Charley Feldman here. Charley FELDMAN. I was raised in a Jewish household devoid of this wonderful, glittering thing you call Christmas.

Year after year me and mine are pressed nosed on the frosty glass of your yuletide cheer. Besides being jealous (or pretending not to be) have you ever wondered what it is that we do on this holiday of holidays? I can’t speak for all the flavors of religion out there, but here’s how I celebrate Christmas time. L’chaim!

Chinese Food

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You don’t have to believe in evolution to understand that some entities have a symbiotic, harmonious relationship. Thus is the non-Christians and Chinese food on Christmas -the Jewish people in particular. Everyone assumes that our holiday is Channukah this time of year when in fact it’s “How Many Eggrolls Can I Eat In One Sitting-ukkah” (it’s much less marketable but highly delicious).

Go See a Film

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While Christians are desperately trying to tear themselves away from their drunk Aunt Agnes who keeps confusing them for a young Jon Bon Jovi circa “Dead or Alive”, we heathens have our pick of the cinema seats. You may have a reserved ticket to heaven, but we’ve got the rows with the handicap bars to put our feet up the whole movie.

Watch Basketball

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I don’t know why the baby J loves watching giants toss orange rubber balls into hoops, but I’m not going to argue with him on his birthday.

Talk Sh%#* About Christmas

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Nothing fits your Christmas itinerary so far? Well it’s probably because you’re too busy pretending not to care or outright taking a huge dump on other’s holiday cheer. Either it’s too glorifying of commercialism or too preachy about love and goodwill. Maybe you’re one of those people who hates anything that’s universally loved (what is that called? Being a hippity? Hippersters? I don’t know what young people say, I was born in the late 80s). But if you’re not too busy jealous, you’re probably too busy aggressively not caring.

Pretend Everyone Was Raptured

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Here’s what I like to do. Most of the city I live in is deserted Christmas day, so I love to walk around like it’s the beginning of 28 Days Later. Plus it’s good practice if by a hilarious minor hiccup in logic and cosmic sense people who believe in the Rapture are right and you need to figure out how long it would take to break and enter your neighbor’s apartment and steal their PS3.

Succumb To The Spirit(s)

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At the end of the day, Christmas kind of rules. Channukah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, all holidays pale in comparison to the bloated poinsettia festooned warship that is Christmas. Thank the druids and other heathens for creating winter traditions to be patched together so awesomely and bought whole cloth by early Christians. It’s truly the most wonderful time of the year! So, get some nog, put on Die Hard and have yourself a merry little Christmas, no matter what you believe.

Happy Holidays From Smosh!

What do you do on Christmas? Is it Christmas? Let me know in the comments. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or Santa will give me your presents.

Check out the best of the Drunken Baby meme!

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

The party was still raging on to deadmau5

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Ripped stockings were hung by the chimney with care

Alongside the fishnets and lace underwear

The hook-ups were nestled all snug in their beds,

While hallucinations appeared in their heads,

Some dude in his naked, and I in my flesh,

Had just settled down for a long boning sesh

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When out on the lawn there arose such a freakout

I sprang from my bed leaving half a butt cheek out

Away from the windows I flew as I flashed

Threw back some Advil and gathered my cash

When what to my half-open eyes should appear but a golden Trans Am

And eight glittery reindeer

With a reckless young driver who whipped them just ‘cause

I knew in a moment it must be Ke$ha Claus!

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”On Dancer! On Prancer! On Jager! On Townie!”

”On Chugger! On Blazer! On Rich Kid on brownie!”

So up to the housetop the sparkly deer flew

With a backseat of boyz, and an amped Ke$ha, too

And in a hot minute I heard on the ceil’ all the clattering noise of each stiletto heel

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Smudged makeup that stretched from her forehead to cheeks

Her clothes were all tarnished with dried vomit streaks

I took a deep breath and as my head spun around

When down the chimney she came with an autotuned sound

The backseat of boyz had all clung to her knee, and she looked like a hooker from 3000 A.D.

Her eyes, how bloodshot were they!

Her teeth in a state of decay!

Her skin like an orange left out in the sun!

And her beard like an… ew, yup, she had a beard.

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She spoke not a word but went straight to her work

Drank the booze on the mantle and punched out a jerk

And laying her finger aside of her nose

She fell to the floor in a clear overdose!

The boyz jacked her sleigh and reindeer took off

The partiers gathered and jeered as she coughed

I heard Ke$ha exclaim as she frothed from her tongue:

”Merry Christmas to all, and to all, DON’T DIE YOUNG!”

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Check Out People Robert Pattinson Should Go Out With Now!

As a member of the media, I am at war with Christmas. By that, I mean that I wish people "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas," because I am a godless heathen. But even a soul as dark as mine can appreciate video game Christmas decorations as awesome as these!

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Did you get any sweet games for whatever holiday you celebrate? Let us know in the comments!

Check out The Best College Christmas Trees!

Were you wandering around Rome, Italy last week — possibly studying abroad or pretending to enjoy a holiday vacation with your family — and suddenly smell pizza? Well, either you walked past a pizza restaurant or you were smelling the WORLD'S LARGEST PIZZA as it was baking.

It probably wasn't this huge pizza though. Rome kind of always
smells like pizza.
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The 131-foot pizza used over 10,000 pounds of tomato sauce and 8,800 pounds of mozzarella cheese. The record-breaking pizza was made by Donvilio Nardi, a chef who specializes in gluten-free ingredients. Nardi recruited five other chefs to assist with baking the pizza. Each member had specific cooking skills that Nardi needed to make his plan come to fruition. The whole thing was like Ocean's Eleven but with more tomato sauce. Interestingly, Roger Ebert actually wrote the sentence "This needs more tomato sauce!" in his 2001 review of Ocean's Eleven.

