Kanye and Kim Kardashian are having a baby. It may or may not go well. Let’s all have opinions about it, quick.

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The New Year is a time for personal rebirth. It's really important to take a look at your life and evaluate how you can make the next year even better. It's not just people that make these resolutions. I polled some of our favorite cartoon characters to see what their New Year's Resolutions are. Let's hope they don't stick to them because it might make some of these cartoons kind of lame. Here are New Year's Resolutions by cartoon characters.

Spongebob Squarepants

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In 2012, I'm going to get spongeic surgery to finally fit in to those triangle pants that I've been eyeing at Forever 21.

Ash

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I've got to get a real job. No more wandering around like a hobo looking for Pokemon. I'm going to be a dentist just like my mom always wanted.

Donatello

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I'm tired of everyone always thinking I'm the "nerd" turtle. I'm going to get covered in tattoos and start dating some trampy sewer mutants with 5 boobs. That'll show them all how cool I am.

Shaggy

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I have to stop eating Scooby snacks. It doesn't matter how hard I have the munchies. Scooby snacks are dog food. I must only eat people food.

Streex

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It's so hard to feel so different. I've been thinking for years that I should go see a therapist to help me deal with the trauma of being turned in to a giant shark. Depression isn't very jawesome.

Bender

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New Year's Resolutions are for suckers. I'm already perfect. Why would I want to change anything? I guess my resolution is to keep being awesome.

Finn

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I will go on the greatest adventure of all time. It'll be an adventure so epic that all of the other adventures I've gone on put together don't reach the level of epicness of this new adventure. Then when we're done, we'll go get ice cream.

Goku

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This year I'm only going to die 4 or 5 times. 10 times at the most.

Flapjack

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I'm going to finally get adopted by a nice family who will give me all of the candy I could ever want. It kind of sucks living in a whale with a smelly old hobo.

Pinkie Pie

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This year I will raise an army, take control of Ponyville, and rule with an iron fist! All who oppose me will feel my wrath!

What is your New Year's Resolution? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out The New Year’s Resolutions You Are Most Likely To Keep!

The only thing I did throughout 2012 was eat meat. NO I didn't see no Batman movie. NO I didn't vote fer president. NO I didn't eat no stupid vegetables or drink no baby CHOCOLATE MILK. I just sat in my cabin, ALL ALONE, eatin' nothin' but MEAT. And it was the BEST DAMN YEAR OF MY LIFE. I'm gonna rank my meat for y'all, but not because I like ya. In fact, I HATE YA. But even a man as BIG AND TOUGH AS ME needs to write things down so he can REMEMBER 'EM.

Anyhow, here's the best damn meat of 2012.

8. Hot dogs

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Eating hot dogs reminds me of going to baseball games with my dad, where we would bring our own animals and mash them into hotdogs, roasting them in the fire we started in a garbage can in the stadium's parking lot. THERE AIN'T NO REASON FER US TO HAVE GONE TO A BASEBALL GAME IF WE WAS JUST GONNA MAKE HOTDOGS OUT IN THE PARKING LOT. My dad was a damn fool.

7. Lamb

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Lamb is difficult to prepare, if only because it tastes so much better if you DON'T COOK THE LAMB. YOU GOTTA LOOK INTO THAT LAMB'S INNOCENT EYES AS YOU EAT THAT LAMB ALIVE.

6. Steak

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STEAK tastes GREAT!

5. Beef

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So does BEEF!

What's that you say? Beef's the same as steak? BOY you contradict me again and I will RIP YOUR TEETH OUT, PUT 'EM IN MY FREEZER, and use em like BABY ICE CUBES.

4. Deli ham

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Sometimes you only got time fer a SANDWICH.

3. Pork

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I'll tell you one thing and one thing only about pork — it's goddamn DELICIOUS. It tastes like you're biting into a cloud. A cloud made out of a PIG. I do hope I just accidentally described heaven.

2. THE INNARDS

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An animals' innards are nothin' but a candy necklace fer ADULTS.

1. Those college kids trespassin' on my property last winter

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If I don't show those university cowards that there's CONSEQUENCES to walkin' on my property, soon I'll have all goddamn ALPHA KAPPA PI runnin' round my yard!

Which, now that I've given it some THOUGHT, I would WELCOME. Roll yourselves in garlic and COME ON DOWN TO THE FEAST, FELLAS.

What was yer damn favorite meat of 2012? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out how to go grocery shopping like a DAMN GROWNUP.

Just because you're all dark and brutal on the outside doesn't mean you don't have a snuggly-wuggly adorable heart. Here are a bunch of metal dudes proving you can't judge a book by its black and spiky cover!

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Are you a walking contradiction? Tell us in the comments!

Check out A French Girl Singin' Death Metal!

Last week I told you about how Nintendo characters celebrate New Years, but I only gave you half the story. You see, the Mushroom Kingdom is much bigger than just its most famous citizens-- and much crazier. Don't believe me? Read on...

Princess Peach Has A Party And It's Super Awkward

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Peach's royal jerkwad family spends every year at Peach's castle for Christmas and hangs around until New Year's. Every year it's the same questions: "How could you date a plumber?" "Are you EVER going to put up an anti-Koopa security system?" "When will I get a nephew?" On New Year's Eve, they complain about how her "good-for-nothing Italian boy toy" isn't there until she runs away screaming and gets kidnapped by Bowser. Then all the guests have to leave before midnight, feeling like they rented a tux for nothing. It's weird.

Goombas Have Zero Self Control

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Since almost any contact will kill them, Goombas are famously reckless. This New Year's, expect tons of them to get eaten by Chain Chomps and Piranha Plants right after screaming "#YOLO!!!"

