.” Best blurted out right in the middle of the other person’s sentence—often while tossing your hands up in the air and looking wild-eyed—this shows you are in no mood for idle chit-chat. Then every time they try to restart the conversation repeat, “No, seriously, what on earth are you talking about?” Keep saying this, louder and louder, until they either get the point or start to fear you must have failed every single reading comprehension quiz as a child.

    Alternative:“This reminds me of the time I ended up having a conversation with a sofa cushion because I was suffering from a high fever. But at least the sofa cushion knew how to tell a freakin’ joke.”



    conversation bored man sleeping


    Approach:“Leading the Witness.” You can’t just come right out and tell someone they’re boring you because that would be rude. But you can make a variety of sounds ranging from a sigh to a yawn to talking in your sleep that will cause the talker to stop and ask, “I’m sorry. Am I boring you?” At which point you can say, “Oh my god yes! Thank you for noticing! You know, you get me. You really get me.”

    Alternative:“Oh for ****sake I wish one of us was a corpse so we could end this.”



    conversation man screaming black and white


    Approach:“Nuke Option.” You tried tact. Your tried making choking noises in the hopes that the other person would stop talking and save you, not yet realizing just how committed they were to their story of their kitten Mittens and the squeaky toy that just wouldn’t stop squeaking. So what’s left other than to suddenly point at the other person, open your mouth so wide that your lower jaw unhinges, and scream while slowly backing away, occasionally pointing at nearby strangers to let them know they better not say a damn word, either.

    Alternative: Blindly throwing punches while foaming at the mouth and cursing.


    Maniacal laughter

    conversation girl laughing hysterically


    Approach:“Simple Insanity.” Sometimes you just can’t take it anymore. You try to find a point to their endless ramblings. You desperately try to find a way out of the conversation that doesn’t involve you suddenly lunging in for a bite. And then you crack. First it’s a high-pitched giggle. Then some deep chuckles. Until finally you’re bursting into hysterics, yelling, “You’re killing me! You are literally killing me!” between resounding guffaws as the other person wonders what was so damn funny about their story about their bowel obstruction.

    Alternative: Convulsive sobbing.

    How do you get out of annoying conversations? Let us know in the comments!

    Check Out Most Annoying Phone Conversations To Have!

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    Jacob Cox-Brown had a pretty fun night on the town, according to Facebook. He and his friends played the classic children's game, "Get drunk and hit this guy's parked car."

    kid parked car
    The classic children's game

    The Huffington Post reported that Jacob Cox-Brown's morning wasn't nearly as fun as his evening though, as police officers showed up at his door to charge him for drunk driving and for hitting a dude's car. How did they know this? Because posted about it on Facebook:

    dudes playing video games in college
    To be fair to Jacob, that is a pretty funny Facebook post.

    It's now officially a really bad idea to post about criminal activitiy on Facebook. Jacob is just one in a string of people to get caught that way. By far the most egregious person to get caught that way was dunderheaded serial killer Lou "Chainsaw" Peters who posted "LOL just tricked a man into my van! Wuuuut! Cut his head off, replaced it W/ A Deers head! ;)"

    facebook careful
    Be careful what you brag about on Facebook. You never know who is reading your posts. PS. It's the Punisher.

    A Facebook post wasn't enough evidence to charge Jacob Cox-Brown with drunk driving, so instead the cops had to settle for "two counts of failing to perform the duties of a driver." But, because of the obviously very succesfully funny and entertaining Facebook post they also had to begrudgingly charge him with, "eight counts of living up to the duties of a Facebooker."

    jacob cox-brown
    Each of these kittens has commited several homicides. They, however, do not post about it on Facebook, so they keep getting away with it. Meanwhile, the unassuming suburb in which they reside continues to live under an ever present cloud of fear.

    What crimes have you committed! Let us in the comments below so we can call the police!


    Check Out 22 Hilariously Strange Crimes!

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  • 01/07/13--13:29: 6 New Emoticons for 2013
  • Everything about how we communicate—texting, Facebook chats, Twitter—keeps improving. But for some reason we’re still stuck using the very same emoticons from years ago (with slight alterations to eyes, mouths, or even angrier red cheeks). What we need now are new emoticons that do more than simply express when we’re happy, in love, or sobbing so hard it looks like four-pound tears are falling from our eyes. We need the following very, very specific faces to help us really get our message across…


    “Please stop turning every damn thread into an excuse for your angry political rants, especially since this is a My Little Pony forum.”

    new emoticon no political rant


    “I can’t tell if you’re flirting with me or not so I’m just going to leave this face on screen until you either say something sexy or immediately sign off.”

    new emoticon awkward flirting


    “I’m one behind every one of your comments I’ve responded to, so please know that when I said ‘Oh cool!’ it was for your new job, and not for your severed thumb.”

    new emoticon one comment behind


    “For the sake of making me feel better about my horrible spelling can we just agree that the last 12 mistakes were Autocorrect’s fault?”

    new emoticon spelling mistake


    “The reason I’m taking so long to respond each time is because I’m trying to impress you with facts I’m just now learning through Google.”

    new emoticon google search


    “Everything I’m typing now I’m doing so while drunk, which means everything I just wrote is the absolute truth but you should act like it’s not.”

    new emoticon drunk wine

    What kind of emoticon would you like to see? Let us know in the comments!

    Check Out More New Emoticons!

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    With some of these celebs I have to give them mad props for turning their lives around. With others on the list I have to give them mad eyerolls for having it all and throwing it away because they have a genetic predisposition to act like dumbass I guess. Here's a look at 10 celebrities who have one HARD TIME. Not Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton time.


    Danny Trejo

    celebrities prison


    So Trejo doesn't just look like a scary-ass criminal who will curb stomp you just to steal your Hello Kitty Wallet. He actually was a scary-ass criminal who served time in San Quentin for druggin' and robbin'.  I'm glad he turned his life around, but I think he's pretty much destined for a career of typecasting. Can't really picture him headlining a rom-com. Although I might be convinced to see a rom-com with him in the lead.