But don't forget that this was during the period where Roger Ebert was
for some reason simultaneously reviewing food and movies in a single column.
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Nardi made the giant pizza gluten-free, in an attempt to raise awareness for Celiac disease, a digestive condition that causes the body to react to wheat, barley, and rye; shutting down the vital processes that allow us to absorb the vital nutrients we need to survive.

This is Buster, the Celiac disease mascot!
He'll dance if you tell him you love him!
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And since we all know hamburgers and pizza are locked in a centuries-long, high-stakes war for food supremacy, it's now up to the hamburger makers to craft a new world's biggest hamburger. But this gluten-free world record-breaking pizza had the support of the anti-gluten lobbies. What cause could hamburgers use to fund their enormous hamburger?

Are we raising awareness for athlete's foot? Inoperable
cleft palettes? American Exceptionalism?
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How much of the world's largest pizza are you capable of eating? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Smartphones have changed how we all conduct our personal and professional lives. But there is one career—superhero—that would be greatly altered by having every technology possible conveniently located in the pocket next to the car keys, wallet, and folded boomerang.

No Longer Have to Work in Journalism

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Thanks to “breaking news” emails, constant Twitter updates, and Instagram photos with comments like “This is me being attacked by the Molemen,” superheroes can skip pretending to be journalists and just lie on their couch in their pajamas, scrolling through texts, and thinking, “Nah, not newsworthy enough.”

Can Easily Promote Rescues, Even with Duckfaces

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At one time superheroes could only lay claim to a good deed by leaving a spider web, a business card that has a bat logo on one side (and accidentally your position as CEO of Wayne Industries on the other), or a message scrawled on the pavement that reads “Me! I did this! The Green Arrow! Not Hawkeye!” But with a smartphone you can quickly take a picture of yourself next to your rescue/captured bank robber/arrow-riddled corpse and immediately share it for all the world and less active superheroes to see.

Bring Along Your Own Theme Song

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It used to be a superhero had to wait until someone made a cartoon, TV show, or movie about them to get their own theme song. But now any caped crusader/masked avenger/guy with bed sheet cape and old T-shirt that reads “The Penniless Punisher” can bring along their own musical score thanks to their smartphone’s ringtone. Sure, it may not sound as menacing/inspiring as a full orchestra. And yes, there’s a good chance your theme song will go on just as you’re sneaking up on a criminal because you forgot the importance of the “silence” option. But just think how proud a hero would be when he gets the bad guy and then demands that bad guy call him so he can hear his theme.

No Need for a Utility Belt

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It used to be superheroes would have to carry every possible weapon/tool/cloth to mop up blood around their waist, making them look like plumbers who just happen to wear a lot of spandex and a cowl. But thanks to smartphones the hero can easily access any app they need the moment a situation calls for it, especially if that moment calls for you to quickly identify a song being played in the background of a shoot-out. And while an app may not help you climb the side of a building, spray knock-out gas on an archvillain, or capture anyone, it can give you countless suggestions for where to go eat afterwards for your victory meal.

Can Cut Sidekick from Budget

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Read enough comic books and it soon becomes apparent that the only reason a superhero even has a sidekick is to have some company on a stake-out or someone to talk to when you’re both being slowly lowered into a vat of acid batter. But now all that can be accomplished with your Siri on iPhone. So no more having to interview troubled teenagers for the job, pay for the dry cleaning of two knife-ripped costumes, or come up with a second hero name like “And Friend.” Just tell Siri “I think we’re going to die” and immediately hear back “I’m sorry, Batman. I could not understand that.”

Will Make an Alter-Ego Impossible

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All it takes is a cell phone carrier to realize that Batman and Bruce Wayne were at the exact same spot at the CVS Pharmacy getting Metamucil for blocked bowels to end an illustrious double life.

How many slaves made your smart phone? Let us know in the comments below!

Check Out 10 Worst Pop Songs Of 2012!

You think you're a badass? You're probably not a badass, but I'm sure you like to feel like a badass. This was probably a pretty good year for you because 2012 was a badass year for badass movies. There were so many badass movies, I thought they needed to be ranked in a badass list. If you haven't seen every one of these movies on this list, then I don't know how you can call yourself a badass. Here are the most badass movies of 2012.

10. The Hobbit

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This movie deifnitley had some flaws. The action scenes looked great, but it was shot on fancy new cameras and the footage looked like they borrowed the cameras from a local community college. There were times when I thought to myself, "Why is the cast of Days Of Our Lives dressed up like The Hobbit." Despite that, there was plenty of action, and all of it was really fun to watch.

9. Prometheus

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I feel like this movie got sort of a bad wrap. Maybe I'm biased because of my abduction and probing, but there is nothing more scary to me than giant angry aliens. A lot of people didn't think there were enough elements of Alien in it. I'm glad it wasn't an exact copy. What I love about the Alien and Aliens is that they are two movies in the same universe, but are super badass in different ways. I put Prometheus right up there with those two.

8. The Hunger Games

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This movie is so badass that it single handedly revived the sport of archery. I'm mostly excited about it because once you get in to archery, it's a slippery slope that eventually leads to Renaissance Faires. Maybe my dream will finally come true where Renaissance Faires run year round everywhere in the world. I would probably go every day if I could. I love Renaissance Faires!

7. The Dark Knight Returns Part 1

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I've always been a Marvel fan my whole life, but I got to say that in the past few years, DC has made some awesome animated movies. The first of which was Justice League: The New Frontier in 2008. The best of which was The Dark Knight Returns. It's the story of Bruce Wayne putting the Batman costume back on after being retired. A lot of people mellow out with age. Batman isn't one of those people. This Batman has become quite the grumpy gus in his absence. He's more brutal and badass than ever, but only if he takes his Centrum Silver and drinks his prune juice.