Toad Is A Toadal Buzzkill

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No one wants to invite Toad to their New Year's parties because he kills any and all buzzes that may otherwise happen. Playing cool music? Toad says it's too loud. Hey, Toad, want a mushroom? No thanks, I am a mushroom. The worst job of all on New Year's is being Toad's wingman, since he's extremely picky with girls. He says his "princess is in another castle," but we all think he's hiding something.

Yoshis Are Excellent Party Monitors

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Members of the Yoshi species are great at making sure everyone gets home safely. First of all, if they think you've had too many mushrooms, they will swallow your kart keys and seal them in a giant egg. Second, they are transportation. This is why every Mushroom Kingdom party has at least two Yoshis hanging out by the door drinking cranberry juice.

Violent Crime Among Spike Tops Skyrockets

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People tend to get a little rowdy on New Year's Eve, and Spike Tops are no exception. Usually these little guys just crawl up and down walls and mind their own business, but come New Year's, all hell breaks loose. While everybody else is busy celebrating, Spike Tops suddenly remember that they can't be defeated with either jumps or fireballs and decide to steal all the coins they can get their grubby claws on. The cops would try to stop them, except the Mushroom Kingdom has no cops.

Birdo Makes Terrible Decisions

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Look, if you laid eggs out of a hole in your face you would probably have issues too. I won't go into specifics, but I will say that Birdo starts every new year with an awful headache and a really big omelette.

Do you eat mushrooms you find in the woods? Let us know in the comments!

Check out the Best YouTube Comments of 2012!

Sure, Taylor Swift might have a boyfriend right now, but they'll probably be broken up by the time I finish writing this sentence. I've never set up any real people, but I have set up a lot of my action figures and all of their relationships are working out great. I think that now it's time for me to give some relationship advice to a living human. Here are celebrities that Taylor Swift should date.

Michael Cera

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Taylor has dated way too many bad boys. That's why things never work out. Michael Cera is the opposite of a bad boy. I'm sure he'd totally stay up with her all night on the phone just chatting away like a nice boy. He'd be great for Taylor. They could totally like cuddle and hold hands and awkwardly look at each other. It'd be super cute, you guys!

The Situation

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I don't think this would work out, but I do think that dating The Situation would make her want to settle down with someone decent. Sometimes you have to sink to the ultimate depths before you can come out on the other side. A lot of Taylor's relationships have been bad, but none of them have been Jersey Shore cast member bad. She should date The Situation because after dating him she'll be able to finally settle down with someone. Who knows? Maybe they'll fall in love for real and have a million babies.

Psy

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Psy's career is kind of on the down slide now. He either needs to release a great new song which won't happen or he needs to get in a high profile relationship. Celeb Couple Name: Psylor

Matthew McConaughey

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A few years ago Matthew McConaughey was arrested at his home playing the bongos naked. They're both musicians so they at least have that in common. I'm pretty sure Taylor's touring band doesn't have any naked bongo players in it currently and they depserately need to fill that position.

Tom Cruise

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Word on the street is that Tom Cruise is on the prowl for a new lady. This would be great for Taylor's music career. She is notorious for writing songs that are influenced y her relationships. After spending a little while involved with Scientology, she will probably write a pretty epic space opera. If that happened, I would probably actually watch her music videos with the volume on.

Everyone Else In One Direction

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She's already dated one of them. She might as well go for the rest of the group. Hopefully they would all start fighting with each other and the group would break up. Then we wouldn't have to listen to any more terrible songs about why girls with low self esteem are hot.

Lindsay Lohan

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Taylor's young and should be experimenting with her sexuality. Lindsay Lohan has dated girls in the past. It seems like a perfect match. Of course, Lindsay might be going back to jail so this might have to be a long distance relationship for at least a little while.

Who do you think Taylor Swift should date? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out 7 Guys Who Should Have Known Better Than To Date Taylor Swift!

Commercials pretty much always suck. But these suck harder. Here's a look at the 10 worst commercials of 2012. Prepare to be pissed off.

Ragú-Long Day of Childhood

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See your parents having sex. Carb load to kill the pain. Accurate maybe...but surely there are better ways to sell spaghetti sauce? Although I do wanna eat a huge plate of spaghetti right now even though I know it will never fill the hole in my heart, so maybe they're onto something.

Progressive Commercial - Flobot

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Just when you thought Flo couldn't get more annoying she does. I feel guilty sometimes for wishing that Flo and the Geico geckos die in a firey car crash and their surviving family members get no insurance benefits. It's okay because they're not real, right?

Zooey Deschanel iPhone 4S/Siri commercial

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I will never forgive Zooey for making some poor sap deliver tomato soup to her in the pouring rain because she's too busy dancing. That's not very adorkable of her.

Verizon Crying Commercial

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Seeing something like this is the best birth control ever. No one wants to turn into this mom and no one wants that daughter.  Also is it wrong to wanna grab them both by the hair and knock their heads together? Or maybe it's best if an anvil just falls on them. Clearly I get all of my problem-solving ideas from cartoons.

There You Are - CHANEL N°5

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WHY? WHY!?!?!  He knows there's no Academy Award given for  pretentious commercials, right? 

Prius Family commercial

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This song is like the 'Call Me Maybe" of jingles. No matter how much you hate yourself for doing it, you just can't help but sing it constantly. Also it's just mean to say Prius for everyone. It's Prius for those who can afford expensive cars and wanna look like they care about the environment. 

2012 Honda Pilot Commercial - Road Trip

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This commercial makes me hate family. And are we really supposed to believe that all of these dorks know 'Crazy Train'  like they know the back of their hand? Thanks for ruining 'Crazy Train' Honda. I hope all of your cars get recalled.

Cottonelle Care Routine: Settle This

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Speaking of hating family, the day I discuss cleaning my butt with both of my parents please put me out of my misery in a humane way. Clearly my life has come to sh*t.