    50 Cent

    celebrities prison


    Fiddy went to prison for selling crack. He adopted the moniker 50 cent after being released. It signifies change. GET IT? My rap name is 2 cents, cause I'm always sticking my nose up in people's bidness! JK I don't have a rap name. But if I did I can guarantee you it would sound like I was trying too hard.



    celebrities prison


    T.I. went to prison on Federal weapons charges. He also served time in music prison for sampling the Numa Numa song in Live Your Life.  Aw man now I have that earworm burrowing into my brain again.


    Tim Allen

    celebrities prison


    Family film fave Tim Allen was convicted of Federal drug trafficking. DAYUM, SANTA CLAUSE! He turned rat to avoid life in prison, serving just shy of three years. I bet all the people he turned on hate his motherloving guts. Also he should seriously consider rocking that 'stache again.


    Martha Stewart

    celebrities prison


    Martha went to rich people prison for the rich person crime of insider trading. She got instant street cred and now regularly bakes brownies and makes mashed potatoes with Snoop Dogg. First of all I refuse to use Lion and second of all I want brownies and mashed potatoes for lunch.


    Lil Kim

    celebrities prison


    First of all...let's all behold Lil Kim in her natural state. Whoa. Kim served time in the Big House for lying to a Federal Grand Jury. She was sentenced to 1 year and one day in Federal Prison and one season on Dancing with the Stars.


    Wesley Snipes

    celebrities prison


    Blade is in prison right now! Pay your taxes Blade! We need Blade 4 and 5 to be made! 


    Robert Downey Jr.

    celebrities prison


    Aw man it makes me  sad to think of RDJr in prison.  I don't even have any jokes to make because I'm so happy he's drug free and kicking ass. I'll make fun of myself instead. When he was in prison I thought about becoming pen pals with him and had fantasies that he would fall in love with me. Oh wait that's not funny, that's just sad. My bad!


    Mark Wahlberg

    celebrities prison


    We all laugh at Marky Mark's 'rap' career but he actually was straight up thug. He went to prison for assault and was originally charged with attempted murder for the brutal and racially motivated beating of a Vietnamese man. Okay, we can still laugh at his rap career because it was straight up lame.


    Lil Wayne

    celebrities prison


    I guess having Lil in your name is a sure sign you might end up incarcerated. You're next Lil Twist! Lil Wayne's face here kills me. Also I'm glad he wore his dress hoodie for this court appearance. Maybe there's hope for him after all. Oh no I just remembered he got this tattooed on his forehead:

    celebrities prison


    I take back every nice thing I ever said about him. Okay, well that one thing.

    Were you surprised at any of these? Follow me on Twitter and tell me all about your feelings on this subject. Or leave them in the comments below!

    Check Out 10 Mugshots That Are Oddly Appropriate For The Crimes!

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    Here we are, a week into January, and already, people are slipping on — even abandoning completely — their new year's resolutions. Oh, you haven't broken yours yet? WHAT, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME? Well, a) you probably are better than me, but b) it's only by a couple of days.

    You see, all new year's resolutions have the specter of failure hanging over them. It's only a matter of time before you revert back to your gross, lazy, 2012-self. Therefore, it makes sense to give up on the HARDEST resolutions right now! Here are the new year's resolutions you should just give up on already.


    "After all these years, I'm finally going to become fluent in another language!"

    learning new languages


    Let's assume you DO learn a new language. Say, French. What are you going to do with that new skill? Go to FRANCE? You know they HATE Americans there. In fact, ninety percent of every American who goes to France is kidnapped by terrorists and held hostage. The ONLY Americans who have ever come back from France are Liam Neeson's children. Don't believe me? Well I watched over half of Taken while ironing my laundry and playing Letterpress on my iPhone, so it'd be great if you could NOT doubt me on this — I'm pretty much an expert on foreign relations.


    "I'm going to waste less time reading celebrity news!"

    anne hathaway red carpet


    You think you're going to stop obsessively following the lives of people who make infinitely more money than you and will never be capable of caring about you, let alone learning you exist? If you had any love in your life, you wouldn't have cared about them in the first place.

    So what's different between this year and last year? Did you FIND someone to love you? Oh, that girl from the new year's party? Guess what — that was just new year's magic. It's not going to last. But Britney Spears? She'll be breaking up with dudes all year long.


    "It's time to finally get that college degree!"

    adults in college


    You think you're going to go back to college and get invited to the college bars with your new pals? YEAH RIGHT. You're like 25. They're 18. The age gap there is WAY too big.

    Think you can overcome it? Consider the way that older guy in your college econ class reacted when you talked about Pokemon. That confusion and fear is what it's gonna be like for you when the younger kids bring up, like, Stiffboarding and Riboflavin Points. You see, for me — and almost certainly for you — the time for college is over, so all I can use to describe what college kids are into these days is GIBBERISH.


    "These credit card bills are overwhelming. I'm going to pay them ALL off this year!"

    credit card debt


    Check it out — it costs A LOT of money to pay off debt, and you don't even GET anything for doing it. If I got, say, an X-Box 360 game for every 60 dollars in debt that I paid off, then YEAH, I'd be out of debt. But why would I EVER pay down my credit card bill when I can USE those credit cards to BUY X-Box games? Do these debt collectors even GET how the economy works?


    "I'm going to go jogging every single day"



    A lot of people believe that jogging improves your overall fitness and helps you think more clearly. But here's the thing — you burn the EXACT same number of calories NOT jogging as you do jogging, so long as you also drink a lot and do plenty of hard drugs and take up hang gliding or chainsaw juggling.