6. The Dark Knight Rises

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Batman is fine and dandy, but he's always been about having an amazing rogue's gallery. Bane might be my favorite comic book villain of all time and Tom Hardy plays him extremely well. The only downside to this movie is having to listen to all of your friends do Bane impressions.

5. Cabin In The Woods

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This is the only horror movie on this list. That might be because it includes every horror movie packed in to one awesome movie. It's like they threw every good horror movie in a blender and set it on badass. For some reason, this got shelved for a while after it was made. Luckily, the lead actor ended up being Thor and the writer ended up making Avengers. I think the extra clout probably helped push it through and kept it from getting lost in direct to DVD hell.

4. Django Unchained

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Pretty much everything I heard about this movie made it a must see for me on Christmas Day. It got a lot of heat for it's violence and language. That just made me more excited for it. Luckily, it did not disappoint. Jamie Foxx is a total badass in the title role and the rest of the cast brings it too. I can't wait for the sequel Django Unchained 2: Secret Of The Ooze.

3. Skyfall

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This might be the most badass Bond movie ever made. That's really saying a lot for a franchise that's been around since before I was born. It's sort of a non-traditional take on Bond since in this one he's sort of working outside the system. The franchise definitely needed a big turn around after the horrible Quantum Of Solace from a few years ago. The only Bond thing better than this movie is Goldeneye64. Nothing could ever top that game.

2. The Raid: Redemption

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Usually when someone says that a movie is like watching a videogame, that's a bad thing. This is the one exception. The Raid: Redemption is an Indonesian martial arts film from a Welsh director. I'm not a huge fan of martial arts films, but this one had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. To be fair, my seat is just an old milk crate so anywhere I sit is at the edge.

1. The Avengers

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The Avengers was basically a perfect superhero movie. It could not have been any better than it was. The action scenes were flawless. The problem with most action movies with big casts is that they will either have the final battle be one on one or so busy that you have no idea what is happening. This movie had the perfect solution. The battle in The Avengers had the team split off for individual fights and come back together at different parts all while cutting between stuff happening in different parts of the city. The only disappointment is that there isn't going to be a buddy road trip comedy with Iron Man and the Hulk.

Which movie did you think was the most badass? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out 10 Worst Pop Songs Of 2012!

I just got back from spending the holidays with my girlfriend in my hometown and, let me tell you, it was a nightmare. Keeping her away from the family members, friends, and street hobos who could say something embarrassing was like leading a blind man through a minefield. Normally when I lead blind men through minefields I let them wander around themselves and call tier death an accident, because who's going to tell on me? A dead blind man? But this time was different, since I wanted to continue sleeping with the blind man. Whomever is putting me in charge of leading blind men across minefields is incredibly irresponsible. In any event, here are the family members I learned you CANNOT let talk to your girlfriend.

Mom

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Psychologist Sigmund Freud postulated that all men are attracted to their mothers when they're born, and fight their fathers for her affection. So when your girlfriend talks to your mother, and they both realize they have so many personality traits in common that they're essentially the same person, well, everyone is made uncomfortable. And not just everyone in the room — everyone in the world. You know how sometimes you're hanging out with your best friend and for some reason you just all of a sudden become uncomfortable? That's because somewhere a girlfriend just realized she's exactly like her boyfriend's mother.

College buddy with the stupid nickname

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When your girlfriend runs into your old pal "Blazer" or "Tachney" or "Ringbold", she's going to hear some stories about the person you used to be in college. Sure, we're all different people in college, and hopefully your girlfriend knows that, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable explaining why you had to beat all those nerds to within an inch of their life outside the music room.

That ex-girlfriend who for some reason still hangs out with your family

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If the ex-girlfriend who comes to Christmas with gifts for everyone in your family besides you talks to your girlfriend, your relationship is already over. The current girlfriend thinks there's still something going on, she breaks up with you, and you're single again, ready for the ex to swing back into the picture. If you catch your girlfriend approaching the ex at the family Christmas party, you might as well grab the gift you got her out from under the tree and take it back to Target, because it's not going to make a bit of difference. Not like it was anyway. I mean, you were shopping for her at Target.

The brother we keep locked in the attic because of his hideous deformities

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It can be hard to explain the seemingly cruel act of locking away your hideously deformed brother in the attic, but it's for the good of society. Girlfriends never get doing something for the good of society, as all the single super villains will tell you.

Your uncle who has a bunch of conspiracy theories

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The reason you want to keep your girlfriend away from your conspiracy-obsessed uncle isn't because he's going to reveal to her something about you but because he's going to reveal to her something about THE SYSTEM. And you, being a wealthy corporate tycoon, don't want anyone asking what Benghazi was REALLY about.

James

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I don't want her talking to James.

Who do you hope never talks to your girlfriend? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend After He's Been Impregnated By a Repulsive Alien Queen!

Now that you’ve received your presents (c’mon, even those of us who don’t celebrate Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa manage to finagle some gifts this time of year!), it’s time to take a good hard look at your life. Like it or not, you are defined by your possessions. If you aren’t careful, holding onto useless but well-meaning material items can send you down the slippery slope to your own episode of “Hoarders.” Here are some gifts you should automatically return.

Any DVD

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Oh, Mom, don’t you know that within the next five years, we’re not going to have a way and/or a reason to play these? This DVD will end up in that bin with our Disney VHS’s, only to get damaged in a flood in our basement. I love Pitch Perfect as much as the next red-blooded American, but this media-displaying method is not a good investment.

Body Lotion Or Spray

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While seemingly a good idea – who doesn’t like to smell nice? - you’re not going to use this item. Until that day that you do, by which point it will have fermented, and you’ll smell like an apple orchard doused in pesticides. And then you’ll have to shower anyway, which we all know that you were desperately trying to avoid if you resorted to you’re Body Shop watermelon crap.