GEICO-Piggy

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Yay! No annoying Geckos! FINALLY.  Oh wait...an annoying piggy. Why do I have the sudden urge to eat a pulled pork sandwich topped with bacon? Oh yeah, my rotten childhood. And to make this pig squeal its final squeal.

Kay Jewelers-Open Heart

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 Am I the only one who finds this commercial creepy as hell? What are Open Heart necklaces the new candy? Behind every Open Heart is a story that is about to take a horrifically unexpected turn. It's kind of reminding me of that movie The Stepfather...only way more disturbing.

What was your least favorite commercial of the year? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 10 Unbelievable REAL Seen-On-TV Products!

With Twilight almost a sparkly and constipated memory, a new YA book series must rise. The Hunger Games is the obvious and more than worthy (and actually literate) successor but there are many other offerings in 2013. True, at this point, if you write a Young Adult novel, you’re going to get a movie deal. It’s the best “get rich quick” scheme since Twilight fan fiction met repressed housewives. But many are worth your adoration. Maybe one of these!

Beautiful Creatures – February 13, 2013

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I’m easy, I’ll see anything with magic powers. Throw in some phenomenal actors like Emma Thompson and comedy legend Jeremy Irons and some questionable southern accents and it’s pretty much unmissable popcorn fair.

The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones – August 23, 2013

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Battle (half) angels fighting the forces of darkness made for an incredibly successful and beloved book series. After seeing the trailer I’m not sure if the adventure will translate but I can say this for sure: I saw Lily Collins both smile AND frown so she’s already a better lead than K-Stew.

The Host– March 29, 2013

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It will be interesting to see how a book so reliant on what’s literally going on inside it’s characters heads will translate on screen. Not as interesting as say the monster from the Korean film The Host attacking Stephanie Meyers, but what is?

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters – August 16, 2013

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Nathan Fillion plays Hermes and Giles is in it, what more do you ingrates need? Hopefully not a repeat viewing of the first film, that’s best left alone.

Ender’s Game – November 1, 2013

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Everybody loves child soldiers, you put their cherubic faces in space and you’ve got yourselves a hit! Ender’s Game has had a long road to becoming a film but CG and the right script have come along to make this legendary series a reality.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire– November 22, 2013

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Like you need me to tell you that the second film in the Hunger Games Trilogy is worthy of your money time. Katniss and everyone’s favorite cake decorator Peeta are back in the arena for the Quarter Quell aka the best plot device since the disappearing Marty McFly in Back to the Future.

Honorable Mention: The Great Gatsby– May 13, 2013

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Although not technically a Young Adult novel, enough people have read and dissected Gatsby in school to make it at least Young Adult adjacent. The film’s pushed back release is hardly a good omen but the lavishness of a Baz Luhrman film is usually worth the price of admission.

Honorable Mention: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug– December 13, 2013

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Finally some f@#$ing dragons.

What movie are you looking forward to seeing most? Let me know in the comments!

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or I’m telling all the Jabberjays about what you did with your cousin last summer.

Check out 20 Rejected YA Book Covers!

Professional eater Jamie "The Bear" McDonald walked into a local Denny's recently, pointed to the menu, and said "I'll take all of it". But the menu McDonald ordered wasn't their stock menu — not even a professional eater would touch the Midwestern Meat and Potato Sandwich — it was their recently introduced Hobbit menu. In under 20 minutes, McDonald finished every Middle Earth inspired plate Denny's could imagine.

I was going to say this was an Unexpected Journey™, but he probably planned well enough to come prepared with enough money to both pay the bill and provide a generous tip for the wait staff.
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While Denny's Hobbit menu features a lot of food that references Lord of the Rings, like a burger with onion "RINGS" on it and a breakfast served in a "Hobbit-hole", whatever that is, but some of the items from the Hobbit menu don't seem particularly Hobbit-y. Like the grilled cheese sandwich? Is it just "Gandalf's favorite sandwich"? And what is that second plate McDonald eats? Are those just regular eggs and hashbrowns? Are some of Biblo's companions tired of the insanity of their day to day lives, and hoping to come home to a simple, meat-and-potatoes kind of meal?

"Bifur, couldn't we just have, like, a sandwich?"
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The Hobbit menu seems disgusting, but it's one of the least offensive movie-themed menus I've seen. First there was the Cracker Barrel start offering "True Grits" on their breakfast menu. And I didn't even understand Chuck E. Cheese's "The King's Speech" menu. Finally, Burger King's sponsorship of Transformers lead them to make a Whopper that transforms into a Whopper Jr.

EVERY Whopper eventually transforms into a Whopper Jr. just by the nature of it being eaten.
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Professional eaters are sometimes said to be the healthiest people amongst us, and that makes sense when you watch McDonald's buff arms cut apart the Gandalf Gobble Melt. But they would only be healthy in a purely physical sense. In the "I know someone in the world loves me and I don't have to do this to prove my worth as a human being" sense, professional eaters are certainly amongst the least healthy. Here's the video, if you want to see a man do something truly awful to himself.

What movie-themed menus have you eaten entirely? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

When it comes to presents, whoever said “It’s the thought that counts” was a moron. Driving down to the local Bath and Body Works and buying a butt-ton of $3 loofahs for every single female in your family takes absolutely no thought at all – that’s why everyone does it. Receiving a thoughtless gift doesn’t always have to be a bummer, though. With a little ingenuity and gumption, you can transform that piece of crap you got for Christmas into a hunk of gold!

Save That Sweater

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Wondering what to do with that lame Cosby sweater your grandma gave you? Turn it into a doily and re-gift it to her next Christmas. She's so senile, she probably won't even be able to discern its shameful origin!

Prank You Later, Skater

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Step One: Put fake dookie stains in the ill-fitting underwear you got from your parents. Step Two: Throw said underwear in the locker of that dude from P.E. class you hate. Step Three: Wait for the LOLz to roll in.