    I learned all this during a consultation with my doctor about my new year's fitness goals, and while he HAS been in love with my wife for years, I don't REALLY think he'd give advice that would kill me. In fact, he even told me HIS new year's resolution was to not kill me!


    "I'm only going to cook food at home. No more eating out"

    ordering at restaurant


    Any idiot can stop going to those expensive, small serving restaurants, but the reason this resolution is NOT gonna hold is that Subway is offering the Chipotle Chicken and Cheese for only FIVE dollars all throughout the month of January. I've literally been living off of Chipotle Chicken and Cheese sandwiches since the 3rd, and I've realized — I'm a man who loves fast food. It feels so great to just be HONEST about that and be myself.

    That said, it feels physically disgusting to be honest about that and to be myself.


    What new years resolutions have you given up on in years past? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


    Check out New Year's Resolutions Of Cartoon Characters!

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    When I was a kid my parents punished me the old fashioned ways: by grounding me, making me go to my room, or if I was really bad by extracting one of my teeth, grinding it to dust, and making me ingest it while simultaneously branding me with a scarlett letter that was the first letter of the trouble I had gotten in.

    punishment time
    Old fashioned "time out" device for kids.

    So Kotaku is reporting that a Chinese Father, frustrated at his son playing too many video games and not looking for work, has figured out a very different way to punish him. Specifically, he hired "in-game assassins" to stalk and hunt his son so that every single time he logs on they take him the hell out.

    assassinate my son
    "Listen to me. Do not speak. You play video games too much yes? From now on you will only play video games after you have spent five hours looking for work, yes?"

    The assassins are all high level players in the game, whose sole purpose in the game now it so wait for this guy's son to log on, run up to him, and f**k him up. His son may not have found a job, but this guy has inadvertantly created just about the coolest job I could ever think of having.

    assassinate my son
    Michael Bledsoe, Mountain Dew Fanatic/ Professional Assassin

    His son has been being assassinated over and over again for quite awhile now, and the result has been that he has told his Father, "I can play or I can not play, it doesn't bother me. I'm not looking for any job—I want to take some time to find one that suits me." While that's not exactly getting a job, it is progress. His father is somewhat relieved. So this story has a not tragic ending. Also, it has given me a great idea for a business:

    warcraft assassin
    Satisfaction guaranteed.

    Realistically, what do you think are your odds of surviving the zombie apocalypse? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


    Check out Brains that Even Zombies Wouldn't Eat!

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    We all have bad days, right? And sometimes, on those bad days, we do things we regret — yell at our friends, ignore work emails, leave animals in our cars with the windows up. But those are all small things that can be fixed with an apology or a good airing out. If we were superheroes, there could be great consequences to our actions. Here are some crimes our best and most moral superheroes might commit on a bad day.


    Flash - Hurricanes



    Since The Flash is always running on water — I guess just to prove he can— any simple change in direction can cause a flash flood. If he was having a particularly spiteful day, though, The Flash could EASILY cause a hurricane and wipe away our greatest cities. In fact, in the DC Universe, Hurricane Sandy was caused by The Flash getting the wrong order at Del Taco. Of course, in the real world, Hurricane Sandy was was caused by America's hedonism.


    Superman - Complete and utter world domination

    superman world


    Humanity got REAL lucky when Superman crashed on the Kent farm and was raised to love the world, because if he wanted to, he could RULE THE WORLD. And it would be SUPER EASY FOR HIM. It would take Superman as long to laser-eye the entire military as it would take you to read an article in the New York Times. So, you know, maybe twenty minutes, depending on how interested he was.


    Hawkeye - regular human crimes

    hawkeye avengers


    Perhaps petty theft, or contempt of court. Who gives a sh*t what Hawkeye does he's just some guy.


    Martian Manhunter - identity theft

    martian manhunter


    When you're in debt as deeply as the Martian Manhunter, it's actively difficult NOT to shape-shifting into a rich Wall Street tycoon and emptying his bank account into yours. Unfourtunately, just LOOKING like someone isn't enough to gain access to their finances, especially without an ID, social security number, or any sort of personal information whatsoever. Martian Manhunter just ends up smiling and trying to flirt with the teller. Unsuccessfully.

    See, it's that lack of long-term planning that got Martian Manhunter into debt in the first place.


    Batman - SO much homicide

    angry batman


    Hey guys? You know Batman is just, like, one wrong look away from straight-up murdering everyone he sees, right? Batman is basically repeating "don't kill anyone" to himself EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. If he gets distracted from that mantra, someone is going to die. So if some Thursday Batman's favorite podcast doesn't update and he finds himself on edge, don't be surprised if Gotham suddenly has a one hundred percent murder rate.


    Spider-Man - petty high school crimes

    spiderman villainous


    We must never forget that Spider-Man is a stupid teenager and, in the event of a moral lapse, would only be capable of doing stupid teenager crap. So movie theater employees will have to start checking the ceiling for people sneaking in without tickets and gas station owners would have to figure out how to keep their behind the counter Hustler magazines safe from webbing.


    What crimes are you one bad day away from committing? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


    Check out How Superheroes Deal With Depression!