Makeup Kits

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Each holiday season, cosmetic companies conspire to put together the ugliest shades of eye shadow in one kit, hoping the juxtaposition of pretty colors combined with a bow will make you overlook how mail-order-bride you’ll look if you wear them. Not to mention how cumbersome these kits are; you’ll be forced to create a special “don’t wear every day” section of your vanity for makeup like this, and you will have no room for washcloths.

Any Physical Book

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It’s simple economics. Bookstores charge lots of money for you to have the honor of holding something tangible in your hands, but you can usually find the same stories for much cheaper if you go with the Kindle/Nook/iPad version. Return the books, get the digital copy, and put the rest of the money toward that eye rejuvenation surgery we’re all going to need in 2021.

Mittens

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Mittens are the worst. Sure, they keep your fingers warm, but unless you’re a duck, they render you incapable of basic human function. If I were a mugger, I’d aim for people with mittens, people who have actively chosen to incapacitate themselves. Plus, snot is hard to get out of wool.

This iPhone Case

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This iPhone 5 case is made of natural sapphires and rubies and costs $100,000. Return this ridiculousness and invest in Apple, who’ll undoubtedly come out with a new phone that doesn’t fit this case in a few months. Or better yet, send it to your mail-order bride (we know exactly the kind of person who gets these cases as gifts in the first place).

What other gifts are an automatic return? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out What Non Christians Do On Christmas!

At a recent Justin Bieber concert-stravaganza, Justin Bieber gave his hamster, PAC, away to a screaming fan. Reports are unclear as to why Bieber gave away his beloved pet, but the suspicion is that Bieber was worried the hamster would come between him and his musical collaborators.

"I will not let you Yoko Ono me and Ludacris."
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But the simple gift to an adoring fan has raised the ire of the California Hamster Association. In a statement to TMZ, the CHA called Bieber's hamster gift an act of "animal cruelty", going on to say that hamsters "often succumb quickly to illness and death" when confronted with change.

So really, this isn't Bieber's fault. It's the fault of hamsters in general, for being unable to accept change.

Why can't you deal with change, hamster? What are you, my high
school friends?
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Now that I've exonerated Bieber of any wrong doing vis a vis this hamster, I'd like to turn my attention to the CHA themselves. Okay, what is it about hamsters they find so fascinating? I mean, I could totally understand, like, a California Giraffe Association, because giraffes are the second best animal besides bears.

Although, I guess I don't really have any criteria for liking giraffes more than hamsters. I just think giraffes are super funny. Like, look at this one:

Giraffe you drinkin' water? You drinkin' WATER, giraffe?
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Here's my real problem with the CHA: Because they're an association, it means there are multiple people involved, right? So that means multiple people decided hamsters were an important enough cause to fight for.

Now, do you know how few people in the world care that much about hamsters? And on top of that, these few, miniscule people contacted each other — came together— to form the California Hamster Association.

Can you imagine the odds of that specific series of events taking place? Astronomical! The odds are astronomical!

Somehow, the statistically insignificant number of hamster people
in our world found each other and have formed an association while
I remain incredibly, incredibly alone.
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Was Bieber acting animal cruelly? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

The most common reason for video game characters to take to stealth games is a lack of self-confidence. They assume that once the guards see them, they'll judge them, just like they judge themselves. But sometimes, even stealth game characters get discovered, and this is the way they react:

Solid Snake

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Metal Gear Solid's Solid Snake actually comes alive when he's discovered! Magic tricks, hilarious yet inoffensive jokes, and even some deep, cutting insight into the world in which we live. Now we know why the genome soldiers were looking so hard for Solid Snake — he's great!

Sam Fisher

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Since your mission ends in most Splinter Cell games when you're discovered, no video gamer has ever seen what Sam Fisher does when he's discovered. Do you know why? It's really embarrassing. He just stops and stares, like a deer in the headlights. He doesn't even get killed right away. The guards kind of don't know what to do with him. Like, this guy doesn't have basic human survival instincts. Sam Fisher is the best argument for Creationism because how could evolution EVER produce someone like this?

Tenchu: Stealth Assassin

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Rikimaru, the ninja from Tenchu: Stealth Assassin's, throws full bowls of rice to distract his enemies. While they're chowing down, he's usually able to kill them, but if he's discovered, Rikimaru simply pretends to be a waiter and produces a basket of bread for the guard. But oh man, once that guard finishes the bread and tries to flag down Rikimaru to get another, he's nowhere to be found! Why is it SO HARD to get a second basket of bread from a waiter? I mean, in this case it's because the waiter is preparing to kill you, but why does it happen at the Olive Garden?

Hitman

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He shoots you. Hitman shoots you. Don't be dumb.

Altair

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When Altair is discovered, he blends in. Now, sometimes that involves blending in with the passing-by crowds or old folks sitting on benches. When he's at a party, Altair blends in by mimicking what everyone else is doing. Sure, no one judges him for dancing (or not dancing, whatever the case may be), but he's never really a leader, you know? And that means he's never gonna get with Amanda, that cute girl who comes to every one of this guy's parties and just laughs and looks beautiful.

Corvo Attano

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When the Dishonored hero is discovered he blushes SUPER big!

What do you do when you're discovered? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out the 9 Scariest Video Games of All Time!

The internet rules our life. Cats rule the internet. Ipso facto, cats rule us all. Here are the 10 most influential cats of 2012, please give them your full attention and squees

10. Shishi Maru

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Shishi Maru, not to be confused with internet mega-cat (redundant) Maru, Scottish Folded into our hearts in 2012. This cat thinks he’s people. Don’t be us Shishi Maru, we are a corrupt and fickle species. Just be you. 