Forever Alone

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Turn that Forever Lazy you got into your very own fortress of solitude. Because, well...who needs love and companionship when you have a fleece-covered butt-flap?

Mmm...Lotion...

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Y’know those 800 travel sized body lotions you got in your stocking? Start a contest with your siblings to see which among you can fit the most of ‘em in your mouths. The winner gets the hyper-coveted “Cinnamon Cherry Blast” lotion; the loser has to drink the “Spiced Pear Explosion” one.

Gonna Chow Down on Friday

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Take that $25 T.G.I. Friday's gift card you got for T.G.I. Friday's and LIVE, DAMMIT, LIVE! Might I suggest the NEW BBQ Chicken Flatbread? It's crispy flatbread topped with tender pulled chicken breast in a chipotle barbecue sauce and baked with Monterey Jack cheese, cheddar, cilantro and hand-cut red peppers and red onion…and all for under 750 calories! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Me-WOW!

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Use that ugly scarf your aunt bought you as a cat toy...and look at the way Mr. Whiskers jumps at it! Tee hee! Mr. Whiskers, you so crazy! SWEET BONUS: After Mr. Whiskers tuckers himself out playing, you can wrap the scarf around him and take amusing pictures to post on the internet. CUUUTE!!

Fraud...With Food!

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Step One: Eat every single piece of the stale, ancient, off-brand chocolate you got from your grandma in quick succession. Step Two: Get incredibly ill and throw up. Step Three: Tell your grandmother, "You did this." Step Four: Take the super old $50 bill she gives you as an apology and spend it on more, better, candy.

Give Back, You Animal

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Hate your gifts? Give them to someone less fortunate who might appreciate them. J/K! Just shove 'em in your closet and never think of 'em again!

What’s the lamest present you got this year? Let me know in the comments!

Check 20 Wildly Inappropriate Christmas Ornaments!

Waking up in the morning is always a tough moment, with the crushing reality of another dumb day being upon you being a lot to take. HOWEVER, there are certain things that can greatly improve your morning. I’m talking about SMELLS. That’s right, scent is one of the most powerful of all the senses, being tied to both memory and taste (no sense of smell? Your sense of taste is greatly diminished), so what makes a morning better than waking up to a really pleasant aroma? In fact, after doing much research, here are the 7 most pleasant smells to wake up to:

Baked Goods

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Baked goods don’t just smell good. There are so many more great things that go along with baked goods. Like, for instance, how you can’t just bake one thing, you have to bake a bunch. Which means you’ve got plenty to share. Which means you’ve got plenty to share with the other people in your house, who may just be waking up. EVEN BETTER it may mean they’re apologizing for something stupid they did, and apologies make food taste even better.

A Good Pot of Coffee

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Waking up is a hard, long process. So why not expedite the process by ingesting a large amount of caffeine (drink it black, because it makes you seem tough) that was brewed by someone else. Why is it good to have someone else brew it? Because it’s actually tough to make a good cup of coffee, and when a roommate/parent can do it, all the better.

Cleaning Supplies

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You know what it means when you smell cleaning supplies? It means someone else has cleaned, and you are now off the hook.

Freshly Cut Grass

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You know what it means when you smell freshly cut grass? It means someone else has mowed the lawn, and you are now off the hook.

Smelling Salts

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Smelling Salts are technically a horrible aroma, but here’s the good part of waking up to smelling salts: You woke up. Congratulations! After suffering whatever horrible accident you did that made you unconscious, you woke back up again. That’s a huge plus.

New Car Smell

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Yes, you woke up in a car, which is worse than waking on a couch, which is worse than waking up in a bed, so it’s two degrees away from the optimum sleeping conditions. But it means you slept in a NEW car, so some things must be going pretty well for you! Or you’re a car thief who got so tired after breaking into someone’s new car that fell asleep. Bad news: There are no good smells to wake up to in jail.

The Smoke From The Burned Village You Just Sacked

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This one only applies to early world warlords and Vikings. Also, make sure to destroy the whole village, because that young child you didn’t think would grow up to seek revenge? He will seek it.

What else do you like to wake up to? Nothing dirty. Let us know in the comments!

Check Out The Five Stages Of Waking Up!

Fashion trends come and go. Some go faster than others - as if being chased by angry villagers with pitchforks and torches like the abominations they are. Here are 10 of those fashion trends.

Backwards Pants

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Kriss Kross not only made kids jump, jump but also inspired them to attempt their backwards pant style. Before hitting trend levels everyone instantly realized that wearing you pants backward could mean the difference between hitting the toilet or going home in the sweat pants from the lost and found.

Chanel Hoop Bag

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The ridiculously large hoop element on this Chanel bag is meant as a drying rack for your swim gear while at the beach and not as a way to ensnare gullible rich people before robbing them.

Dickies

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No, not the clothing company everybody wore while listening to 40oz's of Freedom in the 90s. IÕm talking about the detachable turtleneck like collars that are meant to warm your neck while allowing your guns to breathe. They're like foreskin for your neck, sexy!

Harem Pants

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Every decade or so, someone will try to make the harem pant happen again in fashion. And every time we quickly realize we just look like we took a massive dump in our pants and are forced to cruelly carry it around with us for the rest of the day nary a lost and found sweat pant in sight.

Impossible Heels

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I'm a petite little morsel of lady so I wear heels pretty consistently. If need be, I can run with the best of the drag queens without incident or ankle snapping. You start in with these gravity violating torture devices and when the zombies come you have a bound footed chance in hell to escape. Bonus though for looking like a giant bug person.

Borat Mankini

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Thankfully you only see the mankini whipped out around Halloween or on European beaches. Either way it acts as a warning, much like the brightly colored yet poisonous frogs of the Amazon, that this person is an idiot.