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    I should put this out there; I think Skrillex is awful. I’m probably more accepting of dubstep than most people my age (who don’t live in the UK), but he’s… man, I really can’t handle it. But I don’t think less of anyone for listening to it. You know why? Because I have listened to some HORRIBLE music in my life. For instance, I know most of the words to that song Limp Bizkit did with Method Man. So who am I to judge Skrillex? I don’t like him, but people are entitled to their own opinions, which is why you shouldn’t laugh at me for singing along to Jesus Christ superstar while I’m driving. Of course, that doesn’t stop people from judging Skrillex. People who have really bad taste in music themselves. For example, here are 7 Bands That People Who Make Fun Of Skrillex Have No Qualms About Listening To:



    bands skrillex mockers like


    I take what I said in that opening paragraph back: This is the worst band on Earth, and you should feel bad for listening to them. But so, so many people do! Their lead singer proudly trumpets the fact that they write pretty much the exact same song over and over, and they’re also Canadian, which, gross. So how could you possibly mock Skrillex if you like Nickelback? So much mean stuff has been written about this band, that at this point it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, except that would produce a sound more pleasing to the ear than anything Nickelback has ever made.



    bands skrillex mockers like


    Even people who LOVE Metallica have to qualify it with “Not now, but back in their awesome period.” But, here’s the issue, I was not alive during their awesome period. I’m even willing to wager that approximately zero percent of anyone reading this was alive during their awesome period, which was during the eighties. You know what was awesome in the eighties? NOTHING. Well, maybe Top Gun, but that’s pretty much it. I’m sure Metallica meant so much to you during that time that you still think of that fondly. So why can’t you let people have that with Skrillex?


    Bon Jovi

    bands skrillex mockers like


    What was that? I couldn’t hear you criticize the music I like over the off-key wailing of one of the stars of “New Year’s Eve”.



    bands skrillex mockers like


    Come on Rush fans, what band has been mocked by so many people, and for as long as Rush? You should be comrades in arms with Skrillex fans, standing together and screaming “We’ll listen to whatever weird music we want, and you can’t stop us!” But no, you’re like the kid who used to be the one everybody bullied until the new kid showed up, then you joined in the bullying to take the heat off yourself. For shame!


    The Beach Boys

    bands skrillex mockers like


    Beach Boys fans are the exact demographic who like to say things like “that’s not music, it’s just noise! There aren’t even lyrics!” First, perhaps you are familiar with another genre of music that does not have lyrics, aka “classical music (you uncultured ape), and Second, god forbid the world be deprived of such amazing lyrics as “Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learning how, come on and safari with me.”

    Justin Bieber

    bands skrillex mockers like



    The Biebs! Almost all his fans are very young, so I’m going to cut them slack, as the part of their brain that would normally tell them “Hey, maybe you’re not in a position to criticize someone else’s taste in music” hasn’t really developed yet.


    Ko(Backwards R)n

    >bands skrillex mockers like



    Ha ha ha, just joking, these people know what they’ve done.


    We’re dumb, with bad taste, right? Let us know in the comments!


    Check Out Skrillex, Reviewed By Cute Kids!

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    Have you ever been so deep in a video game environment that you thought, "Gee, I’d like to live in that world" even as you repeatedly pumped lead into horde after horde of zombies or realized you were surrounded by sword-wielding pandas? Well, here are just a few of the video game towns that would make great places to call “home” (along with a few reasons why you shouldn’t pack up and head there just yet)…


    Super Mario World

    video game town super Mario bros world


    Reasons to Live There: Perhaps the best municipal plumbing system in the world, money so readily available all you have to do is jump and suffer a mild concussion, and a world of such wondrous sights and creatures it’s like "Alice in Wonderland" without the English accents or heavily-armed playing cards.

    Reason Not To: This is what reality would seem like if you had a permanent 106-degree fever and thought even the plants were out to kill you.



    video game town skyrim elder scrolls V


    Reasons to Live There: A vast variety of terrains—tundra, forest, mountains, highlands—means you will never get bored or be unable to impress friends when they visit. The economy is robust thanks to many professions that end with the suffix "smithing" or "mead provider. " The people are large and healthy, the architecture majestic and magical, and every city in Skyrim sounds like a track listing from a Celtic music compilation

    Reason Not To: It’s basically the Middle Ages, so prepare to drop dead from tooth decay or from living past the age of 14.


    Liberty City

    video game town liberty city gta


    Reasons to Live There: Like living in New York City without the high cost of living in New York City, without everyone automatically hating you because you come from New York City, and with being able to actually drive around New York City instead of being stuck on a subway platform for 30 minutes at 3 AM desperately trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

    Reason Not To: Unless the career objective on your resume reads "Find Hooker, " "Kill Hooker" and "Repeat," you’re not exactly going to be proud of what you do to make ends meet here.



    video game town hyrule legend zelda


    Reasons to Live There: Beautiful, almost untouched nature wherever you turn, a chance to start over with any name you desire, a horse to call your own (or also whatever name you desire), and people who understand what you’re thinking even when you don’t say a single word.

    Reason Not To: You will never meet a land full of more chatty, demanding, outright helpless individuals in your entire life.


    New Austin

    video game town Austin red dead redemption


    Reasons to Live There: Revisit the ultimate freedom and sense of adventure by forever wandering the wide open spaces of the Old West just before it’s taken over by such modern inventions as automobiles, machine guns, and those fancy new shovels that can bury upwards of six bullet-ridden, dehydrated corpses found being picked apart by vultures in the desert.

    Reason Not To: In the Old West you pretty much had three options: be an outlaw, chase after outlaws, or just drink until your heart pumped cheap whiskey watered down with turpentine and gun powder.


    Pac-Man Maze

    video game town pac man maze


    Reasons to Live There: Sure, there are no awe-inspiring views, no people to speak of (or to), the décor looks like a bachelor pad after everything has been sold for meth, and you’re being chased by ghosts who look like demonic scrubbing bubbles. But there’s food EVERYWHERE, you occasionally get to be invincible, the layout keeps changing, and sometimes in intermission you get kissed by a girl Pac-Man (or what might turn out to be just you in drag).

    Reason Not To: If you ever wondered what it would be like to be trapped inside a mall after all the stores are closed and zombies somehow got in through the back door of an American Eagle, this is it.


    p>What would you do to the residents of Mushroom Kingdom if you lived there?Let us know in the comments below!


    Check Out What New Year's Eve Was Like In The Mushroom Kingdom!