9. Henri The Existential Cat

Henri looks at his water dish not as half full or empty but as the entirety of his imprisoned reality both incomplete and bursting with the futility breath. He purrs not for pleasure but because it reminds him that he is alive.

8. The Orvillecopter

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Orville was so loved in life that he became a legend in death. His owner immortalized his memory by turning him into a remote controlled helicopter. I plan on doing the same thing to my Nana when she dies, she always wanted to travel more.

7. Anakin

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Anakin is a badass little kitten who may not possess a pelvis or back legs but lets nothing get in his way. Makes you think twice about calling someone a pussy…cat, unless they’re being a total boss like Anakin. Then pussy cat away!

6. Hank The Cat For Senate

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During this contentious and never ending election season, one candidate attacked the competition, eviscerated it and then set it on America’s doorstep as a gift of his patriotism. That candidate was Hank, and he is a cat; a cat that won 3^rd place in the Virginia senate race. He would have won too if it wasn’t for his controversial fiscal platform and his notorious catnip scandal.

5. Rupert The Giant Maine Coon

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Rupert is the biggest domestic cat in the world, and he’s not even done growing. At twenty pounds and counting he is a monstrous ball of fur capable of consuming worlds and blocking television sets with impunity.

4. Venus

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I don’t understand people sometimes. Obviously this cat should have been named after David Bowie. Totally wasted opportunity.  But a gorgeous specimen of chimerism.

3. Lil Bub

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Regardless of what religion (if any) you subscribe to, Lil Bub is proof enough to me that the cosmos has a sense of humor. Until I see him in person I’m convinced there’s some photoshop malarkey afoot. But until that day when my restraining order is up for review, my life is a better place with that little freak in it.

2. Colonel Meow

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If this were a personal list and not a list I do FOR THE PEOPLE, Colonel Meow would be #1 as he rules my heart with an iron paw. How can you not give him your undying allegiance? We are all dangled string dancing for Colonel Meow’s amusement.

1. Grumpy Cat

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A cat comes along once in a generation to unite the us and lead us through the wilderness. People are asleep. They think the world didn’t end on the 21^st when in fact it was Grumpy Cat who saved us all. We owe him more than we’ll ever know or ever repay. Also, he totes looks like Jeremy Renner.

Which cat won your heart this year? Let me know in the comments!

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or Colonel Meow will send in the drones.

Check out the best of the Drunken Baby meme!

Congratulations, you’ve graduated from high school! If you’re anything like me, it is the biggest relief of your entire life, and you will continue to have nightmares about being back at school well into your twenties (they’re still going strong over here!) Odds are good, however, that you have felt the societal pressure to continue your schooling and go to college. And that’s great! Broaden your horizons, and so forth (I’m assuming broaden your horizons” means “go wildly into debt”). But college isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And I, gentle reader, am here to prepare you for some of the let downs of THE NEXT PHASE OF YOUR LIFE. These are The Most Overrated Aspects Of College:

The Social Aspect

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You may think that college is a great place to broaden your horizons, and that’s partly true. You’ll probably be exposed to some cultures you’d never met before, due to your having probably lived in a heavily segregated area your whole life. But on a larger level, almost everyone at college is around your age, and also looking to broaden their horizons. The issue? None of you have much in the way of unique life experiences. It’s like a group of people who can’t speak Spanish getting together to try to teach each other how to speak Spanish. You’re going to end up speaking some bad Spanish.

The Music

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A lot of people think college was where they were first exposed to good music. False! Maybe you will be lucky enough to meet one person who had cool enough parents that they didn’t grow up exclusively on top 40 garbage, but odds are good you’re going to hear the same garbage people listened to in high school, with some bad Dave Matthews and Ben Harper thrown in to the mix.

The Freedom

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Remember how active you had to be if you wanted to skip class in High School? You needed alibis, forged letters from the Governor, a grappling hook, it was serious business. Here’s how easy it is to not go to class in College. “I am not going to class today.” No one cares, until your horrible attendance leads to you failing your class. And unless you’ve been raised to self-motivate, it is HARD to train to yourself to do things because they’re best for you. In the words of those ants in The Simpsons episode “Homer the Astronaut”, “Freedom, horrible horrible freedom!”

Living Away From Home

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Sure, it’s annoying having a curfew, and having your parents waiting for you to come home, but living away from home is SO MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE. You’re probably think “Yeah, no duh it’s more expensive not living at home. First of all, “no duh”? What is this, the nineties? Second, no, you don’t get how much more expensive. And that will lead to you blowing A LOT of money that you should be more careful with. And the other problem with not living at home is your parents will be so worried about you (multiply this by ten if you are either the oldest or the only child) they will check up on you NON-STOP. Lots of weepy phone calls await you, my friend.

Living In A Dorm

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You probably imagine your new roommate will be your next best friend. GUESS AGAIN! They will be randomly assigned to you by an administrator who was probably fantasizing about the awesome game of solitaire they had to pause to assign you a roommate, and then your new roommate will either be 1) WAY too type-A and agro about everything, 2) mope around depressed in-between sessions where they drink all your beer.

The Food

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I am aware that no one ever talks about how awesome the food in college is. I am also aware that they still do not give it enough credit for just how horrible it is.

Your Degree

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Everyone has one now, and odds are good yours isn’t even particularly useful. And English major? YOU ALREADY SPOKE ENGLISH #EPICFAIL

How else are all of us doomed, aside from a lucky few? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out The Most Bizarre College Courses!

Dude, Japan’s so rad. Pretty much every damn thing they do rules. The CD? Yeah, it was invented in Japan. The pocket calculator? That’s Japanese, too. Sushi? Same deal – it’s from Japan. (I know, I probably just blew your mind right now.) If you think Pokémon’s the only cool thing to come out of Nippon-koku, you’ve got a lot to learn, otaku.