Men in Ugg Boots

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There is no denying that Ugg boots for women are one of the most successful shoe brands ever. But for whatever reason it never caught on in the same way with men. My theory? Pooled foot sweat sloshing around shearling acts like a form of nerve gas to the wearer. Too many men were knocking themselves out.

See Through Plastic Clothing

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Nobody needs to see that unless they've taken you home to see that... and even then.

Tunnel Waist MenÕs Shirts

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If you've ever wondered what maternity wear would look like on a man, here was mankind's opportunity. The results were shapely and confusing.

Rat Tails

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If you ignore all of Eastern Europe, the rat tail never caught on with the same fervor as the mullet or the I'm-not-balding-I-just-like-being-bald look. Think of it like a soul patch for the back of your head and then bleach your brain forever.

Any trend you wish took off? Any trend you're actually sporting right now and now feel like a complete tool? Let me know in the comments!

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter or I'm putting all these trends on and coming to your Prom.

Check out the best of the Drunken Baby meme!

While most of us were spending the holidays with our families, unwrapping presents and expressing our love for each other, Drake spent Christmas day traveling to Macy's and Walgreens, photographing their "YOLO"-branded hats and T-shirts. Of course, it was Drake who popularized "YOLO" in his song "The Motto", so, in Drake's mind, he's owed royalties from these stores because YOLO is his phrase.

As though he's the first person to have ever lived once.
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Tweeting that Walgreens better "chill or cut the cheque" and later going to Macy's and saying "same goes for you", Drake was sure to include pictures of the offending merchandise. And in fairness, they were pretty offensive. YOLO was poorly-stitched onto bright primary-colored hats and was used on a T-shirt with the Peanuts comic strip characters.

And really, is there ANY brand more tarnished than Peanuts? Have you ever seen Charlie Brown on ANYTHING and though "YEAH, this product is QUALITY"? Peanuts characters are SYNONYMOUS with bad, cheap merchandise for bad, cheap people.

Every aunt over 180 pounds owns this shirt.
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Can you imagine how Walgreens employees working that day felt when Drake came in? They were kind of caught ripping off a line from the guy's song, but we don't know for sure if Drake really OWNS the phrase — he just SAID it once in a song. For those poor employees, being caught by Drake was like being caught leaving the party with the beer you brought along that nobody drank. Is that beer yours? Or does it become the host's once it enters their fridge? THERE ARE NO RULES HERE PEOPLE. SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING. ANYTHING GOES. THIS IS THE WILD WEST.

Who does this belong to? The man with the most bullets in his chamber.
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Now, obviously I don't understand the legalities regarding the use of the phrase — no one in the WHOLE WORLD does — but I do think that, philosophically, Drake has a point if he was the first person to think up the phrase. But while I don't know if Drake actually created YOLO, I suspect he didn't. If you're spending your Christmas day Tweeting, chances are you are not living the YOLO lifestyle. Instead, Drake, why don't you go climb a mountain? Eat wings off someone a stranger's plate at a restaurant? Curb stomp a kid at a punk rock show?

Or go mountain biking, if you're too scared to do the curb stomping thing.

Which would be COMPLETELY understandable.
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Do you think Drake deserves compensation for YOLO? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

I won't lie to you, 2012 was a good year for movies. We got The Avengers, The Hobbit, The Master, The Dark Knight Rises, and Silver Linings Playbook, which I absolutely BAWLED through. But since the future is invariably more exciting than the past, 2013 is looking to blow 2012 AWAY vis a vis exciting, awesome movies. Here are the 2013 movies that are going to make 2012 movies seem like 1912 movies.

Star Trek: Into Darkness

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The last J.J. Abrams-directed Star Trek movie killed off both Kirk's parents AND Spock's entire homeworld, which means that in its sequel, ANYTHING can happen. Like, Bones could turn evil or Scotty could get pregnant with Kirk's baby. Hmm, that shouldn't turn me on as much as it does.

It must also be pointed out that all the destruction surrounding the guy in this poster turns into the emblem for Star Fleet, which took me way, WAY too long to realize. When I first saw it I was all like "WHAAAT SON that be a STAR TREK logo up in that darkness" and ran around my apartment going "AWWWW DAAMN" for like and hour.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire

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The second Hunger Games movie will be awesome for two reasons: One, there will be more Peeta, who is the goofiest character in film history. Seriously, this guy's strategy to win the Hunger Games was to use his cake decorating skills to look like a rock. Are you kidding me, Peeta? The only thing dumber than bringing a knife to a gun fight is bringing a PAINT BRUSH to a HUNGER GAMES. You are dumber than an AGE-OLD ADAGE.

Second, Catching Fire will go down in history as the first film to solve every sequel's "Why is the same crazy thing happening to this character again?" problem. Speaking of which...

A Good Day to Die Hard

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A Good Day to Die Hard will literally be the fifth time that John McClane arbitrarily stumbles into a terrorist's plan and has to save the day by shooting loads of guns and destroying lots of public property.

After McClane drove a motorcycle into a helicopter in the fourth Die Hard, all bets are off. Don't be surprised to see McClane find a gun that shoots rhinoceroses and use it to take down a terrorist in Bowser's flying clown boat from Super Mario World.

Monsters University

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Monsters University is, like, top 3 Pixar movies, so any more time we get to spend with Mike and Sully is more than welcome. This movie is a prequel though, which are usually hard to do since we know a lot of what's going to happen at the end. Monsters University shouldn't suffer from this dilemma, however. It's not like we were going into Monsters University thinking the Monsters were going to die or anything.

Although, wouldn't it be a surprise if they did? We'd be all "Were these Mike and Sullys the same Mike and Sullys we saw before?" and of course they wouldn't be, so the internet would LIGHT ON FIRE with all the fan theories and speculation. It'd be like the summers when Lost was on, when I had a pop culture mystery to distract myself from how STUNNINGLY HORRIBLE my life was. Also is.