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    There was a time when I was just like you: I watched parkour videos on YouTube, thought, "dang, those guys are cool," then ate a bath tub full of Cheetos while staring at nothing in particular. That time is dead and gone. I am now a thin, wiry parkour expert, here to share with you the many ways parkour has made my daily life a breeze. Crack open a Cheeto tub and let's get rollin'!


    Breakfast: The Most Radical Meal Of The Day

    daily parkour


    Most people crawl out of bed in the morning feeling like a pile of wet laundry, then take 15 minutes finding the correct balance of milk to cereal. Not this guy. I start my day by backflipping out of the hammock I sleep in onto my kitchen counter. Then I start kicking wildly while doing some kinda weird dance thing, when voila! 30 seconds later, I have made a perfect Denver omelette with my feet. I eat it while doing a handstand.


    Sitting In Traffic Is For Suckers

    daily parkour


    What kind of loser drives to work? I parkour there, jumping from rooftop to telephone line to moving truck like Spider-Man with bone spurs in my ankles. I live about ten miles away from where I work (which is a cage containing a bucket of water, a bowl of rice, and a mid-90s computer that only goes to this website) so I get pretty tired if I try to parkour the whole way. Usually I parkour for about five minutes at a time and then sit on some guy's car.


    Haute Parkour

    daily parkour


    Shopping for clothes is a dull nightmare, much like almost everything else in this world. Not for Parkour Master Daniel Dominguez! I like to continuously flip whenever I'm in clothing stores. If I see clothes I like, I flip into them. They don't fit? FLIP OUT! I repeat this process until I'm wearing as many layers of clothes as I intend to buy. Then I grab a barcode scanner, do a full-body slide down the register while scanning my clothes, and fling my credit card like a shuriken through the credit card reader. It's pretty kickass, you should see it.


    Parkour Dates!

    daily parkour


    I don't date chicks who don't do parkour. Parkour is just such a big part of my life, you know? If she doesn't parkour, it's like we have nothing in common. This is why I make sure to test a lady's parkour ability on every first date. First she has to run up a brick wall then jump onto a fire escape, then she has to frontflip up a spiral staircase, then we see a movie. So far most of them have left, one of them broke her collarbone, and one made it all the way to the movie before she said Les Miserables is a terrible first date choice and left. Still looking for that special someone.


    Parkour Parkour

    daily parkour


    I get released from work at 6, then I have ME TIME. I spend so much time parkouring that I don't know too many people (I used to have friends but I ditched them because none of them could slide down a handrail on one foot), so I usually just parkour it up until bedtime. It's a lot of fun, you should totally try it! You have to parkour for about 9 hours a day for a couple months before you're good enough at it to avoid catastrophic injury, but it's totally worth it once you can make sweet seven foot jumps between buildings. Plus it makes you have almost zero awareness of how desperately alone you are and how getting into a sport won't change that. So hit me up if you wanna start parkouring!


    Do you jump off high things? Let us know in the comments!


    Check out Moving Car Parkour!

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    Sometimes, wealth makes people do insane things, like fill a garage with cars they'll never drive or get Willow Smith a record deal. But for all the ludicrous things rich people do, at least none of them has ever commissioned a hand-crafted gold shirt.

    phuge gold shirt
    See, THIS is why we have to raise the debt ceiling.

    Datta Phuge, a 32 year old money-lender from Pimpri-Chinchwad, India, had a shirt made for himself out of pure gold. According to The Mirror, this gold shirt took fifteen goldsmiths working 16 hour shifts for two weeks to make. You might be wondering what Phuge's job is, so that you too might get into a career where you can get clothing made from the most expensive materials. Well, the answer is money-lending — the subtle art of already having money and giving it to people to get back still more money.

    college class
    So if you're looking for a subject to major in at your university there...

    The shirt is seriously ALL gold, featuring gold cufflinks, a gold belt, and gold buttons. Wait, I'm sorry — the buttons are made of crystal. Now, crystal is still an insanely expensive material, but this guy was making a GOLD shirt. I don't know how you over look this detail. He's got a crystal fly in his gold ointment.

    crystal fly
    Crystal flies do maybe half the damage to the
    overall Indian economy as entirely gold shirts.


    So the question becomes — why? Why would Datta Phuge have this shirt made? When asked, Phuge said "I know I am not the best looking man in the world but surely no woman could fail to be dazzled by this shirt?"

    So, when ole' Datta Phuge feels lonely, rejected by the women in his life, his response is to appeal to their innate and insatiable greed?

    "Girrrrl, look at he GOLD shirt! I'mma MARRY that man!"

    Can't imagine why a woman wouldn't love a man who thinks of them like that.

    Would you fall for a man because of the materials that make up his shirt? Or the materials that make up his heart? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


    Check out 7 Worst Ways People Try To Win Arguments On The Internet!

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    Anyone who likes their video games gruesomely violent knows that Sub-Zero and Scorpion are sworn enemies. If you foolishly believe the official story that Mortal Kombat tells you, Sub-Zero hates Scorpion for killing his brother. Wrong! Though Scorpy totally killed that guy, Sub-Zero always thought his brother was a jerk and didn't care. Why do they hate each other, then? Read on...


    Scorpion Always Invites Himself To Parties

    scorpion subzero


    Whenever Scorpion and Sub-Zero argue about this, Scorpion makes the valid point that he should've been invited in the first place. "I mean, seriously. You guys invited Reptile. That guy pukes acid." Sure, it's mean not to invite Scorpion to stuff, but the guy SUCKS at parties. He always gets super aggressive hitting on girls and yells at them to "GET OVER HERE!" which got old like ten years ago. Sub-Zero doesn't have the heart to tell him that maybe he should just quit being a tool.


    Sub-Zero Smells Pretty Bad

    scorpion subzero


    Sub-Zero thinks that, since he's so cold all the time, he must not need to take showers. NOPE! The dude works out constantly. Even if he's a magical ice ninja, he's bound to get sweaty. When was the last time you saw him in anything but that blue vest? Exactly.