Merciful Manga

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Anime and manga gave a lot of teenage dweebs the opportunity to meet and bond with like-minded members of the opposite sex. Before Japan bequeathed this wonderful gift to the nerd community, the best geeks looking for someone to awkwardly make out with could do was find a mate at their local Renaissance Fair. Everyone knows the wenches there, however, are crazy. And sword-wielding.

Freak in the Streets

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Japanese street fashion, in all its kooky forms, makes us look like the Old Navy and Forever 21-wearing schlubs we are. I mean, Gothic Lolita or GTFO, y’know what I’m sayin’?

Fantastic Fast Food

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In Japan, fast food can be purchased via conveyor belts. And it’s good, too. The next time you’re in the drive-thru at McDonald’s, imagine buying some sweet-ass sashimi for the same price as that lame-ass Big Mac you’re about to scarf down. And feel even worse about yourself.

Super Deformed = Super Cool

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Tons of toys and cartoon characters in Japanese pop culture are super deformed, and therefore SUPER CUTE. With stubby little limbs and huge heads, super deformed toys look as adorable as the infants that inspire them...but are way less loud, messy and, uh, human. No matter how you slice it, they win.

Vend ‘Em if You Got ‘Em

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In most metropolitan areas of Japan, you can buy anything, and I mean ANYTHING, in a vending machine. Need some eggs? Ramen noodles? Used panties? You got it, boss. You’ll never have to talk to another living soul again!

Krazy for Kitties [sic]

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Japanese folks love and respect cats as much as I do, which is why I love and respect them. I mean, Maru's from there, dude. These people know their adorable kittehs, OK?

Great Game Shows

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Japan’s game shows are legendarily awesome – nothing in the U.S. holds a candle to the madness that takes place over there. I mean, would you rather watch some tool guess the price of a toaster on “The Price is Right”, or would you rather watch people get knocked in the nuts, pummeled with bowling balls, assigned the task of staring at boobs, and wear meat on their heads in a tank full of Komodo dragons? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Mo’ Domo

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The Land of the Rising Sun is also the land of Domo-kun, everyone's favorite exasperated, flatulent, adorable monster/television station mascot. If you don’t love Domo, you’re the real monster.

Do you throw down for the Land of the Rising Sun? Let me know in the comments!

Check out Random Stills from Japanese Game Shows!

A 5 year old boy was happily surprised to find a Nintendo 3DS under the tree on Christmas morn. Unfortunately for him Santa bought a refurbished 3DS and it was still filled with the previous owner's homemade p0rn. Wow, is there anything sadder than taking p0rn pictures on your Nintendo 3DS? Well, I mean other than an innocent child finding said p0rn and thinking Santa is a perv.

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The refurbished 3DS was purchased at a Colorado GameStop...wait wha??  I'm pretty shocked that a GameStop customer had someone to take dirty pictures with him. I kid, I kid. Well you have to admit, they are usually probably downloading things like this:

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Maybe that's what the boy saw? How much do ruined childhoods cost a company nowadays? I like the older brother milking the settlement for all it's worth in front of the news cameras.

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GameStop has issued a statement of course apologizing to the traumatized family, "GameStop is currently researching this situation. We have a rigorous quality control process in place to ensure that existing content is removed from all devices before they are re-sold. Out of millions of transactions each year, ones like this happen very rarely. Our number one priority is to make this right for our customer."  The father is like whatever GameStop we're probably gonna sue your asses. "You can't unsee this. He's 5 years old maybe when he's 18 or 20 maybe he won't know anything about it but he's not going to forget about this tomorrow," said Mark Giles, the boys father.  Eyeroll. Let's get a grip here people! It could be WAY worse. These babies should totally sue their parents.

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What do you think of  this p0rn fiasco? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 21 Super Cute Nintendo Amigurumi!

iCarly isn't the only Nickelodeon show bringing us naughty sexual innuendo. I have a feeling all this naughtiness is the reason all of these shows are so popular! Creator Dan Schneider sure has figured out a winning formula...wait...maybe I could make a career in teen television comedy?  Here's 8 of my dirty mind's favorite Victorious naughty jokes! And yes more than one involves Jade. Duh!

A Christmas Tori

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Joke In Question: Jade interprets Andre's innocent joke about grades into one about boobs. Oh Jade!

I'm starting off with one of the more innocent dirty jokes, but Victorious is so boob joke heavy I felt I had to pay tribute.  I feel like I was Jade in High School, only I never got Ds. Get your mind out of the gutter, I was a straight A student!  With some borderline Bs.

Pilot

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Joke In Question: A teacher gives someone behind a screen a mic telling her to put it on Tori's head, followed by Tori responding "that is not my head."

Where the heck did they stick that microphone? Pilot episode and we're already making inappropriate jokes about phalluses.  A hint of things to come. Oh no I didunt!

Robarazzi

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Joke In Question: This scene takes place in Beck's car:

Beck: "Come on, let's just go. It'll be fun."

Jade: "Noo..."

Beck: "Why not?"

Jade: "Because I didn't shower this morning and I had tuna fish for lunch..."

I don't even know if I can explain this without making it sound even worse. Google it if you must.

Freak the Freak Out

Joke In Question: 'Give it Up'  lyrics

sample: Look at me, boy 'Cause I got you where I want you Isn't it so exciting? Wanna shake you, wanna break you Take the backseat, boy, 'cause now I'm driving.

Um, the title is pretty suggestive and then things just get suggestiv-er.  I'm sure millions of teen boys everywhere would be happy to have Tori take them for a ride.  <Insert stick shift joke here>

Trapped In An RV

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Joke In Question:

An exchange between Cat and one of the boys:

Boy: "You spun a beautiful pot."

Cat: "You helped me spin it..."

Boy: (suggestively) "Later we'll glaze it."

Cat: "... Thank you."