The World's End

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The third film from Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost — who made Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, two of the funniest movies ever — will feature the trio's take on the disaster film. I hope Simon Pegg and Nick Frost eventually make a movie about their friendship in every genre, from film noir to westerns to even romantic comedies. Well, they've kind of all been romantic comedies — but friendship-style. Which I think we can all agree is the BEST kind of romance. Right? "Right!" I say to myself through tears.

Man of Steel

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This might finally be the Superman movie we've been waiting for. While it's being directed by Zach Snyder, the goofball who made Watchmen into a f*cking Mountain Dew commercial, it's produced by Christopher Nolan who FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MADE THE DARK KNIGHT. That means we're guaranteed a Superman that is, like Batman in the Dark Knight trilogy, the lone extraordinary thing in an otherwise recognizable world.

And I know how weird it is to say I'm looking forward to this movie more than any other because it's looking to be a grounded movie about an alien who wears primary colors and shoots lasers out of his eyes, but honestly, all the non-Dark Knight superhero movies have been candy and I am CRAVING some vegetables right now. Oh my God if my ten year old-self heard me say that he would punch grown-up me in the d*ck before going off to play Super Nintendo for sixteen hours.

What 2013 movie are you most looking forward to? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

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"Why do kids these days want to be famous so badly?" I murmured to myself yesterday while lying on my bathroom floor choking on tears. "It's like they don't even realize how tough it is to make a living off your image," I said as I slammed the doors of my medicine cabinet onto my head over and over, hoping to replace the inside pain with outside pain. "The youth of this country deserve to know! They need to know!" I spluttered through my swollen, bloody lips. That is why today's article is all about what celebrities do to themselves to stay lookin' so fine. Let's ch-ch-check it out!

Kim Kardashian

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Rumors have floated around Kim K for years that she has silicone butt implants, but let me make this clear: the rumors are FALSE. In reality, her ample rear is packed with thousands of maggots. Only maggots have a texture and mobility that resembles human flesh enough to be a suitable implant for someone of Kim's discerning taste. To stay lookin' so good, Kim must replace the maggots every three days, lest they grow into flies and swarm out of her body at the VMAs.

Ryan Gosling

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No matter what People Magazine says, Ryan Gosling, NOT Channing Tatum, is the sexiest man alive. This is because Ryan Gosling wrote a computer program that read the minds of all American women, then created a robot suit in the image that they would find most sexually attractive. Ryan put on the suit and became famous immediately. Now, Ryan must stop and recharge his robo-suit every half hour lest it run out of power and trap him inside forever. Fun fact: Ryan Gosling is actually a frail 16 year old from New Jersey.

Emma Watson

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Emma Watson is in fact a centuries-old demigod who has cast a love spell on all living things. If you were to witness her true form, madness would overtake you in seconds. The only man to see it and live described it as "like a crocodile with a human baby's head trying to turn itself inside out." To stay lookin' as remarkably fine as she does, Emma eats money.

Tom Cruise

ENTRY REMOVED AT THE REQUEST OF THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY.

Megan Fox

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Megan Fox was cryogenically frozen in 2004 and has made her servants swear that they will only unfreeze her in times of dire need (usually Maxim photoshoots). She has been awake for so little time that she hasn't eaten since the cup of Dippin' Dots she had before being frozen. Her handlers rarely unfreeze her anymore because they are worried that she might learn Dippin' Dots no longer exist, and, in a fit of rage, destroy the planet. Also, she gets a ton of plastic surgery.

Michael Jackson

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In order to prevent further aging, Michael Jackson died in 2009.

Are you pretty on the inside? Talk about it in the comments, why don'tcha!

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I know what you're thinking...aren't all Taylor Swift lyrics annoying? Yes, yes, they are. And the older she gets the more annoying they become. I could forgive her more when she was a teen writing this tripe...but get your act together girl! You can legally use alcohol now to numb the pain! We don't wanna hear your journal poetry anymore! Here's a look at the 8 most annoying Taylor Swift lyrics.  IMHO,  it's like reading the diary of someone who was dropped on her head as an infant. 

Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday

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Seriously...WHO GIVES A F*#K!?! I don't know why the addition of the 'I believe it was a Tuesday' bugs me so much. Oh yeah maybe it's because it's so goddamned deliberately precious? Check your friggin' Google calendar! You know you track every miniscule thing that happens in your love life for future song lyrics.

It’s OK, life is a tough crowd. 32 and still growing up now.

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This is the best you can throw Kanye's way? If you can't take down a man who wrote the lyric 'Are you into astrology Cause I'm, I'm trying to make it to Uranus." then you have no business writing takedown tunes.

Cause it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong / It rains when you're here and it's rains when you're gone

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This is from Forever and Always, the song Swift wrote about ex Joe Jonas after he dumped her during a 27 second phone call. If you need further proof that Taylor is the original Overly Attached Girlfriend I submit the fact that she recorded the time of this break up call as evidence. This break up made Taylor sad. She cried tears. Hey, wait a minute...tears are like rain from cloud. Rain equals sadface times. This was the beginning of Taylor's love of rain metaphors. Since this song Taylor Swift has recorded over 8 kabillion songs that reference rain. Because the best thing to do with a cliche apparently is to beat it into a dead horse. Second only to mixing your metaphors. Another fave Swift past time.

I can feel my heart, it's beating in my chest.

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Not too swift of her! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Oh me!

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone. Don't you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress cried the whole way home

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Don't you hate when you go out with a known playa and he breaks your heart? Poor Taylor! She was only nineteen! NINETEEN!  I have no sympathy for anyone who dates John Mayer at this point. He's like the... holy crap...TAYLOR SWIFT of dudes! Also I'd like to point out that after the words love and rain, Taylor Swift's most commonly used word is dress. 

Just a small town boy and girl / Living in a crazy world.