    Sub-Zero CAN'T BELIEVE Scorpion Still Hasn't Seen "The Wire"

    scorpion subzero


    "COME ON, man. It premiered all the way back in 2002. You're an undead wraith who never sleeps. How can you say you 'can't find the time' to see The Wire? Just see it already!" Every time Sub-Zero and Scorpion hang out, Sub-Zero asks if Scorpion has seen The Wire yet. Secretly, Scorpion knows he could see it whenever he wanted, but he hates how Sub-Zero badgered everybody else in Mortal Kombat to see it and wants to hang onto his independence, even if it means that he misses out on a really, really good TV show.


    Scorpion Thinks He Can Dance

    scorpion subzero


    He can't. But he will try. Loudly and in public. Sub-Zero probably just hates this because deep down he thinks he's a better dancer who just has too much dignity to bust a move like Scorpion, but who knows? He's an ice ninja.


    Sub-Zero Posts Kickstarter Links On Facebook At Least Twice A Week

    scorpion subzero


    Get it together, Subz. Most of our friends have jobs. The fact that almost everyone you know is a "starving artist" who really, really needs an extra $600 in the next 48 hours to complete his pottery art should make it clear that you need to be friends with adults. Now please stop asking us for money.


    Scorpion Ate The Last Piece Of Pizza Three Times In A Row

    scorpion subzero


    Scorpion may have killed Sub-Zero's brother, but some crimes are unforgivable.


    Are you inhumanly violent? Let us know in the comments!


    Check out The Best Tweets From The Mortal Kombat Fighers!

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    Listen – just ‘cause a corporation is huge, faceless and solely profit-driven doesn’t mean it can’t have a sense of humor. These corporate Twitter accounts make capitalism...FUN! And when I have FUN, I forget about the fact that I don’t have HEALTH INSURANCE! Do products and/or services make you LOL? If so, follow these blithe businesses ASAP!



    funny corporate twitter accounts charmin


    As one would probably expect from a company that specializes in manufacturing products to wipe your ass with, Charmin’s Twitter feed is filled to the toilet rim with jokes about, uh, taking a dump. According to their bio, "We all go to the bathroom. Those who go with Charmin really enjoy the go!" (As a Charmin aficionado, I must say I concur with this statement.) Example tweets include “#thatawkwardmoment you make eye contact leaving the restroom. #mybad #therewasnoFebreze #tweetfromtheseat” and "It's the first #2 of the year. Make it a good one."



    funny corporate twitter accounts skittles


    Ah, Skittles. Who knew the colorful candies were so damn...out there? With tweets like, "Ever been to a 4D movie? It’s awesome, it goes back in time and becomes a play," Skittles’ feed is a tribute to absurdist humor. I mean, they just told a dude who tweeted at them that they were gonna buy him a cumulonimbus cloud! These guys are nuts, I tell you! NUTS!


    Taco Bell

    funny corporate twitter accounts taco bell


    Taco Bell’s Twitter account is smugly humorous – perhaps a bit too smug, considering that the gout merchant doesn’t sell anything over $0.89. Regardless, these dudes know how to use hashtags. Example tweets include "#ThingsILikeToDo Eat Taco Bell," "#YouGainMajorPointsIf you bring me Taco Bell. Right now." and "#MyPerfectDate includes Taco Bell."



    funny corporate twitter accounts mcdonald’s


    McDonald's Twitter isn’t intentionally funny. Its humor lies in the fact that it’s stupid, tedious and devoid of personality. All day, every day, the braintrust over at Mickey D’s “social media” HQ tweets drivel like "Have you created your New Year's resolutions yet?" and "Good taste doesn't have to cost a lot. RT if you plan to enjoy our Dollar Menu this week!" The funniest parts, though, are people's responses to McDonald’s tweets. One dude recently tweeted, "Somewhere Jesus is crying" in response to a nondescript tweet about the McRib. And, quoth Larry the Cable Guy, “that’s funny right there – I don’t care who you are.”



    funny corporate twitter accounts hardee’s


    Cheesy and dumb, Hardee’s Twtitter account routinely spits out happy birthday messages to celebrities of varying levels of fame (examples include "#HappyBirthday to the grooviest evil mini clone we know, @VerneTroyer #YaBabyYa" and "#HappyBirthday to a real American Gangster, Denzel Washington!"). At 16,098 followers, it (inexplicably) has a pretty pathetic fanbase compared to other corporate accounts...maybe if it started tweeting at dead D-list celebrities, more people would jump on board.



    funny corporate twitter accounts domino’s


    The sauce and dough dealers are hilariously needy – about twenty times a day, they ask followers for a RT if they, y'know, like pizza (example: "RT if you LOVE PIZZA."). They constantly ask questions and make statements about cheese, too (example: "With all that cheese, why not RT?"). Yeah...they’re pretty cheesy. (Sorry.)


    Old Spice

    funny corporate twitter accounts old spice


    In sharp contrast to businesses like McDonald’s, Old Spice’s Twitter account has a pretty dry sense of humor. It does a good job of promoting the brand’s products in a self-aware, non-annoying fashion (examples: "Many ppl would say that a real boom box is better than a gift set that looks like 1. But those ppl are ungrateful jerks" and "If u want to give an aquarium full of sharks as a gift but are having a hard time wrapping that, consider this gift set"). It makes sense that their sense of humor would be dry, though, what with them being a deodorant brand and all. (Again, sorry. I’ll show myself out.)



    funny corporate twitter accounts applebee’s


    Applebee’s doesn’t just make inedible food – it also makes its own own hilariously stupid Twitter hashtags, like "#NewYearsWithTheBees" and "#ApplebeesPlaylist." When they aren’t saying things like "Hear that? It's the dinner bell. Who's hungry?" and "Oh I just wanna show you off to my friends, making them drool down their chiney [sic] chin chins #KissYou," they’re asking if their followers are "getting hungry.” If they ARE hungry, hopefully they have something other than Applebee’s to eat.