Um...this is another one that I feel can't be explained without making things WAY worse. I just don't think I should be the one giving you the birds and bees talk.

Cat's New Boyfriend

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Joke In Question:

This whole conversation: Jade: "(while Cat and Danny are dancing) Daniel ever spin you like that?"

Tori: "You wanna get slapped with a sausage?"

Jade: "Sure." 

Gosh I love Jade. And I'm thinking Beck probably does too.

The Breakfast Bunch

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Joke In Question: The taco threesome. Jade wants Beck to give Cat some hot sauce for her taco.

Yep. I'm thinking Beck must REALLY love Jade. As much as I love tacos even. Like the food variety.

Cat Valentine's Random Thoughts ~ The Slap

Joke In Question: Cat is grunting while she squeezing a potato and screams 'GIVE UP THE JUICE!"

Does everything just seem dirty to me?? Because this video has a bunch of  things that had my dirty mind sense tingling. But the potato bit...let's just say a lot of YouTubers were offering to give up their juice if the potato didn't oblige. YouTubers wanted to be that tuber, yo!

What are some other dirty things you've noticed on Victorious? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 8 Jokes You Won't Believe They Got Away With On iCarly!

There were thousands and thousands of songs released this year, but for some reason radio seemed to play about 15 of them. Here now are the songs that just would not go away... the most overplayed songs of 2012! (Overplayed should not be confused with worst. Worst has already been covered. These are just the songs that were played way, way, waaaaaay too much. )

10. Payphone – Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

You’re in Maroon 5, dude. You can afford an iPhone.

9. Wild Ones - Flo Rida

"Hey, I heard you were an overexposed one... OHH OHH OOOOOOOH"

8. Boyfriend – Justin Bieber

The whale sound sample was bad enough, but having a teenage boy whisper in my ear about how he will be my Buzz Lightyear and will feed me melted cheese is just creepy.

7. We Found Love – Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris

Rihanna should leave some room on the music charts for other people. Very selfish.

6. Glad You Came – The Wanted

All the hype this year seemed to center on One Direction, but even though The Wanted have a less intense fanbase, this song seemed to be everywhere. Did you know that the son goes down, and the stars come out? It’s science!

5. Lights – Ellie Goulding

This song was released in mid-2011, but spent over a YEAR on the Billboard Hot 100 chart, just hanging around on the radio being played billions of times. Why exactly are these lights turning her to stone? Is she a gargoyle?

4. We Are Young – fun.

This is another 2011 song that muscled its way into our 2012 ears, thanks to a high-profile Chevy commercial and Glee. Thanks, fun., for teaching kids that being young is an excuse to set the world on fire.

3. Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen

Canadian pop singer Carly Rae Jepsen was brought to the attention of the world by Justin Bieber, yet her song Call Me Maybe became a bigger hit than any of Bieber’s 2012 songs. The student has become the master. (ALSO, I want to know why we never see her forehead. Carly, WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?)

2. Gangnam Style – Psy

First it was a cool internet novelty, then it was a minor pop culture phenomenon, and now your lame cousin is playing it at her wedding and trying to dance like she’s on a horse. No one even knows the lyrics. “Mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble HEY SEXY LADY! Op op op.”

1. Somebody That I used to know – Gotye

Like “We are young,” “Somebody that I used to know” got super popular partially because someone did a cover of it. The song is pretty simple, and mildly catchy, but can anyone explain why this song became the most played song of the year? None of you have ever heard a whiney breakup song before

What do YOU think is the most overplayed song of 2012? Let me know in the comments.

Check the 10 Worst Pop Songs Of 2012!

2012 is over and we're all haunted by another full year of regret, which can only mean one thing: New Year's! I plan to celebrate New Year's by burning down everything tying me to this sleepwalk of a life, driving far away to begin anew as a lion tamer, and never looking back. The only thing I plan to bring with me is my sweet video game collection. Let's see how Nintendo characters celebrate New Year's!

Donkey Kong

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Almost nothing is funnier than a monkey in a tuxedo, which makes Donkey Kong's annual New Year's Eve party one of the hottest events of the year. Sure, the guy tells the same stories every year, and he always tries a little too hard to pick up chicks (literally), but that's part of what makes him so lovable. Still not convinced you should try to sneak into DK's party? Three words: strippers in barrels.

Samus Aran

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The most sexually frustrated night of the year is not a good night to be the only girl in your social circle. Samus got so sick of her fellow bounty hunters all taking turns hitting on her that last year she told them she was heading to the kitchen for a glass of water, but instead turned into a Morph Ball and escaped through the sink. This year, she's planning on telling everyone she's on a mission, when actually she's just eating chocolate-covered pretzels and watching TV in her living room.

Wario

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Wario doesn't get why no one invites him to New Year's parties. He also doesn't get why people don't find his constant farting funny. This year, sick of being left out, Wario will throw the worst-attended New Year's party in history, consisting of him and Waluigi playing board games alone. At around 11, Waluigi's gonna start yawning a lot, then say he's super tired and should probably head home. He'll go to DK's.

Link

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Link is always stuck being the designated driver. He doesn't mind, though. Link's just a chill guy. Give him a Sprite.

Mario

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Make ABSOLUTELY SURE Mario doesn't have access to his phone on New Year's. Peach is always at this formal thing at her castle, and Mario's too close with his buddies to bail on them. He always has too much to drink and starts some texting drama with Peach, who he's always "just going through some stuff with right now." Last year was a mess. He kept shouting, "WHAT IF I HAD MORE COINS? WOULD I BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN???" and punching bricks. In his defense, gold coins did pop out of a few of them, but that's still super not cool.

Mew

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Don't fall for Mew's BS. If you know anything about Mew, you know he's 1. almost never seen in public, and 2. super adorable. It's just an act. Really, he just thinks he's too cool for parties. He makes an exception for New Year's, though, because of how willing everyone is to kiss him. Don't kiss him. He'll slip you some tongue.