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Are we all just gonna ignore this blatant rip-off? They should've called this song 'Don't stop believing in love, even if it rains while you're wearing your favorite dress. (This isn't about my famous ex).' Much more catchy than the cliched 'I'm Only Me When I'm with You'. 

All of the lyrics from Love Story

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This song is clearly written by someone who has only superficial knowledge of literature. First of all she's glorifying a teen romance that ends in death. And B,  she refers to herself as the Scarlet Letter?  WTF?  What does that even mean? Don't get me started on 'And the flashback starts' which sounds more like a direction for the future music video than a lyric. 

And I'm like... "I just... I mean this is exhausting, you know, like, We are never getting back together. Like, ever"

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What does it say about this world where Taylor Swift is considered a songwriting prodigy? Like, I don't wanna live on this planet anymore...like okay?

What do you think is the dumbest Taylor Swift lyric? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

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It's great getting time off from school for winter break, but it just isn't enough time off. We need to start observing more holidays so we have more time to rest between the horrors that are homework and tests. There are plenty of awesome holidays that totally deserve to be observed by the school system. Here are real January holidays that they should close school for.

Rubber Duckie Day (Jan 13)

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You celebrate this holiday by hanging out all day in a bubble bath with all your best friends. My best friends are all rubber duckies. If they can somehow figure out how to make a mobile bath or install bathtubs in every classroom, then I might consider going to school. Until they are willing to be respectful of my beliefs and let me lounge in a bubble bath full of rubber duckies all day then I'll be at home soaking in a nice warm tub surrounded by scented candles.

Appreciate A Dragon Day (Jan 16)

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This holiday is less than ten years old, but demands no less respect than any other holiday. To celebrate this day, you have to spend all day drawing pictures of dragons. It's going to be a little hard to get any schoolwork done since I'll be drawing sweet dragon pictures all day. That's fine you want to give me a pop quiz, but you're getting back a picture of a dragon. If I get any less than an A on my dragon picture then I will be contacting my lawyers for being discriminated against. I think it's better if we just call off school so we don't have to go through months of court battles.

Squirrel Appreciation Day (Jan 21)

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I keep about a hundred or so squirrels living my house. I consider them to be my little roommates. Every year on this day, I create a tiny little spa for them including manipedis, a tiny steam room, and adorable little massages. I don't mind bringing them to school I guess. A lot of them have all sorts of diseases though so I don't know if you want a hundred diseased squirrels running around the school. They'll have to shut the down the school for a month for cleaning. So it's your choice, principal. Close for a day or for a month.

Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day (Jan 24)

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This holiday is to celebrate the finding of gold in California. You don't have to be in California or own a ton of gold to celebrate. All you have to do is talk like an old timey prospector. School really should be closed for this. How are you supposed to get anything done all day if no one can understand what anyone is saying?

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (Jan 28)

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I can't believe it's this close to Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day and I haven't gotten my Bubble Wrap Tuxedo finished. There's no way I'll be in school on this day. I'll be at the Bubblympiad in Indiana getting my pop on with fellow Bubble Wrap enthusiasts. If we all go, they have to close school. If they don't close school, you should at least take a ton of bubble wrap with you for some major popping sessions.

Thomas Crapper Day (Jan 29)

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This guy didn't invent the toilet, but he popularized it so much with his company that crapper became another word for toilet. Without him, we might still be pooping in holes like animals. The best way to celebrate this day is to eat a ton of junk food on Crapper's Eve. They'll have to cancel school because the lines to the bathroom will be way too long for everyone to make it there on time.

National Polka Music Month

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Polka music is pretty unlistenable, but it would be worth listening to it all day every day if you got to get a whole month of school off. I think this should be the deal. Anyone who stops listening to polka music during the month has to go back to school. If you can go the whole month while listening to polka music, then you get the whole rest of the year off. That's a pretty spectacular feat.

Which holiday do you plan on celebrating? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

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So what's a teen girl to do when her parents won't allow her to go on the internet after 10pm? Drug them of course. DUH! 

No parents were harmed in this dramatic re-enactment.

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According to local authorities, a Northern California teen suggested to her parents that they go out for milkshakes, even offering to treat. Awww...call me cynical but I would've been suspicious right then and there. After returning home, the couple's daughter and a 15-year-old friend crushed-up sleeping pills into the milkshakes, while the parents weren't looking and watched like too little psychopaths as the parents gulped them down. Then they enjoyed some contraband internet time, baby! All in a days work for some future juvenile delinquents!

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When the parents awoke the next morning..surprise!  They felt groggy and had a total black out regarding the previous night's events. They felt like they had been...wait a minute...DRUGGED!?! Then I'm assuming a lightbulb went off when they saw the empty milkshake cups in the trash and had a vague memory of the funny taste they had. Those milkshakes brought all the suspicions to the yard!

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The parents confronted their daughter, who confessed to not only drugging the milkshakes but also to drugging her parent on two separate other occasions. The girl told investigators she thought the Internet policy at her house was "too strict."  Which I'm sure gave the police a good case of the eyerolls. She and her friend were both booked into juvie on charges of conspiracy and willfully mingling a pharmaceutical into food. The girl's mother said she hoped this would teach her daughter that drugging her parents is not okay. A lesson I never had to be taught and somehow managed not to do anyway. Weird.  Maybe dial-up just wasn't worth the criminal effort?

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What do you think of what these girls did? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

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Tumblr’s basically a meme...but huge! I’m talkin’ big...REALLY big! Think about all the time you waste putzing around on the internet, looking at crap like memes and Tumblr, and get sad! REALLY sad! Then look at these crazy Tumblrs and get happy! These Tumblrs are crazy! REALLY crazy!

What if Adele was Mrs. Doubtfire?