    If I paid you, like, $50, would you eat at Applebee’s? Probably not, right? Let me know in the comments!


    Check Out 20 Celebrities Getting PWNED On Twitter!

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    There are all sorts of ridiculous conspiracies surrounding the shady side of Hollywood. Most of them are so out there that it's completely unbelievable. I recently saw one that is definitely true. Most of our favorite Hollywood celebs are secretly Pokemon. It's true! Here are celebs that are secretly Pokemon.


    John Travolta

    There are all sorts of rumors about John Travolta, but his biggest secret is that he's part of a giant Dugtrio. He keeps the other twos heads hidden under his shirt. The John Travolta Dugtrio is the reason for most of the earthquakes in Southern California.


    Justin Bieber

    justin bieber instagram


    I know most of you hate his music, but maybe you should consider this one thing. Justin Bieber's music is terrible for a human, but great for a Pokemon. Most Pokemon can only say their own name. He has at least twenty other words he can say like "Yeah" and "Baby".


    Brock Lesner

    brock lesnar belt


    Of course, everyone that fights Brock Lesnar is terrified of him. He's definitely a Machoke. He's used to fighting other Pokemon with insane special abilities. What chance does a regular old human have of defeating him?



    snooki from south park


    Snooki is probably the most dangerous Pokemon on this list. I legitimately fear the day when she finally evolves in to the dreaded Snooking. The fire and destruction brought upon the world will be like nothing we have ever seen.


    Zooey Deschanel

    zooey deschanel huge bangs


    No human could have bangs like that. Is there a hair type Pokemon? Why don't I have bangy flowing locks like Zooey?!?!! If she's not a hair type Pokemon, then she's definitely an eye type Pokemon cause I heard that she can pop her eyes out of her head and make them fly in to you. It's pretty gross, but an effective way to win a Pokemon battle.


    Verne Troyer

    Verne Troyer was formerly one of the Digletts that make up the John Travolta Dugtrio. He broke off a while ago to try to form his own Dugtrio, but it never worked out.


    Micheal Phelps

    phelps holding medals


    Michael Phelps is a great swimmer for a human. He's really not that great for a Pokemon. I know the IOC has strict drug testing standards, but I don't think the atheletes have ever been tested to see if they are a Pokemon. He has 22 Olympic Gold Medals. When he's finally found out, this will be one of the biggest scandals in sports history.


    Taylor Swift

    kanye west and taylor swift


    Most people don't realize Taylor Swift is a Meloetta. That's the reason Kayne got so upset that Taylor Swift won the VMA for Best Female Video. He's an known Pokemon hater. IF you look at the fine print of the rules for the VMAs, it doesn't technically say that you have to be human to win.


    Anthony and Ian

    Why else do you think Anthony and Ian are such Pokemon superfans? It's so obvious. Anthony is an Onix, and Ian is a Mr. Mime. Duh!


    What celebs do you think are secretly pokemon? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!


    Check Out Celebrities That Taylor Swift Should Date!

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    It’s deeply, profoundly egotistical to assume that the rest of the world wants to look at photos of the cupcake you’re about to eat, your cute manicure or your sweatered dog – that being the case, pretty much everyone on Instagram is a narcissist. Celebrities on Instagram, however, are even worse than us normal folks. Why, you ask? Because tens of thousands of sycophantic fans support and feed into their rampant narcissism. The end results of this idolatry are ridiculous celeb snaps – since fans’ll “like” anything, stars give ‘em just that. From bizarre to boring, these pictures will make you scratch the hell out of your noggin.


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures pauly d


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures britney spears


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures kim kardashian


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures justin bieber


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures ke$ha


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures lindsay lohan


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures ashley tisdale


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures kourtney kardashian


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures kelly osbourne


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures tyra banks


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures rihanna


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures usher


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures zooey deschanel


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures taylor swift


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures oprah


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures snoop lion


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures Ke$ha


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures snoop dogg


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures zach efron


    ridiculous celebrity instagram pictures mc hammer


    How narcissistic are YOU? Tell me all about it (and yourself) in the comments!


    Click here to check out The 8 Types of Instagram Photos!

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    The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2 was nominated for 11 Razzie nominations yesterday, including worst picture, worst actor for Robert Pattinson, worst actress for Kristin Stewart, and Ashley Green for worst supporting actress. Greene's nomination is, of course, SUPER weird, since Ashley Greene was, far and away, the best part of that movie. Am I thinking of the right Ashley Greene?

    ashley greene
    OHH, I was thinking of the female extra in the coffee shop scene. I get it now.

    Despite every installment in the Twilight series receiving multiple nominations, it's never won any of the big "Worst Of" awards. It seems, though, that the Razzies were simply waiting for the finale to recognize Twilight. "This is our equivalent to 'The Lord of the Rings.' It's our members' last chance to razz 'Twilight.'"

    While it's maybe unfair to compare Twilight to Lord of the Rings, I can't help but think that if Twilight had had even ONE sweet Gandalf-like wizard character. He could have functioned as the voice of maturity, wisdom, and reason the film needed all along.

    "How could they be so concerned for their ridiculous high school relationship?"

    Kristen Stewart was nominated not only for her role as in Breaking Dawn 2, but also for for Snow White and the Huntsman, making her a dual-nominee, which would be an honor if winning a Razzie was in any way an honor. At least she was nominated twice in the same category — Tyler Perry was nominated for both Worst Actor AND Worst Actress, since he made one of those Madea movies this year AND played a man in some movie.

    Bridging the gender-gap, one god-awful movie at a time.