What are you doing for New Year's? Let us know in the comments!

Check out the 25 Worst Real Product Names!

The holidays are winding down so it makes perfect sense that you're a little bummed out. It's been fun, but it's time to get back to reality and the pressures of school and work. There's only one cure that I can think of to cure a case of the bummers. It's an ancient secret that I will now pass on to you just because I like you so much. Here are monkeys wearing clothes.

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Which monkey do you think will eventually become our great and righteous monkey overlord? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out The 17 Nerdiest Dogs Ever!

The new year is almost upon us, unless your Chinese or Jewish, I think? I’m not sure, I try to expose myself to as few new cultures as possible. ANYWAY with New Years comes a long standing tradition; the New Year’s Resolution. And with the New Year’s Resolution comes ANOTHER long standing tradition; failing to keep your New Year’s Resolution. But it doesn’t have to be that way, oh no. People just need to be reasonable with what they propose this year. Need some help with what qualifies as “reasonable”? I saw that one coming! Here are The New Year’s Resolutions You Are Most Likely To Keep:

Eat More Pizza

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Let’s start with an easy one! Everyone loves pizza, unless you’re one of those mutants who’s born with the birth defect known as “Does Not Enjoy Pizza”, but then your odds of surviving past the age of two are less than one percent. Not only is this resolution easy to keep, it gives you an excuse to eat more pizza.

Do Not Murder Anyone

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Now, you probably think that THIS would be the easiest resolution to keep, but that’s exactly what a bunch of murderers would say to cover their tracks. So I’m keeping this one as very easy, but not the most easy.

Get More Sleep

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Odds are good that if you’re reading this you’re either a) an insomniac just searching for something, anything to do to take their mind off of the fact that they cannot get to sleep, or b) a lazy sack who’s reading this instead of being productive. This one applies to that second group of people. How hard is it to just spend MORE time sleeping? And, get this, SLEEP IS GOOD FOR YOU! It’s the ultimate life improvement; do less, be healthier. Way to game the system, human body!

Be More Stubborn

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”That’s dumb, I’m not going to do that!” you think. “Nice work,” I reply.

Pretend To Listen More

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People are boring, thus becoming a better listener is hard. But people like to be listened to. What’s an inconsiderate jerk to do? Meet them halfway, and start holding eye contact without yawning right in people’s faces. BOOM! Instantly you seem like you’re listening. And if they see through your ruse and demand you repeat back to them what they said to you? Angrily tell them how offended you are that they don’t trust you, and then storm off. Instant guilt trip.

Worry About Money Less

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Don’t get me wrong, continue to spend money like a trophy wife with a prenup, but simply stop worrying about it! Once you run out, some poor sucker who’s resolution is “Give more money to the needy” will come along and bail you out. I mean, for the first month or two of the year, before they inevitably give up on that resolution.

Do Not Change At All

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Here’s a major resolution for you: acknowledge your weaknesses, including your inability to actually stick to any sort of self-improvement, and just pledge to remain the same without the pretenses of making this year the year you “turn it all around”. Be honest with yourself.

What do you plan to not actually change about yourself? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out This New Years Eve PSA!

The braintrust over at ABC (home of Don’t Trust the B-- in Apartment 23 and Malibu Country) is currently developing a sitcom based on teen pop phenom Justin “the Biebs” Bieber’s early life. Wondering how the writers are gonna tackle such a scintillating topic? You’re in luck – we here at Smosh just so happened to stumble upon a stack of plots for future episodes, all of which were scrawled in bubble letters on Lisa Frank stationary.

Mouth Madness

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While leaning over the kitchen sink, eating a sandwich (a Subway 6-inch Italian B.M.T., incidentally), Justin accidentally drops his retainer in the garbage disposal. The Biebs has to devise a way to get it out without shredding his hand and/or the retainer, 'cause mom would be PISSED if either of those scenarios happened. PISSED, I tell you!

Tummy Trouble

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Justin eats too much chocolate and gets a tummy ache. And the only cure is...hugs from mommy!

Phone Phun [sic]

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In a delightful callback to the Twitter prank he pulled earlier this year (which resulted in a lawsuit), The Biebster accidentally tweets his REAL phone number to 32 million followers. When True Beliebers flood his cell with calls, he pretends to be an indignant old man...with hilarious results!

Shorty Wanna Steer

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Justin runs out of tinted moisturizer and has to make a trip to Sephora...the only trouble is, he can't find a phone book to put in the driver's seat of his chromed out Fisker Karma! How's he gonna see over the steering wheel?

After School Fool

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Justin attempts to get an after school job but encounters a problem when every single one of his potential employers realize he's wholly incompetent. Once scene in particular, in which Señor Biebie tries (in vain) to take someone’s order at Jack in the Box, is an instant classic!

Romantic Robot

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Justin gets asked out by a girl in his class, played by Selena Gomez (woooo!). He accepts, but then has to figure out how to act like he's not a robot incapable of actual love and romance (i.e., a Real Boy). He makes a valiant effort, but it’s all over once he starts short circuiting.

Sucky at Science

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Justin has to conduct an experiment for the school science fair...but his daddy, the guy who usually does his school assignments, is out of town! How's he gonna pull it off and not look like a dummy? Looks like he's gonna have to outsource the job to...guest star physicist Stephen Hawking!

Barfy Boy

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The Biebs throws up on stage again, but this time he can't stop...until his mommy comes out and rubs his tummy. His reason for throwing up? Eating too much chocolate! Justin, I thought your mommy told you to stop that!

Will you be watching the new Bieber sitcom? If so, WHY?!? Let me know in the comments!

Check out 5 Differences Between Justin Bieber's House And My Apartment!