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Ask yourself: What if Adele was Mrs. Doubtfire? What kind of crazy hijinks would she get into? How many prosthetics would she need to get the job done? This Tumblr answers all these questions, and MORE, via the wonders of Photoshop.

Lonely Cheetos

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Photographs of solo Cheetos – alone, again, naturally. As if merely eating Frito Lay products wasn’t depressing enough.

On the Bro'd

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Ever wonder what Jack Kerouac's 1957 Beatnik opus "On the Road" would look like if it were written in the language of bros? Well, wonder no more. I’m pretty sure Kristen Stewart thought this was the script for the film version when she signed on for the role as Mary Lou.

Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

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Artfully Photoshopped images of 80’s heartthrob Tom Selleck surrounded by, you guessed it, waterfalls and sandwiches. It hasn't been updated in two years, and the last three posts are about the moneymaking opportunities available at a site called www.SurveyBadger.com – this, however, only adds to the site's absurdity.

Pretty Colors

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Ooh...pretty colors! Like #ea00ab. And my personal favorite, #99ffbd. You like pretty colors, right? Or are you a commie?

Cash Cats

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Furry felines surrounded by cold, hard cash. Now that’s two great tastes that taste great together. Like texting and driving! (DISCLAIMER: Don’t text and drive. It tastes too good.)

Large Print Books

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As its name would imply, Large Print Books is a terribly amusing spam Tumblr about large print books – specifically, "Why to prefer buying books in Large Print format." Posts include scintillating facts like, "No doubt going in for and buying books online is a fun along with a challenging experience as well. With going for and buying books online you can search not with in hundreds but with in thousands of books with different titles altogether."

Cats That Look Like Ron Swanson

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Ooh! Kitty cats that look like everyone's favorite governmental curmudgeon, Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson. These cats don’t vote...just like Ron! Idn’t [sic] that just perfectly ADORABLE?!?

Muppets With People Eyes

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The sights at Muppets With People Eyes, once seen, cannot be unseen. They are deeply unsettling. If you go here and end up ruining your childhood, I cannot be held liable. Translation? DON’T SUE ME. (I don’t have any money to give you anyway – all my cash is tied up in Chili’s gift cards.)

Celebrity Close-Up

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According to this Tumblr’s owners, Celebrity Close-Up allows you to “Get close to celebrities! Really close. So close that you will beg to be taken far, far away to a place where you'll never have to see that celebrity ever again.” A visit here will take you deep, deep into the pores of Manic Pixie Dream Girl Zooey Deschanel. Turns out the broad basically wears a Sephora’s worth of makeup. Idn’t [sic] that QUIRKY?!?

With Critters

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Sure, your vacation photos are cool and all, but they’d be way cooler with komodo dragons in ‘em. It’s a fact – pictures are always better with random critters Photoshopped in. This Tumblr just validates that simple truth.

Does the fact that Tumblr is spelled T-U-M-B-L-R upset you as much as it does me? Let me know in the comments!

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I have a total fantasy to voice a rad cartoon character. How awesome would that be?  I can't believe people are lucky enough to have a career doing that for not just one, but tons of cartoon characters. I'm especially envious of this lady, Ms. Tara Strong:

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The only thing more ample than her cleavage is the roster of rad characters she voices! (I can say that because I'm a girl, right?) Here' a look at 10 of them!

Bubbles-Powerpuff Girls

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Seriously? Don't we all want to be a Powerpuff Girl? And Bubbles is the perfect combo of sassy and sweet, plus I think we all know she's the cutest. I would love to play her, just to give Octi one long animated hug.

Truffles-Chowder

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So we go from the sweet-voiced Blossom to the very abrasive Truffles. That's some range!  The executive producer of Chowder has said that he based this character on his mother. When Truffles screen time was recently cut he said that  the reason for the cut was that 'a little Truffle goes a long way'.  I guess that's why he doesn't call as much anymore, mom!

Ben Tennyson- Ben 10

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Ben Tennyson is voiced by a chick? WHA?? Ben found the Omnitrix which allows him to turn into ten different aliens. Has Tara Strong found something that has allowed her to turn into a kabillion different convincing cartoon voices? Very interesting thought...

Terrence-Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

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Okay another dude? This girl is good! But Terrence is not. He is very, very bad. How do you bully Mac? I'd rather be covered in acne and sporting a mullet than do that. I guess Terrence prefers doing both!

Timmy Turner-The Fairly Oddparents

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Okay here's the freaky thing...not only does Tara voice Timmy, she also voices the much-hated Poof. So she kind of jumped the shark on her own show or something like that.

Raven-Teen Titans

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If I took one of those teen quizzes 'Which Teen Titan character are you?'  I would totally get Raven. I would in fact answer every question in a way that would guarantee I got Raven. I know how those teen quizzes work! Plus she's super connected to Robin, who I have a wee animated crush on. I know, I'm not proud of that fact.

Britina-Kim Possible

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I know Britina isn't a major character on Kim Possible, but she is definitely a memorable one.  Facing animated jail time is still probably super scary! I bet Tara put the Kim Possible episode 'Trading Faces' on her Emmy reel.

Dil Pickles-Rugrats

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What??? Another majorly annoying and useless baby character? (Suck it, Dil lovers! :P) That is not a good genre to excel in! Although I realize now that I have an unreasonable hatred for a lot of baby characters. I must have a hostile womb.

Mary Jane Watson--Ultimate Spider-Man

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Probably the best part of playing animated MJ is that animated Peter Parker is played by Drake Bell. I would need to do a lot retakes on those makeout sounds. My Drake crush is less creepy now that he's been an adult for many years. Right? RIGHT?

Twilight Sparkle- My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

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This is the only Twilight Sparkle that I approve of.  Eww, I just got a chill thinking about an animated Twilight series. If that should happen, please don't add Renessme to your resume of annoying offspring characters, Tara. Thanks so much for listening.

Were you surprised by any of these? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

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