    While it's certainly fun to make fun of Twilight — and don't get me wrong, it is ludicrous — I still can never really get on board with The Razzies. I mean, it's an awards ceremony intended only to tear down the work of others. It's contributing nothing to society writ large — this is basically a formalized venue for internet trolls. When grown-ups see something they don't like, they move on with their lives. They don't sit there, dig in, and dwell on it. They move on, think about the things they love, like their children, or licorice, or sunshine. The way the Razzies are set up right now is just... I don't know. Spiteful. Mean-spirited.

    But here I am razzing the Razzies! I don't know if I deserve a Razzie or the Razzies deserve a Razzie. Perhaps we all deserve a Razzie for encouraging the Razzies, which will in turn encourage the Razzies, making more and more Razzies leading to the ever-compounding awarding of Razzies.

    razzie award
    I'm a favorite for the "Worst Attempt At Being Meta" Razzie.

    Was Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 the worst movie of the year? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


    Check out Breaking Down The New Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 Trailer!

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    For every successful remake like “The Karate Kid” there are numerous reboots that flop hard like “Total Recall,” “Arthur,” and “RoboCop” (which hasn’t come out yet but we’re placing our bets now). But that hasn’t stopped movie producers from actually, actively seeking to remake the following films…


    Dirty Dancing

    remake movie dirty dancing finale


    Plot: A girl helps, falls for, and is forbidden to a see a dance instructor during a family’s vacation in the Catskills in 1963 that seems to last the entire summer and most of fall. But this being the 60’s, the girl defies society’s rules…by learning to do the cha-cha. Then the girl is lifted triumphantly in the air. Then everyone wonders why they didn’t just go on a cruise instead.

    Why Remake Should Not Be Made: Role of “Johnny Castle” is so connected to the late Patrick Swayze that to see anyone else play it would be like watching Han Solo be performed by Greedo. Recent reboot “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights” already proved that you can’t strike lightening twice, especially when you use half your dance movie to chronicle the rise of Castro.



    remake movie jumanji dunst williams


    Plot: Two kids find a mysterious old board game, start playing it, and accidentally unleash a horde of charging rhinos, giant mosquitoes, and CGI monkeys that looked startling realistic back in 1995 but by today’s standards resemble Mr. Teeny from “The Simpsons.” Oh, and they also release Robin Williams unto the world, but don’t blame the kids for that.

    Why Remake Should Not Be Made: The story “Find board game, play board game, unleash animals” doesn’t lend itself to a lot of reinterpretation, especially when it barely served as a plot the first time around. Only reason to remake the movie would be to use superior effects to make animals so terrifyingly realistic that the audience could actually believe they would rip open the chest cavities of the two kid characters. Robin Williams may want to star in this one, too.



    remake movie gremlins movie theater


    Plot: Father gives son a small furry creature called “Gizmo” and three simple rules: Never expose him to bright light, never get him wet, and never feed him after midnight. Idiot son can’t even follow one of those rules and soon Gizmo is spawning bloodthirsty, mayhem-seeking, lizard-like gremlins who create such over-the-top havoc this very film resulted in Hollywood creating the PG-13 rating. Oh, and it’s a Christmas movie.

    Why Remake Should Not Be Made: This same story line has already essentially been done twice (with “Gremlins 2: The New Batch” actually being the better of the two). Reboot would mean bringing back Howie Mandel (the voice of Gizmo), so there’s a chance some half-assed game show involving briefcases or a flash mob may appear in the middle of the movie. Possibly increased bloodletting could cause Hollywood to create a new rating called NC-45.




    remake movie wargames matthew broderick


    Plot: Looking for a new game to play, a kid accidentally hacks into NORAD with a landline and a home computer that barely has enough power to show vowels on its screen. Doing so starts the countdown to nuclear assault on the Soviet Union. Computer stops World War III from happening when it learns that it can’t win at tic-tac-toe. Really.

    Why Remake Should Not Be Made: Original 1983 movie was very much a product of both the Cold War and a time when people weren’t sure home computers would serve as a means of storing recipes or could kill them in their sleep thanks to those “bytes” they were only first hearing about. Today, idea of a teen hacking into NORAD sounds less like a movie thriller and something one would briefly see scrolling across the bottom of CNN between news updates of Justin Bieber trying to explain that photo of him with a heroin needle, naked midget, and scuba mask.


    Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

    remake movie honey shrunk the kids


    Plot: Struggling inventor creates an electromagnetic shrink ray that accidentally shrinks his own children (and some neighbor’s kids of which he’s probably less worried about). Kids must survive brooms, bees, scorpions, and a bowl of Cheerios as parents frantically search for them. No kid winds up having to be removed from the bottom of a sneaker by scraping it against the curb.

    Why Remake Should Not Be Made: True, the new version would feature furniture and insects that didn’t clearly look like they were oversized props or being manipulated by six puppeteers just off camera. But there’s a good chance the new version would just feature the kids screaming while being chased by a Roomba. Plus, innocent magic of first movie could be lost if instead the kids are shrunk down to microscopic size and immediately devoured by a virus.



    remake movie scarface al pacino


    Plot: A young man arrives in Miami with big dreams of running a multimillion-dollar coke empire, banging countless hookers, and inspiring the plot to more than half of all Rockstar Games. He then learns that crime pays spectacularly…unless it’s the third act of a movie, in which case everyone dies.

    Why Remake Should Not Be Made: To match intensity of Al Pacino’s performance in the movie, studio would have to find an actor who could perform through a bullhorn and do a Latino accent with a level of cultural sensitivity not seen since “Speedy Gonzalez” cartoons. Original version already used up 95% of Hollywood’s prop drugs. There’s always the chance Johnny Depp would want to do this wearing another weird hat and using an even more off-putting accent.


    What movie are you most hoping will NOT be remade? Let us know in the comments below!


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